Lullaby
by Miss Peg
Summary: When Jane and Maura are left holding a baby involved in a murder case, it makes them consider their own desires for children. But with Maura's 40th birthday just around the corner, time is running out.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Notes** **: Here I am with another one! Don't worry, I'm still working on Rewind. Inspiration hit and I felt the need to start this one. I'm hoping it'll be lighter than my usual angsty stories (no promises, because things can change) and whilst I can't promise Jane/Maura will be a thing, it is a plan that eventually that should happen. I have a busy week, so it's going to be hit and miss by way of updates - but I should be back in action properly by Friday.**

* * *

The baby wriggled in the woman's arms. She swaddled him in the blanket. The baby kicked his chubby feet and she lost a leg, tucking the blanket back over it, before he forced out of the swaddle once again. The woman wiped at her cheeks, rubbing the tears from her skin.

"I know this must be difficult for you," Jane said. She leaned forwards, her elbows on her knees.

"Difficult?"

The woman stared into her eyes. Fire burned beneath the surface. Jane braced herself for the backlash to her words. She'd used the same phrase time and time again. Sometimes it worked, other times it failed miserably.

"My newborn has no father," she said. The earlier attempt to clear the tears did very little for the fresh outpouring. "He is six days old. He doesn't even have a name. I have barely had any sleep since I had a very traumatic eighteen hour labour, and a birth that nearly resulted in my hospitalisation. Now you're telling me my husband has been murdered. You do not understand the meaning of the word difficult."

Lowering her gaze, Jane remained silent. She accepted her misplaced words, though she didn't desire the argument that would likely follow if she attempted to mend the situation. The fact of the matter was very clear.

She didn't understand. She probably never would.

The woman stood, her son still wriggling out of his blanket. She towered over her. Jane felt herself become smaller, insignificant, in the moment. Before she could glance up to the woman, she felt the heavy lump of baby land in her arms.

The door closed.

Jane lifted her head, confusion pulled her eyebrows together. The baby, in his new and unfamiliar surroundings, squawked and kicked, his lungs fought against the air surrounding them. Jane rocked him back and forth, but his lungs were strong and his worries real. She lifted him against her shoulder and rubbed his back.

"Excuse me?" she shouted, through the baby's cries, hoping his mother would be stood on the other side of the door, waiting to complete some form of punishment.

When the door stayed closed, and nobody came to relieve her of her new task, Jane felt her shoulders drop. Not only did she have the murder of a younger father to solve, she now had to do something about his son's abandonment. The Safe Haven law meant she couldn't prosecute the mother, providing she opted not to return, but putting the child in foster care was a last resort she didn't really want to consider.

x

The baby's cries rang out through Boston Police Department's homicide division. Jane rocked the baby back and forth, to no avail. She switched it up and placed him on her shoulder, moving across the room. But the baby wouldn't stop.

"Korsak, do something," she said, but he just shrugged his shoulders. "Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm any good at this."

"Didn't say it did," Korsak said.

"Then why won't you help me?"

"Because somebody needs to solve his father's murder and the mother handed the baby to you. I've got uniform trying to track her down."

Frankie entered the room, his nose in the air and his eyes squinting. He moved closer to Jane. "You stink."

"Here, take him," Jane said, pushing the baby into his arms. Frankie pushed him back into Jane's and she accepted him ungratefully. "I need a bathroom break."

"Korsak and I are going to speak to the father's employers."

"What do I do with the baby?" she asked, still jiggling him about.

"Smells like he needs a diaper change."

"We don't have any diapers."

Frankie shrugged his shoulders and backed out of the room, Korsak on his tail. Jane turned around, searching for someone to help but everyone was averting her gaze. She let out a groan, which only sought to upset the baby further. She carried him out of the office toward the elevator. Taking it down to the basement, she entered the lab.

"Take him," Jane said, thrusting the baby into Maura's arms and walking across the room. She shook her arms out, her muscles ached from the constant weight in her arms.

"Hello," Maura said, running a finger across the crying baby's cheek. "Jane, what is going on? Who is this baby?"

"He was left here," she said, folding her arms across her chest. "His father is the victim, his mother just handed him to me and left."

"Have you contacted the Department of Children and Families?"

"No." She sighed. The Safe Haven procedure flooded back and she pulled out her cell phone. The baby continued to scream. Maura carried him out of the lab and into her office. Jane trailed behind. "Can you do something about the screaming?"

"He needs a diaper change."

"I know." Jane rolled her eyes. "I can smell it."

"Where is his diaper bag?"

"He doesn't have one. His mom just walked away without the baby. I don't think she was really thinking about how we would look after him once she was gone."

"Okay," Maura said, carrying the baby towards the autopsy room.

"Where are you going?"

"To change his diaper."

"In the autopsy room? Are you trying to scare the kid?"

Maura raised an eyebrow. "There are no bodies in there at the moment. It's the most sterile environment, and the most suitable location to change his diaper. You call the DCF and I'll sort out our little problem."

"Little?" Jane asked, scowling. She placed her phone against her ear.

x

"Incy Wincy Spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and washing poor Incy out, out came the sun and dried up all the rain, Incy Wincy spider went up the spout again."

Jane rushed into the office with a couple of bags. She placed them down on the couch and stared at Maura. Maura turned to face her, and just stared back.

"What?" Jane asked.

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"You were singing."

"Do you have a problem with my singing to the baby?"

"No," Jane said. "But he's not even a week old, I don't think he understands."

"Very early on babies recognise faces and gestures, even newborns have been known to imitate their parents. He's learning with everything that happens around him. Music can help to stimulate the development of his hearing."

"Great. Now he's done some of that, I got some diapers, formula, some bottles, and a cute little teddy bear," Jane said, pulling a cream coloured bear out of the bag. "I also got another outfit for him. I remember when TJ stayed with us we went through about four tops in a couple hours."

Maura picked up one of the bags. "Watch him while I make up a bottle?"

She carried the bag out of the office and down to the Medical Examiner's Office kitchenette. Filling the sink with boiling hot water from the kettle, she sterilised the equipment. In an ideal world, she'd have used something more geared towards babies, but given the limited resources it would have to be sufficient.

"Maura, he's started crying again," Jane shouted, carrying the baby into the room.

"Would you like to make the formula?" Maura asked, holding her arms out.

"Will it take long?"

"It'll be a few minutes.

"I'm okay," Jane said, cradling the baby's head with her arm and resting him up against her shoulder.

Maura scooped the sterilised bottle out of the water and started preparing the formula. She watched as the baby cried out against Jane's shoulder, his little mouth opening and closing. Jane lowered her face to his head, and though Maura expected she didn't realise she was being watched, took in a long, deep breath. The corners of her mouth tugged. She'd done the very same thing earlier.

"Here," Maura said, testing the bottle's temperature. She handed it to Jane, and they walked back through to the office.

She sat down at her desk. The baby's father's autopsy was overdue, something that played on her mind. She didn't like to leave evidence gathering if she could help it, but his son was equally important. More so, considering he was alive. She opened up her laptop in an attempt to begin preliminary paperwork, but her eyes travelled over it to Jane and the baby.

"You need to eat it all up," Jane said, her attention focused entirely on the baby. "So that you grow up big and strong. I know it's gonna be tough growing up without your daddy, but you're gonna be alright. The DCF are going to take good care of you while your mamma's struggling. Then maybe you'll get to go home."

"You're good with him," Maura said. She closed her laptop. Work could wait. She stood up and walked around her desk. "He likes you."

"He likes the milk," Jane said, rolling her eyes. The nipple of the bottle slipped out of his mouth. He wriggled, his little legs kicking against the swaddle, grizzly noises escaping his mouth. Jane pushed the nipple back towards his tiny pink lips. "Oh dear."

"Did the DCF say when they'd be here?"

"As soon as possible," Jane said. "Could be half an hour, could be two hours."

x

Two and a half hours later, a woman walked into the office with a file in hand and a soft expression on her face. She stood in the doorway and waited for Jane and Maura's attention to turn to her.

"Hi," Jane said, wiping her drool covered hands on the sides of her slacks and sticking a hand out to her. "I'm Detective Rizzoli, you must be Silver Heyes?"

"It's nice to meet you, Detective Rizzoli," Silver said, grasping her hand and giving it a shake.

"This is Doctor Isles," Jane said, holding a hand out to Maura, who carried the baby in her arms.

"I see the two of you have done a good job with the little one," Silver said. "He doesn't have a name, correct?"

"We nicknamed him Billy," Jane said.

Silver Heyes opened her file and removed a document. She handed it over to Jane. "I'm going to need you to sign this, just to confirm what we discussed on the phone, and to officially hand care over to the DCF."

"Detective Korsak has sent uniformed officers to track down the mother," Jane said, leaning against her knee to sign the papers. "Will Billy be able to go home?"

She smiled, and sighed. "That depends on what happens next. Ideally we'd prefer he return to his mother. Under the circumstances, it might be more appropriate for him to remain in temporary foster care until she's capable of looking after him."

"Here," Jane said, handing over the document.

"He's a pleasure," Maura said, holding the baby out to Silver. Carefully settling him into her arms, she stepped back and retrieved the bag of items they'd purchased. "He seems to enjoy Incy Wincy Spider. He had a bottle of formula a few hours ago, he's due some more soon. We've been unable to identify any major issues. He's cried a lot, but I think that's understandable considering he's in a new environment with new people."

"Thank you," Silver said, looking down at the baby. "I think it's time we took you to somewhere a little less…clinical."

Stepping forwards, Jane rested a hand across Billy's forehead. She lowered her lips down to his cheek. "Bye, Billy."

"Goodbye," Maura whispered, reaching out to his tiny fingers, which quickly wrapped around her thumb. She kissed him briefly on the nose and untangled her hand.

"Can we get an update?" Jane asked. "We're working on his father's case. I'd like to know that he's okay."

"I'll call you tomorrow," Silver said.

"Thank you."

She carried Billy out into the corridor. Maura and Jane moved toward the doorway and watched as she waited by the elevator. When Silver stepped through the open door, Jane held up a hand, waving goodbye, before they disappeared from sight.

"Drink?" Jane asked.

x

"I've cancelled the party." Maura sat opposite Jane, circling a finger across the top of her wine glass.

Jane looked up from her beer. "What? Why?"

"I don't want a party anymore," Maura said.

"But Maura, you've talked about it for months." Jane pushed her beer to one side and leaned forward. "You only turn forty once."

"I know; I've changed my mind."

Silence fell between them. A comfortable atmosphere that only sought to remind Maura how much she valued Jane's friendship. They could drink in silence, no words exchanged for hours, and it would feel exactly the same.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

She didn't much want to dwell on her decision, and no amount of conversation was going to change it.

"Just because you can lie now doesn't make it okay to," Jane said. Her observation brought a smile to her face. "You're not fine."

"Okay." Maura's smile faded. "I'm not fine."

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"Nothing...or something."

"Something of nothing."

"What does that even mean?"

"To make something out of nothing," Maura said. "Meaning it is not important. It has come out of nowhere and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I need some time to get past it. Then I will be fine."

Jane raised an eyebrow and reached for her beer. "A very wise woman once told me that you can do anything you put your mind to."

"Unfortunately, that doesn't apply in this situation."

Maura turned her attention once more to her glass of wine. She circled the glass with her finger, ran her finger and thumb up and down the stem. Distractions brought a wonderful element of comfort.

"How about you let me be the judge of that?" Jane asked.

"Jane," Maura said, staring into her eyes. She longed to move on to another topic of conversation, yet the way Jane stared back was enough to pull it all out of her.

"Maura."

That one brief word, her name on Jane's lips, the tone of her voice. Maura's resolve slowly disappeared and she was left feeling quite naked.

"I thought I was okay," she said. "I decided after Jack moved away that I would be happy without a partner, that I was okay not having children."

"Is this because of Billy?"

"In part." Maura sipped her wine, allowing the liquid to swirl around her mouth, latching on to her taste buds before she finally swallowed. "I'm forty in two days, Jane. My body clock is reaching a critical stage. There is very little chance that I will bring a child into this world. I'm not married, I don't have a boyfriend. Unless I meet someone tomorrow and get pregnant right away, I need to accept that I will continue to live the rest of my years childless, and alone."

"You're not alone." Fingers danced across Maura's knuckles. She stared down at Jane's hand wrapped around hers and she felt the truth in her words. "You're never alone."

"I know," she said, lowering her head. "I am thankful for that each and every day."

Another silence fell between them. Maura picked up her wine glass and turned it round, watching the wine spin, creating a small vortex.

"You want a kid?" Jane asked.

She placed the glass back down on the table and waited for the liquid to calm. She raised her head, her eyes fixed on Jane's. "I do."

"Then why not have one?"

The simplicity of Jane's question made Maura laugh. Her mouth tugged at the corners, stretching up to her eyes. She could feel the creases forming, could sense the permanence of her years of enjoyment. As a scientist, she longed for the more simplistic thought process that Jane carried about certain things. She knew the science. She knew the probability of conceiving a child after forty. She was all too aware of the medical interventions she didn't know she wanted to explore.

"Jane." She paused, sighed, retrieve her hand. "As I have explained, I'm a single woman with no chance of finding someone to have a child with. Even if I met someone today, by the time we have reached an appropriate stage in our relationship to even consider children, it will be too late."

Jane shrugged. "You don't need a man."

Maura picked up her glass of wine and swallowed a mouthful. Once again Jane's simplicity hit her, only she wasn't laughing. She didn't really know what to think, or feel. The idea that she, a professional woman with an expanse of knowledge about science, couldn't even see a basic possibility.

The crease between her eyebrows deepened. "I don't?"

"You've told me yourself about the medical advances we've made," Jane said. "How single, and particularly older, women, are finding alternative ways to have children."

"You remembered that?" Maura asked, recalling the exact conversation. The possibilities for older, and single, women were something she had read about in a medical journal. But for some reason she had yet to consider them as something possible for her.

"Of course I remembered it," Jane said. "I do listen to you."

"So, you're proposing that I visit a sperm bank and have a child alone?" Maura swallowed another mouthful of wine. She felt her hands start to shake. The very possibility of there being a practical solution to her worries made it all the more frightening. "Whilst I appreciate your consideration, raising a child is an awful lot of work. I don't think I'd want to do it alone."

"You're not alone. I'd help."

Brown eyes, so fixed on Maura's, so seriously set. The proposition laid out between them was one Maura had expected the least. She stared back, focused her attention on the very slight changes in Jane's pupils. Dilated. Her interest was not a passing phase.

Maura cleared her throat and downed the rest of her drink. "You...want to raise a child with me?"

"Sure."

The nonchalance unsettled Maura the most. She placed her hands into her lap under the table, the continuous shake of her fingers was not something she wished to share. Jane stared at her. Attempting to get her head around the concept of bringing a child into the world without a partner was challenging. Now she was faced with something completely unexpected.

Reality pulled her back into the room, her thoughts drifted to the possible results of said proposition. If she was to become a mother and have Jane's help, she couldn't be too sure how long that would be for.

"What if you meet someone and choose to have a family of your own?"

"Let's be honest, Maura. I'm no spring chicken either." Honesty lingered in her eyes. Maura valued the moments when Jane opened herself up to her vulnerabilities. The truest privilege of being Jane's friend. "My birthday's a few months away. Do you really expect me to be able to do what you haven't in a few months?"

"You do have a habit of driving men away," Maura said, regretting it instantly. Offending your friend was not the way to keep them on side.

"Thanks, Maura," Jane said, but the curve of her lips settled Maura's concerns. "We could do it together."

She sat upright, reclaimed her still trembling fingers from under the table and rested one on top of the other on the table in front of her. "You want us to become co-parents."

"Why not?" Jane shrugged, that simplicity was still there. In many ways it made perfect sense. "We practically live in each other's pockets already. Besides, Ma will not stop on at me about having more grandchildren. Who better to raise a child with than your best friend?"

"I don't know what to say."

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 **Author Notes** **: Thanks for reading and giving this one a chance, I'm hoping it's different enough to the usual baby fics - I can't wait to hear what you all think about it, so please, if you can take a moment to leave a comment, I will be forever grateful.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes** **: Wow. Thank you everybody. I wasn't expecting such an interest in this story, but here you all are. I almost certainly won't be updating this story every day, but I will try and get a couple of chapters up a week depending on how busy I am. I was hoping to update Rewind today, but I have a busy afternoon/evening so depending on what happens that may not be possible). I hope you enjoy reading the next chapter.**

* * *

It was Wednesday. The same as any old Wednesday. She would climb out of bed, shower, dress, and go to work. Somebody would possibly have their life extinguished by a family member, friend, or acquaintance. She would prepare their body for autopsy, gather evidence, and begin the process of finding out who that person was. If it wasn't a homicide, somebody would die by unknown causes and she would begin the painstaking process of providing answers to grieving relatives. She would go home, drink a glass of wine, read an article in the latest medical journal, and go to bed. An average day.

It was also her fortieth birthday.

She lay in bed staring up at the same ceiling she'd looked at for a decade, the only difference was the shade of white had changed a couple times over the years. She purchased her current home just after her thirtieth birthday, after moving from an apartment across town. Her career had reached some stability and her hopes for the coming years were more personal. Eventually Ian would move home, or so she had wished. That ship had sailed long ago.

Further opportunities to progress her career came, and she took them. But her personal goals reached a standstill.

Until she met Jack.

"Happy Birthday, Maura," she said to herself, climbing out of bed and stepping under the shower stream. For the briefest moment she forced herself to think only of the water hitting her skin, until her thoughts pierced the steaming bubble.

Before Jack came into her life she couldn't see any viable options. She'd dated many men, some of them she took home for a night, or a few weeks, and it was fun. At some point along their time together, they didn't want to continue their brief relationship, or she scared them off with her medical diagnoses. Jack was different. He accepted her quirks, he slipped into the empty space in her life like a hand in a custom made glove.

Then he left.

The reasoning for his departure didn't bother her. He needed to do right by his child and she couldn't begrudge him that. If anything, it reminded her how perfectly he would have suited her personal goals. Being a father came naturally to him, and he wasn't afraid to change his whole life to continue that role.

Despite her feelings running deeply for him, it wasn't him she specifically missed. It was the possibility she lost with the end of their relationship.

"Happy birthday," Jane shouted, entering the house some time later. Maura poured a second mug of coffee and placed it on the counter. Long arms stretched around her back and pulled in close. She sunk into Jane's arms. They saw each other so often that the pleasantries afforded to those who didn't live in each other's pockets were forgotten most of the time.

"Thank you," Maura said, stepping backwards. She reached for her own coffee and sipped it slowly.

"Time for presents!" Jane placed a gift bag on the counter.

"You didn't have to." She reached for it, then looked back up at Jane. "That's very kind."

She pulled tissue paper aside and lifted out a bottle of her favourite wine, a card which she stood up on the counter, and an envelope with a voucher for a balloon ride on it.

"Thank you, Jane; something I can cross off my bucket list. That's lovely."

"Did you look closely enough?" she asked, pointing at the information on the voucher.

"For two," Maura said. She raised an eyebrow at Jane.

"You can take anyone you want to, Maur," she said. "But if you wanted to take me, I _did_ say I'd do something on your bucket list. I promise I won't moan once. Okay, maybe once. But that's it. One moan, then I have to enjoy it."

She smiled and placed the bag to one side. "That's very thoughtful, thank you."

"You've missed one."

A final card rested in the bottom of the bag. Maura lifted the flap and pulled out a small slip of paper. She closed her eyes and ran a finger across her eyelids. The words caught up in the back of her throat. "A picnic at the zoo with Bass…Jane."

Jane placed her hand on Maura's wrist before she could place it back down by her side. "I know you miss him."

She nodded and attempted to close the floodgates, but her eyes stung and her throat ached. "You, you know me so well."

Jane ran her hand across Maura's arm. A silence followed that was both comfortable and laced with unanswered questions. Jane's hand still rested on Maura's wrist when she spoke again. "Did you have time to think about our conversation the other night?"

She stared down at Jane's fingers on her arm. "I haven't made a decision."

Her offer was one that Maura couldn't quite picture in her mind. She wanted to be a mother, and yet co-parenting with her best friend was not something she had ever considered. It didn't fit the picture she had of a husband and two children. A family that belonged to her in a way no other family ever really had.

"I'm sorry."

Jane shrugged. "There's no rush, well, not a lot of rush."

"Would you like some breakfast?"

"No," Jane said. "We're going out."

"We are?"

"Yes, we are. Now you've seen sense and decided not to cancel the party, we need to do something to celebrate your actual birthday."

x

"How about this one?" Angela asked, holding up a floral print dress.

"No, no, and a definite no," Jane said, shaking her head.

She ran her hand across the rail. Under most circumstances she wouldn't go anywhere near a dress, particularly spending time shopping for one. But Maura's birthday was an exception. She knew Maura well enough to know that Maura wouldn't mind her turning up in her jeans and a nice shirt. She also knew Maura well enough to know that deep down she would be disappointed, and it wouldn't fit in with the concept of her celebration.

"It's pretty," Angela said.

"Correction, it _was_ pretty," Jane said. "In the eighties."

"How about this one, then?"

Angela held up a simple moss green dress, with a long, flowing skirt. Jane tilted her head to the side to consider it. It wasn't the worst thing in the world.

"I'll try it on," she said, heading for the changing cubicles.

"About time, we've been here for hours," Angela said, following close behind.

"Don't exaggerate, Ma. We've been here twenty minutes."

"Feels more like two hours shopping with you."

Closing the door behind her, Jane dropped her slacks, pulled off her shirt. She stepped into the dress. After zipper acrobatics, she ran her hands down the front of the material.

"Do you want to grab a burger before we go?" she asked.

"Can't, I've gotta go to work."

"Then you can make me a burger," Jane said, reaching behind to unzip. She allowed the dress to fall to the ground and changed back into her own clothes. Opening the door, she pushed the dress into her mother's arms. "That'll do."

"You could have shown me what it looked like," Angela said.

"No need," Jane said, marching towards the cashier's desk. "It's fine."

"We should buy you some shoes and a purse to match."

Jane rolled her eyes. "No. We've been here for thirty minutes too long already. I'll drive you to work and then you can feed me."

"People wouldn't think you were a full grown adult," Angela said, placing the dress on the counter and pulling out her card. "If it wasn't for Maura, I'd be worried about leaving you."

"Why, where you going?"

"Nowhere. But I won't be here forever. You leave it any longer and I won't have any more grandchildren."

Jane glared at her. "I am not your only child. You make it sound like my one purpose in life is to reproduce so you can have grandchildren."

"After all the things I've done for you, I think you owe me that much," Angela said.

"Fine." Jane took her wallet from her pocket and pulled out her card. "I'll pay then."

"No," Angela said, pushing her card in the direction of the cashier. "It's my treat. I'm still your mother."

x

The hotel ballroom was lit up in emerald green and white lights. Maura stood at the front. Before her, the people she loved, and respected sat at tables, waiting for her to speak. Yet all she wanted to do was retreat to a toilet cubicle and lock the door. Unfortunately, hundreds of eyes were staring back at her.

"Ladies and gentlemen," she said, clutching the slip of paper on which she'd printed her notes. "Family, friends. Thank you all for joining me in a celebration of my birthday. I am humbled and honoured to host this event, in partnership with the Lowenstein Foundation. I met Joshua Lowenstein fifteen years ago when I worked on a double homicide case. He was a teenager and I was new to my career. I was greatly moved by the difficulties Joshua faced after his parents were murdered. He was lucky to have grandparents who gave him everything he needed, and fortunate to have inherited his parent's wealth. Tonight he is a dear friend, and the founder of the foundation named in honour of his late parents. I am blessed to be able to spend my birthday celebration raising money for a cause that is so important. I have spent much of my life giving my time and resources to good causes, and tonight is no different. Please, give what you can, so that children who have lost their parents can have the futures they may not be able to afford otherwise. Don't forget we also have a silent auction with some fantastic prizes donated to the cause. There's copious amounts of wine, a fabulous band, and an exquisite five course meal. Please enjoy the evening."

She stepped down from the stage to a round of applause. The room was abuzz with people, conversation shared freely across tables and between groups. Maura retreated to her own table, to the seat beside Jane.

"You did great," Jane said, placing a hand on her arm.

Maura smiled. She didn't feel like she did great at all. She knew her reason for hosting such event was note-worthy, its purpose would be part of the legacy she built through charitable work. But niggling in the back of her mind were two things; her age, and the lack of progress with her personal goals.

"Thank you," she said, forcing her smile to reach her eyes. She picked up her glass of wine and took a sip. "You were right; it is important that I didn't cancel."

"Why would you want to cancel?" Angela asked from Jane's other side. "You only turn forty once. Besides, they say fifty's the new forty. Which makes forty the new thirty."

"If only science worked in the same way catchphrases did," she said. To be able to shave off a decade would be a benefit to her future, the future she still clung onto in ways she hadn't anticipated. She stood up, her wine in hand, as she moved away from the table. "I must say hello to my guests."

Once around the room, Maura greeted friends, acquaintances and her parents. The conversation was light, several envelopes were stuffed into her hands and she came away with cheques for amounts some families could only dream of holding. She placed them in a box, refilled her wine, and sat down for the first course.

Five courses later, Maura ran her hands across her stomach. The food was as superb as she'd expected, though she'd eaten a little too much. A waiter came by and refilled her glass, and she drank it quicker than she anticipated. When another waiter came by, she refilled it once more.

"I can't wait to get this thing off," Jane said, tugging at the edges of her dress.

"I think you look beautiful," Maura said.

Jane pouted. "Not as beautiful as you. You know I'm not into dresses but yours is stunning, Maur."

"It cost more than you probably earn in a month," she admitted, a fact that filled her only with regret.

For years she'd indulged in the finer things in life - the very best champagne, expensive wines, clothing that the majority of her friends would never be able to afford. For the first time in a long time, she saw how frivolous that was. Yes, she donated money to a multitude of causes, and she worked hard for her wages. She deserved some indulgence. It just felt so hollow now.

"I'll be back," Jane said, resting a hand on Maura's shoulder as she moved towards the front of the room.

Maura watched her walk away, and wondered what it would look like if the two of them had a child together. Given that they were not in a relationship; the whole concept of co-parenting would be ultimately more complicated. There would undoubtedly need to be contracts drawn up, agreements decided upon, and a set of rules to govern how they proceeded. If she decided to accept Jane's offer.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Jane shouted, her voice carried through the sound system. Maura watched as Jane stood at the front of the room, looking anything but comfortable. The event was not your average party, Maura recognised that. It was not an environment she expected Jane to enjoy, or be particularly interested in. Her standing up and talking filled Maura with so much respect for her, that she felt tears sting her eyes. Jane wasn't one for fancy events and yet she was still there, talking to the room, because of her. "I wanted to say a few words about Doctor Maura Isles. I've known Maura for a long time. She's my best friend, and a wonderful colleague. It's taken her a long time to come out of her shell, to blossom as the beautiful person that she is today. She's an intelligent, kind hearted, and funny person who I am thankful to have in my life. I'd like you all to raise your glasses, and wish Maura a Happy Birthday."

In unison, the room lifted a glass and repeated Jane's sentiment. Maura pawed at her cheeks. She finished off her glass of wine, despite knowing full well that she was reaching her limit.

"I love you," Maura said, wrapping her arms around Jane's shoulders on her return to the table and pulling her in tightly.

"You too," Jane said, kissing her on the cheek and sitting back down.

Within the hour, the band were in full swing and couples were on the dance floor moving in unison to the music. Maura sipped another glass of wine. Her head felt a little fluffy. People came over, wished her well, congratulated her on the fine event, and shook her hand. There was life in the party long after the food had been cleared away, and another round of speeches had been shared. The silent auction winners came in, and more envelopes exchanged hands.

"Time to dance," Maura said, placing her empty wine glass on the table and tugging at Jane's hand. She groaned, but followed her anyway. They moved across the dance floor, through upbeat tracks and slower songs. Men and women wrapped their arms around each other and Maura felt her heart ache for the relationship she had yet to find. She reached her arms around Jane's neck.

"Have you had a good time?" Jane asked, silently allowing Maura to slow dance with her.

"I think we've raised a lot of money," she said.

"That's not what I asked."

"I need another drink," Maura said, dropping her hands and returning to the table.

At her heel, Jane followed her back across the room and they sat in silence, watching the dancers, with wine glasses in their hands. Maura sipped continuously, until another couple of glasses were empty and she felt her knees weaken.

"Ladies and gentlemen, can I have everyone's attention, please." Joshua Lowenstein stood at the front of the room. The band had taken a break. He held up the box in which the cheques had been placed. "You can return to your evening in a few moments, I just wanted to inform you that up til now we have raised thirty-four thousand dollars."

The room erupted into a round of applause. Maura stood up, a smile spread across her face and she nodded at Joshua. He nodded back, thanked everyone for their contribution and retreated back to his own table. Maura placed a hand on the back of her chair as the world span.

"Whoa, careful there," Jane said, reaching out to Maura's other arm. She grasped for Jane's shoulder.

"I feel sick," Maura said, her stomach twisted up.

"You did amazing tonight," Jane said, standing up.

"All that money."

Maura clung to Jane's dress, her fingers wrapped tightly around the material. Jane's hand slipped around her waist and supported her weakening knees. She tried to speak but her mouth had become very dry and words a jumbled mess in her mind.

"I think it's time for bed," Jane said.

They walked out of the room and through the hotel lobby, up the elevator and into Maura's suite. She fell down against the bed sheets, pulling Jane down beside her.

"I should go home."

"Stay," Maura said, edging up the bed until her head rested on a pillow.

Jane kicked off her shoes and lay down beside Maura. "I don't like seeing you so sad."

"I'm fine." She rubbed at her eyes. Her emotions had reached their limit and tears spilled down her cheeks. "Really fine."

"Don't be sad, Maura," Jane said, running her thumb across Maura's face.

"I want a baby," she said, pushing Jane's hand down away from her cheek. She clung to it between them. Her eyes fixed on Jane's. "I want us to have a baby."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"It's my only chance."

"I don't believe that," Jane said.

"Don't you want a baby with me?" Maura asked, swiping at her face. "I thought you wanted a baby with me."

"I do. If you want to, we can have a baby."

"Yay." She held her hands up above her head until they reached the bed head. "The best. You're my best."

"I know," Jane said, running a hand along the side of Maura's face.

"What do we do?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do we have a baby?" Maura grasped the pillow beside her head. "You have an egg and I have an egg, and we really need sperm."

Jane rolled her eyes. "You're drunk."

"No, I'm not. I can still recite the periodic table starting from Hydrogen. Helium, Lithium, Beryllium."

"Now's not the time," Jane said. "Get some sleep."

"Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen, Oxygen."

"Sleep, Maura."

She closed her eyes, and yawned loudly. "Fluorine, Neon, Sodium, Magnesium..."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Notes** **: Thank you for even more response from this story - I think it's going to be an interesting one to explore, and I can't wait to share more of it with you.**

* * *

"What's this?" Jane asked, staring down at the folder placed on her desk.

"It's research," Maura said.

"Into?"

"The thing we discussed."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "The baby thing?"

"Let's keep this on the low down," Maura said, her eyes narrowed in Jane's direction.

"I think you mean down low."

"Either way," Maura said. "Until we've finalised the legalities and conceived, I don't think we should be talking about it. Particularly not in a public arena."

Jane stood and, folder in hand, ushered Maura toward the elevator. "Which is why you're giving me your research at work?"

"It's not ideal, but I was excited."

The elevator doors opened and they stepped inside. Jane pressed the button for the basement and waited.

"Please can you read it and have it back to me by tomorrow," Maura said, motioning toward the folder. "I've highlighted specific areas of importance and made a few notes. I've also included a list of considerations to be made before we take this forward."

"A list?" Jane opened the folder and stared down at the eighteen item list. Silently, she ran a finger along it. "Schools? Maura, the kid isn't even a kid and you want to discuss schools?"

The elevator doors opened. Jane closed the folder and they stepped out. Maura opened her mouth to speak but Jane clamped a hand across it and pushed her through the door to her office. She closed it behind them.

"What are you doing?" Maura asked.

"Trying to keep this private, which despite saying you wanted to keep it on the down low, have done anything but. Now go."

"Go where?"

"Speak, Maura; you can speak now."

"Oh. Well, if you want to get your child into the very best educational institutes, you have to register them before they're born."

"Really?" Jane asked, returning to the list. She perched on the edge of the couch. "Conception date? Why do we need to decide on a conception date?"

Maura sat down beside her. "There has been copious amounts of research done into the success rates of summer born babies. If we choose to have a child born in the summer, we may risk their future endeavours. It's all in the file."

Pinching the bridge of her nose and running her fingers over her eye, Jane sighed. "This isn't how most people have babies."

"It isn't?"

"No, Maura. They have sex, get pregnant, and decide everything _after_ the birth."

"That doesn't sound very effective."

Jane coughed and covered the smile gracing her lips. "I can guarantee it's worked one hundred per cent of the time for male and female couples."

"That can't be accurate, where did you read that?"

"I didn't read it, Maura." Jane flicked through the research. "It's common sense. Anyone who's managed to have a baby without any medical intervention will not have spent hours researching whatever and deciding on schools."

"That makes no sense to me."

"Maura." Jane lifted up a printed document and flicked through several pages. "Why is there a list of _seventy-two_ fertility clinics in here?"

"I wanted to be thorough."

"This one's in London," Jane said, holding it up and pointing to the bottom of the first sheet of paper. "In the United Kingdom."

"I didn't want to discount overseas options because of location. The clinic in London is one of the best in the world."

Placing the folder on the table, Jane ripped the list of clinics in half and tossed it on top. She folded her arms across her chest as Maura's chin dropped.

"Let's do it the old fashioned way."

"Unless you're going to reveal that you were actually born with male genitalia, I doubt that would be possible."

Rolling her eyes, Jane picked the folder up again. "All we need is some swimmers and something to shove it up there," Jane said. "It can't be that difficult."

"You want to have a baby the lesbian way?"

"Why not? Works for lesbians."

"There are medical procedures that emulate the turkey baster method," Maura said. "I would really prefer we do this via a certified professional. Whilst I am not in the least bit concerned about you poking about in my nether region, I would rather we did it under close supervision."

Jane pursed her lips together. "You'd rather someone watch me feel you up?"

"Jane, be serious."

"I am." She handed the folder to Maura. "We don't need hours of computer time, or lists. We just need a bit of handsome sperm and a moment alone."

"I thought you would prefer a doctor insert the sample," Maura said. "I expected you to say 'ew, that's never gonna happen'."

"Ordinarily I wouldn't want to be anywhere near your underwear," Jane said. "But this is our baby we're talking about. I want to be able to tell him or her the story of how I got you pregnant one day. Besides, I want to be there for the birth and I'm going to see a whole lot of stuff I don't want to. So I might as well get a head start."

x

The room was clinical and cold, not unlike any hospital room Maura had ever been in – aside from the children's wards. Given the happier reason for visiting the clinic, she felt disappointed. Fertility was supposed to be a positive thing, and she hadn't realised just how much a dull coloured wall could affect her mood.

"How can I help you, Ms Isles?"

"Doctor Isles," Maura said, a typical response to anyone's assumption about her status. She forged a smile. "Maura."

"How can I help you, Maura?" he repeated.

"I'd like you to test my fertility level."

He glanced at the closed door behind her. "Would you rather wait for your husband to arrive?"

"No," Maura said, frowning. "I would not. I do not have a husband, and I'm incensed at your assumption that I do."

"My apologies. Is there someone else you would like to be here? A female partner perhaps?"

Maura pursed her lips and clasped her hands over her knee. "I do not need to be in a relationship to want to test my level of fertility, please proceed with the tests before I report you to your superior."

"Very well," he said, maintain a modicum of calm. He pulled up a file on his tablet computer. "I have a few routine questions to ask before we begin. How long have you been trying to get pregnant?"

"I haven't yet."

He raised an eyebrow. "And how old are you?"

"Forty."

"Are your periods regular or irregular?"

"They've been like clockwork since I turned twenty. Aside from a few months in my twenty-sixth year when I suffered from an immense level of stress."

"Have you had any fertility tests and/or treatment before?"

"No."

"Have you been pregnant before?"

"No."

"When do you plan to become pregnant?"

"As soon as is possible."

"Are you currently suffering from a sexually transmitted infection?"

"No."

"Have you ever suffered from a sexually transmitted infection?"

"Definitely not."

"Are you aware that given your age you have a higher chance of infertility, or low fertility?"

"I am."

"We'll start with a simple blood test, where we'll check your hormone level. Depending on the results we may progress to an ultrasound scan. Finally, if appropriate, we can do a hysterosalpingogram, where we."

Maura cut him off. "I know what a HSG is."

"Very well." He stood up and opened a couple of drawers. "If you'd like to take off your jacket and roll up your sleeve, I'll take a sample."

Twenty minutes later, Maura sat in her car analysing the small bruise forming on her arm where they'd taken blood. She wished she'd invited Jane along. The doctor was obviously barely out of medical school and she didn't appreciate his tone of voice. Attempting to have a baby at her age was hard enough without his constant glares. Regardless, she anticipated the coming days to be particularly difficult. Waiting on the results of tests was something she did on a daily basis. However, most of the time she was not waiting to find out her own chances of becoming a mother. She dialed Jane's number and rested her cell phone against her ear.

"Would you like to come for dinner?" she said.

x

Pouring herself a glass of wine, Maura carried it across to the dining table along with a beer for Jane. She put the drinks down and seated herself opposite her friend. Despite her better judgment, Maura had agreed to put most of the baby list aside for now. Though she planned to bring it up again later.

"We should at least talk about sperm donation," Maura said.

"Where's the nearest sperm bank?" Jane asked, forking a piece of asparagus into her mouth.

Maura opened the folder and pulled out a slip of paper. "Before we consider a sperm bank, I came up with some other options."

"Other options." Jane frowned, taking the slip of paper out of her hand. "What other options?"

The silence was palpable. Jane's eyes moved down the list, growing wider as she reached the bottom. She placed the paper on the table and stared at Maura, her mouth agape.

"Are you going to say something?"

Shaking her head, Jane lifted her bottle of beer up and swallowed a couple of mouthfuls.

"What can I say, Maura?" she asked. "This list is made up of every single man who has been in our lives in the last ten years."

"For the sake of our child's future health, it is important that we have a full medical history. Using sperm donated from a friend or relative is the most successful way of gaining that."

Jane drank some more. "Why would we want a child using your ex-boyfriends sperm? _Or mine_?"

"Why not?" It was a perfectly logical option. Their ex-partners were people they had at one point in time felt some attraction towards. That meant any child conceived using their sperm would be a child they could have had if their situations had been different. Jane pinched her nose and closed her eyes. Maura placed her cutlery on her plate and pushed it aside. "Do you have a headache?"

"No, Maura. I need you to stop making lists."

"Jack is an excellent candidate, probably the best out of everyone on the list. He's attractive. He's already fathered a child, and has shown immense paternal instincts. He's also shown a level of intelligence and maturity."

"He's also had sex with you."

"Would you rather the donor have had sex with you?"

"No!"

"Is it a problem for you if we use a donor who has had sex with me?" Maura sipped her wine. "If Jack and I were to have a child together, that is almost certainly the route we would take."

"But the baby isn't yours and Jacks."

"What about Tommy or Frankie, then?" She pointed to their names on the list. "If we use one of your brothers' sperm, then the baby can have a mixture of mine and your genetics."

"I think I just threw up in my mouth." Jane rolled her eyes. "I don't need the kid to look like me, Maura. I'd rather the kid didn't."

"Then what about Kent? He's young and virile, he's not currently in a relationship, so there are no issues with a partner being unhappy about his donating. He's close enough that we can learn his medical history, but not so close that he's related to you."

"I'm not taking sperm from a man who walks around in a skirt."

"A kilt."

"Same thing."

"A kilt is traditional Scottish dress favoured by men. A skirt is an item of clothing that is more socially acceptable on a woman.

"No, Maura. Not Kent."

"How about Benny?"

"Who the fuck is Benny?"

"The barrister who works at the coffee house down the street from BPD."

Jane's eyes bugged and she stared at Maura. "Really?"

Maura sighed. "Is there anybody on the list you would not have a problem asking?"

"I think we should go for an anonymous sperm donor."

"But the medical history," Maura said.

"Screw the medical history," Jane said. "I'm sure they've thought of that at the sperm bank. We just need to find someone who is willing to meet with you to discuss medical history, and someone who is willing to not meet me so I don't have to picture the guy every time our kid talks."

"I'm willing to look into anonymous donors."

"Thank you. Now can you please stop obsessing over this? All we need is some sperm, anything else doesn't matter."

"Except a formal contract."

"Maura."

"I will not budge on a contract," she said. "If something were to happen to either of us, or for any reason we were to become hostile toward each other, I want to know that our child is protected by a legal document."

"Fine." Jane lifted her beer bottle up to her lips but nothing came out. She reached for Maura's wine and emptied the glass. "Formal contract, anonymous sperm donor. Now can we get back to talking about whatever it is we usually discuss?"

"Don't you want to start looking at donors?"

"Not tonight I don't. I have plans with the Sox."

x

Paperwork piled up on Jane's desk. The three cases they had on the go were running the team into the ground. She ran her fingers through her hair and read through the case file for the fourth time. The murder of Anton Jackson, aged twenty, had occurred a couple of weeks ago. With little evidence and any leads running cold, Jane knew it was destined for the cold case pile.

"Think we'll ever catch them?" Jane asked.

"Looking slim," said Korsak, who was working on leads in the murder of Simone Jefferson.

Frankie banged against his desk with both hands, one after the other, like a drummer. He stood up and shouted. "Got it!"

"That's not fair," Jane said. "Your case is newer."

"So?"

"So I'm not giving you twenty bucks."

"A bet's a bet."

"Last time I make a bet with you," she said, pulling out a couple of crumpled notes and tossing them across to his desk. "What did you find?"

"Louis Sims clocked in at eight thirty-two, and was found dead in the store cupboard at nine fifteen. Maura estimated his time of death to be eight thirty-five. Given the amount of blood loss he was stabbed at least ten minutes earlier. Leaving a three minute window between him officially arriving at work and his time of death."

"Give me something I don't already know," Jane said.

"CCTV footage shows Louis arrived at eight sixteen. He entered the building but failed to clock in."

"Leaving a fourteen minute window instead of three."

"Exactly." Frankie sat down on the edge of his desk. "The only other employees in the building at that time were Rose Ravero and Lisa Polk, making them our prime suspects."

"Nice job, Rizzoli," Korsak said, placing his case file on the desk. He stood up and grabbed his jacket. "Let's go speak to them."

Frankie holstered his gun and fastened his jacket button. "You coming, Jane?"

Her cellphone buzzed in her pocket. "Nah, I'd better take this. Go ahead. Catch me up later."

x

"I'll be down in a minute," Jane said, hanging up her cell phone and slipping it into her pocket. She grabbed her jacket from her chair and carried it down to the Division One Café. She approached a table in the centre of the room.

"Detective Rizzoli," Silver Heyes said, standing up and holding out her hand.

"Hello Ms Heyes." Jane shook her hand.

"Silver, please. It's nice to see you again," Silver said. She motioned towards the seat opposite and sat back down. "I wanted to update you on Adam."

"Adam?" Jane's brow furrowed. She took the spare seat. "You mean Billy? How is he? At least he has a name now."

"He's well," she said. "You'll be happy to know his mother returned for him within a couple of days. She was physically and emotionally exhausted. We're working closely with her to ensure she has the support she needs."

"That's good news." Jane leaned forward, her hands face down on the table in front of her. "You didn't have to come all the way out here, a phone call would have been fine."

"I wanted an excuse to see you again."

"What do you need an excuse for?" Jane sat back in her seat, the crease between her eyebrows deepened.

"I wanted to know if I could buy you a coffee sometime."

"I'd never say no to a coffee." Jane smiled. "I probably drink too much of it."

"Great." Silver took a pen out of her jacket pocket and scribbled a number on a napkin. She pushed it across the table. "This is my personal number. Give me a call any time."

"Will do," Jane said, picking it up. She stood up. Adam's father's case wasn't going to solve itself, nor were the other two they'd been working on. She pushed the napkin into her pocket. "I should get on."

"Of course, don't let me keep you."

Standing up opposite her, Silver closed the gap between them and pressed her lips gently against the corner of Jane's mouth. She froze.

"See you soon, I hope," Silver said, her bottom lip tucked under her teeth as she waved and walked out of the café.

Jane watched her leave, felt the world continue to turn around her. Police officers entered in uniform, detectives jumped the queue, and the barrister made coffee after coffee. She shook her head and walked toward the elevator.

x

The office door closed. Jane stood pacing back and forth across the tiled flooring. Maura tried to focus on her phone call, but Jane's presence was distracting.

"I'll be in at four to get the results, thank you," Maura said. She placed her phone down and looked up at Jane. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said, stopping in front of Maura. "I just got hit on by the woman from the DCF."

Maura sat upright. "She hit you? Why?"

"Hit _on_. She picked me up, Maura. She asked me out on a date."

"What did you say?"

She threw her hands up in the air. "I said yes."

Maura's eyes opened a little wider. The unexpected nature of Jane's visited was a welcomed distraction her from her thoughts. "You said _yes_?"

"I didn't realise what I was saying yes to," Jane said, walking towards the door and back again. "I thought she was being friendly."

A smirk spread across Maura's face. The whole situation was mildly entertaining. "Instead she wants to see inside your panties."

"Shut up," Jane said, slouching into the chair on the opposite side of Maura's desk. "She kissed me. _On my face._ In front of the whole division."

"What will you do next?"

"Burn my face."

"Come on, Jane." Maura rested her chin on her hand. "It can't have been that bad."

She rolled her eyes. "Can I at least burn the napkin she wrote her personal number on?"

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because I'm not interested."

"Not even a little bit?"

Jane frowned. "What are you implying, Maura?"

Maura clasped her hands in front of her. She'd read more literature on the matter than an average person. "Sexuality is fluid."

"Since when?"

"Since always. Policy is behind the times. It's all there in the research."

"You want me to go on a date with a woman?"

"Why not?" Maura leaned forward. Neither of them had explicitly discussed their sexual preferences before. Whilst Maura didn't anticipate Jane to hold any particularly strong homosexual feelings, she also hadn't ruled out the possibility. "It's not like you've had many other offers lately."

" _No_." Jane cleared her throat. "I am not going on a date with a woman."

Maura sat back in her seat. "Well, that's your decision. But I think you could be making a big mistake."

* * *

 **Author Notes** **: I'd love to know your opinions on the various goings on - e.g. Silver Heyes (should she/shouldn't she?). Is there anything you'd particularly like to see in this story? I'm quite flexible at the moment and I'm willing to take on suggestions. I know you guys have lots of thoughts on these things!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author Notes** **: You guys...thank you so much for the amazing response, once more. It seems many of you are enjoying this story and I am so glad to hear that. I don't usually write fluffier chapter fics. I don't know if I ever have? My default mode is angst and I struggle to come up with ideas for something on the fluffier end of the spectrum. I know there's a bit of drama, but I don't think you can really get a fic without any. I really appreciate the response and I hope you continue to enjoy it. I seem to be flying through this faster than anticipated...**

* * *

Jane gripped the coffee mug in both hands. It was early. Maura was still asleep, or so she assumed. When she let herself in first thing, the lights were off and there was no sign of Maura. She made herself a mug of coffee and proceeded to stare into it. A couple of dark brown specks floated on top. She stirred it again, until they dissolved into the hot liquid.

"How long have you been here?" Maura asked, rubbing her eyes. She entered the kitchen and switched on the coffee machine.

She checked her watch. "About an hour."

"I'm going to shower," Maura said. Pulling her gown tighter around her middle, she left Jane alone again.

Mornings were easy. Jane usually woke up before her alarm, unless she'd had a late night. That morning she showered quickly and hopped straight into the car. Maura was nearly always awake when she arrived. Most mornings they would sit and have breakfast together before work. Maura would bore her with the latest medical journal she'd been reading, and Jane would bore her in return with the latest Red Sox statistics.

A baby would change everything.

"Eggs?" Maura asked. She reentering the room fully clothed, with a towel round her hair.

"Please."

Jane liked her life just the way it was. She liked her independence, and her ability to work all the hours under the sun. She didn't really take many vacations, and even if they forced her to, she'd probably hang around Fenway Park or the Dirty Robber. She was a creature of habit and the thought of that changing scared her.

But it also excited her.

"Would you like to come with me to meet with my lawyer?"

"Maura," Jane said, rolling her eyes.

"You don't have to," she said, taking a box of eggs out of the refrigerator. "But I will be going this afternoon at two thirty. It's important that we sign a contract before we attempt to conceive."

Years ago when Jane suffered the miscarriage, it reminded her just how much she wanted something more in her life. She talked shit about marriage and babies like none of it really mattered. But deep down it did. Her mother brought her up to expect to raise a family. Somewhere deep inside she knew she wanted it.

"It might not be easy," Jane said. Despite poo-pooing much of Maura's research, she had done some of her own. It was harder to have a child later in life, that was a fact. The risk of said child having a chromosomal abnormality was higher, and she didn't know how she felt about it.

Maura cracked open an egg into the frying pan. "There are a couple of options we can try."

"It's not the same, though, is it?"

"The same as what?"

"Having sex."

"A lot of couples who struggle to conceive have to use other options."

Jane sighed. "Don't you want to do it the way you always thought you would?"

Maybe it was the lack of decent men in her life that made it all the harder. One day she'd given up hope. One day she decided that her career was more important than anything a man could offer her. So she put her heart and soul into working, into saving lives, and what did she have to show for it? A couple of awards and a badge that shined when she polished it.

Maura stirred the eggs in the pan until they scrambled slowly. "I thought we'd discussed this. It was your idea to co-parent. Do you want to change your mind?"

"No," Jane said. She stood up and poured herself a fresh coffee from the machine. Chromosomal abnormalities or not, Jane wanted a child as much as Maura did. "I just don't want to take it away from you."

"You're not." Maura took two plates from the cupboard. "I want to do this with you, Jane."

"Have you had enough time to think about it?"

"Of course I have," she said, emptying the pan onto the plates. "I've done the research. I know the statistics around conception post forty and I know the risks. We know each other better than some married couples; we have differing expertise that we can bring to our child's life. I can't think of anyone better to raise a child with."

"If you're sure."

"I am."

Hearing Maura talk about her regrets reminded her only of her own mortality. Her body clock didn't scream the way Maura's apparently had been doing. Maybe that was why she didn't care to carry the child herself. If the question came up, she wouldn't be against it, but it didn't drive her.

Maura placed the eggs on the counter and Jane picked up a fork. "Thanks, Maur, they're great."

Maura was her family, and sharing a child made sense in too many ways. No romantic partner had ever known her the way Maura did. They loved each others' flaws like they were their own. They were in it for the long haul.

x

"I need that tissue sample," Jane said, pacing in and out of the doorway.

"The longer you stand there making comments, the longer it will take," Maura said, adjusting the microscope. When her view cleared, she switched the slide. "I know you're pouting and you can stop that."

"Me? Pout?" Jane folded her arms across her chest.

Maura lifted her gaze. "I know you're thrilled to have a breakthrough in your case, but I can only work so fast."

"You're quicker than the DNA lab," Jane said. "Can't you hurry them up?"

"I've already told you it'll be a week. That's faster than it was going to be." She returned her attention to the sample in front of her. Glancing through the microscope, she switched between the samples. Once she spotted what she was looking for, she maintained her position.

"Maura!"

"Patience, Jane." She switched slides again. Her lips curved at the edges, disguised only by the microscope in front of her. "You do realise when the baby is conceived, we'll have to wait for it to arrive."

Jane looked around the lab. Kent was out on an errand and the other technicians hadn't arrived yet. "I thought we'd agreed not to talk about it in public?"

Maura finally stood up. "Your sample is a match."

"What does that mean?"

"It means the fibre found on the body is the exact fibre found on the murder weapon."

"All I have to do is find out where the fibre came from, and a link to…somebody."

Taking the slides out of the microscope, Maura logged them on the evidence record. "You're one step closer to solving the case."

"Not close enough," Jane said.

"I've already told you," Maura replied. "I cannot make the DNA lab work any faster. It takes as long as it takes."

"Fine." Jane rolled her eyes and headed for the open door. "I'll see you later."

x

The line at the Division One Café was halfway to the door. Jane stood mid-way, tapping her foot against the tiles. She checked her watch every few moments and groaned. Until she received back the DNA results from the lab, she could barely progress the case, but it still bugged her to be standing in line. She had better things to be doing.

"Jane Rizzoli?"

She turned to her right. Silver Heyes stood across the café. Her eyes narrowed in her direction. Two visits since she came to collect Adam? Jane cleared her throat and forged a smile.

"Silver, what are you doing here? Did you have an update on Adam?"

"No, not exactly. He's doing fine." She stepped toward her and joined her in the line. "I came because, well, I know it's silly of me. You didn't call so I should have just accepted that you weren't interested. But I had to know."

"Oh." Turning around, Jane checked the café for nosey detectives. Discussing the date she hadn't realised she'd said yes to was not something she hoped to do in such a public space.

"I'm sorry." Silver shrugged her shoulders. "I probably look so desperate."

"Not at all," Jane said. She reached a hand out to her shoulder, then retracted it before making contact. She didn't want to give her any mixed messages. "I'm sorry if we got our wires crossed. I'm not gay."

"Really?" Silver's eyebrows pulled together. "I could have sworn I was getting serious vibes from you."

"No, I'm as straight as the pope is Catholic."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry." She placed her hands on her cheeks. "I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't be." Jane smiled, and edged forward in the line. "I'm flattered, really."

Silver backed away. "I should go. I'm sorry."

"Wait," Jane stepped toward her. When someone filled the space she vacated, she pushed herself back into the line, her eyes narrowed in the direction of a portly man behind her. She reached toward Silver. "You don't have to go. We could still get a coffee, if you want."

"Now?"

"Sure."

x

The office door slammed closed, making Maura jump. She looked up to find Jane staring at her, her eyes bugged and her hands moving incessantly over each other.

"What's wrong?" Maura asked.

"How do you know if a date is a date?"

Frowning, Maura motioning to the seat opposite her desk. Jane dropped onto the couch by the door. She stood up and joined her.

"You know I fail to notice many social cues," Maura said. "I'm probably not the most qualified person to ask. What happened?"

"Silver turned up when I was buying coffee. I tried to let her down but she looked so sad, so I asked her to join me."

"You invited someone who invited you for a coffee date, to join you for coffee?" Maura clasped her hands over her knees. Her lack of understanding of social cues did not make her a complete novice, but she was out of her depth. Silver's actions seemed pretty obvious, it was Jane's that confused her.

"When you put it like that it sounds like _I_ asked _her_ out," Jane said.

Maura raised an eyebrow. Playing the devil's advocate didn't come naturally to her, but she didn't know what else to do. Jane's actions were contradictory to say the least. "Was that not what you were intending doing?"

"Not on a _date_."

"Return to the moment you tried to let her down," Maura said, trying to piece together what Jane was telling her.

Jane slouched back in her seat. "She came up to me while I was standing in line waiting for coffee and I told her I wasn't gay."

"So, she knows you're not interested in a romantic relationship," Maura said.

"Not exactly." Jane placed her hands on her thighs. "I told her I wasn't gay, she got embarrassed and tried to leave. I invited her for coffee."

"How is informing her of your sexual orientation not letting her know your intentions?"

"She asked me out. I said no. Then I asked her to join me for coffee. I tried to avoid sending mixed messages, and then I did."

"Did she indicate any confusion?"

"When she was leaving she said she'd like to do it again sometime," Jane said.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Did you enjoy her company?"

"Yeah," Jane said, her lips curved involuntarily. Wiping her hand across her mouth, she cleared her throat. Once she'd returned her hand to her thigh again, Maura noticed the smile had gone.

"What exactly is the problem, Jane?"

" _I'm not gay_."

"I think she knows that."

"I don't want to lead her on."

"It sounds like you've made her very much aware of your position."

"Then why does she want to do it again?"

"I thought you would be better equipped to answer that."

"Why? I have no idea what lesbians are like."

"I think they're like you and I, Jane," Maura said. "They're women first and foremost."

"And that makes me better equipped, how?"

The alarm on Maura's phone rang loudly across the office. She stood up and took her phone off the desk, turning off the alarm.

"I have to leave."

"Now?"

"I have an appointment with my lawyer, you're welcome to come along."

Jane sighed. "Still no, Maur."

She picked up her purse and placed her jacket over her forearm. "Good luck with your quandary. Meet me for dinner?"

"Only if you're cooking."

"How about Chinese takeout?"

"Are you paying?"

"I'm going to be carrying your child, I think you should pay," Maura said. She held up her free arm as she walked out of the room, grinning from ear to ear.

x

Takeout containers cluttered the coffee table, filled with Maura's favourite foods. It was the least Jane could do under the circumstances. As she had rightly pointed out earlier that day, she was going to carry her future son or daughter. Buying takeout was the least she could do.

"Did you reach any conclusions about Silver?" Maura asked.

"No," Jane said, fighting with a piece of chicken that had fallen into her egg fried rice.

"Have you made any plans to see her again?"

"No," Jane repeated. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"I've had my lawyer draw up the documents," Maura said. She opened her briefcase and handed a copy of the document to Jane. "This is a draft copy of a generic contract they use in non-biological parenting cases. If you'd like to highlight the particular points you'd like to see in our contract, and return it to me with comments, then we can get a final document written up."

"That's not what I meant when I said let's talk about something else."

"What else would we talk about?"

"Literally any subject topic that isn't Silver, or lawyers."

"Now that I've handed you the document, I think we should discuss it."

Jane stabbed at the piece of chicken with her chopstick and placed it in her mouth. "I don't need to sign a contract, Maura."

"Yes, you do," she said.

She put the container on the coffee table and scanned the document. Her eyes narrowed as they travelled down the page. Several pages later, she looked up. "I wouldn't ever stop you from seeing our kid, Maura. Why would you think that?"

"I don't," Maura said. "But we have to cover all future possibilities. What about when things change?"

"Things are not going to change."

"Things have already changed."

"What do you mean?"

"You went on a date, Jane." She poured herself a glass of wine. "If that relationship becomes something of significance, then I want to protect us both."

Jane sighed. The insinuation that she had been on a date with a woman irked her. Maura was crossing a line and she was teetering dangerous close to the edge of her tether. "It wasn't a date. We're just _friends_."

"It could be a date, though. If you wanted it to be."

"I _don't_."

"If not this date, the next one," Maura said. "Neither of us know our futures. What if you meet somebody tomorrow and want to have a family with them?"

All Jane wanted was a quiet evening with her friend. The last thing she wanted was to argue, yet again, over a non-existent child. The way things were going she didn't anticipate they'd get much further. "None of that changes this situation. We are having a child together. We're building a family that goes beyond marriage and relationships."

"You say that now," Maura said. "But what will it be like if you want to raise your own family?"

"What will it be like if you want to raise _yours_?"

"I don't anticipate that happening."

"Neither do I." Jane placed her hand on the couch between them. "I trust you. Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do. But things can change. This arrangement we have is complex and I want to protect the baby."

"So do I."

"Then please, Jane, can you take this seriously?"

She ran her fingers across her temples. "We're going to be discussing this kid for the next twenty years, can we please just have one night where baby talk is off the table?"

"If we must."

"Thank you."

They fell into a silence. Jane picked up her container and commenced eating. Beside her, she could hear Maura chewing.

The amount of information that needed considering before they even thought about their anonymous donor was astounding. Sometimes Jane wished she could find someone to have a baby with, then maybe it wouldn't be such a complicated mess of contracts and lists. She knew it was, in part, due to Maura's nature. She needed to be in control, whereas Jane was quite happy to take each day as it came.

"Why did you ask Silver for coffee?"

"I don't know," Jane said, shrugging her shoulders.

"If you like her, it's okay."

Jane glared. "It's not like that."

"If it was, it would be okay."

"I don't want to discuss it anymore, Maura. Let me eat in peace."

"I know." She held her glass of wine up to her mouth. "But I wanted you to know that if it was like that, it would be okay."

x

When Maura met Jane all those years ago, she looked like a prostitute. In her defense, Jane was working undercover. The friendship they formed over the years was unconventional to say the least. They were like chalk and cheese, and on paper it didn't make sense. Maura was borderline autistic, something which she made sure to confirm later in life. Jane was your run of the mill detective who loved beer and baseball. The first time Maura met Jane after her case, she questioned her sexuality.

"I'm sorry for pushing you earlier," Maura said, holding her cellphone to her ear.

"I thought you were getting an early night," Jane replied.

Over the years, Maura had learned more about Jane as a person and had figured out her personality in some detail. In those early days she was not quite as adept as she had become at picking up on Jane's social cues. According to her research, Jane's personality matched up perfectly with that of a stereotypical lesbian.

"I couldn't sleep."

On a daily basis there was no evidence to support her hypothesis. Until they pretended to be in a relationship to scare off Giovani. Even that was tentative based on the reasoning for their ruse.

"Silver's a nice person," Jane said. "But it's not like that. I don't have any friends outside of work, maybe it'd be nice to."

After saying goodnight earlier in the evening, Maura lay in bed questioning everything she knew about Jane. She said she wasn't interested in women, then asked Silver on a date. It didn't make sense to Maura at the time.

"I just want you to be happy," she said, pulling her bed sheets up to her chin.

Jane stayed silent for a moment. "Who says I'm not?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Author Notes: Thank you so much for following/favouriting, and especially the comments. I really enjoy reading through them - some of them make me laugh, some of them give me ideas, and some of them I wish I could answer but can't (guests). Thank you all so much and I hope you enjoy the update.**

* * *

She sat on the couch sipping beer from a bottle, beads of condensation landed on her fingertips. Jane rested her elbow on her knee and leaned forward. It was not every day you sat in front of a laptop flicking through potential sperm donors. She reached for a handful of popcorn and chucked a few kernels into her mouth.

"Take this seriously, Jane," Maura said, clicking on to the next person. "We're not at the movies."

"I am taking this seriously." She finished chewing and swallowed, before tossing another couple of pieces into her mouth. She pushed them to one side. "I just don't like the guy."

"You've seen one photograph and read a paragraph of information."

"So?"

"That is nowhere near enough information to know the suitability of his sperm."

"I'd rather think about something other than his sperm. Right now he's a jerk in a Yankees shirt."

Maura sighed. "You're discounting him because he doesn't support your favourite baseball team?"

"The Yankees are our biggest rivals, Maur."

It sounded like a reasonable reason to Jane. It took barely a second for her to discount him. He was entirely lacking in suitability and she wasn't about to back down anytime soon. Besides, he didn't look very friendly.

"Preference in baseball team is not a valid reason."

"Says you. Besides, I'm discounting him because he's a jerk."

"Fine," Maura said. "But that means I can discount the first man we put on the list because he wears glasses."

Rolling her eyes, Jane sipped on her beer. "I don't understand your problem with glasses. He looks as smart as you."

"My problem is that if our child decides they want to be a surgeon, or pilot, they should not have anything stopping them."

"Surely there's surgeons with glasses," Jane said.

"Wearing corrective lenses would put him or her at a direct disadvantage compared to those with twenty twenty vision. If you can veto based on baseball, I can veto based on our child's future career opportunities."

"Deal."

The crease between Maura's eyebrows made Jane smile. She enjoyed the verbal sparring. She enjoyed winning more, but she didn't mind compromising when it was with Maura. The jovial nature of their conversation reminded her of the reason why they'd chosen to do this. They were good together. They worked well as a team, even when they pissed each other off.

"I don't recall agreeing to those terms," Maura said.

"Too late," Jane replied.

"It's not too late."

"Yes, it is." Jane pulled the laptop round to get a better look. "He looks good."

"He has an overbite."

"How can you tell?"

"How can you _not_?"

Clicking through, another man came on the screen. Jane tilted her head to one side. His dark brown hair hung a little long over his brooding eyes. He was, by all definition, completely stunning.

"I want him," Jane said.

Maura leaned forward and scanned the information on the screen. "He looks good on paper, but he's not willing to meet anyone who may use his sample."

"Who said anything about using his sample?"

Maura raised an eyebrow. " _Oh_. You want to have sex with him."

"Don't you? Look at him!"

"He does look like your type," Maura said.

"I don't know about type, but he is hot."

"Tall, dark, handsome, brooding…that is every man you've dated since we've known each other."

Jane's cell phone buzzed on the table. She opened up the message on screen, scowled, and locked the phone again.

"Everything okay?"

"She keeps messaging me."

"She obviously likes you," Maura said. "Funnily enough, the only part of the list Silver Heyes doesn't fit into, is being male."

Jane glared at Maura. "The only bit that actually matters is being male."

Silver's dark brown hair and brooding eyes were the first thing Jane noticed when she sat across from her at BPD. She stared at her like her whole life was caught up in that very moment. It was intimidating.

"Just stop, Maura." She sighed. "Please stop."

"I'm sorry," Maura replied, wrapping her fingers around Jane's hand as she clicked on to the next candidate. "I don't mean to push. I just want."

Jane cut her off. "Me to be happy. I don't think Silver's the one."

"Is there _anyone_ you're interested in?"

"Him," Jane said, pointing at the screen. "He's perfect."

"I meant as a date."

"No." She shook her head. "Now look at our future child's biological father."

Maura ran her finger down the information. "Biomedical scientist. Red Sox fan. Fathered sixteen children through four couples and a single mother, in addition to three of his own children. He's obviously virile. Willing to meet prospective parents. Open to full genetic testing. He's a definite shortlist candidate."

Crunching down on a handful of popcorn, Jane folded her arms across her chest and sat back. "Just in time for the game."

"We need a shortlist, Jane."

"But I'm _bored_."

She slouched in her seat and emptied the contents of her beer bottle into her mouth. If she was going to be held prisoner there, she would certainly need more alcohol.

"This is our child we're discussing. Would you rather he or she be left with genetic abnormalities or a predisposition to serious mental health conditions because you couldn't spend a few extra minutes looking for the perfect biological parent?"

"Ten more minutes," Jane said, cracking open another beer.

x

By the end of the search, Jane and Maura had gathered five short list candidates and three maybes. They'd searched through dozens of sperm donor candidates, the majority of which they'd discounted for various reasons. Maura finished adding their final candidate to their short list when Jane bashed her phone against the coffee table.

"Leave me alone."

"You could always call her," Maura said. "Perhaps if you let her know how you feel."

"I've tried brushing her off but she isn't getting the hint. She wants to be 'friends'."

"Do you have a problem with that proposal?"

"I don't need anymore friends," Jane said. Maura clicked through to the next candidate, still curious as to what else was out there. After accidentally double clicking, Jane tapped Maura's wrist. "Go back, go back."

"Did I miss one?"

She clicked the back button and waited for the page to load. Staring back at them from the laptop screen was Frank Rizzoli Senior. Jane shook her head and closed her eyes. Maura watched her with derision.

"No. No. No. I do not need to know that he's on this list. I do not want to picture what he did to get on this list."

"I didn't realise your father had donated sperm," Maura said, scrolling through his profile. Regardless of Jane's obvious feelings on the matter, Maura didn't understand her issue. "He comes across as really personable. It says here that he has helped two couples to become parents."

Jane covered her mouth with both hands. "I think I just threw up in my mouth."

"He's done a wonderful thing," Maura said.

Two families had children because of him. The marvels of modern science meant that they didn't need to remain childless, or wait years for a potential adoption. The many advantages of current procedures were the one thing that gave Maura hope of one day becoming a mother. Despite Jane's desire to do things 'the old fashioned way'.

"I cannot think about my father doing that," Jane said, pinching the bridge of her nose. She stared at Maura. "Two families? I have siblings out there I don't know about?"

"They're not your siblings," Maura said, placing a hand on Jane's arm to comfort her. "Biologically, yes. In every other way, no."

"Can we cross the older guy off the list?" Jane asked. "I changed my mind. I don't want to have the kid of someone with loads of older kids out there."

Maura checked the box and deleted him from their list. Seeing Frank Rizzoli Senior on the sperm donation page only sought to remind her that she liked the idea of keeping the Rizzoli bloodline. The only problem with that was Jane.

"I still think we should consider one of your brothers."

Jane pouted. "I don't like the idea of you having a child with one of my brothers."

"I'm not having a child with one of your brothers, I'm having one with you."

"Using my brother's sperm."

"You've already vetoed that idea. Let's cut down the list by one more person and we can take a break."

The page loaded and a young man with blonde hair and piercing blue eyes stared back at them. Reading through his profile earlier, he appeared a pretty good match. He was intelligent, friendly; he came across as caring. Maura liked the look of him, but she still held onto the idea of a donor that was closer to Jane in genetic makeup. Three of their candidates had dark hair, two of which had Italian in their bloodline. Candidate #8263 didn't fit those markers at all.

"So, which sperm do we want?" Jane asked.

Maura pulled up the rest of the shortlist options. "We don't have to pick one of these. There are plenty more options."

"We're not running a marathon for children, Maura, we don't need to vet every single candidate with a fine tooth comb."

Analysing the photographs, Maura's eyes landed on the yellow spots on one man's eyelids. She looked closer, zoomed into the photograph, then point to it.

"That one, Candidate #7582, is out."

"Why? I thought we liked him?"

"He has xanthelasmata. Our child could be at a higher risk of heart disease."

"Three to go," Jane said. "Which one do we want?"

"I'd rather sleep on it."

"Which one do you want, Maura?"

The pressure to decide didn't sit well with her. She retreated slightly. She needed time to process. She needed time to review each candidate further, to analyse their photos and read between the lines of their profiles. Deciding on a father for their child was not a simple job to be completed quickly. If Jane had had her way they'd have picked the first person they saw, and now she'd seen the yellow spots on his eyelids, he was far from an ideal candidate. If Maura had had her way, they'd have filtered through every option on the website. Bearing in mind that Jane was less inclined to go for an Italian descendent, and they couldn't decide on hair colour, pinpointing specifics was proving difficult.

"I'd like to speak with all of them."

"After you pick," Jane said.

Maura frowned. "What is the purpose of choosing between them if we are going to speak to them all?"

"I need you to pick one," Jane said.

"Pick what?"

Jane pushed the laptop screen closed and turned to face her mother, stood in the doorway. "Nothing, Ma."

"We were trying to decide on a movie," Maura said.

"Exactly, a movie," Jane replied. "Except that now I have to go to work."

"I didn't hear your phone," Maura said, picking up her own and turning it on. "I didn't get a call. Why didn't I get a call?"

Jane stood up. She slipped her cell phone into her pocket and backed away. "I have some urgent paperwork that I forgot about."

"Why do I get the feeling you're leaving because of me?" Angela asked. "I only came in here to get some milk, I ran out and I haven't got time to go to the grocery store before my shift."

"I'll get you some milk on my way home," Jane said, walking toward her mother. She pressed her lips to her cheek and retreated toward the front door. Maura stood up and followed her.

"I'm not sure what work you have to do," Maura said, her voice low. "But you really should be kinder to your mother."

"She walked in on us without knocking."

"It's her _home_."

"The guest house is her home. The main house is not."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jane," Maura said, ushering her out of the house and closing the door.

x

"We need to talk," Jane said, dropping onto the couch in Maura's office and putting her feet up on the table.

"About?" Maura asked, her eyes still fixed on the report in front of her.

Jane scowled. "Our living arrangements."

Barely glancing up, Maura responded. "What about them?"

"My mother can't live in the guest house if we're going to be parents."

Maura stopped typing, her eyes fixed on Jane's over her laptop. "Why not? And please take your feet off my coffee table."

"She's a helicopter, Maura." Jane removed her feet and leaned her elbows on her knees. "She'll be there hovering all day, every day. I can't deal with that at the best of times. Do you know what she'll be like when she knows there's going to be another grandchild?"

"I don't see any alternative solution," Maura said, proceeding to type once more.

Oxygen filled her lungs, travelled around, and exited them again. Jane stared at Maura. Fire burned in the pit of her stomach. She needed to vent and Maura was putting blocks in front of her. Her attention was obviously split between working and their conversation. She stood up and walked across the room.

"This is serious," Jane said.

"I know, I need to." Jane pressed her hand down against the lid of the laptop and it closed suddenly. "I was in the middle of finishing a report."

"Your report can wait five minutes."

"A young boy died of septicaemia which caused acute respiratory distress syndrome and septic shock. His family need to be informed."

"What are we going to do about my mother?"

"Did you hear what I said, or did you choose to ignore it?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "I chose to ignore it."

Maura sighed and stood up. She moved around her desk and perched on the edge. "I hear what you're saying. Until we make any firm progress on our current situation, I see no reason why we should alarm your mother to the fact that something is going on. Now please, get back to work so that I can close a particularly distressing case."

"I'm sorry," Jane said, turning tail and marching out of the office.

x

The elevator doors opened. Maura marched across the corridor, her heels clicking against the tiled floor. She turned to a couple of officers she could feel watching her from the side lines and sent them her best glare. Sometimes she hated visiting Jane's office, not least because of the number of men who deemed it appropriate to stare.

"This is for you," Maura said, placing the file on Jane's desk and retreating once more.

"Wait," Jane said. Maura glanced over at the two young men, sniggering behind their hands. Their juvenile games were anything but funny. She turned back to Jane, whose eyes had already followed her eye line. She folded her arms across her chest. "Grow up, you've never seen a woman's legs before?"

They stopped laughing and disappeared down the corridor.

"Thank you," Maura said. "I wonder if I would provoke the same response if I was wearing my scrubs."

"Sure you would," Jane said. "You're smoking and they know it."

Maura raised an eyebrow, her lips curved at one side. "Smoking?"

"You know you're beautiful."

"Is that a compliment on my appearance from Jane Rizzoli?"

"Don't read too much into it." She picked up the file and opened it. "Are we any closer to selecting a candidate?"

Maura glanced around at the detectives working at their desks. Frankie and Korsak were out, and their nearest neighbours were too involved in a discussion to overhear.

"I have sent communication to all candidates to seek further information."

"There's a match?" Jane asked, picking up the DNA results from the file. "Now we have something to go off."

"I thought you'd be pleased." Maura perched on the corner of her desk. "The DNA evidence found on fibres at the crime scene directly match DNA found on the murder weapon. Hopefully you can find out who the killer is."

"All we have to do now is match it with our – as yet undiscovered – prime suspect, and we might be able to get a conviction."

"Are you any closer to finding your prime suspect?"

"Nah." Jane replaced the document and closed the file. "Wouldn't it be funny if we chose the one person on our shortlist who has murdered someone?"

Maura stood up straight, her lips pressed tightly together. "I'm not sure what's funny about that, Jane."

"Well, no, not that type of funny." Jane paused. "Maybe we should do a bit of research. I wonder if they would give us a DNA sample?"

"What kind of research?" Maura asked. The questions she sent were relatively thorough, though she hadn't asked for Jane's approval. There may have been things she was missing. Despite spending each and every day in a police station, she hadn't even considered asking if they had any criminal convictions. "I would like them to go through full genetics testing before we decide."

"Not genetics," Jane said. "Finger printing, put them through the system, see if anything crops up."

Maura's eyebrows pulled together. "You want to use police resources to do a background check on our potential candidates?"

"I know you think it's wrong to do background checks for personal reasons," Jane said.

"Ordinarily, yes."

"Doctor Maura Isles," Jane said, in mock disbelief. "I do believe you're a little rule breaker."

"Please," Maura said. "I am not above using the resources at my disposal. I simply see no valid reason to use them on potential or current partners, and I draw the line on using them on family. Our situation is entirely different."

"Entirely different," Jane repeated, smirking.

"It is."

"If you say so."

"It is," Maura said. She wouldn't accept Jane's suggestion if she didn't deem it morally acceptable, and she didn't much appreciate Jane's derision.

Jane tapped her nose. "I won't tell anyone."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Notes** **: Thank you for all of the lovely comments, such a mixed bag of opinions on Silver and the current baby situation. I hope you'll all continue to read and comment (because it's so much fun reading about what you think). There will be twists and turns along the way, and I know I can't always guarantee Jane/Maura endings, but I do love them together as much as everyone else.**

* * *

A droplet of sweat trickled down lightly tanned skin, glistening in the morning sunlight. Jane followed it down nicely toned abs until it disappeared into the waistband of Silver Heyes' running shorts. She lifted her gaze. Silver let her shirt drop back over her stomach, damp with sweat wiped from her neck.

"I was born in Connecticut," she said, lifting a knee up to a small wall and retying her shoe.

Jane's eyes lacked focus. She stared into the deep purple of Silver's sports bra, peering out above her shirt. They agreed to a brief rest, then they would continue running. Jane's heart raced, failing to slow during their much needed break.

 _No._

"Did you grow up there?" she asked. She swallowed. Her mouth was dry. The light coating of sweat cooled her skin.

The sun shone down upon them, already too hot for an average May morning. Jane reached for her water bottle and squirted it into her mouth, swallowing mouthful after mouthful until she felt relief. She closed her mouth and lifted the bottle higher. She pressed down on the plastic edges once more, pouring water across her face.

Silver tilted her head to one side, her lip tucked under her upper teeth. "We moved to Massachusetts when I was seven. I came to Boston for school."

 _Can't look._

She stretched her leg out in front of her, staring down at the grass. Her hands pressed against her knee. "BCU?"

"Yeah."

"Did you know Maura?"

"No. I mostly took humanities classes. I recognise her name from the alumni register. It's entirely possible that our paths have crossed. When did she graduate?"

"No idea," Jane said. "She just turned forty."

"She was probably already in medical school when I started as an undergrad."

Twirling her hair up from her shoulders and tying it behind her head, Silver motioned to the path in front of them. "Shall we?"

Jane's eyes trailed down the side of her neck, following a stray strand of hair that had escaped the prison of her hair tie. Silver set off running. Jane placed one foot down on the concrete, then another, keeping her stride momentarily behind Silver.

 _It wasn't right._

She hummed a Christmas tune; anything to push the unwanted thoughts from her brain. Over and over and over again. _Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open slay, o'er the fields we go, laughing all the way._

She longed for an icy blast of rainfall to break up the already burning heat. Summer had barely started.

"You grew up in Boston?"

Jane kept up her pace, gaining a little to meet Silver's stride. "Born and raised."

"Have you every thought about leaving?"

"Nah." She focused ahead. Her eyes fixed on the end of the footpath a few hundred yards in the distance.

"I guess your whole family's here."

"Race ya to the sidewalk," Jane shouted. "Loser buys the coffee."

She didn't want to answer anymore questions. She didn't want to see Silver at her side, or in front of her. She couldn't handle the unwelcomed, and downright inappropriate, thoughts going through her mind. She sped onward, forcing her body to work hard to push out everything but the thumping of her pulse in her ear.

Approaching the end of the footpath, Silver gained on her. Her feet pounded the pavement quicker than Jane. She tried to focus on the end goal, until Silver's hand hit the trash can by the sidewalk sooner.

"You win," Jane said, slowing to a walk. She didn't hesitate to make sure that Silver was following. "I've gotta get to work."

"Don't you want that coffee?"

She barely turned. "Raincheck?"

"Wait, Jane." Silver placed a hand on her shoulder. Her damp fingers hit her skin. A shiver travelled down her spine. She twisted round, a little too close. "Is everything okay?"

"Tired," she said.

The fingers on her skin didn't move. Jane glanced up into Silver's blue-grey eyes. She froze, trapped in a comfortable stare. She searched her mind for words that didn't form. The longer she stared, the harder it became to look away. Silver leaned in, her eyelids fluttered closed. Her breath tickled Jane's lips. She was so close she could almost taste her.

She closed her eyes and lowered her face. "I should go."

Opening her eyes again, disappointment flashed over Silver's face. Jane chided herself. It was not okay.

"If I come by the police department this week, can I get you a coffee?"

"I lost," Jane said. She nodded her head before she spoke again. Her body betrayed her. She silently cursed herself for building up Silver's hopes. A glint in her eyes shone brighter than she'd looked throughout their run. Jane had specifically chosen a neutral activity. She didn't anticipate just how lacking in neutrality it would be. Or how much it would physically affect her. She held a hand up and walking off down the sidewalk. "Laters."

x

"We almost kissed," Jane said, marching into Maura's office.

Maura cleared her throat and held a hand out to a middle-aged man wearing Calvin Klein sat on the couch. "Jane, this is Doctor Harper from the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner in Connecticut. He's here to discuss a case he's working on that bares striking similarities with one of our own."

She coughed to disguise the smirk spreading across her face as Jane waved her hand and marched right back out of the office again.

"Apologies, Doctor Harper," Maura said, seating herself opposite him. "Detective Rizzoli's personal life is neither important, nor appropriate, under the circumstances."

Finishing up her conversation, Maura saw Doctor Harper out of the building and returned to her office. She opened up her email account and clicked refresh. Her ears pricked up. A tapping sound came from her right. She turned to the door to the autopsy room. Jane peered at her over the edge of the doorframe, her finger tapped against the glass window again.

"Yes?" Maura asked, standing up to open the door.

"Is he gone?"

Maura raised her eyebrows. "This is why people knock when they enter an office…he's gone."

"Thank God for that," Jane said, entering the office and taking a seat on the other side of Maura's desk.

"Why were you in the autopsy room?"

"Where else could I go?"

"Back to your office."

"My office is full of people and I can't handle people right now," she said. "Did you hear what I said?"

"You almost kissed. I assume you mean you and Silver."

"Yes."

Maura took a seat beside her. "Did you want to?"

Jane narrowed her eyes. "We've been through this."

"I understand it must have been very nerve wracking for you," Maura said. "Sharing a first kiss with anybody can be awkward, but your first kiss with a woman."

Jane sighed. She covered her face with her hands, her elbow perched against her knee. "It's not the first time."

"Pardon?" Maura asked. "I didn't quite catch that."

"It's not my first rodeo."

"You and Silver went to the rodeo?"

Jane groaned. She sat upright. "No, Maura. It wouldn't have been the first time I've _kissed a woman_."

"You've…kissed a woman before?" She paused. After the initial shock, her lips curved at the edges. "Tell me everything. Does this mean you're more open to a relationship with Silver? How was it?"

"This is why I didn't want to tell you," Jane said.

" _Why_?"

"Because I knew you'd make a big deal about it. It's not a big deal. I was young, I was stupid. It doesn't matter."

"It obviously has some semblance of importance given what has been happening with Silver."

"Nothing is happening with Silver."

Maura folded her arms across her chest and waited. Jane was flustered. Her cheeks had taken on a decidedly bright shade of pink. Her revelation was not something Maura felt able to just brush aside, despite Jane's desire for her to do just that. The longer she waited, the more anxious Jane became. Her foot tapped the floor. Maura checked the clock, forcing herself to wait just a little while longer.

"I had a girlfriend when I was twenty," Jane said, clasping her hands together on her lap.

Opening her mouth to speak, Maura closed it again. She neatly placed her hands together on her knee and crossed her legs. The only thing Jane needed now was time. So she listened, and waited.

"Let's just say that Ma and Pop didn't approve."

"At all?" Maura leaned forward, and placed her hand over Jane's.

"Nah," she said, reclaiming her hand. She folded her arms tightly across her chest and slouched further in her seat. Her eyes were full of a vulnerability she rarely got to see. Maura leaned back. She knew enough about body language to know that Jane wasn't entirely comfortable.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She shrugged.

"I pushed you, I made jokes about you and Silver. They were ill timed and inappropriate. I can only say that I am sorry."

Jane pushed her shoulder against Maura's. "Thanks, Maur."

A silence fell between them. Maura could sense a tension that hadn't been there before. She wondered what else Jane might be hiding from her.

"Tell me about Doctor Harper," Jane said. "He's cute."

Maura rolled her eyes. "He's at least fifty-five."

"So?"

"He's deputy chief medical examiner in Connecticut."

"That matters because?"

"He's deputy. I'm chief. It will never work."

"Does it really matter if he's below you in the ranks?" Jane asked. "You're a beautiful, smart, funny woman and he looks like he's a catch. Did you spot a wedding band?"

"I wasn't looking that hard."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I thought you were good at picking up people to have sex with."

"I don't want to pick him up to have sex with," Maura said.

"Hey, maybe he can be our baby daddy."

"No."

"But he's got amazing cheekbones."

"So has the man we've chosen. Besides, you said it yourself, you didn't want our child to have a father who has had sex with me."

"You should still ask him out on a date."

Maura shook her head. She didn't want to date anybody right now. Her priority was only to herself. Maintaining her healthy lifestyle, cutting down on her intake of wine, and exercising regularly. If they were going to attempt to become pregnant in the next month or two, she needed to be at peak physical fitness.

"Maybe after we've had the baby."

x

The smell penetrated every inch of the apartment. Jane snapped on a pair of gloves, her booties already covered her shoes. She turned back to the corridor and breathed in a long, deep breath. Even that knocked her sick. She marched into the apartment.

"Alan McGee, forty-seven," Korsak said, holding a handkerchief over his nose and mouth. "He's been here for some time."

Maura knelt down beside the bed. She pulled and tugged at the decomposing body. The bright lights the forensics team brought lit up the dark apartment. She winced, but maintained her composure. Jane's chest ached. She didn't know how Maura could do it. She couldn't hold her breath any longer. Finally, she let out a gasp and breathed in the worst of it. She gagged and coughed, covering her mouth to assist in pulling herself back together.

"You losing your stomach Rizzoli?" Korsak asked.

"I'm fine," she whispered. It didn't help that it was four in the morning and she'd not eaten or drunk anything but water since ten the night before.

Maura stood up and drew back her gloves. "There's massive decomposition of the organs. His face is severely bloated. He's already reached fluidity. I'd estimate, from the level of decomposition, that this man has been here for at least a couple of months."

"Any next of kin?" Jane asked, breathing into her hand.

Korsak checked back through his notes. "The apartment's registered in his name. Records show his wife and daughter died eight years ago. No other family. He's been registered disabled for the last seven years after he suffered a breakdown. The neighbours who called it in haven't heard from him much recently."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I wonder why."

"They work from home, so they rarely go out. They just got back from a vacation in Cancun, said they hadn't noticed a smell before."

"How do you not notice this?" Jane asked.

"Actually," Maura said. "Olfactory fatigue, or odor fatigue, as it's also known, is quite common. The longer you're exposed to an odor, the more likely it is that you will become desensitised to it."

"How?" Jane asked. "I smell Frankie's stinking shoes every time he walks into the office."

"That's because your exposure to the odor is not consistent. On the occasion that you're sat together for several hours, eventually you would forget about it. This man's neighbours may have picked up on the odor early on, but it would have been lacking in potency. The stronger it became, the stronger their desensitisation. Taking a vacation gave them a long enough space between exposure that when they returned their nose had forgotten."

"What's your verdict, Doctor Google?"

Maura tossed her gloves into a biohazard sack. "I have a degree of certainty that this man died of natural causes. I'll take him back to the lab to do a full autopsy first thing."

"We're done?" Jane asked.

"We're done."

Jane turned tail and marched out of the apartment, tugging off her gloves and booties before she reached the door. She placed them into another biohazard sack and continued on down the corridor until she reached the exit. She stood on the sidewalk, breathing in slowly, filling her lungs with uncontaminated air. The moon shone high in the sky. There was barely a breeze in the air, the heat had dissipated somewhat.

x

"Your mother offered to cook dinner tonight," Maura said, carrying her bag out of the apartment building. "Would you like to join us?"

Jane rolled her eyes and set off walking. "Not really."

"Is this because of Silver?" Maura fell into step beside her. She hated asking questions, given how sensitive Jane was about the matter, but she also wanted to show an interest. When Jane was with Casey, they talked a lot.

Jane span around, her voice hushed. "No, it's not because of Silver."

The street was empty, excepting the officer guarding the apartment building. Given how warm it had been over the last few days, Maura enjoyed the stroll.

"Sometimes I just don't wanna spend time with my mother," Jane said.

"Have you spoken to her about what happened when you were in your twenties?"

"No."

"Would you consider it?"

Jane's shoulders dropped. "I don't want to talk about it, Maura. With her, with you, with anybody. What I do want to talk about is our living arrangements when the baby comes."

"What do you mean?"

"Are we gonna carry on living in separate houses?"

Maura pulled out her keys out of her bag. "Would you like to live in the same house?"

"I think it'd be nice for us both to be able to spend as much time with our kid as possible," she said. "If we're gonna bring a kid up together, we should do it together."

"Then let's do it together," Maura said.

"How soon should we ask Ma to find her own place?"

Maura stopped walking. A crease formed between her eyebrows. She enjoyed Angela's company. Inviting her to stay had been an impromptu decision a few years ago, but it had been one of the best decisions she had ever made. Living with Angela gave her a ticket to the Rizzoli family, and she loved every one of them like they were her own.

"When you said you want us to live together, you mean you want us to live together without your mother?"

"Exactly."

She didn't know how she felt about that. On the one hand, living with Jane, and Angela's future grandchild, she would still be involved in her pseudo-family. On the other, she would dearly miss Angela's company.

"You know, there are some advantages of having your mother continue to live in the guest house," Maura said.

Jane gritted her teeth. "Like her interfering with how we raise the kid."

"Jane."

"Don't Jane me," she said. "You didn't have to live with her for twenty-two years. I only got out because I met people at the academy who I could rent a place with."

"It's currently four in the morning. How do you propose we find someone to care for our child when we get called out to unexplained deaths at four in the morning?"

"Bring her with us?"

"Be serious, Jane."

"You're the Chief Medical Examiner," she said, stopping by the side of her car and taking her own keys from her jacket pocket. "Can't you make sure you don't have to work the same nights as me?"

"What about the cases where I'm requested?" Maura asked. "If it involves a person of importance, I cannot say no."

"We'll deal with those situations as and when they happen."

"I'd want to deal with them now," Maura said."

Jane rolled her eyes, her shoulders slouched. "At four in the morning?"

"You brought this up," Maura said. "Besides, I find my brain works best at four."

"Your place or mine?"

"Let's go to your place, then your mother won't disturb us when she comes in for her morning coffee."

x

They sat in silence for longer than Jane deemed necessary. Maura wanted to talk about how they would deal with their unsociable work hours, and yet hadn't said a word since they sat down. She cupped a mug of hot coffee between her hands, breathing in the hypnotic scent of her caffeine infused drink. Jane sunk down onto the couch.

"I think I loved her," Jane said, filling the silence with the first words to come to mind.

Maura turned and lifted a leg under her. "Who? Your ex-girlfriend?"

Jane nodded. She ran a hand through her hair and rested her elbow against the back of the couch. "I don't know. I never really got to find out. Everything happened so quickly."

"With your parents?"

"Anytime I felt anything like that afterwards, I pushed it down. I've been pushing it down for twenty years. I guess it didn't fit into the good Catholic lifestyle Ma and Pop saw for me."

"Angela's changed a lot, Jane," Maura said, running her hand up and down her shoulder. "I think she'd be more open to it now."

"It's too late."

"Do you have any feelings for Silver?"

Jane stared down at her coffee mug. She lifted it to her mouth, biding her time. She spoke into the coffee before she swallowed. "Yeah."

Tightening her grip around her arm, Jane felt comfort under Maura's touch. "Then maybe it's not too late."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author Notes** **: Wow. Thank you everyone for your responses. You all seem so passionate about the result of this story. I don't like to spoil what's going to happen next, but I don't want you to worry. This is the fluffiest story I've written in a long time and I'm enjoying it. But I can't make it too fluffy, or too easy for the characters, because it's not in my nature. The characters need to have their arcs, as does the story. I hope you'll be happy with how it all works out in the end. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **As an aside: I wrote the third part of this chapter in the office at work - not the best place to be writing such a scene. ;)**

 **(Also, please note [to those who did question it]** **I don't write for reviews** **(but every review is appreciated). I have been writing fanfiction in various guises for over sixteen years. I've been in the fanfiction game long enough to understand what gets reviews. Yet I continue to write angst, which is often not welcomed by many. I write for myself first and foremost, and I hope that what I write will be enjoyed by others too.)**

* * *

"What have you got for me?"

Holding up a metal container, Maura held it out to Jane. "Cirrhosis of the liver."

"Ew." She covered her nose with the back of her hand and backed away. "No, thanks."

"No." Maura placed the container back on the tray. "Daniel Polkowski died of cirrhosis of the liver. The blow to his head was likely caused by a fall. He had arthritic damage to his knees which probably resulted in him being unsteady on his feet. He was already suffering liver failure. Had he been found earlier he might have had a couple of days."

"Case closed," Jane said, brushing her hands together. "That everything?"

Maura stood upright, her shoulders back and her eyes fixed on Jane. They'd talked about it for weeks now. But facing the impending act of conceiving a child was a harsh reality check. The night before Maura had gone to open a bottle of wine, before remembering her decision to cut down until after the baby was born.

"I'm ovulating from tomorrow."

A tray full of tools Maura had used to extract the liver clattered to the ground. Jane held her hands up in the air and shrugged her shoulders.

"I hope that's not a sign you're changing your mind," Maura said, pursing her lips. She smirked.

Jane looked back sheepishly. "I didn't realise it'd happen so soon. We've only just signed the papers."

Maura walked across the autopsy room and helped Jane to retrieve the objects. Once they were back in their rightful position, Maura watched Jane. A crease had formed between her eyebrows.

"I have the sperm here, for when we're ready."

"Here?" Jane looked around.

"It's in the freezer," Maura said. "I requested that the clinic transfer the sample into my custody. I've been given full instructions on the thawing out process."

"Full custody?" Jane stared back. "It's not a child."

"The clinic would hold onto the sample until the insemination, or until we request it. I know we haven't decided when we want to inseminate. You might prefer to wait until next month."

"This month's fine," Jane said.

Maura closed the gap between them and ran her hand up and down Jane's arm. "You don't look like this month is fine."

"It is," Jane said, her relatively glazed expression was replaced by an almost forced smile.

"Jane."

"It's fucking scary, okay?"

Though she didn't wish to use the same words as Jane, she understood where she was coming from. She'd never been pregnant before, and despite understanding anatomy and having greater knowledge of pregnancy than the average adult female, becoming pregnant was not something she took lightly. Besides, the last time a baby was a possibility for either of them, Jane had miscarried.

"There's no guarantee that we'll get lucky with our first attempt," Maura said. "It may take a few months."

"So, this is like a practice?"

Maura raised an eyebrow. "I would compare it to married couples just having a lot of unprotected sex without trying to get pregnant. It might work out and I become pregnant, or just as likely, I don't and we have to try again next month."

"Let's give it a shot," Jane said, clapping her hands together. "What have we got to lose?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"Do we have everything we need? What else is there? Some sort of turkey baster?"

Maura pressed her lips together and smiled. "I have an unwrapped needless syringe. The turkey baster is not something people use for conception. It might have been that way a long time ago, but I can assure you, medical science has caught up with modern society."

"We thaw the bad boys, I put some of the sample in the syringe and shoot it up your vajayjay, gotcha."

"Would you like to have dinner tonight?" Maura asked. Knowing that Jane was going to be poking about down there was one thing, but she didn't much want that to be a focus for the next twenty-four or so hours.

"Can I drink beer?"

"Why wouldn't you be able to drink beer?"

"You're off the wine."

"I'm off the wine to increase our chances."

"So, I can drink beer? Even better."

x

"To us," Maura said, raising her glass of orange juice.

"To shooting sperm up your lady parts," Jane said, clinking her beer glass against Maura's.

Maura lifted her glass to her mouth and sipped. She watched Jane over it, as she did the same. Everything had happened so fast, and yet it felt like an age since Jane had suggested they have a child together.

"What's the celebration for?"

Jane rolled her eyes. Maura turned to Angela. She stood by the table carrying a couple of empty glasses from the next table over. Maura looked to Jane, who looked back. She was lost for words. Whilst they'd discussed the practicalities of conceiving, they hadn't once discussed when or how they would tell anyone about their plans.

"Celebrating life, Ma," Jane said, lifting her glass up to her mother.

Holding the empty glasses in front of her, Angela clinked them against Jane's. "You both look happy. I love seeing you so happy. What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on," Jane said.

"Maura, is something going on?" Angela asked.

Maura paused. There were a number of things going on. She was drinking orange juice, for one. Angela could be aloof at times, but she was also very observant. Then there was the fact they were planning when Jane would inseminate her. Finally, Silver was something else that was going on that Maura knew she couldn't say anything about.

She pressed her lips together and opened her mouth to answer.

"There's nothing going on, Ma," Jane said, interrupting them. "How about you leave us alone so we can have our drink in peace? I'm sure you and Maura have a chat over cocoa, or whatever it is you two drink late at night."

"Camomile tea," Angela said.

She wandered off back to the bar. Maura frowned. Jane had merely delayed the inevitable conversation she would have with Angela in which she would feel an inability to lie to her.

"You're welcome," Jane said.

"Can you stay over tonight?"

"Sure. Why?"

"Because telling your mother I will drink camomile tea with her tonight will make it harder for me to refrain from telling her about our plans."

"I'm sorry, Maur. At least you don't come out in hives every time you lie anymore," Jane said, reaching her hand across the table. She ran her fingers briefly over the back of Maura's hand, then wrapped it around her beer. "Hey, maybe we could send her on a spa retreat while we try to make a baby. Then she won't accidentally walk in while I'm doing something she will most likely consider unnatural."

"That's a great idea," Maura said. "I'll book somewhere tonight. Can you clear it with Vince so that she can take a couple of days off work?"

"I'll cover the shifts myself if it means having some privacy."

x

If someone had told Jane a year ago that she'd be attempting to impregnate her best friend with a needleless syringe, she'd have laughed in their face. She still didn't quite know why she'd suggested it. Facing Maura's lower half, undressed, and ready for the insemination, was not in her realm of comfortable.

"I'm ready," Maura said, placing her feet up and lying down. She rested a towel over the front of her body.

"I'm not," Jane replied, sitting back on her legs. Despite not being the one undressed, she felt exposed. Like Maura knew that her neatly tended to lady garden was miles ahead of Jane's, often abandoned, one.

She lifted up the sperm sample and swirled it around the container. It had thawed out nicely and there was nothing stopping them from doing this. Except Maura's vagina.

"It's staring at me."

"What is?" Maura lifted her head up and glanced at Jane.

"Your vajayjay."

"I don't know how you expect to do this if you can't even use the medical term for my vagina."

"Well, I'm sorry that this is so weird."

"You could always pretend that you're having sex with Silver."

Jane placed the container back on the table. "Why would I want to do that? We've been on one proper date; we've kissed once. It was nice, but we're mostly just friends."

"Oh, I didn't realise."

"You thought we'd had sex?"

"I didn't know."

"You could have just asked."

"I know how sensitive the whole situation is making you."

"I'm not sensitive, Maura. It's just not a big deal."

"Then discount what I just said." She leaned back down against the couch. "I'm ready, please can you do it quickly?"

"You know the instructions say everything has to be done slowly," Jane said, smirking.

"You know what I mean."

She picked up the container and unscrewed the lid, then screwed it back on again. "Should I try to put it in without the sample? To practice?"

"If you think it would help."

"Okay," Jane said, taking the syringe out of the packet and moving towards Maura's pelvis. "Are you tensed up?"

"A little."

"You need to relax."

"If you'd stop prodding me, then maybe I would feel more relaxed."

"I'm not prodding," she said, accidentally moving the syringe about. She removed it. "Much."

Maura took a long, deep breath then allowed it out slowly. Jane put the syringe back into the packet and reached for Maura's wrist. "It's okay."

"I'm fine," Maura said, though her eyes betrayed her words.

"You're nervous." Jane moved her thumb back and forth across Maura's arm. "I'm sorry if I'm making this harder."

"It's not your fault," Maura said, sitting up. She pulled the towel down over her body and sat on the couch. "I didn't realise how this would feel, being exposed."

"Would it help if we were in a clinic?"

"I don't think that it would. We're about to embark on a major life journey."

"You know how terrified I am," Jane said. She placed a hand on Maura's knee and stood up, sitting beside her on the couch. "We're trying to become parents. I don't think there's anything scarier."

Maura reached out to Jane's hand and cupped it between her own. "Jane."

"Yes, Maura."

"I'm so glad I'm doing this with you. The only other option was to go it alone, and I don't think I could have done that." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to Jane's cheek. "I'm glad that you're by my side."

"If you were anyone else, I wouldn't have even suggested it," Jane said. "Now what can I do to help you relax?"

"There is one method that has been suggested."

"And that is?"

"My reaching orgasm before insemination."

Jane's mouth dropped open, her eyes fixed on Maura's.

"Though I realise that might be pushing our relationship a little too far."

"You think?" Jane closed her mouth and sighed. "Why did you even say that, Maura?"

"I didn't ask you to do it. I merely suggested we consider the option of my orgasm assisting us with getting pregnant."

"Don't you think this is getting a little weird?"

"Yes, I do. But you're the one who insisted we use this method. Do you want to stop?"

"No. No. We'll keep going. But I'm not going to sit here and watch you ride the two finger cowboy."

"They suggest anything but penetration."

"That's beside the point."

"You don't have to do any of this."

"I said I'd do it, so I will."

"Perhaps you could give me some privacy, then when I'm nearly there you can come back in, soak my cervix in sperm, and then leave me to finish off."

"Finish off? No, Maura. I'm not going to interrupt you while you flick the bean. Who even thinks that's a good idea?"

"Well, it's not been peer reviewed, if that's what you're asking. But I have read case studies and it's a method a large number of people have tried."

"Before you get turned on by a syringe, how about I try again with the sample?"

"Okay."

Drawing the syringe back, Jane pushed the air out again. She unscrewed the lid on the sperm sample and placed the end of the syringe into it, swirling it around a little, she drew back the syringe once more and watched the sample disappear into the syringe.

"Are you ready?"

"I'm ready," Maura said, leaning back against the couch and propping her legs up. "Wait, did you tap out the air?"

Jane tapped the edge of the syringe. "Done."

"Okay, I'm ready."

Juggling the printed out document Maura had provided, and the syringe, Jane leaned back down between Maura's legs.

"Is that all right?"

"It feels okay," Maura said. "Remember to do it slowly."

"I know," Jane said, pushing down on the end of the syringe and watching the sample disappear. Once it was empty, she pulled it out again. "How do you feel?"

"I feel fine."

"But do you feel pregnant?"

"Why would I feel pregnant, Jane?" Maura asked. "It's too soon to expect any result."

"I know, I was just joking."

"Now isn't the time for jokes."

"I'm sorry," Jane said, placing a hand on Maura's shoulder. "What can I do while you wait for it to do what it needs to do?"

"I'm in the middle of an article on randomised trials of the introduction of allergenic foods in breast-fed infants. You could read it to me?"

"Allergenic foods? Breast-fed infants? You want me to read you baby stuff when we don't even know if this'll work?" Jane groaned. "Do I have to?"

"Well, no." Maura lifted a pillow from behind her and pressed it together, before placing it behind her back. "You don't. But you did ask."

"Fine," Jane said. "Where is it?"

"My tablet is on the table, it's the New England Journal of Medicine app."

She picked up the tablet and carried it back to the couch where she sat down beside Maura. She was attempting to carry their child, even if Jane couldn't pronounce half of the words in the article, reading it to Maura was the least she could do.

x

"What do we want?" Jane asked. "Chinese or Thai."

"Thai," Maura said, sitting on the couch. She rested her hands against her stomach.

In the three or so hours since they'd finally set the ball rolling, Maura felt numb. The lack of emotion bothered her more than Jane treating her like a china doll ready to break if she did or said the wrong thing.

"Thai it is."

"You can stop," Maura said. "You don't need to fuss. You can go home and watch baseball and drink beer."

"There aren't any games on tonight," Jane said. "I thought I'd stay again, since we have to do it all again tomorrow."

"You don't need to." Maura sighed. She'd expected to feel something more…significant by now. They were taking a massive step in the direction towards parenthood and she didn't feel a thing.

"I'll order the takeout; you can pick us a movie to watch."

x

Long after Maura went into her bedroom, Jane lay awake, watching the shadows move across the room as the occasional car travelled by the house. When she first suggested to Maura that they co-parent, it had been a fleeting idea that she didn't really consider fully. With more time and thought, she'd come to appreciate the idea for what it was.

She could finally be a mother.

A long time ago she'd given up hope of ever having children. Somewhere between joining the homicide division and meeting Hoyt, her dreams for a better world where murderers were put behind bars, had slowly dissipated. She still worked hard to make Boston a safer place to be, but she knew deep down how dangerous it was. For a long while she didn't think bringing a child into her world was a good idea.

Then she got pregnant and no amount of reminding herself of her previous intentions not to become a mother were going to stop her from having that child.

Losing it broke her spirit in ways even Hoyt couldn't match.

Faced with the prospect once more filled her with a giddiness. Her heart was bursting with hope, and desire for everything to work out. She had a good feeling, she just hoped it wouldn't break her again.

x

Maura lay on her back staring up at the bedroom ceiling. It had been twenty-four hours since she'd been inseminated. The sperm would likely be dead, or debilitated. All being well, enough of them would have made it through to make a baby. She felt weird. In that moment she could already be pregnant, but they would be unlikely to know for a couple of weeks.

"How you doing?" Jane asked, placing a mug of tea on the bedside cabinet and lying down beside Maura.

"I was wondering if it's worked."

"But we won't know for a while," Jane said, placing her elbow down on the pillow and resting her had against her balled up fist.

"No," Maura said, turning her head to look at Jane. "But if it's happened, it'll probably have happened by now. There's a chance it could happen in the next couple of days, but the sperm will have lost potency."

Cold fingers reached across her stomach. Maura glanced down as Jane pushed her shirt aside and ran her hand across her skin. She focused her attention on Jane's eyes, enjoyed the pride spread across her face. She wondered if that'd be what they'd both look like if it was a success.

"I hope there's something going on in there," Jane said, sitting up and leaning over Maura's stomach. "You'd better be strong swimmers, if you haven't found your other half yet, swim faster."

Maura smiled. She reached out and gripped Jane's hand. She sat upright, holding onto Jane's fingers. They were doing this together, and it really felt like they'd made a commitment at every stage. She could have gone to a clinic, and have Jane support her when the baby arrived. This was different. Jane was doing everything that felt right for Maura. She retrieved her hand and swiped the back of it across her cheek. She sniffed, in an attempt to force back the impending tears.

"Are you crying?" Jane asked.

She shook her head. More tears forced their way down her cheeks. She nodded. "I'm happy. It may not work and I'll be disappointed. But in nine months we could be parents."

"Me, a mother," Jane said, scoffing.

Maura leaned forward and pulled both of Jane's hands into her lap, tied up in her own. "No, don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Don't put yourself down," Maura said. "I've seen how you are with children. You were amazing when TJ was born. We may not see eye to eye on whether our child should go to public or private school, and we may disagree on what constitutes contact sports. But one thing I know to be true is that you will love this baby with all of your big heart."

"Aww shucks," Jane said, brushing her cheeks. "Now you're gonna make me cry."

"It means the world to me that you want to do this with me," Maura said, leaning forward and wrapping her arms tightly around Jane's shoulders.

A moment later, Jane lifted her arms around Maura's back. She relaxed in her embrace. Comfortable, at home. They may not be in a relationship, but if a baby had been conceived, it was conceived surrounded by love and that made Maura happier than she could put into words.

"I love you, Jane," she said, sitting back. She cupped Jane's cheek with one hand and trailed her fingers down her face.

"I love you too," Jane said, their fingers still interlocked between them.

* * *

 **Author Notes : Thanks for reading. Your continued support of this story means a lot. Comments welcome, but so are cookies.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author Notes** **: I'm back! Finally! I had two weeks off the grid (one with hardly any internet, and I got sick) and because of that I had the inevitable delay in getting back into writing. Still not sure I'm entirely back into motivation, but I'm trying to get back there. Hopefully the gap between updates won't be too big. All I know is in July I'm going to work on a different fic and try and get a first draft of the story completed - I'm going to work that one differently. I'm going to hone it until I'm happy with as much of it as possible. But for now I need to continue my other fics and get as much of those done this month as possible...**

* * *

Soft curls the colour of straw hung down around his temple, piercing blue eyes stared deeply into Maura's. She felt the tugging at the corner of her lips, and submitted to the smile that crept across her face. He slid his hand over the table and cupped Maura's fingers, gripping them tightly. She squeezed back.

"I'm so glad you agreed to dinner," he said, lifting a glass of wine to his mouth.

He paused, the glass rested against his bottom lip, his mouth opened to show off a perfect set of white teeth, before he tipped his head back. He lowered his glass again. His tongue ran across his bottom lip, as he continued to stare into her eyes.

"You have asked me a few times," Maura said. "I thought I should give you a chance."

"You made the right decision."

"Modest too," she said, smiling.

A soft chuckle filled the air. Unfamiliar to her ears. "We've spent a lot of time together. We run in the same social circles. It's about time we made our contact more…official."

"Official?"

"You know what I mean." He paused. "We're cut from the same cloth. My charitable fund is grateful for every donation, but no more so than yours. You're by far our most generous donor."

"So, I've bought your affections?"

"Something like that." He squeezed her hand tighter. "There's something about you that intrigues me; that I don't think I could ever find out at charity balls or official luncheons."

"It is refreshing to see you outside of the usual circles," she said.

"What better way to get to know someone than via fine dining and an expensive bottle of chardonnay? I was very surprised you turned down a glass, considering the vintage."

Maura lowered her gaze. She couldn't take the risk. She wouldn't. Having a child had become too important to her. Despite her need to become a mother, for the briefest moment, she hoped it wouldn't work. To deny the attraction with Chad would be good for nobody. She reclaimed her breath, taking it in slowly, before allowing it out at an even pace. She'd known Chad for a long time. She'd denied his request for a date on countless occasions. Sitting in front of him, discussing life in a way they'd never done before, she didn't really know why.

"You've always liked a good bottle," she said, looking back into his captivating gaze.

"I live hard. I play hard. I love hard."

"Love?"

"Don't worry," he said, chuckling. "I'm not about profess my undying love for you. Though you're certainly someone I am very fond of."

"I never did ask you what happened to Mariana?"

He stared down at his glass, then looked back up at her. "She broke my heart. She left me."

"Why?" Maura paused. "I'm sorry. That's none of my business."

He smiled. "It's okay. She wanted children, our own children, and I can't give her them. A bout of cancer in my teenage years saw to that."

"Oh."

An unexpected disappointment filled her. It didn't make any sense. She was already in the throes of trying to get pregnant. It shouldn't matter that the man she'd gone on a date with couldn't have children. But she still felt it.

Somewhere in the back of her mind nothing made sense anymore. She'd become caught up in a whirlwind of excitement, of fear, of hope, and desire for something she'd almost lost hope for. Having a child had become the one thing she thought about each and every day. But now everything was confusing. Chad was a wonderful man, and if she'd allowed herself a little more time, maybe she could have the life she wanted.

Only now she could be pregnant.

Where did that leave the possible relationship with a kind hearted man? Where did that leave her friendship with Jane? Where did that leave everything?

Of course, she might not be pregnant.

But then what? Did she back out of their agreement for a man who couldn't give her what she wanted? Or could they find another way of having the family she longed for? What if she spent the next few years hoping for a family with Chad only to be left in the exact same position as now but older and even less able to conceive naturally?

Then there was Silver. Jane was making strides in her own life. Maybe they were drifting too far away from each other, away from the decision that they'd made.

Maura let out a breath, unaware of how long she'd held it in for. She retrieved her hand from Chad and reached for her glass of non-alcoholic wine.

"There's a possibility that I may be pregnant."

A crease formed between his eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"

"I have attempted to become pregnant, using sperm donation. I am planning to co-parent with a friend. I am awaiting a suitable opportunity to do a test. I could be pregnant. There's also the possibility that I'm not, but I thought you should be aware."

He leaned back in his seat, a little taller, his eyes narrowed in her direction. "Why did you accept my invitation to dinner?"

"You've asked me so many times," she said. "I didn't realise how much I crave the company of a partner. At the Craft Family Foundation luncheon last week, I saw you differently."

"But you're trying to have a family."

"I know."

He tossed his napkin onto his plate and stood up. "I think this date is over."

"Chad." She stood up beside him. "Please don't go."

"I don't know what you were hoping to achieve tonight, Maura," he said. "But I can assure you, I do not want any part in your arrangement."

x

The door opened. Maura waited for a moment, her eyes fixed on Jane's. She glanced down at the football jersey that covered her upper body, stopping mid-thigh; bare skin exposed. A small crease formed between her eyebrows. Jane's eyes bugged.

"Maura, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you," she said. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

"Come in," Jane said, stepping to one side. "I'll go get dressed."

Maura stepped into the apartment. She hovered in the doorway as Jane headed for the bedroom. Before she reached the door, Silver exited the room wearing little more than her panties. She squealed and jumped back into the bedroom. Jane mouthed an apology and followed her.

Sitting down on the couch, Maura felt tears prick at her eyelids. She didn't know why she felt so fragile. She should have been happy that Jane had taken a step further in her new relationship. Deep down she was happy, but on the surface she wanted to run out of the door and never look back.

"I'm so sorry about that," Silver said, exiting the bedroom fully clothed a few minutes later.

Maura forged a smile. "It's fine."

"I didn't realise there was anyone at the door."

"It's fine," Maura repeated, a strain evident in her voice.

"I was about to go anyway."

"You don't have to leave on my account."

"Really, it's okay," Silver said, picking up her bag.

"Sorry, Maura," Jane said, exiting the bedroom in a pair of sweatpants and the jersey. She wrapped an arm around Silver's shoulder and closed the gap, pressing her lips to Silver's. "I'll see you tomorrow."

In the distraction, Maura pressed her fingers to the edge of her eyelids and brushed a couple of impending tears aside. Once the apartment door had closed behind Silver, she sat upright, forging another smile.

"What's going on?" Jane asked. "I thought you were on a date."

"I was."

"How was it?"

"It was fine," she said. "Until I told him I could be pregnant."

"Why did you tell him that?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

Jane shrugged. "We don't know anything for sure."

"Does Silver know?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"I just thought you might have told her."

"Well, I haven't. There's nothing to tell."

"But you've slept together."

"Once…well, three times, but all in the same night."

Maura cleared her throat. She felt uncomfortable. Honesty had always been important to her, and though she knew it wasn't really her place to lecture Jane on being honest with Silver, it still bothered her.

"You didn't come over here to ask me how much Silver knows," Jane said.

"No, I didn't."

"So, what's going on?" Jane asked, perching on the arm of the couch.

What's going on? Maura didn't have an answer to that. She felt emotional, and angry, and disappointed, and frustrated and she didn't really know why. She hoped the only explanation she could think of was accurate, but she didn't dare to put too much onus on the possibility that she could be pregnant. There was an equally high chance that she was entering the start of her menstrual cycle.

"Do you want to be with Silver? As in, for the rest of your life."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I don't know, Maura. We're barely together. I don't know if I want to be with her for the next few months, let alone the rest of my life. Why?"

"No reason."

"Err, yeah. There is a reason, or else you wouldn't be asking it."

"Tonight I thought I met a man who I could have a future with."

"On a first date?"

"I've known Chad for several years. He's very charming, and generous, and I have refused his invitations on multiple occasions. Had he been open to our arrangement, maybe it could have worked out."

"You might not be pregnant," Jane said. "You could still have that future with him, if you wanted it."

"I don't know if that's possible."

Jane placed her hand on Maura's thigh and leaned over. "You look sad, Maura. What's wrong?"

The physical contact, and Jane staring into her eyes, made Maura crack. Tears skirted the edge of her eyes and trailed down across her cheekbones. She brushed them away, her hands shaking over her face. Jane slid her arm around Maura's shoulders and pulled her close against her. She pressed her face against her shoulder.

After a moment, Maura pulled away, Jane's arm still draped across her back. "What if we've made a terrible mistake? What if I'm pregnant and we both want a future with other people? What if we jumped too quickly?"

"Maura," Jane said, her shoulders sunk. She moved her other hand to her upper arm. "Whatever happens, I don't think we've made a mistake. Even if me and Silver get married and want kids of our own, so what? That doesn't change the fact I will love our baby, or that I'll love you for bringing them into the world."

"We were supposed to live together, we were supposed to create a life for our child."

"We can still do that."

"You, me, and Silver?"

"Or you, your husband, and me."

"But our arrangement."

"Fuck our arrangement, Maura," Jane said. "Our kid will be loved. Our kid will have everything he or she needs. We don't even need to live together to give them that. They won't know any different. If we both find a partner, does it matter? Plenty of families share custody. It's not like we're divorced parents, we can spend Christmas and Thanksgiving together. We can make it work."

"Do you think so?"

"I do." Jane wrapped her hands around Maura's and held it tightly on her lap. She smiled and leaned closer, resting her forehead to Maura's. "I know we can. We can do anything because we want this badly enough. Our kid is going to have a good life, wherever we live, whatever custody arrangement we end up with. They're not going to lose out if we meet someone. If anything, they get extra parents, which makes them lucky."

"I'm sorry," Maura whispered. "I think my date with Chad threw me a wide ball."

"Curve ball."

"Curve ball?"

"Baseball, Maur."

"Oh." She brushed the remaining tear strands from her cheeks. "I think we need to take a test. It's time."

x

Jane tapped her foot against the tiled flooring. The edge of the bathtub dug into her thighs where she sat atop it. She didn't want to move yet. Her fingers ached from gripping the bath so tightly. Her mind buzzed with possibility and fear. They had three tests. But they both knew that the first would likely give them the answer they were looking for.

"How long now?" Jane asked, tapping her foot faster against the floor.

Maura folded her arms across her chest and turned back toward Jane. She lifted her wrist up. "Thirty seconds."

"Can't you check now?"

"Twenty seconds," Maura said.

"Seriously," Jane stood up and reached for the test, but Maura snatched it away and held it behind her back until the seconds passed by.

"I don't want to leave anything to chance. They say it needs to be three minutes, we wait three minutes."

A moment later, she held the test out in front of her. Jane watched her eyes for any sign of emotion. The blank canvas in front of her troubled her. She'd expected tears, whether they were of sadness or joy. But no emotion at all?

Jane stood up. "What is it?"

Pushing the test into Jane's hand, Maura walked out of the bathroom. She stood for a moment, her hand wrapped around the stick, holding it against her chest. She closed her eyes. She didn't need to look to know that the test would be negative. They could try again, but they both knew that it was probably accurate.

She looked at the test, just to be sure. Her shoulders sunk. Jane placed it back down on the counter and headed out of the bathroom. On her way down the hallway, the front door of the house closed. She stopped, closed her eyes, and tried to find an even, steady breath.

Disappointment filled her up right to the very top. Not just that there was no baby, but that Maura had walked out of the house without saying a word. She leaned back against the wall for a moment. Deep down she was glad that Maura had gone. She didn't think she could handle her own feelings, and Maura's on top of it. She pushed her balled up fists against her eyes, pushing back the desire to cry as she put pressure on her face. She would not let this get to her, she would not let it defeat her.

They knew it probably wouldn't work the first time anyway. She shouldn't be disappointed when they knew this would be the likely outcome. It didn't mean it was over, far from it. They had plenty of time to try again, to try several times. They didn't need to let this get them down.

But even though, logically, she knew this to be true. It still hurt to know that they were not expecting a baby.

x

Case file in hand, Jane entered Maura's office. The events of the morning were still fresh in mind. Jane didn't quite know the best way to deal with the inevitable frustration that Maura was probably feeling. Instead, she opted to take her lead. She placed the case file on the desk.

"We need to know what's happening with O'Brien's body. Is it ours or are the FBI gonna take it?"

Silence. Maura stared at her laptop screen. Narrowing her eyes, Jane perched on the edge of one of the chairs opposite Maura's desk.

"Do we need to hand the case notes over too, or can we continue to investigate?"

Still nothing.

"Maybe we can peel a bunch of bananas and shove them into the body bag so that when the ME at the FBI comes to open up the body they have to clean off old, rotting fruit before they can start."

The way Maura continued to stare at the screen only sought to worry Jane further. She stood up.

"Come on, Maura," she shouted, banging her fist down on the desk in front of her.

Maura jumped, her head shot up to Jane. "Oh, hi, Jane."

"Did you really not have any idea that I was sitting here talking to you? I know this morning sucked, but you don't zone out. That's my job. What's going on?"

She shook her head and shrugged.

"What was that?" Jane asked, carefully watching the slightest twitch in Maura's expression.

"What was what?" She forged a smile.

Jane sighed. "That shrug thing you've got going on. That's not you. You're a talker. You talk. So start talking. I know it sucks that you're not pregnant, but we can try again."

Maura clasped her hands together and sat back in her desk chair. "I know we can try again."

"Don't look so enthusiastic."

Maura lowered her gaze. "I just don't know if I want to try again."

"Oh." Jane stared at her. After everything they'd been through in the last few weeks, trying to put everything into place to make this happen. She couldn't understand where any of this was coming from. Maura knew more than anyone that this was not going to work quickly and easily. "Why not? You want a kid, I want a kid. If you were pregnant, we wouldn't be discussing this. You'd want the kid."

"If I was pregnant, the situation would be different." She closed her eyes and stared down at her hands, still clasped across her empty womb.

"Why?"

"Please, Jane." Maura's lips curved unnaturally, her eyes lacked the sparkled Jane had seen for the last few weeks. Her eyes drooped, dark circles wrapped around them. "I'm tired, and it is not a good time to be pushing me on this."

"Why not?"

"Jane." She closed her eyes again and rubbed at her temples. Then she opened her mouth and let out a breath, followed by another one. Jane watches her movement, the slow methodical action of each and every deeply sought breath.

"You're acting weird."

"I'm acting the way I usually act," Maura said, opening one eye before closing it again.

"No, you're not. You're acting weird. Spill."

Maura sighed. The slightest roll of her eyes followed the gritting of her teeth. "I have a very busy morning, please can you leave me to do my job?"

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That look."

"There is no look. I look the same as I usually look."

"Maura!"

"Yes?"

"Stop it."

"I don't know what you want me to stop, I do not understand what you're implying."

"You're behaving strangely." Jane couldn't quite put her finger on it but Maura was not acting like herself. At least not like the happy, cheerful, and slightly downtrodden Maura of recent weeks. "You're not behaving how you usually behave. I would have said it must be because of the baby thing, but you're acting weirder than that."

"Weird in which way?"

"Stop asking questions."

"I'm sorry." Her voice strained in a way Jane had never heard before. It hit her right in the middle of her heart. Maura's expression tightened, her face became even more sullen. "I don't know what you want from me."

"I want to know why you look like someone died."

"Because someone has died."

Taken aback, Jane stared silently for a moment. Her voice finally came out small, weak. "Who?"

"Hope."

She sat up straight. "What?"

"Hope died."

* * *

 **Author Notes : I know that final moment is throwing something big and potentially angsty into this, but I have a plan, so please don't worry. This story is not going down the complete angst route. I'm building all the angst up for my July fic. ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author Notes : I know this story may seem like there's still angst but I am *trying* to make it less angsty, besides, if you knew what I was working on in July, in comparison, this story is tame. It just takes time, everything takes time to write and I can't do it any faster or I won't be honouring the characters. Some of what you've mentioned, it's just about getting there.**

 **But I got another chapter up already, so, yay!**

* * *

"Your biological mother Hope, or feeling hopeful?"

"Hope Martin. My biological mother. I received a phone call from Cailin this morning. She collapsed. They initially thought it was caused by malaria, she'd just returned from a trip to Malawi. But she didn't come round, she suffered a brain haemorrhage. It was very quick."

"Shit, Maura." Jean leaned forward across the desk, her hand outstretched.

Maura stared down at the fingers in front of her. Fingers she'd held on multiple occasions, fingers that had wrapped around her hand or rested on her back. Fingers that provided her with comfort in her darkest times. Though they didn't belong to her, they may as well have done, they were merely an extension of herself. Jane felt like an extension of herself.

For the first time they seemed alien. She longed for the comfort only Jane could bring and yet wanted to retreat into herself. Something wasn't right.

"Are you okay?" she asked, then shook her head. "Of course you're not okay. She was your mother."

"I am okay," Maura said, frowning. She felt well within herself, she felt stable and able to cope. She didn't feel like she was about to fall apart. Falling apart wasn't the issue. Except it was an issue of its own. She shouldn't be okay. She should be falling apart.

"I'm so sorry." Jane pushed her hand further across the table until she'd wrapped her fingers around Maura's.

She tugged her hand away and slid her chair backward, out of reach. "Don't be."

The sadness in Jane's eyes was replaced by the creasing of her brow. Maura stood up. She ran her hands down the front of her dress and hovered behind her desk. She didn't want to walk out of the room, again. But she wasn't sure she wanted to say anything more on the matter, either.

"You say you're okay, but you don't look okay."

"I'm…" Her voice drifted off. The words wouldn't form. No matter how hard she tried to find something to say, words were lost in her brain. "I'm okay."

"Maura."

"Jane." She rested her hands on the back of her desk chair.

"Don't be like that."

"Like what?" Maura stood upright again. "Please, Jane, tell me how I should be behaving. Enlighten me with your knowledge on how I should be feeling right now. How should I deal with the fact that my life is not the life I hoped it would be? How should I cope with the fact my biological mother has died and I feel like it's simply a normal day? How should I handle the disappointment that I am not going to become a mother in nine months' time? Please, tell me, because I have absolutely no idea what I am feeling right now and I don't need you pushing me to feel something."

The crease between Jane's eyebrows deepened. She slunk back into her seat. Maura could see the disappointment in her eyes and it seeped into her heart. She hated the direction their conversation had taken. She didn't want to argue with her best friend, she didn't want to push her away.

"I guess I'll go then," Jane said, standing up and heading for the door. She paused, her hand on the doorframe. She turned around. "I'm here, Maura. If you need me."

She forged a smile and nodded. "Thank you."

x

Slouching onto a bar stool, Jane leaned against the bar and watched as Angela served burger and fries to a couple of uniformed officers. Her stomach groaned. She ran a hand across it and rested her head in her hands.

"What's wrong?" Angela asked, running a cloth across the bar in front of her.

"Why does anything have to be wrong?"

"I'm your mother, I know your something's wrong face. Now spill before I have to beat it out of you."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Did you forget I'm both taller and stronger than you, Ma?"

"Doesn't mean I can't whip your ass with this cloth."

"Hope died."

Angela dropped the cloth on the bar. "Maura's mother?"

"She's acting weird. She won't talk to me. I don't know what to do."

"Jane," Angela said. "Maura's mother just died, of course she doesn't wanna talk. You need to give her time."

"But I'm worried about her."

"That's fine, but it doesn't mean you need to breathe down her neck until she tells you how she's feeling."

"Then wha' do I do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all?" Jane groaned. "How can I do nothing? I can't watch her like that and not do anything."

"Maybe she doesn't need you to fix this for her, Janie," Angela said, placing a hand over Jane's. "Maybe she just needs you to back off until she's ready to deal with this. You know Maura better than any of us, you know the situation with her parents is complicated."

"It's not like Maura to not talk."

"I know. But this is different. It's Hope. She's only just come into her life, and now she's already gone. I can't even begin to understand what that must be like for her."

"Me neither," Jane said. "This sucks."

"Would you like a beer?"

"No." She shook her head. "I need to keep a clear head, in case she wants to talk."

Angela moved away from the edge of the bar and filled a glass with ice, before emptying the contents of a bottle into it. She pushed it across to Jane. "Have a root beer."

"Thanks, Ma."

She sat in silence, consciously aware of everything that Angela did around her. She nursed her root beer and wallowed in the self-pity that sat right at home in the pit of her stomach. When her phone buzzed, she retrieved it from her pocket. The corners of her lips tugged upward as she read a message from Silver.

'I hope you're having a good day, babe. Don't let anything stop that beautiful smile of yours. Can't wait to see you again.'

"What's going on?" Angela asked, resting her elbows on the bar and leaning closer to Jane.

"Jeez, Ma," Jane said, jumping backward. "Don't get so damn close without some warning."

"You look happy."

"So?"

"So, you came in here looking like a baboon's ass. Now you're grinning like the Cheshire cat. I wanna know what's got my baby so happy."

"Nothing."

"Nothing doesn't make you smile like that." Angela reached out to her phone, but she snatched it back. "Come on, show me."

"There's nothing to show."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"I think you're lying."

"I'm not lying. I do not have a boyfriend."

"But there is somebody special?"

Jane gritted her teeth. Averting the boyfriend question was simple, Angela's changing tack was making it a little harder to lie to her. She searched her brain for some way of explaining her situation without putting seeds of possibility into her mother's hands.

"There's someone, but I don't know if they're special."

"I knew it!" Angela clasped her hands together. "How long has it been going on for? Will you finally be giving me a grandchild?"

"No, Ma." Jane narrowed her eyes. "You are not turning my very brief relationship into something it isn't. We're not talking about kids. Not now. Maybe not ever. If I ever get to the point where I'm gonna have a baby, then I'll tell you. But until that happens, don't take an innocent not-even-relationship and turn it into marriage and kids."

"I'm just excited for you, Janie." She grasped her hands. "You've had such rotten luck with partners. I just want you to be happy."

"I am," she said, fighting against the smile that forced its way across her face. She lifted her eyes up to her mother. Her happiness at Jane's glee was unreserved. Something filled her up with the possibility that maybe, just maybe, her mother wouldn't mind that she was dating a woman.

"Will you at least tell me his name?"

"I…" Jane cleared her throat. A wave of emotions, both good and bad, travelled through her. Her fingers shook a little under her mother's touch. It was like a chill had travelled along her skin, bringing up goose pimples across every surface. She wanted to say it, yet she didn't. She longed to be honest, and feared the consequence. Pushing through it, she opened her mouth and let the first words that came to her fall from them. "Her name is Silver."

Angela's eyes bugged, narrowed, then softened again. Her smile never faltered. She tilted her head to one side and lifted her hands to Jane's cheeks.

"It's about time."

The breath she'd been holding slipped out, relief settled where she'd held tension before. She felt a couple of tears gather on the edge of her eyelids. She cleared her throat. "That's all you have to say?"

"What else is there to say?"

"The last time I told you I was dating a woman, you told me to end it immediately. You were anything but supportive."

"Oh Janie." Angela shook her head, lowering her gaze. "No. I didn't mean for it to come across that way."

"Well, yeah, it did. It wasn't acceptable to you. Why are you being so nice about it now?"

"The world's a different place." She stared up into her eyes, holding them there, challenging Jane to not back down. "I was scared that you were making a horrible mistake. Not because I didn't love you for who you are, not because you shouldn't be happy with who you are. I should have told you I was proud of you."

"Then why didn't you?"

"The world didn't understand then, not the way it does now. I was scared. I didn't want you to be gay in a world where people hated gay people. I didn't want you to suffer."

"I don't understand."

"I wanted to let you be who you are so badly. The day you came to me and said you were in a relationship with a woman, I wanted to hug you tightly and tell you how much I love you."

"But you didn't. It didn't matter what the world thought, it mattered what you thought and you made me feel like I couldn't be me."

"I'm sorry." Angela lowered her gaze again. "That was never my intention. Is that why you've not been with another woman since?"

"Ma, I hated myself for years because of that. I pushed down everything that felt right for me and I let myself be with people I didn't want to be with."

"A couple of years after you were with that girl, that kid got murdered because he was gay. I didn't want that for you. I was too scared of what would happen if you were openly gay in that world. I didn't want you to end up dead, too."

"I couldn't be myself, Ma, I couldn't be me. Isn't that more important?"

"Of course it's more important. I made a mistake." Angela wiped at her cheek, tears glistened against her skin. "I've regretted that moment every day since it happened. But I will never regret trying to protect you from people who wouldn't like you being gay…If you're gay. Maybe you like men too."

Jane shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't let myself find out."

"That's okay. You don't need to know. You just love who you want to love."

"I don't love Silver."

"But you like her."

"Yeah."

The smile fought its way back onto her face. She couldn't hate her mother for what happened, not anymore, not knowing why. She reached a hand out and gripped her hand.

"I really like her."

"Then you go for it, Janie," Angela said. "You be happy. God knows you've been through enough, you deserve to be happy and if that's with Sugar."

"Silver."

"Silver. Then I'm happy for you. If you were twenty now, it would've been different because I would have known that you would be okay. It's a different world. Now I'm not scared of you living that way. Now I know you can be happy, I don't need to protect you."

"Thank you, Ma." Before she could reach out and wrap her arms around Angela's shoulders, Jane's phone buzzed against the counter. She lifted it to her ear. "Rizzoli."

Hanging up the phone, Jane downed the rest of her drink and stood up. She looked into Angela's eyes and saw a different sort of warmth she'd not seen before. She saw a look of relief settled right there in the windows to her soul.

"I have a case."

"Try not to worry too much about Maura," Angela said. "She needs time. Work with her, don't push her."

"I know. I'm trying."

"You're not alone in looking out for her, I'll do what I can."

"Thanks, Ma," Jane said leaning over and kissing her briefly on the cheek. She turned tail and headed for the door.

"Wait, Janie," Angela said, walking out from behind the bar and over to the doorway. Jane paused and turned back around, straight into Angela's arms. She wrapped her hands tightly around her back and gave her a good squeeze. Jane lowered her arms around her and held her equally tight. Then Angela pulled back and lifted her hands to Jane's cheeks, cupping them in her hands. "I love you more each day. You make me so proud to be your mother."

She rested a hand over the back of Angela's and tilted her head against it. With a final smile, she pulled away and waved her arm, heading through the door. "I'll see you later."

x

Though it made little sense to anyone else, death was the perfect medicine in light of Maura's loss. Her head was filled with too many emotions, and kneeling in front of the victim, breathing in the metallic scent of fresh blood, calmed her fractured mind. She snapped on a pair of gloves and began the process of analysing the situation.

"Given the amount of blood and the location of the stab wound, it's likely that it hit the heart. He had no chance of survival the moment the knife pierced the organ."

"When you're done with the vic, can you take a look at his wife?" Korsak asked.

"I thought she was on her way to BPD? You said that she was found stood over the body holding the knife?"

"That is what happened," he said. "She's not talking. There's bruises around her neck. A neighbour thinks she was being abused by the victim. I know it's difficult, but why didn't she report it?"

"Ah." Maura placed her hands on the floor around the edge of the pool of blood, and stood up. "Less than half of domestic violence incidents are reported to the police. Almost one third of female homicide victims are killed by their partner. When you consider that fact, and the bruises on her neck, is it any wonder this has resulted in her committing murder?"

"You really think it's murder?"

"No. I think it's a victim of domestic abuse doing everything she can to stop her partner from murdering her."

"Makes you glad you don't have kids, hey, Doc?"

Maura pursed her lips and nodded her head briefly. Korsak walked away, completely oblivious to the grip of her fist at her side, or the pressure she was putting on her jaw through the clenching of her teeth. Despite having the job she did, it didn't stop her from wanting to bring a child into the world. Through all of the pain, and the sorrow, something good had to exist, and for many, that was children.

"What have we got?"

The sound of Jane's voice made Maura's ears prick up. She glanced around the room at the exact moment Jane looked toward the body. She smiled, briefly, and marched over. Maura leaned back over the body and resumed her work.

"Man batters his wife? Pussy," Jane said, approaching the body.

Taking a long, deep breath, Maura maintained a modicum of calm. She focused her attention on the man's torso, still soaked through with blood. There was always the possibility that this knife wound was not alone, that he could have been stabbed multiple times.

"D'you know what killed him?"

"A single stab wound to the chest is the likely cause."

She ignored the feel of Jane's eyes on her back. She could sense that she was about to speak, and yet no words came. Instead, Maura continued to check over the body, until she felt happy with her findings. She stood up, snapped off her gloves, and disposed of them in a hazardous waste container.

"How are you going?" Jane asked, following her out of the room.

"Can you please make sure the body goes straight back to BPD?" Maura said as she approached one of CSI team members. He nodded.

"Just going to ignore me now?" Jane said, not disappearing from her side.

Ignoring her was not her entire intention, she just wasn't ready to cope with whatever Jane wanted to discuss. She felt fragile and somewhere in the last couple of hours, the desire to cry had crept up on her.

"I told Ma about Silver."

She turned around to face Jane. "You told Angela?"

"Yeah." Jane smiled. Her face curved comfortably and Maura couldn't help but feel an element of pride.

"How did it go?"

"Good. She doesn't hate me."

"I'm glad."

Jane reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Maura."

"I need to get back to the office," Maura said, shrugging her hand away. She wasn't going to let Jane use her own achievements to pull her into that conversation. "I'll see you later."

Despite Jane's protests, Maura continued walking. She had a job to do. It wasn't that she wanted to push Jane away, or appear cold, she just didn't want to talk about it.

x

Curling up on the sofa with a bottle of beer, Jane sunk into Silver's arms. She'd forgotten how nice it felt to be able to sit with someone, to feel close to someone, in that way. She breathed in the dull scent of body odour, mixed with the perfume that Silver coated herself with. It had become a scent that made her smile, which made her body react in ways she hadn't allowed herself to feel in a long time.

"Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we met at a different time?" Jane asked, running her fingers across the side of Silver's thigh.

"When would you have had us meet?"

"Twenty years ago."

"Hmm," Silver said. "I'd have been sixteen."

"Fifteen years ago then."

"Fifteen years ago I was planning to take a trip around Europe after I graduated college."

"Did you go?"

"I did. I fell in love with a French woman called Claudine. I didn't want to come home."

"Twenty-five year old me would have missed you so much, and wouldn't have appreciated you falling for a French woman," Jane said, turning a little in her arms.

"Missed me or missed my body?"

Jane laughed. "I don't know."

"It's a good job I don't mind," Silver said. She nuzzled her face against the side of Jane's neck. "What were you doing fifteen years ago?"

"Roaming the streets of Boston in uniform," she said. "I finally moved out of home, even though Ma would have happily kept me there until I died."

"What's she like, your Ma?"

"She's a helicopter." Jane paused. "She used to be. She's a lot better since she and Pop divorced. She's feisty. I don't think I've ever known a stronger woman."

"She sounds wonderful."

"She is." Jane trailed her fingers back and forth across Silver's thigh. "What are your parents like?"

"They died," Silver said, clearing her throat. "I've never known them. I was a toddler. I went to live with my aunt until I was twelve. Then I got put in the system."

"Why? Couldn't you stay with your aunt?"

"No," she said, lowering her head. "She was my great aunt and she was ill, Alzheimer's. I was too young to understand, really, all I knew was that my whole life was turned upside down. Because I didn't remember my parents, I didn't miss them the way I missed my aunt."

"Is that why you work in children's services?"

"I don't want children to go through what I went through."

"No." Jane placed her bottle of beer on the coffee table and twisted further in her arms, reaching out until their lips pressed together. "You came out the other side."

"I did. I was lucky. I had an inheritance, without it I wouldn't have gone to college, or Europe. Then I might never have met you."

Leaning her nose against Silver's, Jane closed her eyes. "I'm really glad you did meet me."

"Me too."

x

Walking into the kitchen, Maura paused. A bottle of wine sat on the counter with an envelope propped up beside it. She walked over and unhooked the back of the envelope.

'Maura, After everything that's happened today, you deserve a glass. I'm here when you're ready. Love, Jane."

She sat down on a stool and picked up the bottle. She stared down at the label. Her heart raced inside her chest, her eyes filled with tears. No matter what was happening, Jane would always be there for her, and that mattered more than her actually physically being there. She placed the bottle back down on the counter and rested her head in her hands. A whole day of emotions flooded her mind. She hunched over as great gasping sobs took over.

* * *

 **Author Notes : I know this was a sadder/angstier chapter, I'm hoping we'll get some happier moments back soon. I really didn't introduce Hope's death to drag the whole story down, it has a purpose, and a reason, but then Maura decided it was going to upset her more than I had planned.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Author Notes : Thank you everyone for reading and commenting on the last couple of chapters, I am finally back into the swing of things with this fic - so much so that it's changing its own course. Things were not supposed to happen and have, which I love about writing. The way stories take over and write themselves. Hopefully this one will appease a few minds.**

* * *

"Hello, stranger," Jane said, holding the door open. She leaned against it and smiled.

Maura stood up straight, her shoulders back and let out a slow and methodical breath. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You needed time."

"Thank you for giving it to me, and thank you for the wine. It meant a lot."

"It was only a couple days, I figured you could use a drink," Jane said, stepping to one side. "I'm glad you came over."

Maura peered into the apartment. "Is Silver here?"

"No." Jane reached a hand out to her upper arm. "I'm all yours."

The last couple of days had allowed her to gain some perspective. Maura followed Jane into the apartment and leaned against the kitchen counter. A lightness in Jane's step didn't escape her notice.

"You seem different," Maura said.

"Different, how?"

"Happier." Maura shook her head. "More comfortable in yourself. I think Silver has been good for you."

"Yeah," Jane said. She looked down, consciously aware of the redness coating her cheeks. She busied herself with mugs and coffee. "She has."

"I'm glad."

"How have you been?" Jane asked, filling the coffee pot with water and switching the machine on.

"Tired, mostly." Maura forged a smile. "The funeral is next week, it'll be held at a crematorium where she was living in Oxford."

"You've gotta go to England for the funeral?"

"Yes. Cailin decided that since she had a lot of friends and colleagues out there that they should hold the initial service there. She will be cremated, then we'll have a memorial service here in Boston for everyone else. I'll travel over there at the weekend and spend a couple of days with Cailin."

"I guess that makes sense. How is she doing?"

"It's difficult to know. She says she's okay but as you very well know what people say and what people feel are two very different things." Maura placed her coffee mug on the counter and walked around it. She wrapped her arms around Jane's waist and clung to her. "Thank you. I should have come to you sooner."

"Anytime, Maura," Jane said, wrapping her up in a hug. She pressed her lips to the side of her head and pulling her in tightly.

x

Standing in the airport, Jane held up the pen and paper checklist she'd snatched from Maura a few moments ago.

"Tickets?"

"Check," Maura said.

"Passport?"

"Check."

"Jane?"

"Jane?" Maura frowned. "Why would you be on my list?"

"Why wouldn't I be on your list?"

"Because you're not coming with me to England."

"Check again," Jane said, handing over the checklist.

Maura rolled her eyes and glanced down at the list. Jane watched as she reached the bottom, to her name scrawled across the blank space.

"You're not coming with me," Maura said. "You drove me to the airport, you have nothing with you, and you don't have a ticket. Nice try."

Jane nodded her head, placed her hands on Maura's shoulders and twisted her around. "I think you'll find Ma and Frankie brought my stuff, and they'll drive my car home, so I can come with you."

Across the room, Angela waved enthusiastically, while Frankie dragged a suitcase behind him. He raised a hand and smiled. Maura turned back to Jane.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" Jane shook her head. "Because you are Maura, and you shouldn't do this alone, and I love you so I'm going to come with you. If that's okay?"

"Of course that's okay with me. Would you go home if I told you it wasn't?"

Jane stared at Maura. "Erm, no."

Her face cracked, tears spilled down her eyelids. "Thank you."

Jane cupped her cheeks, brushing away tears with her thumbs. "I said I'd be here for you, and that's what I'm gonna do. If that means flying halfway around the world, then that's what I'm gonna do. You can't go to your mother's funeral alone."

"But what about work?"

"I cleared it with Korsak, I'm owed about fifty million holidays. You know I'm bad at taking time off, he practically kicked me out the door. So, let's get checked in and hit the bar."

x

"Jane, what are you doing?" Maura asked, fastening her seat belt. The business class seat beside her had previously been filled, before a man disappeared up toward the front of the plane. Jane sat down and buckled up her seat belt. "I thought your ticket was for economy."

"It was."

"Then what are you doing in business class?"

"I switched."

"You can't just switch," Maura looked around the cabin in search of the air hostess who had walked past a moment ago. "It costs money to upgrade."

"I didn't upgrade. I asked nicely and they found me a spot."

"That just happened to be next to me?"

"I explained the situation, so now you don't have to sit here alone for the next four hours."

"Six."

"Six what?"

"Hours.

"Aw man, that's even worse," Jane groaned.

"You didn't have to come."

"I wanted to."

"I was going to read the latest medical journal from cover to cover. I doubt I'll be much company."

"You don't wanna sit and chat?"

"You don't chat, Jane. Not unless it's about work, or baseball."

"I so do chat. I can chat."

"What would you like to chat about?"

"Erm, fish."

"Fish? Right. What about fish do you wish to discuss?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "I don't wanna talk about fish, Maura. I just wanna sit with you."

"Thank you. I appreciate the company."

x

An hour into the flight, Maura put her medical journal down and glanced across to Jane. She sat in silence, her eyes fixed on the entertainment screen in front of her. For the first time since Hope died, and they found out she wasn't pregnant, Maura felt her face crack a smile. Sometimes she forgot about the wonderful things in her life, and Jane was certainly up there with the greatest. Having her there with her meant more than she could put into words.

"You okay?" Jane asked, pulling off her headphones.

"Fine," Maura said, her smile never faltering. Jane stared back at her, her eyebrows creased together. Jane smiled back and returned her headphones. Maura looked away, though she couldn't help looking back again.

Their lives had taken so many twists and turns in recent months, she almost couldn't keep up. The hardest part of losing Hope was the loss of connection to her birth, and the sadness she felt for her sister. The easiest bit was, by far, having Jane by her side. She reached out, finding Jane's fingers on her thigh, and interlinked them with her own. The crease between Jane's eyebrows deepened, she glanced back to Maura, but didn't remove her headphones. She squeezed her fingers around Maura's hand.

The small connection settled the worries that threatened to surface. She didn't know anyone in England, except Cailin. She barely knew her sister. The thought of having to socialise with so many new people, to receive sympathy from complete strangers, didn't sit well with her lack of social skills.

Jane placed her other hand over the top of Maura's and they sat like that for a while.

x

A few hours later, Jane stuck a fork into the slice of chicken on her plastic tray and held it up. She remembered why she didn't fly much, and why she tried her very best not to end up in hospital. They were the two least food friendly places she could think of. After carving off a little and tossing it into her mouth, Jane leaned back and turned to Maura.

"We never did get to talk about trying to get pregnant."

"No," Maura said, elegantly slicing her food up into pieces. "I suppose we didn't."

"I'm sorry it didn't work out this time."

"Me too."

"Before everything happened with Hope, you said you didn't know if you wanted to try again."

She held her breath. Jane wanted to know, she wanted to be sure if she should invest herself again, or not. At the same time, she feared the response that Maura would give. The day they discovered Maura wasn't pregnant Jane had cause for disappointment, not just because there was no baby, but because of Maura's words.

"I don't know what I want anymore. If you don't mind," Maura said, lifting her fork up to her lips. "I'm trying to eat. This isn't the place to be discussing this. Perhaps when we get home."

"If that's what you want," Jane said, disappointment seeping back into her heart. It was wrong of her to put that on Maura, to show her disappointment, she knew that. She cleared her throat and forged a smile, pushing a friendliness into her voice. "There's no rush. You can take your time."

Maura sighed. "I'm sorry. That came across harsher than I intended. I'd rather discuss it in private."

"It's okay," Jane shrugged. "You're hurting."

"That's no excuse to speak to you like that."

Jane lifted her food tray off the table and placed it on Maura's, before sliding her tray back against the seat. She twisted round and reached for Maura's hand.

"I get it. You don't need to push me away Maura, I'm here for you. That means we talk about things when you want to. I'm not precious about it, if you want me to back down, tell me to back down."

"For once you're talking to me," Maura said. "For once you're not bottling everything up and I keep telling you to stop. I need to meet you half way."

"My mother didn't just die. I don't need you to treat me like I'm gonna break."

"You don't need to treat me like I'm going to break," Maura said.

"Duly noted."

x

On the other side of customs, having claimed their baggage, Maura searched the crowds for the not quite familiar face of her younger sister. When she spotted her, her heart sunk. Despite having a couple of relatively straightforward conversations with her since Hope's death, seeing the fragility in her eyes broke Maura's resolve. She dropped her bag at her feet and pulled the young woman into her arms. The moment she did, Cailin collapsed into them in a fit of tears. Her body shook with great gasping sobs. Maura clung to her. Never before had she felt any true connection with her only known, living sibling, not even when she'd given her a kidney.

"I am so sorry."

After a moment, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Still supporting her sister as she struggled to regain her composure, Maura turned her head and smiled weakly at Jane, she appreciated the brief squeeze of her shoulder.

"Let's go home," Maura said, once the tears had lessened. She turned to search for her bag.

"I've got everything," Jane said,

Maura moved her arm around the back of Cailin's shoulder and guided her toward the exit.

x

At the house, Maura stood on the path and looked up at the old, brick building. She had visited only once in the last few years on a trip to London for a medical examiners conference. She barely saw inside, yet what she did see emulated the woman showing it to her. Tears threatened her composure. As if knowing that she needed her, Jane grasped at her fingers.

"Thank you," Maura said, squeezing back.

They crossed the threshold and a wave of sights and smells overloaded Maura's senses. A flash back to moments spent with Hope, to the perfume she wore, to the last time she stood in the entranceway. Maura let go of a fragile breath, appreciating Jane's fingers still providing her with support.

"I'm in Mom's room," Cailin said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "I didn't realise you were bringing Jane, we only have one other room."

"That's fine with me," Jane said. "I can sleep on the couch, or wherever, I don't mind."

"We have a camp bed which we can put up in the office."

The light and airy hallway opened up into a beautiful, English country garden kitchen. Maura ran a hand across the selected marble worktop. Cailin moved around the table in the middle.

"We have plenty of refreshments, and a friend did a big shop at the supermarket for me yesterday, so we have lots of food in. Help yourselves to anything you'd like."

She returned to the hallway. Maura moved to follow her, Jane leaned in close, a brief bout of laughter sliced through the grief stricken house. "A big shop at the supermarket?"

"That's what they call the grocery store," Maura said.

"I know that, it's just weird hearing her say it with an American accent."

Heading up the stairs, Cailin pointed out the bathroom, the office, and the other bedroom. "I'll get the camp bed, and some spare sheets."

Left alone in Maura's room for the next few days, Maura slipped off her shoes and felt the wooden floor beneath her feet. She held back the impending wave of emotions. The house smelled too familiar. She almost considered checking into a hotel to get away from it.

"You doing okay?" Jane asked, stepping closer. She ran a hand across the top of Maura's arm.

She nodded. The fear of what would happen if she opened her mouth to speak was too consuming. She knew it would only be a matter of time, and though she didn't mind crying in front of Jane, she didn't want to show the depth of her current emotions to Cailin.

"Here's some sheets, and a towel," Cailin said, entering the bedroom again. "The camp bed is set up."

"Thank you," Jane said.

"If you need anything," she began to say, her voice drifted off into silence. There was still fragility in her eyes, in her voice.

"We'll be fine, thank you," Jane said.

She nodded her head and backed out of the room. A moment later, a door closed and they could hear the loud, gasping sobs travel through the walls. Maura clutched the skirt of her dress, but she couldn't keep her emotions in check. She turned her back to Jane, her shoulders moved as silent gasps escaped her.

"Hey," Jane said, wrapping her arms around her from behind. She continued to cry, each tear flowed into the one before, until her cheeks were red raw.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're allowed to be upset."

"I'm not even crying about Hope, not entirely. Cailin is so broken apart. It's so unfair on her. She shouldn't have to lose her mother so young."

"No," Jane said, pressing her lips to the side of Maura's head. She turned into her embrace and nuzzled her face against Jane's chest. She breathed in the familiarity of Jane's body, got lost for the briefest second in a scent that didn't make her want to cry. In Jane's arms she felt at home.

x

Tossing and turning on the narrow camp bed, Jane threw back the bed sheets and let out a small groan. She wasn't adverse to tiny camp beds, at least not in principle, but when she couldn't stop thinking about the two women across the hall who were heartbroken, she couldn't find comfort in it. Instead she twisted round again, the squeak of the old springs made her consciously aware of every movement.

Sometime around two in the morning, she got up to use the bathroom. On her way back to the office, she spotted the light from under Maura's bedroom door. She stopped, placed a hand on the wood, and listened for a moment. She couldn't hear anything.

Before she pulled away, she heard the familiar movement of paper. She tapped lightly on the doorframe.

"Come in," Maura said softly.

She pressed down on the door handle and opened the door, slipping inside, before closing it behind her. As expected, Maura lay in bed with the medical journal she hadn't read much of on the plane.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Jane said. "Wanted to see if you were."

"I am, thank you, Jane," Maura said. "It helped to have a really good cry."

"I'm glad."

Hovering by the door, Jane didn't quite know what to do with herself. She wanted to say something more but what else was there to say? Maura was doing okay, and that was all that mattered.

"Would you like to sit?"

She nodded her head and scooted onto the bedsheets. Maura placed her journal on the bedside table and rolled onto her other side to face Jane. Following her lead, Jane did the same.

"Do you ever wonder what life will be like when we're older?" Maura asked.

"How old is older?"

"Eighty."

"Not really," Jane said. "The average age of a cop is nowhere near that."

"Doesn't mean you won't reach it."

"Doesn't mean I will." Jane frowned. "Why are we talking about death?"

"I didn't intend to," Maura said. "Do you ever wonder what we'll be doing if we're both still here?"

"Sitting at your kitchen table drinking beer and wine, as we always do, probably."

"Do you think?"

"I dunno," Jane said. She didn't know what else to say. The only thing she could envisage in her future was that. If they ever had a child together, maybe he or she would be sat beside them. By then they could easily be grandparents. "What else could there be?"

"You and Silver, and your family."

Jane scoffed. "No. I don't, I don't see a future with her."

"You don't?"

"Not really. She's nice, I really like her, but I don't think we'll be together in forty years time." Jane cleared her throat, her vision burst into a million tiny pieces, replaced by a man she didn't even know wrapping his arms around Maura. "You and your husband."

"Who says I even want a husband?" Maura asked.

"You did."

"I did. I used to want that. I used to want a lot of things."

"Children?"

Maura closed her eyes. "I'm not ready to discuss that. Can we please get the funeral over with first? There's a lot of things going through my mind and I can't quite put that into words."

"That's fine." Jane edged a little closer. "Do you think we'll still be friends when we're eighty?"

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"You said it yourself a few years back that we wouldn't be friends if we didn't do the job we do, that we'd never see each other."

"That was before," Maura said.

Staring into Maura's eyes, Jane felt comfort. She didn't know what the future held, neither of them did, all she knew was that Maura meant the world to her. She couldn't picture a future without her.

"I hope we are," Jane said, lowering her gaze briefly. She stared at Maura's chin, at the shape of her lips, so perfectly formed. Lips she knew and yet didn't know. She swallowed a lump that settled uncomfortably at the back of her throat. A wave of emotion flooded her mind.

"I hope so too," Maura said, leaning in closer. She pressed her lips to Jane's cheek. "Thank you for everything."

In the moment, as Maura pulled back again, Jane leaned forward. She didn't know why she did it, but the second her lips pressed against Maura's, she pulled back. She stared deeply into her eyes, into the surprised expression on Maura's face, then away again.

"I should go to bed," she whispered, slipping off Maura's bed and rushing for the door.

"Jane," Maura said, her voice travelled in her wake, but she'd already slipped out of the room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author Notes** **: Thank you to everyone for the comments, etc. As always, you make this writing malarkey so much more interesting and fun. I hope you continue to enjoy my story...**

* * *

Laying back down on the camp bed, Jane closed her eyes. The ghost of Maura's lips lingered over her mouth, tickling her skin, toying with her mind. She ran her fingers across her lips, making sure that she was imagining it. She should not have kissed Maura. She knew that. Maura probably knew that too. Not least because they were really close friends, but also because of her relationship with Silver. No matter how short a time they'd been together, nor how long she intended their relationship to continue.

She reached across the room in the dark, fumbling with the open suitcase beside her in search of her cellphone. Pulling it close, she quickly found Silver's number and pressed the call button.

Time difference confused her, especially at such a late hour. She hoped Silver was on the right side of midnight.

"Hey."

Regret. Guilt. Sadness. Hearing Silver's voice sent her mind into overdrive. She loved Maura, in all the ways that were acceptable. Anything else didn't matter, couldn't matter. Not then. Not in that moment.

"I wanted to hear your voice," Jane said, lying back against her pillow and closing her eyes. In the darkness, all that mattered was her voice. If she pushed everything else away long enough, she could forget the niggling feeling that the regret and guilt were not meant for Silver.

"I'm glad you called. I can't believe you went to England for Maura."

"She needed me."

"I know," Silver's voice faded into silence. Jane opened her mouth to speak but words escaped her. "That's why I think I'm falling in love with you. The things you do for the people you care about, you haven't done it for me but I still feel grateful that you did it."

Jane attempted to clear her throat, to push away the lump building up. She swiped at her cheek as a couple of tears rolled down her face, tickling her ear.

"Some days I think I'm falling for you too."

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. Why did she say that? Why did she speak without thinking of the repercussions? Some days she did feel like Silver could be someone special, not because she fell harder, but because Silver was a wonderful person. If she could let go of whatever it was stopping her from actually committing, maybe she could allow herself to fall. Maybe she could allow herself the happiness she'd evaded for so long.

Then she thought of Maura, and she felt even guiltier.

"It's late, I should sleep," Jane said. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Call me again soon," Silver said. "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

Lowering her cell phone back onto her suitcase, Jane rolled onto her side. The deceptive feeling of lips on hers returned. She wrapped her fists tightly around the bed sheets. She needed to sleep. She needed to push aside whatever it was going through her mind, before it consumed her.

x

The next morning, Maura sat at a small table in the garden, nursing a mug of coffee. The sun had barely risen. Maura watched a robin dance about on the patio. The earthy scent of heavy rain lingered in the air. Maura sipped her coffee, hoping it would hold her consciousness long enough to get through the day. Despite the somewhat confusing end to her night, Maura had drifted off quickly once Jane left the room. She didn't know how, and on waking up, pushed all thoughts aside in favour of a new day. She had enough to worry about without thinking about that moment, without dwelling on things she could not control. Knowing Jane, she would not want to discuss the matter either, and that suited her just fine.

"Morning," Cailin said, carrying a mug of coffee out and standing beside her.

"Good morning Cailin," Maura said, smiling softly. She patted the chair beside her and Cailin sat down. "Did you have any plans for today? I thought we could spend some time together."

"I have to visit the undertaker," Cailin said. "We need to finalise the funeral arrangements."

"May I come?"

Cailin nodded. "She was your mother too."

"I'm sure we both agree that I have no claim to the label of daughter."

"One thing I'm starting to learn," Cailin said, placing her mug on the table. "Is that it doesn't matter who we are to someone, it's how we treat each other that's important."

"Hope and I could have spent more time together."

Cailin leaned forward and cupped her hands around her coffee mug, resting on the table. "Hope could have spent more time with a lot of people, myself included. I know she loved me, that's what really matters."

"I'm not sure I can even consider that a fact," Maura said, pouring the last mouthful of coffee into her mouth. She watched the robin hop across the lawn. She swallowed. "We didn't know each other very well."

Cailin forged a smile. "Mom loved you, she might not have said it, or showed it, but she loved you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"She talked about you all the time. That article that was published about your work, she got it framed and hung in her office. She bought a couple dozen physical copies and handed them out to anyone who would accept one."

"Oh." The crease between Maura's eyebrows deepened. "I didn't realise."

"I know we haven't exactly seen eye to eye," Cailin said. "But I could really use your support this week. I don't care if you think Hope didn't love you, or if you think it's not right to consider yourself her daughter. You are my sister, and right now you're the only family I have."

x

"The undertaker seemed nice," Maura said, sitting down.

Cailin placed their tray of drinks on the table and sat down opposite Maura. "He's been very kind."

"Do you come here a lot?" Maura asked. "It's a lovely coffee house."

"Not really."

Focusing her attention on the cup of coffee in front of her, Maura sipped the hot liquid. She glanced around the room, all too aware of the uncomfortable silence that settled between them. Cailin and Maura were effectively strangers. They'd shared a couple of dinners at Hope's, but they had very different lives, and Maura didn't quite know how to change that.

"I hope Jane didn't mind you coming today," Cailin said, wrapping her hands around her cup.

"Not at all," Maura said. She slid her hands under the table and clasped them together. The busy morning had allowed her a moment's reprieve from even thinking about Jane. The mere mention of her created the most intense physical image of her in her mind, of her lips pressed against hers, that a breath caught in her throat. Maura pushed the thought aside as best as she could. "Jane will be fine."

"You two still seem pretty close."

"We are." Perhaps too close. She didn't know what last night meant, and knowing Jane's ability to ignore things, she wasn't sure she'd ever get to find out. All she knew was that the moment passed by so quickly and yet somehow left an imprint that felt the size of Jupiter. Not that that was possible. "She's a very dear friend."

"She must think a lot of you to travel all this way."

"I suppose so."

Cailin raised her cup to her mouth, then placed it down on the table. "You don't sound so convinced."

"It's not that," Maura said.

"What is it then?"

"I, I don't know what to say."

Cailin raised an eyebrow and sat up a little straighter in her chair. "You can talk to me, if you want. I won't tell her what you've said."

"Jane kissed me last night."

Cailin's face cracked, her lips curved at the edges and she let out a bellowing laugh. Maura frowned, pursing her lips. She felt entirely uncomfortable, to the point where she felt like standing up and walking out of the coffee house.

"I'm sorry," Cailin said, running her fingers across the table. "I didn't mean to sound so…judgemental."

Words escaped her. Maura looked into her eyes, waiting for her to continue, hoping that she would fill the silence before it completely returned.

"When we visited you in Boston years ago and we had dinner with you and Jane, I was sure there was something going on, but Mom said I was talking rubbish. I wasn't, was I?"

Maura sighed. "Jane and I have never been in a relationship. Until recently Jane identified as being heterosexual, so I'm not sure what you thought was going on, but it was inaccurate."

"I don't mean that something was going on like you were in a relationship. I mean that it seemed like you were really close, like really close. Her mother cooked us dinner."

"Angela is a friend, and Jane has never showed any interest in me, not in that way."

"You said it was only recently that she stopped identifying as heterosexual?"

"Yes."

"Is it possible that while identifying as something other than straight, she's also realised she has feelings for you?"

"No." Maura shook her head. "We're friends. She has never shown an interest in me."

"Except when she kissed you."

"Yes, except when she kissed me."

"Maura," Cailin said, leaning forward. "She flew halfway around the world so she could be with you at Mom's funeral. That's not something that friends usually do."

"Why not?"

"Mom was right, you really can be obtuse about some things."

Maura frowned. "Should I be offended by that?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I mean that you just don't see that what Jane did isn't ordinary."

"Are you saying you think she did it because she wants to be in a relationship with me?"

"I'm saying I think she's in love with you."

Something heavy settled in the pit of her stomach. She tried to swallow but her throat was too dry. Not once since Jane kissed her, did Maura consider that Jane was harbouring feelings for her.

"Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?" Maura asked, struggling to get her mind around the suggestion.

"You're just like Mom," Cailin said. "Always wanting some sort of proof."

"Do you have any additional evidence?"

"I don't know you both well enough. The question is, how do you feel about Jane?"

"She's my friend."

"I got that," Cailin said. "But how you feel about her kissing you?"

"I don't know." She honestly didn't. The thought of what happened refused to vacate the space it took up in her brain. She was very fond of Jane, she meant a lot to her. She had never even entertained the consideration of anything more.

"How do you feel about women?"

"In which way?"

Cailin rolled her eyes. "As sexual objects. Have you ever been attracted to another woman?"

"Of course."

Cailin raised an eyebrow. "Of course? You say that like it's obvious. Why didn't I know that?"

"I don't see the need to label oneself when we're all sexual beings. I've never seen anything wrong with being attracted to someone from the same sex. A person is a person, and they are who I fall for, not their gender."

"You're kidding me, right?" Cailin asked. "You're completely fluid and yet you've never considered a relationship with the person you're closest to?"

"She's my friend."

"Who is in love with you."

"You don't know that."

"No. I don't. But I'd happily place a bet."

Maura shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Jane and I are just really good friends."

"Sure you are," Cailin said.

"Perhaps instead of discussing my friendship with Jane, we should be discussing the music for the funeral."

Cailin sighed and stared down at the table. The previously jovial environment quickly shifted into morose and tense. Maura regretted it the moment she saw how sad Cailin looked.

"You know what, Maura? It was just really fucking nice to not have to think about that, for five minutes."

Pushing her chair back, Cailin placed her cup down on the table and stood up. With barely a glance, and before Maura could react, she marched out of the coffee house.

x

The night sky was full of stars, Jane sat at the table, her cell phone in hand as she watched the world go by. She listened intently to every word that Silver said, outlining her day, sharing with her the inner workings of her mind. Yet every word drifted away, disappearing into the sky, lost to her thoughts. The door opened and Maura stepped onto the patio. She folded her arms across her chest, waved a hand up to Jane, then walked out across the garden.

"I have to go," Jane said, interrupting Silver's story.

"Oh."

Jane sighed. "I'm sorry. We're about to eat."

The lie came easier than Jane ever imagined possible. Once the pleasantries were out of the way, she placed her phone on the table and walked across the garden. She stopped beside Maura, her bare feet merged with the grass. They'd barely seen each other since the night before. The memory still fresh in mind.

"We should talk," Maura said.

Jane stared down at her feet as she kicked at the grass. "There's nothing to say."

"I beg to differ."

"I was tired," Jane said. "I was trying to comfort you."

"I wasn't upset in that moment."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I do."

"You might want to, but you can't make me, Maura. I told you there's nothing to say."

"Okay."

The tightness in Maura's voice hurt. She didn't like to cause such friction between them. She wanted to be there for her; her actions the night before had caused issue with that.

"How was the visit to the undertaker?" Jane asked.

"He was very kind." Maura pursed her lips. "How did you spend your day?"

A lightness infiltrated Jane's voice, threatening to push down her resolve. "You'd be proud of me, I went to a library and a book store."

"You visited the Bodleian Library?" Maura asked, her mouth dropped. "Without me?"

"I'm sorry," Jane said, turning to face Maura. "I thought of you the entire time. Have you ever been?"

"Once," Maura said, turning toward her. "Hope and I visited a few years ago."

"It's amazing, isn't it? I don't think I've ever seen so many books before."

Maura laughed, the gentle sound of her voice trailed off into the darkness. She'd never noticed it before, the way it sounded. It was as familiar as her own fingers, yet she'd never really thought about what it sounded like.

"I never thought we'd have a conversation like this," Maura said. "You amaze me in ways I never thought would be possible."

"I still don't like reading," Jane said, smiling. "It's good hear you laugh, though."

Maura held her arms tightly around her front, a slight chatter to her voice. "I don't know whether to laugh or cry most of the time."

"I'd choose laughter," Jane said, reaching a hand out to her cheek. It felt too intimate, so she lowered it quickly to her arm, then pulled back equally as fast. "Sorry."

"You can touch me, Jane," Maura said. "I'm not going to think anything more of it than the friendship you've offered me over the last several years."

Her shoulders sunk, and she didn't really know why. She felt sad, and despondent. She tried to imagine Silver, and the relationship they'd been building. She tried to push away all thoughts of Maura, but they just wouldn't go away.

"How's Cailin?" she asked, diverting the conversation in the only direction she could think of.

"I think I upset her," Maura said.

"I wouldn't take it personally."

"No." Maura turned away and stared up at the night's sky.

"Maybe once the funeral's over, we could go to the library again," Jane said, focusing her attention back on the stars.

"That'd be nice."

x

"Could we talk?" Maura asked, standing in the doorway to Hope's bedroom.

Cailin placed a hair brush down on the dresser and walked over to the bed. She perched on the edge and motioned for Maura to join her.

"I'm sorry about earlier today."

"No, I'm sorry," Cailin said. "It's not your fault. I was pushing you and you obviously didn't want to talk. It's only natural you wanted to divert away from that. It's just harder than I ever thought it'd be, losing Mom."

Maura nodded and reached out for Cailin's hand. "You're still so young, to lose your mother, I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose her at your age."

Leaning forward, Cailin hunched over, her shoulders shook gently as tears strolled down her face. "I thought we had more time. We were starting to build a relationship, after everything that happened, we were in a good place. Now I have nobody."

"I know," Maura said. She trailed a hand across Cailin's back and wrapped her up in her embrace. "I know. But you're not alone, I promise you that. I'm here for you, Cailin. I know I've made mistakes, I'm so sorry for that. I should have stayed in contact, I should have been here for you. I'm here now."

x

"Cailin okay?" Jane asked as Maura walked past the office door. She stood up and tossed a tshirt back onto her open suitcase.

Maura nodded, her heart heavy with every breath. "She will be, no doubt it'll take some time."

"You're a good sister to her, Maura."

She stared down and entered the room, closing the door behind her. The last twenty-four hours had really taken its toll. Aside from everything with Jane, her relationship with her sister was still fragile. "I don't feel much like I am. I let her down. I spent years wishing for a family and when I had one handed to me, I wasted the opportunity."

"You live in different countries, it's not all your fault."

"I could have tried harder. Cailin said something earlier that resonated with me. She said she thought she had more time. I always thought I had more time too; I put it off. I put finding a partner off, having a family, too. Maybe next month, maybe next year."

Jane stepped across her suitcase and sat down on the edge of the camp bed. "I guess we don't know how long we have, we think we've got time but then it all goes."

"I don't want to waste any more time," Maura said.

"With what?"

"Having a family."

"You want to try again?"

"Yes."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author Notes : Thank you for all of the comments, favs and follows. I really appreciate knowing that so many people are interested in my story. I hope you continue to enjoy it with this chapter.**

* * *

Doleful music followed them out of the crematorium. Maura slipped an arm around Cailin's shoulder and they stood, accepting the sympathies of friends and acquaintances of Hope. As the group of mourners dispersed, heading off in the direction of the parking lot, Maura caught Jane's eye. She lingered behind the remaining couple of people, her eyes fixed on Maura's. She breathed in slowly, accepted the sympathies of the man and woman who knew Hope from work. Then Jane stepped forward.

"It was a lovely service," she said, squeezing Maura's hand tightly. Where most people would let go, Jane clung to Maura's fingers.

"Thank you for being here," Maura said, thankful for the physical contact. "It means a lot that you could come all this way."

"'Course," Jane said. She reached her other hand out to Cailin's shoulder. "I'm so sorry about Hope."

"Thank you," she said, swiping at a couple of tears strolling along previously formed paths.

"You were so brave to get up there and speak."

Sniffing, Cailin stood up a little taller. "There was nobody else."

"Still," Jane said. "I couldn't do it."

"Shall we go?" Maura asked, pulling her arm tighter around Cailin's shoulder. "I'm sure we could all use a drink."

x

Pressing down on the suitcase, Jane slid the zipper around the edge until it wouldn't move. She groaned and pushed the edge of a pair of pants further into the case. When the zipper wouldn't move again, she turned around and sat down on the lid, squashing everything inside. The zipper finally moved all the way around.

"Ah-ha!" she shouted, standing up and fist pumping the air.

"You forgot the clothes you're wearing," Maura said, smirking as she leaned against the door frame.

"Bollocks," Jane said.

"Bollocks?"

"It's British."

Maura smirked. "Where did you pick that up from?"

"Uncle Bill."

"Who, pray tell, is Uncle Bill?"

"Not a clue. The old guy who offered me a cigar."

Maura raised her eyebrows. "When did this happen?"

"I think you were talking to Cailin," Jane said. "I almost accepted, then he commented on my tits so I slapped him."

"Jane!"

"What? He deserved it, the dirty old man. Probably isn't even an uncle."

In the silence, Maura looked away, her eyes absent of the light that Jane was so used to seeing there. She stood up and closed the gap.

"You okay?"

"It's been a long day," Maura said, toneless. "Are you all packed?"

"Except for these," Jane said. "You?"

"No."

Jane's eyes narrowed, she reached the back of her hand out to Maura's forehead. "You must be getting sick."

The weak smile barely reached Maura's eyes. "I don't want to leave her."

"I know." Jane sighed, she lowered her hand to Maura's shoulder. "But she's an adult, she'll be okay."

"She doesn't have anybody else, Jane."

"So ask her to come back to Boston."

Maura frowned. "I can't ask her to do that."

"It's a question, Maura, it's not a demand. She can decide for herself if it's what she wants. But if you're that worried about her, it's a way to show her she's not alone."

"I'll consider it."

x

Tears soaked into the edge of the pillow. Maura clung to it, her arms wrapped tightly around the material. She pushed her face into a damp patch, but nothing helped. She gasped for air as the tears took control. She pushed the pillow away, tossed the bed sheets off her body and lay there, staring up at the ceiling, struggling for breath. She slid off the bed and out into the hallway, the tears never faltering. At the end of the hallway, she tapped on the office door and waited. A moment later the door opened and Jane stared at her, her hair dishevelled and her eyes squinting. She rubbed at them.

"Maur?" She opened her eyes wider. "What's wrong?"

"Hope," she whispered, fighting for breath once more.

Jane stepped toward her and scooped her up into her arms, wrapping them tightly around her. She clung to her, desperately in need for her comfort. She pressed her face to her neck, the sweet smell of her body filled her senses.

"Come here," Jane said, pulling her into the room and closing the door. She ran her hands across her back, her bare skin tingled under the touch, toying with Maura's mind.

She pulled out of Jane's arms momentarily, her eyes travelled up to Jane's, staring deep into her brown orbs. Familiarity. Her home was housed in that look. Wherever Jane was, she felt safe. She was the only person she could rely on, and it had been that way for a long time. The only person in her life who had ever really mattered was Jane. A breath caught in her throat. She reached out and trailed her fingers across Jane's lips.

"What are you doing, Maura?" she asked, her eyebrows narrowed.

"I don't know," she said, leaning forward, pressing her lips to Jane's. In the moment, it felt right, like she was supposed to kiss her. When Jane reacted, Maura deepened the kiss, tangling her fingers up in Jane's curls. The feel of her mouth merging with her own filled her with something she couldn't quite describe. All she knew was that it felt right. Despite the previously platonic nature to their relationship, nothing about it felt wrong.

Pressing her hands to Maura's shoulders, Jane pushed her back. "We can't."

"Why not?"

Tears formed in her eyelids, gathering together until they spilled over and down her cheeks. Maura swiped at her face, brushing away fresh tear.

"Look at you, you're upset." Jane reached out to cup her face, then thought better of it. She lowered her hands to her sides. "I won't take advantage."

She didn't know why she was crying. The mixture of emotions spilled out over her cheekbones. Thoughts of sadness over Hope and Cailin merged with disappointment over Jane. A feeling she didn't expect, nor knew what to do with.

"I just need you, Jane."

"Then _Silver_." She breathed heavily, her face still so close that every breath tickled Maura's skin. "I can't do this to Silver."

"Oh."

Despite the small space between them, Jane's hands still gripped the sides of Maura's shoulders, holding her steady. She felt a tumbled mess of confusion. Maybe she shouldn't have kissed Jane, though it still didn't feel entirely wrong. Silver was a valid contributing factor, and one that she knew she couldn't ignore. As much as she wanted to.

"I don't want to be alone."

"You're not," Jane said, sliding her hands up and down Maura's shoulders. "I'm here, I'm always here, but _not like this_. We're friends, don't let your grief confuse you. Don't let me stupidly kissing you make you think there's something here that isn't."

Maura sighed, deep down she knew that what Jane said made sense. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I can't sleep in that room," Maura said, lowering her gaze.

"You wanna stay here?"

Maura nodded. Jane pulled her towards the small camp bed and watched her as she lay down on it. She wasn't ready to leave Hope's home. She wasn't ready to get on with life. Not really. It hurt too much to think about everything. Jane stepped away, but Maura tugged her back, not letting go of her hand.

"Stay with me, please."

"I was gonna sleep in the other room," Jane said.

"I know I shouldn't ask this of you," Maura said, staring up into Jane's eyes, letting her see every ounce of emotion inside of herself. "Please stay with me, here."

Scooting over a little, Jane climbed onto the tiny bed, squashing into what little space there was left.

Maura wrapped herself around her and pushed her face back against the familiar smelling skin she loved. "I just need to feel you close. Is this okay?"

"It's never not okay."

"Thank you," she whispered, clinging to her as a fresh wave of tears took hold.

x

Once the bags were loaded into the trunk of the cab, Maura wrapped her arms around Cailin's shoulders and held her tightly. She glanced behind her to Jane, who watched them, before Maura caught her eye. She looked away. Maura pulled out of Cailin's arms and stepped back.

"You are growing into a wonderful person, and I just know that Hope would be _so_ proud of you," she said, trailing her hands down to Cailin's. "Please, don't be a stranger. Call me any time, day or night, and as we discussed over breakfast, you're welcome to come and stay, for as long as you wish."

Holding back tears, Cailin nodded. "Thank you, for coming, for everything."

"Always," Maura said, wiping the fresh tears that escaped Cailin's eyes away until she cupped her cheeks. "Family will always come first."

"Call me when you land," Cailin said, her chest heaved with a heavy breath when Maura stepped away. The tears increased until her shoulder's shook with great gasping sobs.

"I'm sorry," Maura said, pulling her back into her arms. "I shouldn't be going, I'm so sorry that I have to."

"I understand why," she said.

Maura's heart broke with every movement of Cailin's body, every tear that fell flooded her heart with sadness and she doubted her reasons for leaving. Work did not matter enough, the pre-paid airfare paled in comparison to the suffering it caused.

"I could stay."

" _No_." Cailin shook her head. "I'll be okay. I'm going to miss you, but I'm going to be okay."

She stepped back, letting go of Maura's hand, as she put space between them. Maura watched her, cautiously aware of every movement she made. She hugged Jane, then stepped to one side to allow them both access to the cab.

"Look after her," Cailin said, her eyes narrowed a little in Jane's direction.

"I will," Jane said, running her hand along Cailin's shoulder. "You should visit soon, and if money's an issue, I'm sure we can work something out, right Maura?"

She nodded. "I'll pay."

Cailin rubbed at her eyes. "You should go before you miss your flight."

Jane opened the door and slid into the back seat. Maura hesitated, her eyes still fixed on Cailin. She shook her head. It hurt too much. After everything, she didn't think she'd ever feel that way about her sister. Now everything had changed. She stepped forward again and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

"I love you."

"I love you too," Cailin said, clutching her hand momentarily until Maura pulled it away and slid into the cab beside Jane.

She closed the door and wave through the window, her whole body felt like it was going to break as the cab set off and Cailin disappeared out of sight. She tried to stay calm, to focus on each and every breath, but the further they got from the house, the more fractured her breaths became.

"You'll see her soon," Jane said, grasping at her hand.

Maura clung to it. "I know."

x

"You really didn't have to pay for an upgrade," Jane said, taking her seat across the aisle from Maura.

"I wanted to."

"I didn't mind sitting in economy."

"Why should you have to sit in economy when I have the money for business class?"

Jane stared into Maura's eyes, hoping that the exact reason why she didn't think it was a good idea would pass across the void through some sort of osmosis. Maura looked back, as confused as she had been a moment ago. Jane stared harder.

"What is it, Jane?" she asked, exasperated.

She shook her head. "Nevermind."

She didn't dare bring it up. Not unless Maura actually understood, without her prompt, what she was trying to say. The kiss had stayed with her for longer than she'd anticipated, even longer than the one she'd accidentally made happen. When she kissed Maura, it was brief, it was barely anything. When Maura kissed Jane, it was tender, and deep; something much more substantial.

"I hope they haven't changed the movie list," she said, fastening her seatbelt and pulling out the entertainment system.

Before she had never considered Maura an option. She _wasn't_ an option. They were friends. She didn't even acknowledge the feelings she still harboured for women, not for a long time had she truly let herself feel the things that went on deep down inside. She'd gotten so good at hiding it, at pushing it down, she almost forgot what it was like to feel something for another woman.

Except Silver.

It was so difficult to see her relationship anymore. Deep down she knew that Maura was fragile, that she was unlikely to be thinking clearly, and as a result of her stupidity, maybe she was confusing that with Jane's recent coming out. Not that she even knew what she was coming out as. It wasn't that she didn't have feelings for Casey, or Dean. She loved them both, in some way, at some point in time.

"Maur?" Jane asked, several questions on the tip of her tongue.

"Yes?"

In an instant the questions vanished, dispersed in favour of some other time, another place. She smiled. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…getting there," she said. "I imagine once I'm back at work I'll feel better."

"You know where I am."

"I do."

She slipped her headphones over her ears and focused on the list of movies. She could pretend that Maura kissing her didn't matter, she could hide behind the idea that Maura didn't really know what she was doing, or imagine she was confused. But underneath it all, Jane knew what she'd always felt deep down.

 _Love_.

She had a vague memory of the early days of their friendship, when they were just work colleagues who planned to do something outside of work but never did. A vague recollections of thoughts that passed through her inhospitable mind demanding to be heard. Thoughts of a woman who talked about facts like they were snippets of passion, who could barely look her in the eye if she looked at her the wrong way, who she thought for the briefest moment that if things were different she would want to see what could happen between them.

She turned back to Maura, so focused in the medical journal she was still working through. She nibbled the end of a pen, scribbling brief notes in the corner of the page.

She smiled again, her eyelids fluttered, and her heart raced inside her chest. When exactly she had fallen for her, she didn't know. All she knew was that now, despite knowing that Maura was probably confused, she was so deep in it that she couldn't even see the surface anymore.

x

On the drive back from the airport, Jane sat up straight, her eyes ahead. An uncomfortable feeling settled within her. She didn't know how to act anymore. She didn't know if it was tiredness from travelling, or jetlag, or maybe she just didn't know how to deal with the fact that she loved Maura and she doubted just how deeply Maura felt back.

"Would you like to come back to my house?" Maura asked.

"No," Jane said, her voice colder than she intended. "Gonna go to bed."

"You should probably stay awake a few more hours, to get back into a proper routine."

Jane scoffed. "When have I ever had a proper routine? I get woken up at three in the morning to go look at a dead body."

Maura smiled. "That being so, to avoid the effects of jetlag, it's better to align yourself with the time zone in which you're in."

"Nah." Jane shrugged. "I just wanna sleep."

"You can stay in the spare room," Maura said.

"I want to go home."

"Okay."

Silence fell between them. Jane stole a glance at Maura, the look of disappointment in her eyes saddened her. She couldn't do it. She couldn't say yes. She needed space. After spending so long with her, she needed time away. To recollect her thoughts, and try to make sense of everything that had happened. Even if that meant disappointing Maura.

x

The difficulties Maura had had with social skills over the years meant she'd fought harder to understand them. That was why she knew exactly why Jane didn't want to come back to her house. Or at least, she thought she did. Since leaving Oxford, something had shifted. They were as friendly and cordial as ever on the flight, but the second they touched down at Logan International Airport, something changed.

"You're back!" Angela said, scooping Maura into her arms. She dropped her purse on the floor and succumbed to the comfort of her embrace. "Where's Jane?"

"At her apartment."

"What's she doing there?" she asked. "I wanted to see her."

"She was tired."

"She could sleep here."

"That's what I said."

"Must have wanted to catch up with Silver, I bet," Angela said, wiggling her eyebrows.

The thought had crossed her mind, then she pushed it away. She didn't know how she felt about that. Silver was a nice person, that much she knew. There was absolutely no reason why she should feel even an ounce of jealousy. Jane was right, she was just confused. Yet it lingered in the pit of her stomach like a tumour.

"Probably," she said.

"Would you like a coffee?" Angela asked, picking up the coffee pot. "I wanna hear all about Oxford. Did the funeral go okay?"

"The service was wonderful."

Maura sat at the counter, watching Angela as she made up a fresh batch of coffee. She asked questions, and Maura answered them. The usual exchange faded away with each and every word, as though her mind could no longer hold information. She felt tiredness lingering in her brain, and wished she wasn't so stringent about such things as evading jetlag. No doubt Jane would probably already be sleeping. She sat up a little straight, forcing her eyes open fully, as she continued to listen to Angela.

x

Unlocking the door to her apartment, Jane pushed her suitcase across the floor and dropped it beside the couch. She rubbed at her eyes, her arms slouched down in front of her as she trailed through toward the bedroom like a Neanderthal. When she opened the door, she stared a little wider.

"Silver, what you doing here?"

"When you said you were home I thought I'd come over."

"Oh."

"Is that okay?"

Jane looked into her eyes. Silver lay on the bed, wearing little more than her underwear, she stared back, her lip tucked seductively under her teeth.

"Fine," Jane said, stepping forward.

However deeply she felt for Maura, she still felt _something_ for Silver. They were still in a relationship. Jane threw herself down on the bed beside her. When she rested a hand on Silver's thigh, she leaned forward, closing the gap between them. Capturing her mouth, Silver lifted herself up and over Jane, straddling her. She lay back against the bedsheets, her mind tangled up with the need to quench her most basic desires, battling against the need for sleep.

"I've missed you," Silver said, peppering kisses along her collarbone, fighting fabric for access to her skin.

"Missed you too."

Jane lay under her, submissive to her every touch, to her lips trailing across every inch of her body. She undressed her slowly, teasing her with every item of clothing gone. Jane reacted to her touch, her breathing laboured. She lifted her hips to meet Silver's touch, a moan escaped her lips. She didn't fight it, she just let it happen, until all she could feel was the intensity of her orgasm followed by her mind shutting down completely.

* * *

 **Author Notes : Before you all get mad at me for Jane/Silver, there really is a lot for both Jane and Maura to sort out in their brains before they're going to be able to even think about being together. It would be unrealistic for Jane to jump Maura when she's in such a vulnerable place, even if Maura wanted her to, and so did my brain (camp bed sex didn't happen :( ). Jane needs to deal with everything whilst still being in a relationship with Silver, so give her some time.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Author Notes** **: Well I wasn't expecting that amount of reaction to the last chapter. Thanks a lot to everyone who faved/followed and/or reviewed. Contrary to the belief of some, I do not write for reviews, but of course it's lovely to receive them. This chapter took a turn I wasn't entirely expecting, the timeline on the loose plan I have keeps changing.**

* * *

 _"_ _Come on, Maura, you can do this," Jane said, holding Maura's hand._

 _She squeezed Jane's fingers, gripping tightly as her face contorted. The pain in Jane's hand was nothing compared to the work that Maura was doing. Jane smiled and watched her, spurring her on with every encouraging word._

 _"_ _Just one more push."_

 _Her hand ached from the pressure. Maura closed her eyes and opened her mouth, her face bright pink with the exertion. When the baby's cries filled the air, Maura lay back against the pillow, gasping for breath. Her grasp of Jane's hand loosened, but not fully removed._

 _"_ _Congratulations, Mommas, you have a boy," someone said, a faceless voice handed the baby over to Jane and she cradled him in her arms._

 _"_ _He's here," Jane whispered, staring up into Maura's eyes. Maura stared back, tears welled in her eyes. She lowered their son into Maura's arms and kissed her roughly on the lips, not stopping until she could barely breath. "I love you so much."_

"I love you," Jane said, opening her eyes, sitting up. She stared around the empty room, her chest heaved with heavy breath. "Maura?"

"No, it's Silver."

Jane twisted round on the bed. Silver sat beside her, cross legged, a crease formed between her eyebrows.

"Oh."

"You looked like you were having a nice dream," Silver said.

"Yeah," she said, shaking her head. She tried to brush the lingering feelings aside.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"Maybe later," Jane said, climbing off the bed. She didn't mean to sound so distant. "I need to take a leak."

In the bathroom, Jane stared into the mirror, her eyes were red. She rubbed them, then splashed cool water across her face. Every breath was one step closer to coming down from whatever it was that made it harder to breath. She could still see Maura clearly in her mind, holding their son. She wiped a towel across her cheeks and returned to the bedroom, then on out to the kitchen.

"I thought I'd make you some breakfast," Silver said, pushing a couple of slices of bacon around a frying pan.

Jane nodded. She slipped into a seat at the table and watched her. In everything, Silver had done nothing wrong. She cared for her, she wanted her to be happy, she just didn't know how to tell her that it would never be with her.

"What time is it?" Jane asked, then narrowed her eyes. "What day is it?"

"You slept right through, it's morning. You got back yesterday."

"Oh right."

"You mother called, wanted to know if you would like to have dinner with her tonight."

"I'll call her later," Jane said, running her hands across her face and staring down at the table.

"She invited me, too."

Jane looked up. "She did?"

"Yeah. I hope you don't mind."

"No," Jane said.

She shook her head. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. She didn't know what was supposed to happen. Everything inside of her pointed to Maura. Every feeling, every emotion.

"Silver," Jane said, the second she sat down opposite her. She reached a hand out and grasped Silver's.

"What is it?"

"I." The words caught in her throat. She stared down at the plate of bacon and eggs. "Thanks for this."

x

Maura placed a coffee cup in front of Angela, and sat down beside her. In the hours since arriving home, she was thankful for the company. Who she really wanted to spend her time with was Jane. She knew it was selfish, after all, they'd just spent days together. Besides, Jane needed time alone, time with her girlfriend.

"I wanted to invite you to dinner," Angela said. "Jane's bringing Silver over."

"Oh," Maura said, a niggling feeling crept up on her. "Then no."

"Why not?" Angela raised an eyebrow. "Don't you like Silver?"

"I don't really know her," Maura said. "She seems nice. I don't want to impose when you're meeting her. Would you like me to go out so you can have dinner here?"

"No, don't do that," Angela said. "This is your home. I don't want to kick you out of it."

"I don't mind."

"No. We can eat in the guest house."

"If that's what you want."

Relief overshadowed the niggling feeling. Despite knowing that Jane would be just across the driveway, Maura was glad she didn't need to be party to the situation. Besides, she had not quite reacclimatised yet. She planned to curl up with a new book on the couch, and have an early night.

"If you change your mind, you know where we are," Angela said.

"Thank you."

x

"What are you doing here?" Maura asked, snapping on a pair of gloves and walking across the football field.

"I was gonna ask you the same," Jane said, falling into step beside her. "You took today off."

"So did you."

"They called," Jane said. "I didn't wanna sit at home all day waiting for Silver to finish work."

"Likewise. I imagine Silver's glad to have you home."

"Yeah."

Approaching the centre of the field, Maura crouched down beside the body. A young man, wearing a football uniform, lay face down in the grass, with a large metal pole piercing his back. She checked him over for additional injuries, while a crime technician took photographs around her.

"The football coach called it in," Jane said. "He came out here this morning to make sure the field was ready for practice and found him here."

"It appears he was stabbed with a javelin," Maura said.

"Stabbed, or, you know, accidentally got in the way of a flying pole?"

Maura stood up. "I don't think I can answer that until autopsy. Do we have any witnesses that saw what happened?"

"No." Jane folded her arms across her chest. "Football coach claims everyone got changed after last night's game. There's no reason why a javelin should have even been removed from the storage room."

"Do you know who the victim is?"

"Joselin Evans. Weird thing is he isn't even on the football team."

"Let's get the body back to BPD," Maura said, signalling to the morgue technician. She wandered back across the field.

Jane wandered behind her. "You settle back in okay?"

"It's nice to be home," she said. "I called Cailin this morning, she's got a few things to tie up in Oxford. She's going to come over here in a couple of weeks."

"I'm glad," Jane said. "You deserve to have people around you."

"Maybe we can have drinks, tomorrow after work," Maura said. "We can talk about what we do next, with trying again."

"Yeah." Jane ran her hand across Maura's shoulder. "Okay.

x

The CCTV footage played out on the large monitor in the BRIC. Maura watched Nina expertly enhance the footage, until they could see a person as clear as possible on the screen.

"That's definitely the victim," Maura said. "You said there was evidence to suggest he was murdered?"

"Not evidence exactly," Nina said, pointing to the screen. "But if you look over here, you can see that the victim appears to have some sort of disability."

"He's limping, that ties in with the bruising I found on his lower leg. I found no evidence of a permanent disability. The bruising suggests he was physically assaulted."

"Could they have killed him?"

"The evidence suggests he may have been murdered," Maura said. "The javelin severed his spinal cord. There is some scarring around the injury site which suggests it was not an accident. The javelin was not thrown; it was likely pushed into his back."

"I still have a couple hours of footage to look through," Nina said. "I'll let you know if I find anything. I'm hoping we'll be able to catch someone taking the javelin out of the storage room."

"Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Maura walked towards the doorway, then turned back. "Nina, could I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How has Jane been today?"

Nina frowned. "She seems fine."

"She seems fine, or she says she's fine?"

Nina laughed. "She says she's fine. I'm not so sure. She seems a little sad."

"Thank you," Maura turned back to the door.

"Maura?"

"Yes," she stopped and face Nina again.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm…for want of a better word, fine."

"It takes time," she said. "Losing someone close. Especially when it's unexpected."

"It does. Thank you for asking."

"Maybe we could get a drink sometime, if you wanted. As two people who know what it's like to lose someone they love."

"That would be nice. Maybe in a couple of days."

Nina nodded. "Is everything okay with Jane?"

"I think," Maura said. "But I fear something I did may have contributed to her being 'fine'."

"If there's anything I can do to help," Nina said, trailing off.

"I think this is something only Jane and I can sort out between ourselves, but I appreciate the offer."

x

"More wine?" Angela asked, lifting up the bottle.

"Yes, thanks," Silver said, holding her glass out.

"So, tell me, Silver, are you gonna break my baby's heart?"

"Ma!" Jane said. She shook her head and held Angela's gaze. If anyone was going to break anyone's heart, she didn't expect it would be Silver. "Do you have to?"

"What? I'm trying to look out for you."

Silver smiled, took a sip of wine, and placed her glass back down on the table. "I can assure you, Mrs Rizzoli, I care for your daughter very much. I don't intend to hurt her."

Jane stared down at her hands. She rubbed at her scars, seeking the relief that that usually brought. It didn't work. She rubbed harder until her palms ached.

"Enough of the Mrs Rizzoli," Angela said. "That loser ex-husband of mine has no place in this conversation, and calling me Mrs Rizzoli makes it seem like I'm still married."

"It's your name," Jane said, rolling her eyes.

"So? Maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe I should go back to my maiden name."

They were Rizzolis. It was all Jane knew. In some ways she didn't like the idea of her mother having a different last name. Though, really, deep down, she didn't really mind. Her father had treated her badly, and she didn't know why Angela hadn't done it sooner.

"Why would you wanna do that?" she asked, irritability seeping into her words.

"Hey, if it works for Jennifer Aniston," Silver said.

"Exactly," Angela said, holding her hand out in front of her. "Silver understands."

Jane sat back in her seat and forked a green bean into her mouth. She pushed the remainder of her food about on her plate, uneaten. The dinner was going better than she could have expected. Silver and her mother were getting along just fine. Except that seeing it happen made her feel anything but okay.

"You've got a good one here, Janie," Angela said, smiling. "Silver's wonderful. Why didn't you bring her over for dinner sooner?"

"I dunno."

"What's gotten into you this evening?" Angela asked. "You've got a face like a wet fourth of July."

"I'm fine."

"Did you ever notice how much my daughter says she's fine?"

"All the time!"

"It started when she was seven. She got hit in the face by a baseball and I don't think she ever got over it."

Jane rolled her eyes and buried her face in her arms. "Ma, do you always have to tell stories?"

"She got a bloody nose, you can still see a scar on the left hand side if you look closely enough. She cried for hours. We tried everything; ice cream, pizza. She wouldn't stop. Wouldn't even go to the bathroom until she wet her panties and I had to take her."

"Ma! Seriously, stop talking."

"She was irritable because she was tired, just like now," Angela said, staring at Jane. She sighed.

"Probably jetlag," Silver said, sliding a hand across Jane's thigh. She jumped under her touch, and pushed her hand away. Silver's eyes narrowed in Jane's direction, before she forced a smile back onto her face.

"You should take her home," Angela said.

Silver nodded. "After dessert, I wouldn't want to miss out on what looks like an _amazing_ chocolate cake. You are a fantastic chef."

"Please," Angela said, shrugging. "I'm not a brilliant chef, I just make nice food."

"You must give me the recipe."

"I'll take a copy and give it to Jane."

Jane watched, her eyes danced back and forth between her mother and her girlfriend. They smiled, and laughed, and joked. The result of the dinner was what anybody could want from meet the parents. But the whole thing just felt sour in Jane's mouth.

"If you like good food you should try the Italian on Berkshire," Angela said. "They make the best gnocchi this side of Rome."

"I love gnocchi!" Silver said. "Hey, Jane, we should go there next week."

She nodded, forging a smile. They just kept talking, chatting, getting along. Every word that passed between them built up and up until Jane couldn't listen to it any longer. She stood up and tossed her napkin on top of her plate.

"I need some air."

Outside the guest house, Jane stood in Maura's garden, staring out across the cut lawn and array of flowers. She looked up at the main house. Maura was so close, and yet so far away. She half expected her to be invited to dinner, too. That was the kind of thing her mother would do. She closed her eyes and imagined she was back in Oxford, stood in Hope's garden with Maura by her side. Nothing made sense anymore. The night was perfect, it was everything it should have been. She should have been happy.

"What was that?" Silver asked, walking up beside her. She reached out to Jane's hand, but she pulled it away. "And what was _that_?"

"Nothing," she said, clearing her throat.

"You were completely rude in there."

"Why? Because I walked out while you and Ma were swapping recipes, restaurant recommendations and my _most embarrassing moments_?"

"Because your mother went to all that trouble to make us dinner and you barely ate, you sat and you criticised."

"That's how we do it," Jane said, standing a little taller. "You don't know our relationship."

"I know that you should go in there and apologise to her."

"Back off, Silver," Jane said, turning to face her. The second their eyes locked, Jane lowered her gaze.

"Look at me," Silver said, stepping forward. She rested her fingers against Jane's chin. She lifted her gaze back onto Silver's, then on up towards the sky. "Why won't you look at me?"

"I can't."

"Jane."

"I'm going home," she said, pushing past her and out across the driveway.

Jane didn't want to do this. Not here. Not so close to Maura. She could hear Silver's shoes tapping across the concrete, following her towards the car. She fumbled in her pocket for her key and unlocked the door.

"You can't walk away from this."

"I don't want to talk right now," Jane said, gritting her teeth.

"Is this how you deal with conflict, Jane?"

"No, it's not."

She turned around and caught Silver's gaze. Despite everything, she still liked her. She stared into her eyes, into the softness, into the kindness.

"I'm sorry."

"Talk to me," Silver said, cupping her cheek. "We're in this together. Don't shut me out."

Leaning closer, Jane brushed her lips against Silver, pushing her tongue into her mouth as she intensified the embrace. Silver reacted. She wrapped her arms around Jane and they kissed, fumbling in the dark, their hands travelled across clothed skin. For the briefest second, Silver melted away, merging with Maura, until Jane felt herself react to her touch.

"No," Jane said, pushing her away. Silver pulled her back in, tugging at her shirt, reaching out to her mouth. Jane pushed her again. "Stop."

"Please, Jane," Silver said, attempting once more. "If we just forget about talking, maybe we can work through this."

Jane turned her around and kissed her again, pushing her against the car. She tangled her fingers up in her hair, searching for something she struggled to find. Her other hand skirted around the bottom of her dress. It would be so easy to push through, to allow her body to react and do the work. But it wasn't right. It wasn't okay. She stepped back.

"I can't," she whispered, brushing a tear away before it could stroll down her cheek.

"What's wrong? You can't just kiss me then tell me you can't. Talk to me." Silver tugged at Jane's fingers, pulling them into her hands.

"I can't," Jane said, retrieving her fingers, holding her hands up at both sides. "I don't want to. I don't wanna do this anymore."

Silver lowered her arms down by her side. Jane watched her clutch the edge of her dress. "Don't want to do what?"

"This. _Us_."

"Oh." Silver narrowed her eyes, her voice barely audible. "Why?"

"Does there have to be a reason?"

"I _need_ a reason."

"I can't give you one."

"Don't do this, Jane," she said, stepping forward again.

She reached up and tried to kiss her again, but Jane lowered her head. She couldn't pretend that she wasn't confused about Maura. She had to be honest, even if that meant breaking her heart.

"I can't be with you. Please don't make this harder than it needs to be. Having time away allowed me to think things through, and this isn't what I want."

"But we were good together. You brought me to meet your mother."

"You brought yourself," Jane said, wiping fresh tears from the edge of her chin. "I didn't invite you to dinner. _She_ did."

"But you said it was okay."

"It _wasn't_."

" _I see_."

Jane closed her eyes. "I like you Silver, I do. I just can't be with you. I don't wanna hurt you, that's why I'm trying to be honest."

"Too late."

The tapping of Silver's shoes echoed off into the distance. When Jane opened her eyes, the street was empty.

* * *

 **Author Notes** **: There we go...that's what everyone wants, really...I hope it's to your satisfaction...**


	14. Chapter 14

**Author Notes : My heart bleeds today. Hate breeds hate, and there is no place in this world for homophobic (or any other kind of) terrorism. I'm sure you all stand with me in grief, and in sorrow, over the lost LGBT lives (and the lives of anyone from outside the community who also died). Though the atrocity affects more than the LGBT community, I feel it so deeply in my soul, because killing someone for their sexuality feels so much closer to home. I am sad, and I am angry, but I am also thankful that I get to live another day. Love yourself, love the people around you, and please, please, stay safe out there.**

* * *

Angela ran a hand through Jane's hair, brushing it away from her face. She repeated the action. Jane sunk against her mother. Tears flowed down her cheeks like waterfalls breaking their way through small caverns. She opened her mouth to speak, only for the salty tears to coat her lips. She closed it again.

"I'm so sorry, Janie," Angela whispered, her methodical voice relaxing her enough to regain some of her composure. Jane burrowed her face against her mother's shoulder and clung to her.

"She didn't deserve it," Jane said, breathing heavily. "I hurt her. I shouldn't have hurt her."

"If it wasn't right, what else could you do?" Angela asked.

Jane shook her head. "It wasn't right. I liked her, a lot, but it was never gonna last forever. I couldn't do it to her, Ma. I couldn't keep it going longer, not if it meant hurting her more."

"It's okay to be upset. She was your first proper girlfriend. It's okay to cry."

"We never talked about if we were girlfriends, we didn't label it. But it's my fault she's angry."

"That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Jane asked, pulling away. "You liked her. You got along real well."

"The only thing I want is for you to be happy," Angela said. "If Silver isn't gonna make you happy then I support your decision."

"What if I've made a horrible mistake?" Jane wiped at her cheeks. "What if she was it for me, Ma? What if I don't get another shot at happiness?"

Angela wrapped both hands around Jane's face. "Why wouldn't you? You're a smart, funny, amazing woman. I'm not just saying that cause I'm your mother. You are a great person, Jane Rizzoli. Don't you forget that."

Closing her eyes, Jane settled herself against her mother's shoulder once more. She felt safe, like any consequence couldn't touch her when she was in her mother's arms. Thoughts of Silver disappeared on her tears, replaced with thoughts of Maura. Fresh tears coursed their way down previously carved paths.

"I love her, Ma," Jane said, her shoulders shook. "I love her and I don't know what to do."

"Silver?"

"Maura."

"Oh." Angela loosened her grip a little. "I didn't realise."

"What if she'll never see me that way?" Jane asked. "Something happened in Oxford, and I don't know if she was just grieving or if she meant it."

"Did you talk to her?"

"No," Jane said. "Not yet. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to tell her how I feel."

"There's no rush. You just take your time."

x

The pile of papers on Maura's desk had grown taller since the day before. She took off a couple of sheets and focused on them, one at a time, until the pile shrunk a little. Grief still lived in her heart, consuming as much of her energy as it liked, and dragging her back into a place where she didn't want to be.

"Got the results back on the strand of hair found on Joselin Evans' body," Kent said, entering the office. Maura sighed and accepted yet another piece of paper. "You look tired."

"I'll be fine," Maura said. She placed the paper in front of her and scanned its contents. "Are we any closer to getting back the DNA results in the O'Malley case?"

"I spoke to the lab this morning, they're backed up." Maura opened her mouth to speak, then stopped when Kent raised a hand in front of him. "I've put pressure on them, they're doing their best. Besides, there's plenty of work to do on the Evans case while we wait."

"Thank you, Kent," Maura said. He smiled and backed out of the office.

Maura refocused her attention on her paperwork. She slipped the fibre sample into the correct case file. She clicked on her emails and awaited any new ones sitting in her inbox. Still focused on her laptop, a shadowed moved over her.

"Not now, Kent," she said.

"Not Kent," Jane said, her tone low and empty.

Maura glanced up. "Jane, I didn't hear the sound of your shoes."

"Wearing my sneakers," she said. Circles gathered below her eyelids, concerning Maura.

"Why?"

"Didn't go home after dinner last night."

"You stayed at the guest house?" Maura asked. "I didn't realise."

Jane shrugged. The nonchalance filled her with a sense of dread. Something wasn't right. Maura stood up, her eyes fixed on Jane's until she looked away.

"Are you okay?" Maura walked around the edge of her desk and stopped in front of Jane. "You don't look okay."

"I'm fine," Jane said, holding her hands up in front of her before Maura could reach out to her. She backed away. Jane turned to face the doorway.

"Forgive me if I don't believe you," Maura said. She reached her hand out and rested it against Jane's shoulder. "Please talk to me."

"I ended it with Silver."

"Right."

Words dispersed into the silence that followed. Maura searched her mind for something to say. She squeezed her fingers tightly around Jane's shoulder and edged a little closer. So close she could almost see Jane's hairs on end as she breathed against the side of her neck.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Jane said, running the back of her hand along her cheek. "Do you have anything on the case?"

"Here," Maura said, handing her the case file.

"Thanks." Jane turned and walked towards the door. "Catch you later."

x

The office emptied until Jane was the only person left, she stared at the case file in front of her, scanning the document for what felt like the sixtieth time. Nothing was going in, and she knew she should just go home. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to sit at home, alone, wondering what to do with the rest of her life.

"I thought we were going for drinks," Maura said, approaching her desk.

Jane glanced up, forging a smile. "Hey, Maura. I forgot."

"You're upset about Silver."

"Yeah."

"Would it help to drink beer and talk?" Maura asked.

Jane shrugged. "I guess so."

She sat back in her chair and stared at Maura. That was why she cared about her so much. She was there, she was always there, no matter how low and moody she got, Maura never left her side.

"Let's go," Jane said, standing up and grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair.

x

Two glasses of wine and four bottles of beer later, the light returned to Jane's eyes as she talked animatedly about something Tommy did when he was younger. Maura listened, taking in every word, but mostly listening to the sound of her voice.

"He had no idea," she said, swigging back another mouthful of beer.

"Now probably isn't a good time to talk about trying again," Maura said. "Maybe we could wait for a while. See how you feel in a few weeks."

"Nah," Jane said, shaking her head. "Don't let me stop it from happening."

"Neither of us are in a very good place right now."

"Okay. Whatever you want to do."

Maura watched her eyes dart back and forth, her lips move with every word that escaped her mouth. Something had been playing on her mind all day, and she couldn't hold it back much longer.

"Did you end your relationship with Silver because of me? Because of what happened in Oxford?"

"No, Maura," Jane said, her eyebrows creased together.

"Then why?"

"I told you, I don't see a future with her." She swirled the beer around inside its bottle. "Why prolong the inevitable?"

"I'm sorry," she said, bowing her head. "I know you liked her."

"I did." Jane shrugged. "It wasn't fair to her. I've made mistakes and I can't take them back. I couldn't do it anymore. She deserves to be happy. I want her to be happy."

"That's very honourable of you."

Jane sighed. "There's nothing honourable about hurting someone."

"You did it for the right reasons."

"I need to go," Jane said, finishing off her bottle of beer and standing up. "I'm not good company tonight."

"You're fine," Maura said, standing up opposite her.

Jane stepped away. "Sorry."

"Jane," Maura said, blocking her path. She gripped the edge of Jane's shoulders. "Please. I want to be here for you."

"I know, I just need to be by myself," she said, her voice small and weak. "I'm sorry."

Maura's arms dropped by her sides as Jane walked away, her heart heavy. She wanted to comfort her. She wanted to be the person Jane needed. But she could only do so much. Maura slipped back into the booth and nursed her glass of wine; so much had happened in the last two weeks, she didn't know how much more she could take.

"You want another glass?" Angela asked, approaching the table.

"No, thank you." Maura handed the glass to Angela, followed by a couple of notes, and stood up. "I should go."

x

"Thanks for coming," Jane said, sitting down in her usual booth at the Dirty Robber. Morning sun shone in through the windows. "Beer?"

"No, too early, thanks," Silver said.

She looked up at Jane, her eyes fixed, a harsh expression on her face. Jane's heart ached. She could still remember the soft smile that lingered on her face when they were together, the feel of her hands on her skin. A wave of emotions cut through any confidence she had.

"Well?"

"Silver," Jane whispered. She grasped at her fingers. Silver tugged them back. "I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve this. The way I behaved the other night was out of line. I wanted to clear the air."

"There's nothing to say."

"There is." Silver shrugged and waited, staring at Jane, until she finally opened her mouth to speak again. "I didn't want to hurt you. You know that, right? I did care about you, I still do. I want you to be happy and I know I can't be the person to make that happen."

Silver's steely glare softened. She lowered her gaze and picked up Jane's hand, holding it in her own. "I know. It hurts. But I know."

Jane covered Silver's hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. "Before I met you, I thought I'd never rediscover part of myself. It's because of you that I'm finally able to be me. That means more than you could ever know."

"Was there anything I did," Silver whispered. "Anything I could have done to change where we are."

Jane shook her head. "I don't wanna sound like a cliché, but it's not about you. You were kind, and you were patient. I'll never forget that. This is about me sorting some shit out, trying to make sense of feelings I didn't know I had."

"There's someone else?"

Lowering her gaze, Jane pondered telling her everything, for the sake of honesty. "No. Not like that. She isn't gay, she isn't bi, she's…probably always gonna be a friend."

"But you want more."

"I'm sorry." Jane squeezed her hand tighter. "I didn't want this to happen, I didn't know it was going to. If things were different."

"I know," Silver said. She stood up and walked around the booth, placing a hand on either side of Jane's face. She leaned down and brushed her lips against Jane's. "I know it didn't last long, and we didn't really talk about what it was, but I think I could have really loved you."

"Me too," Jane said, covering her hands and holding them there. A lump settled in the back of her throat. In some ways she wanted to ask to stay in touch, but she knew deep down it wouldn't happen. "I'm sorry."

"So am I," Silver said, kissing her once more on the forehead before walking away.

Jane sat in silence, resting her head in her hands. She listened to Silver's shoes clack across the floor, the door swung open and closed behind her, the sound of conversation across the bar. Sadness filled her, dancing with the guilty and pain she'd caused. Maybe now she could find a way to move on.

x

Wrapping her arms around Cailin's shoulders, Maura pulled her into a long embrace. She found comfort, a mutual understanding, in her arms. She pulled back and ran a hand across her face.

"It is so good to see you."

"I'm glad I came," Cailin said, wrapping an arm around Maura's neck and pulling her back in close. "Staying at Mom's house was suffocating. I needed a break, I needed to not be surrounded by her things."

"Maybe I can come back with you," Maura said. "Help you sort everything out."

"I'd rather not think about that right now."

"Of course." Maura brushed Cailin's hair back from her face. "We have a lot to catch up on."

Once Cailin had settled into the spare room, and unpacked, Maura ordered Chinese takeout and sat down on the couch to eat.

"How is your studying going?" Maura asked, swallowing a mouthful.

"Good." Cailin scooped noodles out of the container with chopsticks. "Medical school is harder than I thought it would be."

"It's challenging," Maura said. "But I think you can handle it. Do you know your specialism yet?"

"I was hoping to become a surgeon, though recently I've been considering neurology."

"Because of Hope?" Cailin nodded. "Both would be worthy options, and I know that the option you choose, you will do brilliant at."

"I hope so." She lifted the noodles into her mouth, chewed and swallowed. Maura nibbled at a dumpling. "What's it like, being a medical examiner?"

"It's," Maura paused, lowering the dumpling into the container. Nobody ever asked her about her work, not from the point of view Cailin had. "It is very rewarding to piece together the puzzle of someone's final moments, and give the family some peace."

Cailin smiled. "Do you fear death?"

Maura narrowed her eyes. "That's a very pertinent question."

"People don't wish to talk to me about our mother's death," she said. "They look uncomfortable, if I say anything more than 'I'm fine'. They're training to be doctors and it scares them. Do you get that?"

"I am lucky to be surrounded by people who understand death from another perspective," she said. "Once you're working out of a hospital, you'll find more people who understand. As to whether I'm afraid of dying; no. I do not feel fear for my demise. What I fear is not doing all of the things that matter to me before I do."

"Yeah," Cailin said. "That makes sense."

"Do you?" Maura asked, the crease between her eyebrows deepened. "You've probably come far closer to it than I have, personally."

"Yeah. I, I don't know how I feel. Some days it scares the hell out of me, other days I think it wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't have to suffer the pain of losing Mom, I wouldn't have to worry about whether your kidney will keep me going for the rest of my life."

"You have your whole life ahead of you," Maura said, reaching out to her wrist. "Even with a single kidney. I hope you won't dwell too much on the fear."

"I'm trying." Cailin placed the container on the coffee table in front of her. "It helps knowing I have you."

Maura smiled and returned to her dumpling. For the first time since meeting Cailin a few years back, she actually felt comfortable with her. Something had shifted, their shared grief had united them, and Maura felt eternally grateful for the opportunity to get to know her sister.

"Did you and Jane sort things out?"

"Sort what out?" Maura asked.

"The kiss."

Remembering what happened and talking about it were worlds apart. In the darkness of her bedroom, alone, all she could think about was what she'd done and how much of a mistake it felt in that moment. She'd barely seen Jane in two weeks, aside from work related situations. She missed her. She only hoped that Jane's avoidance was more to do with the end of her relationship with Silver, and not about Maura herself.

"We've been too busy to discuss it," Maura said. "It's been an unusually high couple of weeks for unexplained deaths."

"Has she said anything?" Cailin put her empty container on the table and leaned back against the couch. "Or have you guys just not talked about it?"

Maura leaned back, beside her. "She split up with her girlfriend."

"That's something," Cailin said, sitting upright. She tucked a leg under her knee, her body twisted toward Maura. "Did she say why?"

"I asked her if it was because of me."

"Because she kissed you."

"Because I kissed her," Maura said, glancing briefly at Cailin, before looking away.

She moved further forward. "You kissed Jane? When? Why? And why haven't you told me about it sooner?"

"Yes I kissed her." She sighed. "On the last night in Oxford. I was upset. I didn't deem it worth discussing. I don't really know why I did it."

Cailin raised an eyebrow. "No clue at all?"

"I surmise it was probably related to my grief."

Cailin narrowed her eyes. "I don't believe you."

"Why wouldn't you?" Maura asked. "You have no reason to think otherwise."

"It's not just Jane, is it?"

"What isn't?"

"Jane isn't the only one who has feelings."

Maura sighed again. "I do not know that Jane has feelings for me, and I certainly don't know that I do, either."

"Do you think about her?" Maura nodded. "About kissing her?"

"I think about the kiss in Oxford."

"Have you thought about doing it again?"

"I," Maura paused. Yes, she had. "I don't know."

"Come on, Maura," she said. "I know you're not very good at the social thing but you should at least know your own feelings."

"I haven't allowed myself to think about it."

Cailin rolled her eyes. "Per-lease. Like it's that easy. I've been taking a psych class and we've talked a lot about visualisation. How about we try it?"

Maura stared at her, her eyebrows raised. She didn't anticipate any amount of visualisation would help.

"Close your eyes." Maura sighed and followed her instructions. "I want you to think about your future, about your career, about family, about everything you want out of the next ten years. Do you have an image?"

Allowing her mind to drift off into the distance, Maura focused on her desires. She already knew she wanted a family, and her plan with Jane only sought to make that happen.

"What's happening in your job?"

"I'd like to retire early, perhaps when I reach fifty. I've made enough money so that I can live comfortably. I'd like to focus on charity work, maybe take another trip overseas. Perhaps after a couple of years off, I could teach part time. I'd like to be part of helping young minds to discover the wonders of the human body, and the excitement of untangling the puzzle of criminal cases."

"You're going to retire, then go back to work?" Cailin laughed. "You're as much of a workaholic as Mom, aren't you?"

"I enjoy my work."

"What about family?"

Breathing in and out slowly, Maura tried to find the piece of the puzzle that was her future family. "I see you and I spending time together, lunches, vacations. You have a family of your own, if that's what you want, and I have a child."

"Is there anyone by your side?"

Without hesitation, Maura whispered "Jane."

She sat upright and opened her eyes. "That doesn't mean anything."

"I beg to differ," Cailin said. "You clearly see Jane in your future."

"Jane and I are planning to co-parent a child together," she said. "That is why I envisage Jane in my future. She's a very good friend, and we're going to share a child."

Cailin's mouth dropped open, her eyes wide. "You're going to have a child together?"

"Yes," Maura said, the expression on her face puzzled her. "Is there a problem?"

"Friends don't co-parent."

"I don't see why not."

Cailin shook her head. "You're totally in denial."

"I am not," Maura said.

The suggestion that she was irked her somewhat. Her feelings for Jane were...complicated. That being said, when she recalled the visualisation, she could see no significant other in her future. Only Jane. Cailin stared at her, which only sought to anger her a little. She didn't appreciate her pushing her to feel something that she wasn't sure she felt. Besides, Jane had not made her own feelings known. Even if she did feel something, Cailin's suggestion that Jane felt something in return were completely unfounded.

"Please, can we stop discussing my relationship with Jane. How about you, do you have a significant other?"

"Deflection," Cailin said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm currently unattached."


	15. Chapter 15

**Author Notes : Thank you all for your interest and comments, etc. on the last chapter. I've been feeling really sad the last couple of days so it's taken me a little longer to finish this chapter than I would have liked.**

* * *

Standing in front of Jane's desk, Maura placed her hands on her hips and stared. It took almost five minutes, and a smirk from Korsak, for Jane to respond. She glanced up, her eyes as tired as they had been a couple of weeks ago. She stared back, not quite focusing on Maura. Her heart sunk.

"We're going for coffee," Maura said, wrapping a hand around Jane's arm and tugging gently until she responded.

"I don't wanna go for coffee," Jane said, untangling her arm and sitting herself firmly back down on her chair. "We have a case."

"You always have a case," Maura said. "All cases can wait for you to finish drinking a cup of coffee. I'm sure Korsak can hold the fort."

He didn't respond, despite watching their every move. Maura cleared her throat and glared at him. "Yes, I can hold down the fort. Take a break, Rizzoli."

She turned back to her computer. "I'm fine."

"You've worked your ass off for two weeks straight," Korsak said. "I don't wanna see you for the rest of the day."

"No," Jane said.

"Are you disobeying direct orders, Detective Rizzoli?" He stood up, folded his arms across his chest and stepped toward her.

Jane rolled her eyes. "You're a pussy cat, Korsak. Don't play Sergeant with me."

"Then I'm gonna have to impose a leave of absence on you."

"What?" Jane stood up, her arms outstretched at her sides. "Why?"

"You look like shit. I didn't wanna tell you that because you're obviously dealing with something, but enough is enough. Maura wants to buy you a coffee, so let her buy you a damn coffee."

Picking up her jacket, Jane walked slowly across the room, her arms trailed by her sides. Maura smiled at Korsak, thankful for his insistence. It hurt to know that it took such brute force for Jane to finally spend some time with her.

By the elevator, Maura turned to Jane, her smile wide and hopeful. "Since you have the rest of the day off, how about we get lunch?"

"No, thanks."

Maura sighed. "You make it really hard for people to love you."

"Thanks, Maura." Jane rolled her eyes, sarcasm laced her voice. "I'm going home."

"You're not coming for coffee?"

"No."

The elevator doors opened. Maura stepped forward, Jane at her side. Once the doors closed around them, she turned to face her.

"I know what happened with Silver is really hurting you," Maura said.

Jane gritted her teeth. "I'm fine. It's not about Silver."

Maura shook her head. "Now you're lying to me and I do not appreciate that. This is what I mean when I said you make it difficult for people to love you. I am here for you. I want to be here to support you. You're make it really hard for me to do that. You act like nothing affects you, that it's fine."

"It is fine."

"What Korsak said was the most accurate description I can think of," Maura said. "You look like shit."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Did you just say that?"

Ignoring Jane's surprise over her use of the vernacular, Maura persevered. "I know you well enough to know that you are not fine. You're like a duck; still above the water but paddling so fast underneath. Why won't you let me help you?"

"Cause I don't need help," Jane said, marching through the doors the second they opened. Maura struggled to keep up, her high heels not suitable for the fast pace at which Jane moved through the exit.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jane."

"Whoopee," Jane said.

Maura sighed. "Whatever is wrong, that is no reason to be rude to me. Just stop."

She continued walking down the street and away from the police department. Maura rushed along behind her, not wanting to lose her in the small crowd. She'd waited for two weeks, she'd given her space. Enough was enough. If she had to follow her all the way home, she would do.

"Please," Maura said, her voice strained. "Just stop."

Lowering her head, Jane stopped walking. Maura walked around to stand in front of her, to look her in the eye. Jane lifted her gaze, her eyes fixed on Maura's.

"Now what?" Jane asked, shrugging.

"Please let me be here for you."

"What's the point?"

Maura frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Talking to you won't change what's happening, it won't fix anything."

"Maybe it will help you feel better, to share what's going on."

Jane sighed. She clenched her fists at her sides. When she looked up again, she looked more fragile than Maura had ever remembered seeing her. "I'm gay, Maura."

A smile crept across Maura's face. She picked up her hand and lifted it up. "Is that why you've been hiding away recently?"

"Is that all you've gotta say?"

"There's nothing else to say," Maura said. "You're still Jane. Whether you identify as gay, or bisexual, or straight, it doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're happy."

"I wish I felt that way."

Letting go of Jane's hand, Maura gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "What's the problem?"

"I have to tell people."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "Who says?"

"Now I know, I'm gonna have to tell other people. It's what people do, ain't it? I'm supposed to come out and tell the world that I, Jane Clementine Rizzoli, am a great big raging lesbian."

"Do you want to do that?"

"No." Jane shrugged. "I don't wanna have to tell people. It's none of their fucking business."

"Then you don't have to tell them."

"But," Jane began, before trailing off.

Maura ran her hand along Jane's shoulder. "You have reached a really significant place, you've realised who you are. I know that's scary. I know the thought of telling people is terrifying. You are the only person who matters in this, Jane. If you want to tell someone, tell them. If you don't, then don't. Nobody can make you."

"I guess."

"I am so proud of you," she said, wrapping her hands around Jane's back and pulling her in tightly.

"Thanks, Maur."

Maura stepped back, holding her at arm's length. "Is this really why you've been avoiding me?"

"I needed to work through it."

"You don't have to do that alone," Maura said, squeezing her shoulder. "You're not alone. You do know that, don't you?"

She smiled, a little light shined in her eyes. "Yeah. I know."

"Lunch?" Maura asked. Jane nodded.

x

Jane felt lighter. Despite her feelings about her sexuality still bottled up inside, she felt relieved to have shared them with Maura. She missed her. The last couple of weeks had been made up of work, eating, sleeping, and generally trying to avoid the thoughts that plagued her at two in the morning. She didn't think she'd be able to cope with another two weeks without her.

"We need to try again," Jane said, lay on Maura's couch.

"For a baby?" Maura asked, placing a cup of coffee on the table for Jane and carrying her own across to the chair beside her.

Jane turned her head to face Maura. "Yeah. I feel like everything's been getting in the way lately. My shit shouldn't be delaying this."

"I'd need to redo the math on when I'm ovulating."

"Let's do it now," Jane said, sitting up and clapping her hands together.

Maura raised an eyebrow. "You...wanna do math?"

"I wanna find out how soon I can knock you up."

"A week Tuesday," Maura said.

Jane frowned. "See, this is why you're the brains and I'm the brawn. I cannot do math that quickly."

"You're the brawn?" Maura asked. "I'd like to test that theory."

"You challenging my brawn-ness?"

"Maybe."

Jane stood up, her coffee abandoned as she walked across to the dining table. "Arm wrestle, right now."

"Only if you agree to do an IQ test," Maura said.

"Why?"

"I've always wondered what your IQ is, ever since you said you got into BCU. You may have chosen the physicality of being a police officer in young adulthood, but as an adult you're solving complex crimes."

"I'm no genius, Maur. Not like you," Jane said. "I'm not gonna be any sort of competition."

"No, maybe not, but I'd still like to know. Brains versus brawn."

"'K," Jane said, sitting down. Maura walked across the room and sat down beside her. "Doesn't really matter what my IQ is, baby's gonna have your brains."

Resting her elbow on the table, Maura clenched her hand. "It doesn't matter that the baby will not have your genes, he or she will still likely end up following baseball."

"He'd better do," Jane said. "Ready? One, two, three. Go."

Pushing with all her strength, Jane stared into Maura's eyes. She focused all of her attention on her whilst putting everything she had into wrestling her arm. If anyone had walked in, it might have looked just as much a staring competition as an arm wrestle. Jane swallowed, her throat was dry. She couldn't remember if she'd ever stared into her eyes for such a long time before. All she saw staring back was Maura's kindness, her sweet, loving self, in those beautiful hazel eyes. Jane tucked her lip into her mouth to stop her from licking her lips.

"You're good," Jane said. "Guess our kid won't have to worry about lack of strength."

"I ensure I remain in good physical health, not least so that if I was ever attacked I would be able to get away."

"That's a lesson our kid will need," Jane said. "If they get it from me it'll be punch first, think later."

With every second that passed by, the harder it was to retain full physical strength. Jane felt her arm weaken and with the briefest slip in concentration, Maura pushed her hand down against the table. Jane stared at her, her mouth agape.

"You beat me."

Maura smiled. "I anticipate if we did a complete full body workout, you would pip me to the post."

"Wouldn't count on it," Jane said. "I eat too many burgers."

"You're very strong," Maura said. "I imagine if we were to repeat this exercise on several different occasions, you would beat me overall."

"Maybe."

"I didn't do the math that quickly," Maura said. "I've been keeping track of my ovulation periods, ready for when we try again."

Jane returned to the couch, she lay back down. "That's alright, I let you win."

"Did you really?" Maura asked, walking back across the room.

Jane pouted. "No."

"Move over," Maura said, standing over her.

"No."

"No?"

"You didn't say please."

"Please, move over," Maura said.

Jane sat up. Maura slipped onto the couch beside her. Leaning back again, Jane rested her head against Maura's lap.

"This okay?" she asked, rolling onto her side.

"Yes," Maura said. "It's okay."

x

A couple of hours later, Maura stroked Jane's hair back from her face, absentmindedly running a hand through her hair as she slept. She didn't move, trapped under Janes sleeping head. The sun had set, the house grew dark. Maura re-read the only piece of literature she had in close proximity. The front door opened and Cailin entered the house.

Maura twisted round. "Did you have a nice time with your friends?"

"I did. What's going on?" she asked, quietly, signalling to Jane.

"She's sleeping."

"I can see that."

Maura raised an eyebrow. "Do not read more into this than is necessary. Jane's not been sleeping well lately."

"You're a good friend, Maura," Cailin said, giving her shoulder a brief squeeze. "I'm gonna head to bed. Are you still okay with me coming to work with you tomorrow?"

"Of course. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Cailin disappeared up the stairs. Maura slid her hand around Jane's cheek and brushed her thumb across her skin. She tugged the blanket off the back of the chair and tossed it over her body, tucking it up around her shoulders. Carefully, she untangled herself from Jane's side and placed a pillow beneath her head.

"Sweet dreams," she whispered and kissed her on the cheek.

x

"Morning sleepyhead."

Jane sat up. She could hear a voice but she couldn't see the person attached to it, nor did she recognise it. She rubbed her eyes and glanced around the room. Her eyes landed on Cailin, stood at the foot of the couch.

"You want eggs for breakfast?"

"Cailin?" Jane asked. "Am I dreaming? What are you doing here?"

She laughed. "It's not a dream, I arrived a couple days ago."

Jane scratched her head. "I didn't know."

"Scrambled?" Cailin asked.

"Yes, please." Jane stood up, stretching upwards. She rubbed a couple of pressure points on her back. "Where's Maura?"

"Showering. There's fresh coffee, if you want."

"Gimme," Jane said, smiling at Cailin. She lowered herself onto a stool at the counter and wrapped her hands around the mug Cailin pushed into her hands. "Thanks."

"I thought you were gonna sleep all morning," she said, cracking a couple of eggs into a bowl and whisking them.

"I feel like I already did."

"Maura was ready to wake you but I told her to shower, let you sleep longer."

"You weren't here last night," Jane said. "Maura didn't tell me you'd arrived."

"I was out with some friends I met when we came over here a few years back. It was nice to catch up."

"How long you here for?"

"That depends," Cailin said, stirring the eggs as they cooked. "After Mom, I don't really feel up to going back to university right now."

"You gonna stay here?"

"Maura and I haven't discussed it."

"I'm sure she'd love having you here," Jane said. "She's really enjoyed getting to know you again."

Cailin smiled and scraped the eggs onto a plate. She placed it in front of Jane along with a fork. "Me too."

"Thanks," Jane said, digging in.

Sitting down beside her, Cailin sipped on her own mug of coffee. "Maura told me about your girlfriend, I'm sorry."

"She…told you?" Jane choked on a mouthful of eggs. She coughed in an attempt to clear it.

"I'm sorry," Cailin said. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. She wasn't betraying your trust, or anything. She was concerned. She wanted someone to talk to and I was there."

"Guess it's just still new for me," Jane said, taking a long, deep breath. Knowing Cailin knew was more of a surprise than knowing Maura had told her. She didn't mind, she just didn't entirely expect it. "Still trying to understand it all myself."

"She's been worried."

"I know." Jane stared down at the eggs on her plate. "It's been hard to talk about, to anyone."

"Something smells nice," Maura said. "Are there any left for me?"

"I was just waiting for you to finish showering," Cailin said, standing up and returning to the frying pan.

"I can do it," Maura said.

"It's fine. Let me, please."

"Okay." Maura poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down beside Jane. "I may have forgotten to mention that Cailin was here."

"You think?" Jane pushed her empty plate out in front of her. "You may have also forgotten to mention that you've been talking about me."

"I have?"

Jane raised an eyebrow. "About Silver."

"What about Silver?"

"You told Cailin."

"Oh." Maura frowned. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I was worried."

"It's fine," Jane said, smiling. "I don't mind. I'm just joking with you."

"Are you sure?"

"'Course. It's not like you told Korsak or Frankie."

"I'd never tell them, not unless you asked me to."

Jane's phone buzzed on the kitchen counter, and as if on cue, Maura's followed suit.

Jane picked up her phone at the same time as Maura, "Rizzoli."

"Isles."

x

"This is exciting," Cailin said, stepping over fallen tree trunks. "Do you always get cases like this?"

"Cases like what?" Maura asked. "Which factor about this case are you alluding to?"

"In the middle of woodland, where you have to climb through the forest to reach the body."

Jane rolled her eyes and swatted a mosquito buzzing around her face. "I'd rather we got less of them."

"The majority of our cases are in urban areas," Maura said. "I do not have access to exact statistics, however."

Maura walked across a pile of sodden leaves, thankful she kept a pair of sneakers in her vehicle for this very reason. As they approached the body, Maura placed her medical bag on the floor and snapped on a pair of gloves. The officer stood beside the body held his nose, whilst a crime tech ran his fingers across his face on multiple occasions.

"What is that smell?" Jane asked, turning back around and placing her hand across her face. Cailin closed her eyes and repeated her action.

Maura knelt down. "There is extensive decomposition. This body has likely been here for a couple of months."

"So no time of death," Jane said.

"No time, or date until I've done more analysis," Maura said.

She ran a finger across the man's bloated cheek, then picked up his hand. His fingernails, what was left of them, were full of dirt. Maura returned to his face. She lifted each eyelid, one at a time, shone a light into his nostrils, then opened his mouth.

"Help me roll him over," Maura said.

Jane knelt down at the other end of the body, pulled on a pair of gloves and helped to roll the victim over. Maura ran her gloved hands across the back of his skull. Still covering her faces, Cailin watched her as she worked.

"This man was buried alive."

"Seriously?" Jane asked.

"He has dirt under his fingernails, and he has dirt in ever orifice. I don't know how long he's been under the ground for but this was almost certainly murder."

"You can tell that just by looking at him?" Cailin asked.

Maura stood up and tugged off her gloves. "There are defence wounds on his hands suggesting some sort of struggle. The dirt under his nails suggest he was either digging by hand before he was killed and buried, or he was buried and he attempted to dig his way out. He has a wound on the back of his head that doesn't appear to be fatal. I will need to do more tests, but I am certain."

"Wow. Can I help with the autopsy?"

Running a hand across Cailin's arm, Maura smiled. "Only if you'll at least consider the lesser cared for specialisms."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author Notes** **: Thank you all for reading, etc. you make this 'job' easier and more enjoyable.**

* * *

"I wonder what they'll look like," Jane said, resting her legs up on a pillow to match Maura's position.

"Our child?"

"Yeah."

"It depends on the genetic mix that comes from the fertilisation process," Maura said. "The donor has dark hair, and my hair has always been light. It depends whether the donor has dominant or recessive genes. Realistically, he or she may have a mixture. Our child will likely receive a recessive gene from me, so their future children will have a chance of being blonde too."

Jane laughed and shook her head. "You and your facts."

"What about them?"

"I figure the kid's gonna have blonde hair or brown hair," Jane said. "That's usually what happens. I mean, what our kid will _look_ like. What shape their nose will be, if they have one leg longer than the other, will they get crooked teeth?"

"Without a full genetic map of both myself and our donor, and even then we won't know which features will appear in our child; I don't know."

"I know you don't," Jane said. "That's why I'm wondering. We literally have no idea right now. Will they look like you, will they look like the donor, will they be a complete mix."

"I imagine the child will be a mixture of both of us, since both sets of genes will have some input."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Can you stop talking science for a few minutes and start acting like everyone else?"

Maura frowned. "I'm not sure how everyone – and it's unlikely that every single person in the world would fit into your assumption – is supposed to act."

"Most people don't think about whether their kid will have blonde hair because of recessive genes," Jane said. "Most people think about whether their kid will have blonde hair because they try to imagine what they're like in their head."

"You mean, guessing?"

Jane pursed her lips. "Yes."

"You know how I feel about guessing."

"This is different."

"Why?"

"This is our child, Maura."

"A child that does not exist yet."

"You don't know that. The sperm are busy working their way to your egg as we speak, we could have a baby growing any second."

Maura smiled. "It will likely take longer than a second."

"I know. I just like to think about our kid, already growing, already getting the ball rolling. In nine months we could be parents. Me, and you, and our kid. What a scary thought."

"You're still scared?"

"In a lot of ways."

"Me too."

Jane sighed. "I've been putting off thinking about how I'm gonna tell Ma. How do I explain this to her?"

"It's easy," Maura said, rolling onto her side. "We wanted to bring a child into this world, we wanted to share our love with them. We decided to do it together in the absence of suitable partners. I think Angela is progressive enough to understand."

Jane sat up, doubling over with every laugh. "Progressive? Ma?"

"She's come a long way."

"She has." Jane placed her hand on Maura's arm and trailed her fingers down to her hand. "Thank you."

"What for?" Maura asked, sitting up.

"For this, for everything. You've been nothing but supportive over the last few months. I know I've been a complete bitch sometimes. It means a lot. You're trying to have our kid, if it works, I don't know if I'll ever be able to do anything for you half as important as that. There's nothing in this world I can do to repay you."

Maura pulled Jane's hands into her lap. "You encouraged me to do this, you've given me the support network I need to be a mother. You have nothing to repay me for. If we have a baby, that will be payment enough."

x

"Hey Ma," Jane said, slipping onto a bar stool and scooping a handful of nuts out of a bowl on the counter. She tossed one into her mouth.

"Hey Janie…you look happy. Happier than you've been lately."

"Yeah."

Angela stood in front of her, her eyes narrowed in Jane's direction. "Anything you need to tell your mother?"

"No." She chewed on a couple more nuts. "Just happy."

"Is this about Maura?" Angela leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Did something happen?"

Jane shook her head. "We're not together. She's not interested."

"How do you know? Did you ask her?"

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" Angela filled a glass with light beer and placed it on the counter. "She obviously cares about you."

"Not like that." Jane sipped the beer. "Thanks."

"How do you know if you don't talk to her?"

Jane sighed. She ran a finger across the water droplets on the outside of the glass. "Not right now, Ma. There's too much going on."

"Too much like what?"

"I dunno." She shrugged. "Work, Cailin's in town, Maura's still grieving."

Angela raised an eyebrow. "Okay. But don't leave it too long, you don't wanna lose her."

"I'll wait as long as I need to, I know what I'm doing."

"I hope so."

x

 _Maura lifted her hips. A trail of fingers across her thighs sent her senses into overdrive. She reached out and tugged the hair of the person whose tongue had found its way to the centre of her sensitivity. She let out a moan and thrust herself up to meet the moving mouth. Fingers replaced tongue, tongue replaced fingers. The slow and methodical act of fingertips drawing across her skin, grasping her naked breasts. Maura's body reacted harder, shaking with the overwhelming desires that toppled her over the edge._

 _"Jane," she gasped. The mouth between her legs lifted, the face revealed itself, the tangled mess of dark curls made her open her eyes._

Maura stared up at the ceiling in the empty room, struggling to regain her breath, Jane's smile fixed in her mind. She closed her eyes in an attempt to push the thoughts aside, but her body still tingled with arousal.

"Oh God," Maura gasped, trailing her fingers down to where Jane had been a moment ago in her mind. Until the orgasm of her dreams was replaced with reality.

By seven, Maura was sat at the kitchen counter attempting to read an article on retinal structure and function preservation. Her mind drifted back and forth across the pages. She yawned and stretched, her mind not quite active.

"You look tired," Cailin said, filling a mug of coffee and standing opposite her. "Didn't you sleep okay?"

"No," Maura said, putting the article to one side. "I didn't."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Maura glanced at the counter, her palms flat against the surface. Another yawn forced its way across her face. "I'm still trying to make sense of it myself."

"I think you need this more than me," Cailin said, handing her the mug of coffee and going to fill another one. "If you do want to talk, I'm here."

"Thank you." She sipped the hot liquid. "I suppose I have a lot on my mind. Jane and I decided to try to get pregnant again."

"Oh, wow." Cailin sat down beside her. "So, I might be an aunt soon?"

"Hopefully," Maura said.

"Is that why you didn't sleep well?"

"Not exactly." Closing her eyes, Maura wished to forget what had happened. Not least because she reacted to it in a way that, in hindsight, could be misinterpreted. "I had a dream."

"What sort of dream?"

"A, erm…an adult dream."

"A sex dream?" Cailin asked, smirking.

"Yes." Maura forged a smile. "A sex dream."

"And that kept you up all night?" Cailin raised an eyebrow. "That must have been some amazing dream sex."

"Not like that."

"Then how?"

Maura sighed. "It was about Jane."

" _Oh right_!"

"I know. I can't get my head around it." She still hadn't figured out why she dreamed such a thing. The kiss in Oxford was, as Jane assumed, just the grief talking. She was confused and she allowed herself to seek comfort in the only place she knew how. "I suppose it could be because Jane inseminated me herself."

"She did what?" Cailin placed her mug on the counter and stared at Maura.

"Don't look at me like that." Cailin softened her gaze. "She chose to do the insemination. No need for doctors, or the clinic."

"Maura, _come on_."

"Come on what?"

"You're surely not that blind?"

"Blind to what exactly?"

"To _Jane_. To your own _fucking subconscious_. You're having a child together. Friends don't do that."

"No. I'm not blind." She had an explanation for everything. Except for the intensity of the orgasm she felt post-wake up. It had been a long time since she'd pleasured herself to such degree. There had to be an explanation for that, just like there was for the dream. "Jane doesn't like hospitals; she's spent enough time in them. I refuse to believe that one dream can mean something of significance."

"You've studied the brain. You understand these things, Maura."

"It doesn't mean anything."

"You can say it out loud but it doesn't make it true."

"It can't be true." She wouldn't let herself consider the possibility that she did feel something for Jane. It was the wrong moment. "Jane and I are trying to have a child together. I can't complicate that."

"It's already complicated," Cailin said. "You're having a _child_ with your best friend. If that's not complicate, I don't know what is."

Maura looked into her eyes, into the glee that came from their current conversation. Maura sighed. "I refuse to entertain the thought."

"Why? What's stopping you?"

"Jane. Jane is stopping me. She's just discovered who she is, she's just allowed herself to be who she's always been. I can't confuse that."

"Even though she's in love with you?"

Maura shook her head. "I don't know that she is."

"No. You don't." Cailin rested s hand over Maura's wrist. "Would it help to know for sure?"

"I don't know." Having Cailin tell her she thinks Jane cares deeply for her, in a non-platonic way, is one thing, to have those suspicions confirmed would change everything. Potentially _destroy_ everything. "It's the wrong time. I could be pregnant. If I open up that can of worms now, then what?"

"Then you can all live happily ever after."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Maybe if our plan to have a child doesn't work out, or if she volunteers that information. I can't even consider the possibility. Not now."

x

Maura folded a shirt and placed it on top of the pile of clean laundry on the dining table. She picked up a pair of pants.

"Do you feel ready to go home?"

"No," Cailin said, moving the pile from the table and into her suitcase.

"I'm sorry we don't have more time," Maura said, placing the folded pants down. "We still have one more afternoon before your flight, what would you like to do?"

"Actually, Maura, I wanted to talk to you about that."

Maura's heart sunk. She had enjoyed having Cailin there, and having her leave was heartbreaking. "Do you have plans with your friends?"

"No. We can spend the day together. I mean about leaving."

"What about it?"

"I spoke to my professor and he's agreed to allow me six months off."

"Six months?" Maura picked up another shirt. "What about your study? Your plans."

"We discussed that. I've also spoken to someone at BCU medical school admissions. I can do some classes here for a while, and they would count towards my degree."

Maura placed the unfolded shirt down on the table. "You want to stay?"

"I need to go back to Oxford for a few weeks, but then I could come back. If you were okay with me staying."

"Yes. Of course you can stay. You're welcome any time."

"Even for six months?"

"The longer the better."

Cailin lowered her gaze. "There's one other condition my professor and I agreed on, but I need your help."

"I will do anything I can."

"Will you let me come and work with you as an intern? I don't expect payment, just to keep up my skills and learn."

Maura's lips curved at the edges, the smile reached the corners of her eyes. "Of course you can. Do you really want to work with me? I'm sure there are plenty of other medical professionals that would accept you, I have several contacts. Perhaps the neurology department at the hospital?"

"I don't want any other internship," she said. "I want to work with _you_ , I want to spend time with you. Mom always talked about how much of a brilliant mind you are, and doing the autopsy with you the other day was amazing; I think I'll learn more from you in six months than I could ever learn in lectures and seminars."

"That's settled then," Maura said, giving her arm a gentle squeeze. "I will need to know when you plan to return, and I'll need a letter from your professor. Then we can organise for ID for the police department. I'll also revise the budget, there may be room for remuneration. It might not be much, but I don't believe in not paying an intern for their hard work."

"Thank you, Maura. I wish I didn't have to go home to sort everything out," she said, placing the last of the laundry into her suitcase. "I'm excited to get started."

"Me too."

x

The knock on her apartment door came around eleven. Jane climbed out of bed, slipped on a pair of pants, and went to answer the door. On the other side, Maura stared at her with red, puffy eyes.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Jane asked, stepping forward and enveloping her in her arms.

"Cailin left."

Stepping into the apartment, Jane never removed her arms from Maura. She clung to her as Jane pushed the door closed and wrapped herself back around her.

"I'm sorry."

"I know she's coming back soon," Maura said, a couple of tears coated her skin. "I feel so sad."

"That's understandable." Jane held her at arm's length. "You've only just got her back in your life and things are going so well. Maura, _you have a family_."

"I do," she said, nodding. She wiped at her cheeks. "Why is it so difficult to have a family?"

Jane laughed and cupped her cheeks. "Oh, Maur. I think it's called love. You love her and she's the only biological family member you have. Having family isn't easy. God. I remember when Tommy went missing when I was still in high school. Ma wouldn't stop crying for two days."

"What happened?"

"Little jerk was hiding in our grandparents garage the whole time. He fell out with Pop about something, I can't remember now."

"That's awful," Maura said.

"It was. I know I don't always get along with my brothers but if anything happened to them…that's what family is all about."

Jane ran her hands through her hair then on up above her head, as a yawn escaped her lips.

"I'm sorry," Maura said, glancing down her clothes. "Were you going to bed?"

"Yeah, but it's fine."

"No." Maura turned to the door. "I'll go."

"Wait," Jane said, wrapping a hand around Maura's arm. "You don't have to. You're clearly still upset. Why don't you stay?"

"I don't want to impose."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Last week I shot sperm up your vagina with a needless syringe. We are so far past imposition, I don't even know why we don't just swap keys and share each other's clothes already."

Maura smiled. "You already have a key to my house, and we have swapped clothes, a few times."

Jane frowned. She had had a key to Maura's for a long time, yet she'd never once thought to give Maura a key to her own apartment. Even Silver had gotten a key, if only temporarily while she was out of the country. She opened the drawer of the cabinet beside the front door and pulled out her spare set.

"Here," she said, placing it in Maura's hand. "Now you can come and go as you please."

"Thank you, Jane," Maura said, slipping the key into her jacket pocket.

"Now get your jacket off, I'll go find you something to wear for bed. I'm tired, and I have to be up early."

Jane left her by the door. She rooted through her drawers for a pair of sweats and a tshirt. As she closed the drawer, her hands shook a little. She steadied them slightly. She didn't know why it felt so weird to give Maura a key, like their relationship had changed. Except that, for Jane at least, it had. She pushed any and all feelings to one side and called Maura into the bedroom. As she slipped out of her clothes and changed into Jane's, she sat on the bed and stared at the opposite wall. She'd seen Maura's most intimate parts of the body and yet she couldn't watch her change.

"You can look now," Maura said, with a slight crease of the eyebrow.

Jane smiled as she slipped under the covers, then joined Maura. It felt completely different now. Like she was breaking some sort of line by being in the same bed as her best friend. The friend who she was in love with.

"Are you on call in the morning?" Maura asked.

"Bright and early," Jane said, lying on her back and staring up at the ceiling.

"I won't be in until lunchtime. I have an appointment with my doctor."

"Why?" Jane asked, sitting up and leaning on her elbow. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Will you find out if you're pregnant?"

"No. We can do a test next week." Maura rolled onto her side. "Not my general practitioner. My therapist. I thought given everything I've gone through recently; it was worth talking to someone about it."

"That's a good idea," Jane said, lying down on her back. "You're okay though, right?"

"Yes, Jane. I'm okay."

"Good."

They lay in silence for a while. Jane just stared at the ceiling, contemplating the world, trying not to think about how close Maura was at that very moment.

"Goodnight, Maura," Jane said, rolling onto her other side.

"Night, Jane."


	17. Chapter 17

**Author Notes** **: Thank you all for reading, commenting, etc. Unfortunately I'm going away tomorrow for one night/two full on days, which means no writing. It may also affect my ability to write when I get home as any break where I'm heavily distracted does impact on my motivation, etc. I hope to be back with you by the weekend, especially as I'm taking Friday off.**

 **Until next time...**

* * *

"This morning I found out that I'm not pregnant."

Maura leaned back against the chair. When she did the test, she pushed all emotions to one side. Sitting there, opposite her therapist, putting into words the thing she didn't dare speak of, the tears flowed.

"I know Jane's going to be disappointed that we didn't do the test together, but I couldn't. I didn't want to face her, in case this happened."

"I can see this is really provoking a lot of emotion for you," Dr McCallon said, holding out a box of tissues. "What is it about Jane being there that made you feel that way?"

"It's not about Jane." Maura pulled a tissue from the box and clasped her hands over her knee. "It's me. I know trying to get pregnant isn't easy, especially given my age. I left it too long for this to be simple."

"But?"

"But it hurts." She dabbed the tissue against her cheeks, her fingers shook. "I left it too long and now, for the second time, I'm not pregnant. Some people try for years and they don't succeed. I don't have years. I don't want to keep trying if it's going to be this painful every time the test isn't positive."

Dr McCallon smiled briefly. "Last week you told me that Jane is your support network, and that you rely on her for a lot of things. Including being there for you when you're in pain. I understand you don't want to go through this pain, but I wonder, why did you go through it today, alone?"

Maura lowered her gaze, the tears subsided a little. "Many reasons."

"I'm sure you know that this is a safe space, Maura," he said. "We're not in any rush. If you'd like to go through them, one by one, we have time."

"I don't know how to tell Jane that I don't want to try anymore."

"You want to stop trying to get pregnant?"

"Maybe this is nature's way of saying that I am not meant to be a mother," Maura said. "Not everyone is. My career is, and has been, so important to me for a long time. I made a decision to prioritise it. I could have prioritised a family, but I didn't. I can't change that now. I can only go forward."

"How do you feel about that decision?"

"Sad. Disappointed. I wanted to be a mother." She shook her head. "However, I need to look after myself, and the only way I can do that is to find some solace in my decision."

"It sounds like you have discounted other options," Dr McCallon said.

"You mean adoption?"

"Adoption, surrogacy, fostering, there are a multitude of alternatives."

Maura sighed. "I don't know. I have complex feelings around adoption. Alternate options are not simple, and they do not come without their risks. I don't know if I'm willing to go through that, knowing I may still be left without a child."

"So, what you're saying is that you would rather avoid any suffering that may come from attempts to become a mother, in favour of simply not being a mother at all?"

"Yes."

A silence fell between them. Maura stared down at her hands. She had nothing more to say on the matter. Maybe she would in the future, but for now she was left only with the complexity of feelings. She sat back and waited.

"Maura," Dr McCallon said, leaning forward. "You said that there were others reasons for not telling Jane about the test."

"Yes."

"Would you like to expand on some of the other reasons?"

Maura closed her eyes and opened them again, staring deep into his eyes. He was an attractive man, but mostly his warmth was comforting. "I don't know how I feel about Jane."

"What do you mean?"

"We've been friends for a long time. I love her as a friend. I have always seen her as a friend."

Dr McCallon raised an eyebrow. "You said the word friend three times."

"I don't think she's just a friend." Maura pinched the bridge of her nose. "When my biological mother died recently, she kissed me."

"Jane kissed you?"

"Yes. We were sat on my bed, we were talking, and she just kissed me. It was brief, I think she was more shocked than I was."

"She was more shocked?"

"The look in her eyes, I didn't think about it at the time, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it in the last few days. She looked like a deer in the headlights. It was so brief that I almost missed it. Then she was gone."

"Gone?"

"She left the room, she ran away."

"What happened after that?"

"We pretended that nothing happened."

"How did you feel about that?"

"It's Jane. It's what she does. She doesn't deal with situations as they arise, or even afterwards. Unfortunately, I made the situation ten times worse."

"In what way?"

"I kissed her."

"You…kissed Jane?"

Maura nodded. "I was upset. I felt many different emotions and I couldn't handle them all. I was crying. She was stood in front of me and all I wanted to do in that moment was feel close to her."

"So you kissed her?"

"It felt like the right thing to do."

"Does it still feel that way?"

Maura narrowed her eyes. "Yes. If I could go back and do it again, I'd still kiss her."

"How did she react?"

"She told me I was confused, and that I needed time to heal after my mother's death."

"Do you think you were confused?"

"I don't know. I feel so close to Jane, she means a lot to me."

"Does that closeness translate to feelings of a more romantic nature?"

Maura sighed. "I don't know."

"I think you do, Maura," he said, leaning forward. "I think deep down you know how you feel."

"Deep down…I think I could love her, but I don't know if it's real."

"Why don't you know if it's real?"

"We're friends. She has been an important person in my life. I had very little before I met Jane. Now I have a family."

"Are you saying you're scared?"

"Yes, I'm scared. I'm scared that everything that has happened has ruined our friendship. I'm scared that Jane is drifting too far away from me. I'm scared that I have feelings for her, and I'm scared they're not genuine. If they're a gut reaction to Jane kissing me, or I'm sexually frustrated."

"You think you're feeling this way because Jane kissed you?"

"Before she kissed me there was no reason for me to feel anything other than friendship."

"Nothing at all?"

Maura closed her eyes and considered her friendship, she knew deep down that things with Jane had always been different. She had very little to compare it to, but even she knew that their friendship was unlike most others.

"When we first met I thought she had feelings for me."

"Jane had feelings for you?"

"I don't know how real that was, I'm not very experienced at understanding social cues."

"But you thought Jane felt something?"

"I've slept with several different people, I've seen that same look in their eyes. I brushed it off, we didn't even know each other."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I felt…I can't remember how I felt."

"How do you feel looking back on it now?"

"Sad."

"Why?"

"If we were having this conversation several years ago, then maybe there would have been time for us."

"Time for us?"

"Time for Jane and I."

"Time for what?"

Maura frowned. "To be together. To have a family."

Dr McCallon tilted his head to one side. "Do you think you would have liked to have been in a relationship with her several years ago?"

"I don't," Maura paused. "I don't know why I said that. I mean, I suppose if we did fall for each other."

"You said that if we'd been having this conversation years ago, then maybe you and Jane would have time to be together. What about now?"

"We're in very different places now."

"What changed?"

"Nothing changed, Jane just stopped looking at me like that. We got to know each other, and we became friends."

"Yet you've just explained to me that you and Jane, on separate occasions, have instigated a kiss. What brought you to that place?"

"Jane recently revealed to me that she is gay."

Dr McCallon raised an eyebrow. "How do you feel about that?"

"What am I supposed to feel about it? I am thankful that Jane is able to be honest with herself."

"And are you able to be honest with yourself?"

"What would I need to be honest with myself about?"

"How it makes you feel knowing that Jane is open to a relationship with a woman."

"I just want Jane to be happy."

"How open do you feel to a relationship with another woman?"

"I," Maura frowned. "I don't know. I have always appreciated people as individuals."

"Have your relationships solely been with men?"

"No."

"You answered that very quickly," he said.

"I have only had brief relationships with women, on three separate occasions. Not one resulted in a physical relationship."

Dr McCallon leaned back in his seat. "Bearing that in mind, how do you feel about Jane being open to a relationship with a woman?"

"I hadn't considered what that meant to me," Maura said.

"And now?"

"Now, I don't know. Sometimes I think about what it would be like."

"It?"

"To be with her." Maura frowned. "I've dreamed about us together, sexually."

"How did that make you feel?"

Maura smiled, her lips curved at the edges. "I felt the lightest, and the happiest, I have in a long time."

"What does that tell you?"

Maura sighed and shook her head. "It's too complicated for me to immediately assume that that can be translated into a relationship with the only person I can rely on."

"It sounds like the one thing stopping you from moving forward with this, is fear."

"No," Maura said. "I don't know want to ruin things between us, of course I don't. Everything I've said, it doesn't mean that I'm willing and able to commit to a relationship with her. Nor does it mean that Jane is ready for that, either."

"Okay," Dr McCallon said. "I think we've perhaps covered enough for today. There's a lot there for you to go away and think about. Maybe next week we can pick up this same conversation."

x

Jane was in the shower when Frankie shouted through the apartment. She could hear his voice under the water hitting the shower walls. Jane rinsed her hair and shut off the water. Wrapping herself up in a towel, she opened the door to her bedroom to find Frankie with his back to her.

"Get out of my room, you jerk."

Frankie turned, his eyes bugged, then he twisted back around again. "Sorry, didn't realise you'd be half naked."

"I said get out," she shouted, pushing his back until he started walking towards the door.

"I'm going, I'm going," he muttered, closing the door behind him.

She soaked up the water from her skin and slipped on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. She wrapped her dripping curls up in a towel and squeezed as much water out of them as possible. Laying the towel around her shoulders, she went out into the living room.

"What you doing here, Frankie?" she asked, heading straight for the fridge. The six pack inside softened her mood. "Thanks for the beer."

"Thought we could have one before we go."

Jane took two, closed the door, and cracked the lids. She handed one to Frankie. "Go where?"

"Ma wanted me to take you to some bar."

"Which bar?"

"It's called Heat."

"Never heard of it."

"Me neither," he said. "She gave me an address. Apparently we need to spend more time together."

"Ha." Jane rolled her eyes. "As if I don't see enough of you at work."

"It might be fun." Frankie drank from his bottle. "We can be each other's wingmen."

"Wing woman."

"Whatever, Jane," he said. "You up for it?"

x

Entering the bar, Jane's eyes landed on a tall man wearing a dress, wig, and heavy makeup. Behind him, two men were sat arm in arm, and a couple of women were kissing. Jane rolled her eyes. She knew exactly what kind of place they were in and she did not appreciate it one bit.

"Is Ma trying to tell me something, or you?" Frankie asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jane shrugged. "Didn't you check up on this place before we came?"

"Why would I?" he asked. "I didn't expect Ma to send us to a gay bar."

"She's Ma," Jane said.

Frankie smiled at the drag queen and found a seat at the bar, Jane sat down beside him, her eyes fixed on everything around her. The place was full of people in various states of dress – from men in high heels, to women in tailored suits, to people who looked like they'd transitioned.

"Two beers," Frankie said, his eyes landed on a tall, dark and handsome man.

The bartender leaned forward. "You're new."

"Err, yeah," he said.

The man looked him up and down. "Bi?"

"We only just got here," Frankie said.

"No," he said. "Are you bisexual?"

"Oh. No, straight."

"Shame," he muttered and disappeared behind the bar to retrieve their beers.

"Do I look bi?" Frankie asked, staring at Jane.

She shrugged. "Don't look at me."

"Why are we here, Jane?"

"Like I said, don't look at me."

The bartender placed the beers on the counter and Frankie handed over a bill. Jane focused her attention on the bottle, on the cool liquid as it travelled down her throat. When she placed it down again, she stared straight ahead.

"I'm gay, Frankie."

"Haha, very funny," he said, smirking.

She turned to face him, her expression serious. "Not funny."

"What?" He stared at her, his bottle still in hand. "Since when?"

"Since always," she said. He was still watching her as she focused her attention on her drink.

"You're nearly forty, shouldn't you be doing this twenty years ago? What about all the guys you've dated?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "I let myself believe I was straight."

"Why now?"

"Why not now?"

Frankie smiled and placed a hand on her wrist. "You know I'll love you no matter what, right?"

"I know," she said, bashing his shoulder with her own.

"So, Ma wants you to meet women?" he asked.

"Something like that."

"What do you say we find some women?"

Jane raised an eyebrow. "This is too weird. You can't be my wingman."

"Why not?" He shrugged. "You got any makeup in your purse?"

Jane held up the small clutch purse on the bar. "Some eyeliner."

"That'll do."

He took the purse and walked across the room. After a brief conversation with a woman behind the bar, he disappeared into the crowd. When he returned a few moments later, he sat back down, his eyes surrounded by a thick, black, and not very neatly drawn, line. Jane laughed.

"Don't," he said.

"I'm sorry," she replied. "But you look ridiculous."

"I know." He rolled his eyes. "I couldn't get it to go on right."

"That's because you don't wear it."

"Now I know why, this stuff is hard to put on."

"Oh sweetie," one of the drag queens said, as she approached. "Who did your makeup?"

"He did it himself," Jane said, still laughing.

"Come here," she said, and grasped Frankie's hand. He rolled his eyes and followed her across the room.

When Frankie returned, his makeup was neater, subtle. His hair had been restyled. Jane raised an eyebrow. If she didn't know any better, and he'd been in different clothing, he'd have passed as a women.

"Thank you, Tallulah," he said, handing over a bill.

"Anytime, sweetie," she said, slipping the note into her bra and walking away.

"What have you done?" Jane asked, her eyes wide.

"Is it that bad?"

"No," Jane said. "That's the problem."

"Tallulah is amazing," Frankie said he turned to where she stood talking to a gay couple across the room. "She did this in like five minutes. Took me longer to get the eyeliner off with a stupid wipe."

"Why exactly did you feel like going drag tonight?"

"Maybe I can pass off as a better wing woman," he said. "Call me Francesca."

"I am not calling you Francesca," Jane said.

x

"I need to go home," Jane said, holding a hand to her head. She'd drunk too much, the music was still blaring and she wanted her bed.

"A few more min…minutes," Frankie said, his back to Jane as he leaned towards the women he'd been chatting to. "My sister, she's the one scowling at me."

"Oi," she shouted, whacking him on the arm.

"See what, what I gotta p, put up with?" He rested a hand on her wrist. "She thinks you're cute."

"I did not say cute," Jane muttered.

"Wanna give her…your number?"

The woman leaned forward, her lips inches from his ear. "I'd rather have yours."

Frankie sat back, his eyes open wide, then narrowed. "But I don't like ladies. I mean, I like ladies, but not your kind of ladies."

"What I really love," she said, scrawling her number on a slip of paper. "Is men who aren't afraid of a bit of makeup. Call me."

She pressed her lips to his cheek and walked away, waving as she disappeared into the crowd. Frankie turned back to Jane, a grin on his face, as he clutched the paper.

"Think, thu, think I hit the jackpot."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I need to go home, I can't stay awake."

"Okay," Frankie said, standing up then sitting back down. "Think I need an arm."

Jane sighed and slipped an arm around his waist, helping him to his feet. "You're an idiot."

"No, you're an id, an idi, one of those things."

Half dragging, half carrying Frankie across the room, Jane rolled her eyes at a couple of men practically assaulting each other's mouths. "Get a room."

"We're in one," one said, pulling away.

The other man's eyes landed on Jane's. She stared at him, open mouthed, as she let go of Frankie. He toppled over onto the floor.

"Had a bit too much to drink?" Kent asked, his thick Scottish accent travelled through the air as between them they helped Frankie to his feet.

"A bit," Jane said, never taking her eyes off him. "So, you're into guys?"

"A bit," he said, smirking. "Don't tell Maura, yeah?"

"Why not?"

"I don't want her to see me differently."

"Okay." Shifting Frankie's body weight from Kent to Jane, she clutched him tightly. "Come on, Francesca, it's home time."

"Wait," Frankie said, as Jane stumbled toward the exit, pulling Frankie along beside her. "Was, was that Maura's Kent?"

"Was what Kent?"

"That man."

"Which man? You're drunk."

"He looked j, just like him."

"That's called beer goggles, Frankie."

"Kent googles," he said, laughing.

"Yeah," Jane muttered. "That's real funny."


	18. Chapter 18

**Author Notes** **: Finally managed to get another chapter written, and I go away again tomorrow until Monday, so the next update will probably be a few days off, if not a week. I'm too busy right now, haha. But at least I got a chapter up in between! Enjoy.**

* * *

A loud banging joined the drum beat in Jane's head as she was pulled out of sleep. She rubbed at her eyes. She can't have been asleep for long, though she didn't really know what time she arrived home. She pushed the sheets aside and climbed out of bed. Another bang. Her head thumped to the same rhythm, continuously. Jane walked toward the door, running her fingers through her thick main.

"What?"

She jumped at Frankie's voice, twisted round to the couch where he sat upright, his eyes barely open.

"Get up, you jerk," she shouted, whacking him on the leg. "Was that you?"

"Was what me?" he asked quietly, wincing. "Speak quietly."

"I'll speak as loud as I like," she shouted, regretting it instantly. Another knock. "Someone's at the door, get up."

She stood beside the door and peered through the small eyepiece. Her heart leaped in her chest. She swiftly pulled open the door and smiled at Maura. It took all of her energy not to wrap her arms around her.

"Good afternoon," Maura said, placing a hand on her arm and placing her lips against Jane's cheek. She retreated into the apartment, away from the temptation of Maura's skin. She could smell her, in that brief moment of contact, her scent lingered under her nostrils.

"Afternoon?" she asked, glancing around in search of a clock.

"It's two," Maura said, raising an eyebrow, she followed Jane into the apartment. Her eyes landed on Frankie, then returned to Jane. "Big night?"

"Morning, Maura," he said, holding up an arm from the couch.

"Something like that," she said, hitting Frankie on the arm. "Go home."

"Good afternoon, Frankie."

"Already?"

"For two hours," she said, smiling.

"I said go," Jane snapped, the banging in her skull made her irritable and she didn't want to share her time with Maura with Frankie.

He groaned and stood up, before sitting down again. "In a minute."

Jane rolled her eyes and filled the coffee pot. Maura took a seat at the counter and watched as Jane finished making the pot of coffee. With two mugs filled, Jane pushed one across to Maura.

"Do I get one?" Frankie asked, still sitting on the couch.

"No," Jane said.

Frankie stood up, slower this time, his eyes fixed on the pot of coffee as he walked across the room. Jane stood in front of him, her arms folded across her chest. She didn't want him there. He stepped to one side. Jane blocked his path.

"Come on, Janie," he muttered. "I need coffee."

Opening a cupboard, Jane pulled out a paper cup and filled it with coffee. She handed it to Frankie. "Now get out of here before I literally throw you out on the street."

"I'm going," he said, holding his hand up, his other gripping the cup. He backed out of the kitchen and disappeared out of the front door, muttering to himself.

"You look exhausted," Maura said, glancing after Frankie. "You both do."

"Ma made us go out."

"Did you enjoy yourselves?"

Jane shrugged. "It was alright."

"Where did you go?"

"Heat."

"Heat?"

"It's a gay club, Ma thought it'd be funny to send me and my little brother."

"Frankie knows?"

"Only 'cause I told him."

"That's a few people you've told now," Maura said.

Jane smiled. Regardless of how many people she told, it still felt weird. "Yeah, I guess it is. What's up? You don't usually turn up on my doorstep."

"No," Maura said. "I wanted to talk with you."

x

"Well?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow. "You can't say you wanna talk to me and then go quiet for this long."

Maura pursed her lips. She'd rehearsed the words she would use to explain her feelings over and over again. Eventually she would have to talk to someone outside of her therapist. Especially if she wanted to face the thoughts traversing through her mind.

"My biological mother died," Maura said, listening to the words as she spoke them aloud. She hadn't said them for a while. They felt unusual on her tongue, yet somehow more familiar. "I've lost a link to my genetic history and to a life I didn't have. I feel sad that she's gone. I feel devastated for Cailin, to have lost her mother so young. But my feelings towards Hope have always been complex, and they remain so. Hope was not my mother, not in the traditional sense."

"What's brought Hope up again?" Jane asked, sipping on her coffee.

"Hope has not been far from my mind since she died," Maura said, narrowing her eyes. "Somedays I expect to grieve more, other days I expect I've grieved enough. What strikes me is that I don't feel the long term grief I expected would come with the death of my mother. I think had it been Angela, I would suffer more."

"Ma?" Jane frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I always thought that I needed to know where I came from to understand myself. I don't. My relationship with Constance has been somewhat fractured. She brought me up into a world of privilege and opportunity. She didn't provide me with love. I thought I could get that from Hope, I thought that of all people, my biological mother had to be the one person who would show me the love I missed out on in childhood."

"But she let you down."

"She did. Angela didn't have to love me, she chose to be both a friend, and a pseudo mother. If Angela had died instead of Hope, I hypothesise I would feel a greater loss. She would deserve more of my grief."

"It sounds like you've thought a lot about this."

"It's not been the sole focus of my attention in the last thirty-six hours." Maura wrapped her hands around the coffee mug. She paused, contemplating the words before she said them, laid them out methodically in the hope they would sound clearer. In the end, she put them all to one side and said the bare minimum. "I'm not pregnant."

"Since when?" Jane sat up a little straighter.

"I did a test yesterday morning."

"Oh." Jane narrowed her eyes and glanced down at her mug.

"I'm sorry," she said, sliding her fingers over the top of Jane's. "I didn't want to exclude you from doing the test."

"Then why did you?"

The terseness of Jane's voice filled Maura with a sense of regret. She didn't move her fingers, and Maura clung to hope that Jane wasn't as angry as her voice suggested. "I feared how I would feel about the result, and I didn't want to have to talk about it. I needed time to work through my feelings."

Jane pursed her lips, untangled her fingers from Maura's, and wrapped her hands around her mug. "Did you?"

"I don't know."

"So we try again."

Maura sighed. "I don't know if I want to. Losing Hope set me on a path that I didn't realise I was on. When we started this process I had three women I consider to be something of a mother, and I have a very different relationship with each. Losing my one biological mother has made me contemplate what motherhood really means to me. What I do know is that the last day has allowed me to further understand how I feel about alternative options. I thought I wanted a biological child. I thought it mattered to me to have a child that is genetically mine. I don't think it's as important to me now."

"Right."

"If Angela can love me regardless of an absence of genetic connection, and Hope can fail to show me love because of it, then why can't I do what Constance never could, and give a child the life they deserve when they have nobody else?"

"You talking about adoption?"

"I have a few options to explore. Adoption, fostering, surrogacy."

"Surrogacy?" Jane narrowed her eyes and retreated backward. "So, someone else would have the kid?"

"Yes, why not?"

She folded her arms across her chest. "Where does that leave us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Our plan to co-parent." Jane gritted her teeth. Maura sipped on her coffee, conscious of the displeasure emanating from Jane. "Where does that leave us? If you want to adopt, or have a surrogate, what happens to our arrangement?"

Maura smiled. "I appreciate your support and your offer to help me. I want a child, I want to give a child a life. I didn't think I could before. You've helped me to see that there are other ways."

"Yeah," Jane said, the crease deepened between her eyes. "But what about our arrangement?"

"I don't expect you to be part of alternative options," Maura said, placing her mug back on the counter.

"Even if you go for a surrogate?"

The tone of Jane's voice barely reached warm. The barrier she'd put up, her body language, and the tone of her voice suggested she wasn't happy. Maura frowned. A lump formed in the back of her throat, causing an ache so hard to bare that Maura wanted to push it aside. Instead, she pushed out the thoughts ruminating in her mind. "You're building a life for yourself, Jane. I know you and Silver didn't work out but it's only a matter of time before you find someone else. I don't want to interrupt that."

"You're not interrupting my life." Jane stood up and rested her hands on the kitchen counter away from Maura. She turned back, and stared into Maura's eyes, a hint of anger lingered. "I want to do this with you. Don't you see that? Why do you need a surrogate anyway? Why can't we just try again?"

"I don't want to." Maura's shoulders sunk. "I don't have the emotional capacity right now to deal with this again, and again, until I, inevitably, give up. Besides, given my age, it's less likely to be successful."

"Or we could try again and it might work."

"But it might not. I will not do this forever. I need to look after myself. Is that a problem?"

"No, not a problem. I get that. What's a problem is you not wanting my help. I don't understand why surrogacy is an option above other ones."

"What other options, Jane?" Maura sighed. "My options are limited. I didn't think you would want to be involved in something as complex as adoption."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Our original arrangement was for me to carry the child. I don't know if they would allow two single women to adopt a child together, and fostering is equally complicated. The only option our arrangement could continue with is surrogacy."

"That's not the only option."

"Yes it is."

Jane slammed her palm down on the counter. Maura jumped. Jane stared at her, her eyes filled with tears and her face taut. "No."

"What other option is there?" Maura softened her tone, consciously aware of how much the conversation was already affecting Jane. "I've already told you I do not want to carry the child."

" _I_ can do it."

"You can do what?"

"I'll have the baby."

"Pardon?"

"Let me have our baby."

x

Words had left her mouth before she really thought them through. Standing in a clothing store, watching Maura shop, gave her time to consider them further. Her ability to bail on the conversation right after such a massive suggestion didn't escape her notice, she was becoming all too aware of her own shortfalls. How would she cope being pregnant? How would she handle not drinking beer for months, or taking time off active duty later on? How would she explain the situation to her mother?

"You look puzzled," Maura said, glancing over the rail.

"I'm thinking," Jane said.

"About?"

"Whether I really meant what I said."

"Do you?" Considering Jane had thrown the suggestion out there then refused to discuss it, Maura was dealing with the situation in a more methodical way. That was why it'd be better if their child could have Maura's genes, if only for the future child's intelligence. "I'd rather you think this through thoroughly. That's why I suggested we sit on it for a while."

"You had no choice," Jane said. "I practically threw us both out of the apartment."

"No," Maura replied. "But I could see you were conflicted, which is why I suggested it."

"Only after I told you I wanted to take you shopping."

"That was the biggest sign that something was wrong," Maura said, with a curve of her lips. "It's easy to say things on the spur of the moment and regret them later."

"I wouldn't say I regret it."

"You just don't know if you want to do it."

"I just needed to think some more."

She watched Maura search the rail from her place against the wall. They were completely different people who were thrown together by a common career. On paper they should not be compatible as friends, as co-parents. But Maura was her best friend, she was more than a friend. Maura was her life. She was the only person she saw when she thought about her future, and now more than ever, she wanted to do this.

Her fingers shook at her sides. She gripped her slacks and shook her head. The problem was, they were not in a relationship, and that created confusion that Jane didn't quite know how to handle. Did she want to do this because she was in love with Maura, and wanted a future with her, or did she want to do this because she wanted to co-parent with her best friend? Jane glanced away. For the briefest moment, her mind had gone in a direction she didn't allow it to go. She couldn't let her thoughts go there. It wasn't okay. All signs since the kiss pointed to the probability that Maura would never see her that way. None of that knowledge stopped her mind from drifting off to a future where she sat at the kitchen table at Maura's house, old and grey, with a grown up son.

"Are you any clearer?"

"I am." She stood up tall, her eyes fixed on Maura. Whatever the reason, however their lives panned out, she liked the idea of forever being connected to Maura. She wanted to be a parent, and she couldn't think of anyone better to share that journey with. "I wanna have our baby."

Maura narrowed her eyes and placed a jacket back onto the rail. "Right."

"That all you gotta say?"

"I don't know what else there is to say right now," Maura said. "When I came to your apartment, I didn't anticipate your willingness to have the baby."

Jane rolled her eyes and stepped forward, she crossed her arms atop the rail. "If I had to choose between some random stranger having our child, and me, I'd choose me. This is unconventional enough as it is. Why do we need to make it complicated by bringing in a surrogate? You don't wanna try again, now you don't have to."

The crease of Maura's brow deepened. "There is no fool proof option. They were merely considerations. I don't like the thought of disappointment, from any of the possibilities."

Jane gritted her teeth. "You're saying no?"

"I'm saying that I'm not against the idea, what I'm concerned about is that whether I try, or you try, or a surrogate tries, we may still suffer the same disappointing result."

"But we might not." Jane walked around the edge of the rail, her hands outstretched to Maura. She paused, and lowered her arms slightly, before resting them on her shoulders. "Isn't it at least worth a couple more tries? This could work."

"But what," Maura began.

Jane cut her off. "Stop saying what if it doesn't, what if we don't get pregnant, what if we're sad because we're disappointed. Life is full of disappointments, I should know, I've lived a lot of them. You have too. That's not a reason to give up trying, to give up hoping that we could be parents."

"You really want to do this?"

"The more I think about it, the more I want to. I thought I wouldn't get to be a mom, after everything that happened with Casey. This is our chance. Don't let fear of disappointment get in the way."

"We would need an amendment to our contract," Maura said, the corners of her mouth tugged up at the edges.

"Of course."

"We have one more sample in storage, if we need to try again, we'd have to request more."

"Not a problem."

"We have to get an ovulation test, full work ups," Maura continued with a list a mile long.

Jane rested her arms down by her sides and listened, watching her animation at the prospect of trying again. Seeing her so sad in recent weeks made it all the harder. Jane felt her heart swell at the excitement in Maura's eyes, at the glee. If she could make her that happy, all of the time...she stayed silent, distracted by the soft lips moving back and forth with every word that escaped them. She knew she should have listened, Maura expected commitment from her and right now she was ignoring every word. The only sound getting through was the melodic rhythm of Maura's voice.

"I love you," she said, the words toppling out of her upturned mouth before she could stop them.

Maura smiled back. "I love you, too. If I could have chosen any friend to have a child with, I'm glad it's you. Thank you for making this seem possible again."

 _No_. Wrapped up in Maura's arms, Jane thought about the next words she wanted to say, the declaration she didn't realise she'd started, but couldn't quite find the words to continue. Leaving it there, with words she'd said a few times, did not sit well with her. Yet the thought of going forward, now, of all moments, was too monumental. Maura stepped back and returned to her shopping, the moment passed.


	19. Chapter 19

**Author Notes** **: It took a little longer to get this one to you than expected - I was very tired after a weekend away, and my beautiful nephew was born on Monday, who I am already so so so in love with. I had the biggest cuddle with him this afternoon, so my mind has been elsewhere. I still managed to get this written up, though. I hope it'll be worth the wait. (Not that wait, yet, sorry.)**

 **Warning: mention of suicide (case)**

* * *

When Cailin exited the arrivals lounge, Jane stood against the wall with her arms crossed and her sunglasses on. She removed them as Cailin looked around, searching for her sister who wasn't there. Eventually, as Jane hooked the glasses over the edge of her shirt, Cailin caught her eye. A brief frown, followed by a smile, and she stepped towards her.

"Jane, are you here to pick me up? Where's Maura?" Cailin asked, placing her backpack on top of her suitcase.

"She got held up on a case," she said. "She was worrying about you getting off the plane and having to get a cab."

"I don't mind, I'd have been fine."

"I told her you would be," Jane said. "She was rushing around trying to get someone in to do the autopsy; I said I'd come for her."

"It's good to see you," Cailin said, wrapping an arm around Jane's shoulders and pulling her in close.

Jane lifted a hand up to her back and rubbed it up and down. "It's good you could come back. I know Maura's gonna love having you here."

Reaching out for Cailin's bag, Jane's hand collided with Cailin's and they pulled back, laughing. "I can manage."

"You sure?" Jane asked. "I don't fly much but I know I was exhausted when we got back from England."

"I'm fine."

Cailin tugged at the handle and they set off through the airport towards the parking lot. A silence fell over them. Jane twirled her keys in her hands, focusing her attention on the path ahead rather than the silence.

"You must really care about her," Cailin said.

"Who?"

She rolled her eyes. "Maura. Obviously."

"Yeah," Jane said, turning to look at Cailin. "She's my best friend."

Cailin raised an eyebrow. "Why did you come to England?"

"Wha' d' ya mean?"

"Why did you come?" Cailin switched hands, still tugging her suitcase behind her. "It was a long way, and a lot of money, to be there for Mom's funeral. You barely knew us."

"I know Maura."

"I had a friend," Cailin said. "We went to uni together, he was doing some fancy arts degree, so it's not like we had a lot in common academically. But we got along. In our second year his dad died. I went to the funeral."

"I'm not following."

"Todd wasn't just a friend, Jane," she said. "I loved everything about him. Our differences made him special and they made me love him more. I went to the funeral because I loved him, I went to the funeral because he meant everything to me."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I think you know what I'm trying to say."

She did know. It nestled into the very core of her being, into the place inside where she hid her secrets and protected her heart. There she fought against Cailin's intrusion, desperate to get away from the conversation but knowing she had no other option but to carry on walking at her side.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Why not? Maura won't admit there's anything going on, even though I can see that it's hurting her being this confused."

Jane stopped walking, her eyebrows sunk low, a crease settled between them. She could hear the strain in her own voice. "What does she have to be confused about?"

" _You_."

The answer, though not entirely unexpected, hit her harder than she anticipated. Jane sighed. "This really isn't any of your business, Cailin. It's between me and Maura."

"I just want you to know that I care about Maura, I want what's best for her. If she thinks that's you, then I'd be really happy about that. You need to start communicating better."

"We're communicating just fine."

"Did you talk about the kiss again?"

" _No_." Jane scowled, her eyes darted toward Cailin. "How do you even know about that?"

"Maura."

Gritting her teeth, Jane stood a little taller, her fists clenched by her sides. "She had no right."

"Really? _None at all_? I'm her _sister_. She has nobody she can talk to about this."

"I'm not discussing this with you," Jane said, setting off again.

"Fine." Cailin jogged to catch up. "But if you did want to, I want what's best for both of you."

"What's best is it you'd let this go," Jane said, marching on ahead.

x

Pacing across the hallway, Maura gathered her thoughts. She felt a rise of anger building, then fall, as she searched her mind for the best way to explain her feelings in that moment. She only had half a conversation, and she didn't quite know what to believe. She read the text message from Jane one more time then slipped her phone into the pocket of her pants suit. When the bathroom door opened, Maura stared at Cailin for a second.

"You okay?"

"Why did you speak to Jane about the kiss?"

Cailin sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise it would piss her off quite so much."

"This isn't about Jane, this is about you breaking my trust."

Frowning, Cailin leaned against the wall. "I didn't realise I was doing that, Maura. I talked to Jane about an incident that involved her."

"An incident that I spoke to you about in confidence."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to overstep the mark."

Maura stood a little taller, her emotions vying for attention as she pursed her lips. "No, _I'm_ sorry. I've been feeling quite stressed recently. I know you meant well."

"I really did." Cailin walked across the hallway toward her bedroom door. "She's so closed off to talking about this, Maura. Have you even tried?"

"No." Maura lowered her head. "I can't. Not now."

"Why not?"

"I," Maura paused, the only person she'd spoken to about how she felt was paid to listen to her. They weren't there to judge, they didn't have a personal stake, or know Jane. "I'm scared."

"Come here," Cailin said, resting a hand on her back and motioning her towards the bedroom.

Maura went inside. She didn't spend a lot of time in the spare room. The only real memories she had of the room was the handful of times she'd laid side by side with Jane, talking into the night. Cailin sat down on the bed and Maura joined her. She lay down, her mind drifted to the moments of honesty with Jane beside her and she felt herself loosen up.

"If I tell Jane that I have feelings for her, what then?"

"What do you think would happen if you did that?" Cailin asked, leaning against the bedhead.

"I'm not guessing. I don't guess."

"Hypothesise then."

Maura narrowed her eyes, then rolled them briefly. They both knew it was the same thing, though labelling it differently made it feel more acceptable.

"She might tell me she doesn't feel the same way, and it ruin our friendship."

"What else could happen?"

"She might tell me she does feel the same way, and it not work out, thus ruining our friendship."

Cailin laughed, a sound that ordinarily would have made Maura smile. On the one hand it was lovely to see her so happy, so at peace with the world in the wake of their mother's death. On the other, the laughter cut deep.

"I'm sorry," she said, forcing the laughter aside. "Both scenarios you've come up with the worst case scenario. Have you ever considered that she might feel the same way, _and_ it work out?"

"I," Maura clasped her hands together across her stomach and stared up at the ceiling. The thought had crossed her mind, of course it had, but she couldn't expect anything and she knew hoping too hard would only put her heart on the line.

"It doesn't matter what your answer is," Cailin said. "What matters is that you just admitted you have feelings for Jane."

"I don't know how to handle them," Maura said, rolling onto her side. Cailin scooted down, a mirror image of her older sister.

"You've been in relationships before?"

"I have." She closed her eyes, her previous suitors flashed before her eyes. "Not one of them felt like this. One person came close, I could have married him. But it hasn't felt like this for any of them."

"Maura," Cailin said, reaching a hand out to her cheek. She ran her fingers across the tears that slid their way down the contours of her face. "Please don't cry."

"I don't know how to do this without everything falling apart. How can anyone take such a massive risk with the one constant in their life? Jane isn't just a person I know. She is everything to me, Cailin. She has been my one and only true friend, she has provided me with comfort, with laughter, and with so much love. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have a family, I probably would never have connected with Hope and I'd never have met you."

"There's a lot at stake," Cailin said. "But what if this is the one thing that makes everything even better? What if your friendship was never just about being friends? Maybe, just maybe, she is the only person that matters, in every way?"

"I want to believe it." Maura pawed at her cheeks. "I want it to be true. But taking the step to finding out is the hardest thing, and I don't know if I have the strength. Our lives are stable, we're in a good place. Jane and I are going to try to get pregnant again in a few days' time."

Cailin rested her head against the pillow. "You're still doing that?"

"Yes."

"Don't you think you should talk about how you feel first?"

Maura closed her eyes, then stared up into Cailin's. "Is it wrong of me to want there to be a successful pregnancy holding us together before we take the biggest risk of our lives?"

Cailin sighed. "Oh Maura. Do you really think you need a baby to stop Jane from running in the opposite direction?"

"No," Maura whispered. "But I'm scared, and we both want a child. If Jane and I never become anything more than friends, that doesn't change the fact we want to co-parent a child. Right now we must focus on that."

x

"How you doing, Doc?" Jane asked, stepping up to the edge of the autopsy table and staring down at the old man lay on the table, his eyes closed, peaceful.

Maura finished stitching him back up, the body returned to its original state. "Alan Goldstein died of cardiac tamponade."

"What's that?"

"It's a type of pericardial effusion, to précis, his heart wasn't working effectively, the fluid around the heart needed draining, and it didn't happen. This was a natural death. Kent's informing his family as we speak."

"Cailin not coming in today?"

"We agreed to begin next week, to give her time to adjust to a different time zone and a few days to catch up with her friends."

"We any closer on the Cruz case?"

"We're still waiting for results from the DNA sample." Maura placed her instruments on the metal tray and made a final note on the documentation. "I do have toxicology results on Ellie Fischer, though."

"The young suicide victim?" Jane lowered her gaze. Fifteen was too young to die, especially by her own hand. Jane could still remember the look on the girls' face as she lay on the table, cold and empty.

"It wasn't suicide," Maura said.

Jane looked up. "What was it then?"

"We've found traces of flunitrazepam in her system."

"What's that?"

"You may know it as Rohypnol."

Jane closed her eyes and sighed. She gritted her teeth for a moment. "She'd been given roofies?"

"I don't know if you recall, but there were inconsistencies on the body. That is the only reason I refused to rule her death a suicide in the first instance. There were fibres under her fingernails which we were unclear of the origin. At the time we passed them off as unimportant because of the significance of the ligature damage. Tests evidence them as fibres from clothing, polycotton. They could have been picked up for any number of reasons. In light of the toxicology report, I suspect they came from her attacker's clothing." Maura walked into her office, Jane at her tail, and picked up a file. She took out a photograph. "At the time I had no conclusive explanation for the bruises on her underarms, now I would surmise they were caused by being lifted into position."

"Was she raped?"

Maura held up a finger. "Actually, no."

"No?"

"There was absolutely no sign of a sexual assault. There was no damage to her inner thighs or her vaginal area."

"So her attacker slipped her a roofie but didn't rape her? What the hell were they doing?"

"Whilst flunitrazepam is known as a date rape drug its uses far surpass that possibility. It's a depressant of the central nervous system, it has similar properties as diazepam – Valium – and is used in the short term treatment of insomnia. It's a sedative and a muscle relaxant. For that reason alone, flunitrazepam can be used to render someone unconscious and thus make it easier for the person that killed Ellie to move her into a position to stage her death as suicide."

"So, murder."

"That is what my findings suggest."

Jane's shoulders dropped. She didn't know whether a fifteen-year-old being murdered or ending her own life was the better scenario, but she didn't like either of them. She thanked Maura and returned to the office to inform Korsak and Frankie of the findings. She slouched into her desk chair.

"Hey, Frankie, you spoke to Ellie Fischer's parents, didn't you?" Jane asked.

"Ellie Fischer," he frowned and looked at Jane.

"The fifteen-year-old suicide victim last month."

"Oh. Yeah. They didn't say much," Frankie said. "You got the file?"

She handed it over. Frankie flicked through it, referring to his notes. He closed the file again. "Ellie was a happy girl; she wasn't popular but she had a small group of close friends. They said she was a good student, but she'd been unwell. She got out of a treatment facility up in Connecticut about a week before her suicide."

"Maura's bumped her death up to murder."

Frankie sat upright and closed the file. "You're kidding me?"

"Tox screen came back, she had roofies in her system. There's other evidence that didn't add up before. Did her parents tell you which facility?"

"Altmore."

"Talk to someone at Altmore who remembers Ellie," Jane said, grabbing her jacket off the back of her chair. "Korsak, I think we need to go speak to Ellie's friends."

x

"Mr Cooper said you and Ellie were best friends," Jane said, sitting down opposite the teenage girl in an empty classroom. Korsak perched on a chair beside them.

"We met when we were in first grade, we've been friends ever since. We _were_ friend," she looked down at the desk in front of her.

Jane smiled sympathetically. "What was she like, Jen?"

"Goofy," Jen said, her smile turning quickly into tears. "It's been six weeks and I still feel so sad that she's not here."

"It's okay to still feel that way," Jane said, resting her hand on the girl's wrist and sliding it back down onto the table. "So, you two were close. I bet you told each other everything."

She nodded, lifting her gaze up to Jane's. She wiped at the tears on her cheeks. "We went through a difficult patch a few months before she died, but then we had a good talk and we cleared the air."

"What happened? What made it difficult?"

"Ellie's gay," she said, staring into Jane's eyes, the words clear on her tongue.

The words hit home, nestling themselves in Jane's brain. She took a sideways glance at Korsak, the weight of her own secret heavy on her heart. Jen's voice pulled her back into the conversation, she pushed her insecurities away.

"She didn't know how to tell me. She went really distant for a while, like she didn't want to be friends anymore. She was my best friend, I didn't care. When she told me, I just hugged her and she thanked me for being there for her. She didn't know what she was going to do."

"What she was gonna do about what?"

"Her parents." Jen's tears increased, her shoulders shook as she sobbed louder. "They didn't approve. She didn't tell them, at least I don't think she did. But they always talked about it like it was bad, a sin. She was scared."

A lump settled in the back of Jane's throat. She pushed it down, fighting with her emotions. The feelings she felt as a teenager flooded back and she struggled to catch her breath. Silence followed. Eventually, once it became untenable, Korsak jumped in.

"Jen, do you know anything about the facility Ellie went to?"

"No." She shook her head. "What facility? Was that when she was ill for like a month? I went round but her parents told me she was ill. I didn't know she went to any facility."

"Did she have a girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me about her?"

"They were seeing each other before she got sick, or went away, I guess. When she came back they didn't really see each other. But I know she was going to meet her the day she died."

"Do you have a name?"

"Callie Ritchie, she goes to a school across town. They met at a group for LGBTQ teens."

Jane's cellphone rang. She picked it up and walked across the room. She stared out of the window. "Rizzoli."

 _"Jane, it's Frankie, got some information on Altmore. It's a rehabilitation facility."_

"Drugs?"

 _"No." He sighed, the silence palpable. "They specialise in gay conversion therapy."_

Pain coursed through Jane's throat until the lump pushed tears into her eyes. She didn't know why it bothered her so much. She thanked Frankie, placed her cellphone back into her pocket and headed for the door.

"Excuse me," she whispered.

Out in the corridor, she closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. Her heart thrummed in her chest. She leaned forward, her hands on her knees. For the first time she could see why her mother had tried to protect her, why being who she was still didn't fully fit into society, even then. She stood up and jogged down the corridor and out onto the main concourse. Students filed past her, the bell ringing for next class. Jane stood, surrounded by teenagers, staring out across the grass. She visualized Ellie Fischer's body on the floor six weeks previously, the rope still hanging from the tree. Wiping tears from her cheeks, she gasped at the air.

"What's going on?" Korsak asked, stepping up behind her. Jane swiped at her cheek and focused straight ahead.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

She didn't turn round. She couldn't face him. She cleared her throat and rested her hands on her hips. "Altmore is a gay conversion facility. Her parents knew."

"Motive? If the parents found out about the girlfriend…"

"I dunno." She tapped her foot on the floor and closed her eyes. She breathed out slowly, recapturing her breath at every available opportunity. A couple more tears strolled down the edge of her nose, landing on her lip, salty to the taste.

"Jane."

She ignored Korsak's voice, his curious, loving, caring voice. Being who she was had never been an option. Now she was faced with the reality of letting herself be free. If free was even a word she could truly use. His hand landed on her shoulder, her whole body shook, her teeth chattered.

"You can tell me nothing's wrong, but I know you Jane."

"You don't," she whispered, tears evident in her voice. She licked fresh tears from her upper lip. She wasn't sure she knew herself anymore. "You don't."

"What's got you?"

She closed her eyes and lowered her head. Telling her mother, Maura, Frankie, it was different. They were family. They were different. She knew Korsak well enough to know he didn't hate gays, not like some of the cops she'd met over the years. What she didn't know was how well he'd respond to someone he knew coming out. He stood in front of her, his eyes burning a hole in her pupils as he stared hard.

"What's going on? This isn't the Jane I know. Jane Rizzoli is hard and fast, and she doesn't let cases get to her. Why this one?"

"Because she's gay," Jane whispered, staring back into his eyes, hoping that would be enough to appease his wondering mind.

Korsak's eyes narrowed. "Forgive my old mind, Jane, I'm gonna need more than that."

She sighed, breathing out slowly, a whimper followed. "Because I'm gay."


	20. Chapter 20

**Author Note** **: Thank you all for your patience and for the comments, etc. It's taken a little while to get this chapter completed, but here we are.**

* * *

The longest silence followed Jane's words. She fought the tears, the whimpering that forced its way out with every harried breath. Korsak didn't say anything. She swiped the back of her hand across her cheek, rubbed at her eyes until they hurt under the pressure, blocking out the image of him standing in front of her. Still Korsak didn't say anything. Fear. Regret. Guilt. A bundle of emotions battled her will for him to be the person she always hoped he would be.

When his arms wrapped around her shoulders, she sunk into them.

Sometimes she forgot how much of a father figure he'd become. He'd always been a mentor, a friend, and when Frost died they'd grown closer. His presence in her life was one constant that she could rely on. Any threat to that tipped her into unfamiliar, and frightening, territory. She feared the day he finally retired. None of that stopped her whole body from shaking under his touch.

"Jane," he said, his voice gentle against her ear. "It's okay."

She rested her face against his shoulder. "Doesn't feel okay."

"Being gay or telling me?"

"Both."

"I don't care about that stuff," he said. "I know I'm not very good with all the touchy feely I'm proud of you spiel, and sometimes I feel like I'm too old to understand, but it doesn't change anything. We're still partners, we're still friends."

She nodded. "Thanks."

"This case is pretty close to home." She nodded again. "The world can be a cruel place. You know that. This doesn't change that, it doesn't make it worse, just different."

"Ellie didn't even get a chance."

"I know. We will find out who killed her, and we'll throw everything we've got at 'em. Okay?"

"Okay."

She pulled out of his arms and took a step backward. She straightened up, ran her hands down the front of her slacks and forged a smile.

"We should go back to BPD."

"If that's what you want."

"It is." She wiped a couple of fresh tears from her cheek and breathed in slowly. "Gotta solve this case."

"Sure." He ran a hand across her shoulder. "But you can take the afternoon off, me and Frankie can question the parents."

x

Sergeant Korsak hovered outside Maura's office. She could see him moving out of the corner of her eye as she completed paperwork on the latest autopsy. She clicked save on her laptop and glanced up.

"Sergeant," she said, he stopped pacing and stood in the doorway. "Please come in, take a seat."

She stood up and reheated the pot of water she'd boiled in the makeshift kitchenette set up in her office. Some days she didn't feel like walking to the end of the corridor for a drink. She placed a couple of cups beside it. Korsak sat down nearest the door.

"Tea?"

"No, thank you. I just had a coffee."

Maura placed a teabag in one cup, then filled it with water. Carrying it across the room, Maura placed it on the table to stew and took a seat opposite her friend and colleague.

"It's rare I see you down here when I'm not actively working on a case."

"I'm worried about Jane."

The mere suggestion of something not being right with Jane hit her hard, filling her heart with a longing desire to make sure that Jane was, in fact, okay and Korsak was merely surmising. She picked up her tea and squashed the liquid out of the teabag with a spoon, swirling the orangey liquid around her cup.

"What's caused you to feel that way?" Maura asked, maintaining professionalism and calm.

"The Ellie Fischer case hit a snag. I suppose you could call it a break, but it's not something we'd like to believe possible."

"Would you care to explain further?"

Korsak nodded. "Ellie was in a rehabilitation facility. Her parents sent her there for gay conversion therapy. We questioned her parents. They're holding their cards pretty close to the chest. Nina's doing some research on them as we speak. It's looking likely this was a homophobic murder."

"Oh," Maura whispered. "That poor girl."

A silence followed. Maura sipped on her tea. She could see, without explanation, the impact such a case could have on Jane. But whether Korsak had an accurate picture of his concern for Jane or not was something she could not ask.

"Jane told me." Korsak looked into Maura's eyes, holding her gaze. "I didn't ask, but I assume you know. She tells you everything."

"I know," Maura said.

"I'm glad she told me." Korsak sighed. "She was a mess, Maura. I've never seen her shaken so badly by a case before."

Maura reached out to Korsak's wrist. "There's a lot going on for Jane right now. It's not something she's been entirely comfortable with, her whole life. The case has come at a bad time."

"I don't know how to look out for her on this," he said. "I don't know anything about being gay."

"You don't need to know. You just need to be there for her. If she wants to talk, let her talk. If she doesn't, well, that's Jane. I could recommend some therapists who specialise in this field, but I don't think Jane would be responsive to that."

Korsak shrugged. "I don't think she would."

"She's due to come over to my house tonight. I can try and talk with her then."

"Thanks, Maura. I appreciate that."

x

Heat was nearing empty when Jane walked in. She headed straight for the bar, the absence of the buzz of the night she visited with Frankie was not missed. Though she didn't mind escaping into music so loud she couldn't think straight, or the kindness of the drag queens walking through the crowds. What she really wanted was to be sitting in the Dirty Robber. A heightened sense of fear surrounded her since the break in the case. She knew, deep down, that she was probably safe, but it didn't stop her mind from dancing through the experiences of others. The perception of safety at the club appealed.

"Jane Rizzoli?"

The bartender placed a bottle of beer on the counter and she placed a ten dollar bill beside it. She picked up the bottle and twisted round in her seat. The voice was unfamiliar, yet she recognised it instantly.

"Gabs?"

Her mouth dropped open. To disguise what felt like a rude symbol of shock, Jane lifted the bottle of beer to her lip and swallowed a mouthful.

"I thought it was you." Her arms landed around Jane's shoulders. She stayed in her seat, frozen by the confusion of the chance meeting.

Jane trailed a hand across her back and breathed in the unfamiliar scent of the first woman she slept with. The first woman she kissed. The first woman she fell in love with. Of all the moments, of all the places, Jane shook her head and loosened her grip until Gabriele stood back.

"This is a coincidence."

"Right?" Gabriele smiled, her mouth wide, her happiness evident. "I never thought I'd see you in a place like this."

"Why not?"

Gabriele looked down at Jane, her eyebrows raised. "I thought your Ma would have beaten it out of you."

"She's not that bad," Jane said, feeling especially defensive. "She's not violent."

"I didn't mean literally. I thought I'd never see you again."

"Likewise."

"It's been too long. How are the mean streets of Boston treating my favourite cop? You did become a cop, right? I think you've been in the paper a few times," Gabriele said, perching on a stool beside her.

Jane span round to face her. "Yeah. I'm a detective now."

"You're a detective?" Gabriele glanced down, her eyes stopped on the holster at Jane's side. "You packing?"

"Yeah."

"That's hot."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Seriously?"

"What do you think attracted me to you in the first place?" asked Gabriele, she fluttered her eyelashes and ran a hand across Jane's wrist.

Jane smiled. "My charm and sarcastic wit?"

"That too," Gabriele said. She sighed. "Who knew Jane Rizzoli would become Detective Rizzoli? What bit do you do?"

"I work homicide, been doing it for a while now."

"That sounds morbid."

"I guess." Jane supped her beer and leaned against the bar. "I enjoy the challenge."

"I always knew you'd go far."

Being so close to someone who once meant so much played tricks with her mind. Gabriele had always been a bit of a flirt, and Jane couldn't help wonder what would have happened if they'd stayed together. She trailed a finger down the side of her beer, distracting herself briefly.

"What are you doing now?" she asked, gripping the beer in her hand.

"I'm a stay at home mom."

Jane sat up straight. "You're a mom?"

"Yeah." Gabriele's smile grew further than Jane ever recalled seeing it. "Does that seem so strange to you?"

"Kinda." Jane shrugged, and retreated. "You were a bit of a stoner with a bad attitude when we met."

"All that changed when I met Candice."

Regret filled her up, merging with guilt and a little self-loathing. If things were different, they wouldn't be having that conversation. "Candice? What sort of name is that? Do people call her Candy?"

"Still the sarcastic bitch I know and love."

"Wouldn't be anyone else."

"You look sad."

Jane shrugged again. Every little thing from the last few weeks piled on top of each other. She sipped her beer, swallowed the mouthful, and lowered her gaze. "The world isn't what I thought it was."

"Is it ever?" Gabriele's voice lowered. Jane turned her attention back to her, sensing something significant. "When we broke up I slept with a man; the best and worst thing I ever did."

"Why did you do that?" The crease between her eyebrows deepened. "I thought you were one hundred per cent gay?"

"Oh, I am. Guess I was heartbroken."

"Over me?"

"You know I loved you, right?"

Jane's heart sunk. She nodded. "I felt the same."

"As hard as it was losing you, I don't regret sleeping with him. I have the best kid in the world."

"Shit. Candice is your kid?"

"Yeah." Gabriele smiled. "It's okay. I love her name, that's all that matters. I named her after my grandma."

"That's nice."

"Yeah. Candice Jane."

"Seriously?" Jane placed her beer on the bar.

Gabriele leaned closer, tangling her little finger around Jane's. "You were influential in my life, Jane Rizzoli. I was also an ex-stoner with no friends, so I didn't really know what else to call her. It seemed like the best thing to do, to name her after two of my favourite people at the time."

"I dunno what to say."

"You don't have to say anything."

"You said you're a stay at home mom," Jane said. "Surely she doesn't need you to stay home anymore."

"No. She's at college now. I have four year old twins, Billy and Bobby, with my wife."

"You sure know how to pick fun names," Jane said, rolling her eyes.

"You sure know how to pass judgement on my children."

"I'm sorry. My bitchiness is at a ten today."

"No shit."

"I'm glad you've got a family, I know you always wanted that. Your dad would be proud."

"Maybe. My grandma wasn't so happy when Candice came along. She thinks he'd have thrown me out by my ear, if he was still around."

"At least if he had, it would have been a better job than your pathetic excuse for a mother."

"She's not so pathetic these days."

"You've seen her?"

"She went to rehab, cleaned herself up a few years back when my grandma died. Things are different now. I think she's taken to being a grandmother better than she did being a mom."

"Every cloud."

"Yeah."

Jane finished her beer and pushed it across the bar. Gabriele ordered another round of drinks. "So, what's wrong? Not that you have to tell me, since we haven't seen each other in twenty years."

"You ever think that your life isn't what you wanted it to be?" Jane asked.

"Not really." Gabriele picked up her glass of cola. "Do you?"

"All the time."

"What would you do differently, if you could go back and make it what you want?"

"I'd tell the woman I love that I love her," Jane said, her cheeks reddened the moment she finished talking. She didn't know Gabriele anymore, they were strangers with a shared history, yet she'd said more to her in the last half hour than she'd said to Maura recently.

Gabriele's soft laugh pulled her backward twenty years. If she thought long enough about it, she missed her. In reality, she knew she probably missed the idea of her, more than anything else. But it still consumed her.

"Don't think you need a time machine for that."

"I'd know sooner," Jane said, hating her shortcomings when it came to honesty. She could sit there and say how much she wished to tell Maura her feelings sooner, yet she knew she'd go home after their drinks and not be honest about her feelings. "I'd let me be me sooner so I could be with her earlier."

"So, it's all about love?" Gabriele rolled her eyes. "Of course it is, the world revolves around it."

"No," said Jane, sighing. Her depressive state could not be attributed to one thing alone. "It's not just about love. I love my job but sometimes I think everything would be different if I wasn't a cop."

"You wouldn't be a hero."

"Not sure I'm a hero now."

"Are you joking? You solve homicides, you're literally taking killers off the streets."

"Most murders are committed by people the victim knows." Jane swallowed a mouthful of beer. "I'm not saving the public from serial killers on a regular basis."

"You really don't see yourself, do you?" Gabriele asked, her eyes narrowed.

"Wha' d' ya mean?"

"You don't see how amazing you are, your good qualities."

"I fuck things up all the time," Jane said. "I'm nothing special."

"You ever think that maybe that's part of your problem?" Gabriele asked.

"Why?"

"You love this woman, right?" Not waiting for an answer, Gabriele continued. "Yet you won't tell her you love her, you won't tell her you have feelings for her. You're a hero, what you do every day matters, but you're sat here saying it's unimportant. Jane, if people can't see how important you are that's their business. You need to see it, though, too. You need to realise how great you are."

"Why?" She stared at her, the face of the woman she once knew so well. She looked different. She sounded different. Life had changed her and it made her feel so much sadder. "It won't get me anywhere."

"God, you're so depressing."

Gabriele turned her attention back to her drink, and they sat in a comfortable silence for a while. Jane nursed her beer.

"I'm nearly forty," she said, after a while. "But I've not got a lot to show for it. I didn't get what was up with Maura when she hit the big four-oh, now I see it. It's like you realise everything's gone to shit and there's nothing you can do to change it now."

"You're turning forty, not eighty." Gabriele laughed. "You're still young."

"I wanted to go to college, I wanted to travel the world."

"Why didn't you?"

"I...I don't know." Jane paused. "I tell people I didn't go to college because I wanted to be a cop, or if I'm honest, because of my Pop. But I didn't have to go to some fancy, expensive school. I could have found a cheaper one. I should have found a cheaper one."

"What would you have studied?"

"I dunno."

"What would you have done afterwards?"

"I dunno. Be a cop, probably."

"So, same result."

"I guess."

"You've got a good career," Gabriele said, gripping her wrist. "Maybe life isn't what you planned, or wanted it to be, but there's got to be some good things."

"There are," she said. The first thing that sprang into her mind was Maura, and she felt her heart ache in her chest. "Another?"

x

The house was quiet, so quiet that Maura couldn't stop thinking about the lack of noise. She checked her cellphone for the umpteenth time, then tried to ring Jane.

"Where are you?" she asked, leaving a message on her voicemail. "You said you'd come over for seven so we could try. Why aren't you answering your phone? Korsak's worried, and now I'm worried too. Please, call me back."

She placed her phone back on the coffee table and stared at the television screen. A housing show was on, and she distracted herself for a few minutes in the ostentatious decor of the participants. When her phone rang a moment later, Maura scooped it up and held it to her ear.

"Jane?"

"It's Cailin."

Maura's heart sunk, then she felt guilty for being disappointed that her sister had called. Cailin repeated her words as Maura stayed silent. "I'm sorry. I thought it was Jane."

"I just wanted to let you know I'm staying at my friend's place tonight, so don't worry when I'm not there in the morning."

"Thank you for your consideration," Maura said.

"I thought Jane was coming over."

"She's supposed to be."

"I'll get off the line in case she's trying to get through, I'll see you tomorrow."

Returning her phone to the coffee table, Maura refocused her attention on the television show. She didn't like to waste an evening watching something for the sake of watching it. She liked to be productive, to give each activity she took part in some purpose. Had Jane been by her side, it wouldn't have mattered quite so much.

But they were supposed to be trying for a baby.

She tried her phone again, and left another message. Disappointment swirled up amongst the concern. Deep down she knew Jane was probably okay, that it was likely she just needed time to herself, but that didn't stop the hurt that Maura felt knowing she'd forgotten her.

* * *

 **Author Note** **: I know it may feel like we've taken a giant step back, but I promise you, this is still moving forward. The problem is I can't write things briefly that need to be written in full, so it's taking a lot longer than anticipated. But we will get there eventually.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Author Notes : Thank you for all of your comments and responses. When I said things are moving forward, they definitely are, it's just not always possible to see. Everything in my stories happens for a reason, and the last chapter was no different. I go away tomorrow for the weekend so it make take a few days after that for me to get back into writing (again) but we'll see. I'm hoping to get another chapter written tonight that I can upload tomorrow at some point because or reasons.**

* * *

"Thanks for walking me to the office," Jane said, smiling at Gabriele as she took a couple of steps backwards toward the steps of Boston Police Department.

"I had a great time," Gabriele said. "I don't get a free pass to drink all night much, what with the twins."

Jane laughed, a little wobbly on her feet. "I can't believe I stayed up all night. I think I'm still drunk."

"Probably. Those shots killed me. My wife is gonna hate me when I get back."

"Actually hate you or not really?"

"It's her day off, she'll take the kids to pre-school, then we'll probably fuck all day. She loves it when I'm tipsy."

"Does she know you spent the night with your ex?"

"Yeah. I called her hours ago, she doesn't mind. She's pretty open."

"Open?"

"Sexually."

"What do you mean?"

"We probably could have slept together and she wouldn't mind. I gave her a free pass when a hot woman came onto her at last year's Pride. She owes me." Gabriele raised her eyebrows and stared at Jane. "Don't look so confused. We have a semi-open marriage, it works for us."

"I've just never considered anything like that before," Jane said, her eyebrows creased together. "I'm more of a monogamy kind of girl."

"I figured. Probably a good thing we didn't work out then."

"I should go," Jane said. "I have to go to work, if Korsak doesn't send me home. I probably stink of beer."

Gabriele leaned forward and animatedly sniffed her chest. "Yep, beer tits."

Jane laughed. "That's what happens when someone spills beer all over your chest."

"You weren't complaining when I cleaned it all up."

"I was too drunk to care that you used your tongue and wandering fingers. It's the most action I've had in weeks."

"I had a great time, Jane," Gabriele said, trailing her hands down Jane's arms and stepping a little closer. She leaned in, her lips inches from Jane's. She glanced up into her eyes then back down as the gap closed. Jane breathed in the stale scent of alcohol as their mouths merged together. When Gabriele pulled away, she stumbled forwards. "I'm sorry we didn't get to be together longer when we were kids, I think we could have been something special."

"Yeah," Jane said, running her fingertips along her bottom lip.

"I'll see you around."

"Bye."

She watched Gabriele walk away, her eyes turned back towards Jane as she purposefully watched her trail her eyes down to her legs. Jane smirked. When she disappeared around the street corner, reality hit. Jane turned her attention to the steps beside her, and the uniformed officers staring, wide eyed. Her chest ached at the thought of everyone finding out about her dalliance with women.

"Shut it," she snapped, marching past them on her way up the steps.

x

Standing in the doorway watching Korsak work, Jane clung to the door frame. She was fine on her way up in the elevator, but the second she reached the homicide unit, Jane's legs lost their stability. She leaned her head against the wood and tried to find some semblance of composure.

"I can smell you from here," Korsak shouted. "You shouldn't be here smelling like a beer factory."

Jane stepped forward, one hand on the door frame until she was sure she wasn't going to fall over. She swallowed a lump settled in the back of her throat and prepared herself for the berating.

"You left your cell in my car," Korsak said, nodding to her desk where her cell phone sat beside her keys. "I'd shout at you but I don't think it'd do any good today. Get out of here before anyone else sees you."

"I'm sorry," she said, lowering her head. "I wasn't gonna get so drunk."

"Not my business, Jane."

"I'm sorry," she repeated.

"You feeling better?"

"Not really."

"Maybe you should take a step back from the case, let me and Frankie handle this one."

"No." She sighed, too tired, and a little nauseous to be discussing it. "I want to be involved. What happened with the parents?"

"I'm not discussing this with you, Jane." Korsak placed a couple of sheets of paper on top of the file and closed it. "You shouldn't be here when you're not fit for duty."

"I just want to know how it went. It's not your problem. I'm past it, it's just still in my system."

"You smell like a bar, you're wobbling around. It is my problem if you stick around and become actively involved in a case. As your superior I can't pretend otherwise."

"Then text me the details, or call me when I've left."

"No. Jane, you need to leave. Your phone's been ringing on and off all morning."

Scooping it up, Jane checked the screen: several missed calls all from Maura, and a handful of voicemail messages. She slipped her keys into her pocket. "Okay. Thanks, Korsak. I'll see you tomorrow."

On her way out the door, she could hear Korsak shouting after her. "You might wanna get a cab home."

x

"Jane."

"I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry," she said, standing on the doorstep.

"You say that but it doesn't make it okay." Maura folded her arms across her chest. A wave of mixed emotions overwhelmed her. "Where have you been? Are you okay? Korsak told me about the case. We were both worried."

"I'm fine."

"I see." Jane's nonchalance about her disappearing act left her more disappointed than the disappearance itself. Maura sighed. "You've been drinking."

Jane shrugged. "I had a few drinks with an old friend. I left my phone in Korsak's car."

"You do realise I've been up all night worrying about you," said Maura, tears threatening to fall. She'd been on edge since the night before.

" _All night?_ "

"Yes. I tried to sleep but I couldn't." She cleared her throat and pushed down her emotions. "Not when I didn't know if you were okay."

"I'm _fine_ , Maura."

"Fine enough to drink yourself silly." She stared into Jane's eyes and in that moment her resolve crumbled. She swiped a couple of tears from her cheek. "You let me down. We were supposed to try to get pregnant last night. Instead you've been out all night partying."

"I don't party. I drink." Jane stepped towards her and wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders, for the briefest moment she succumbed to the comfort. "I'm here now, we can try now."

"It's too late," Maura said, pulling away, her voice taut.

"No, it's not. I'm ovulating for a couple days." Jane smiled, an air of calm about her. "You know my ovulation schedule better than I do."

The laid back attitude left a bitter taste in Maura's mouth. They'd been working towards this moment for the past couple of weeks and Maura had built herself up to it. The lackadaisical approach Jane appeared to have didn't sit well with Maura. She needed structure, she had structure, and Jane had let her down.

"You've got alcohol in your system. We should wait until next month."

"Why?"

"To increase our chances of you getting pregnant."

"Next month I'll be forty," Jane said.

Maura sighed. Realistically she knew fertility didn't drop overnight, but she didn't really want their first attempt to be after Jane's birthday. Nor did she want to risk their chances with the presence of alcohol.

"One month won't hurt."

"I wanna try now," Jane said. "We have enough sample to try now and again next month. You said yourself it probably won't happen first time. What can it hurt?"

"I'm not comfortable doing this when you're intoxicated."

"Please, Maura." Jane rested her hands on Maura's shoulders. The intensity of her eyes fixed on Maura's and the confused bundle of feelings dancing about in Maura's heart left her breathless. She stayed silent as Jane continued. "I don't want to have to wait another month. I made a mistake. Let's just try. There's no harm in trying."

"It's unlikely to work."

Odds were against them, and when it was already emotionally draining, Maura didn't much care to make them worse.

"It's probably not gonna work anyway. I wanna do this this month. I want to do this today." Jane brushed her hair back from the edge of her face. The touch of her fingers against her cheek. Maura's body reacted. She stared up into her eyes and for the briefest moment wondered if Jane was going to try kissing her. When she stepped back again, Maura's heart sunk. "Besides, I know you don't want to do this when I'm drunk, but it'll make it easier for me. The thought of you doing that to me kinda freaks me out."

"You did it to me, multiple times," Maura whispered, the words laced with emotion she struggled to hide.

"That's different."

"Why?"

"You're more open to showing off your bits in public."

Maura sighed, the moment passed. She forced confidence back into her voice. "I have never shown off 'my bits' in public. Excepting the incident at college, and that was merely a protest not exhibitionism."

"You know what I mean."

"If you'll recall, I was not entirely comfortable with it myself."

"So, alcohol is good," Jane said, pulling off her shirt.

"What are you doing?" Maura ushered her inside, searching the street behind her. "The neighbours might see. You don't need to take your shirt off, just your pants."

"Gotcha."

x

Lay on the bed, Maura listened to Jane's slow, methodical breath. She closed her eyes and pressed her feet against the headboard, emulating Jane. She had no reason to do so but found comfort in the action. She opened her eyes again and turned her head to Jane.

"You had drinks with an old friend," she said. The upset and anger had subsided before the insemination. Whether it worked or not, she could have impregnated Jane and a baby could be being formed as they lay there. It was unlikely it would happen that quickly, if at all, but Maura figured she might as well attempt to clear the air.

"Yeah," Jane replied. "Gabriele. I met her in a bar, complete coincidence."

"Who's Gabriele?"

"My ex-girlfriend."

"The one you met when you were twenty?"

"Yeah. Didn't mean to drink so much but I needed to escape. I needed to not have to think about anything for a while."

"The case?"

Jane's eyebrows creased. "Yeah."

"Whoever killed that poor girl will get their comeuppance."

"I hope so." Jane stayed silent for a few minutes. Maura listened again to her gentle breaths. "I'm scared that people will find out."

"What about?"

"Me. Being gay." Jane rubbed at her eyes, a few tears strolled down her cheeks. "I stupidly let her walk with me to BPD and we kissed outside."

"You kissed her?" Maura asked, sitting up. Another wave of emotions enshrouded her. She stared down at Jane.

"Yeah," Jane said, as relaxed as ever. Despite her fears about everyone finding out, Maura couldn't help noting how much more relaxed Jane was about kissing this woman.

"Oh."

"Oh?" Jane sat up next to her.

Maura observed how early it was for her to be sitting up, but pushed the thought aside. Their odds were already low, it was almost comical to attempt to rectify the issue now. "I…I didn't realise you were looking for another relationship."

"I'm not." Jane shrugged. "Not with Gabriele, anyway."

"Then who?"

"What do you mean who?" The crease between her eyebrows deepened. "How am I supposed to know?"

"Why are we doing this if you don't know?" Maura asked. Her question made little sense now, after they'd inseminated Jane. She knew that and yet she still stared at her, awaiting an answer.

"This has nothing to do with who I'm in a relationship with," Jane said. "I thought we'd discussed that when Silver was around?"

"We did, but things are different now."

"Different how?"

"I don't…they're just different." Since realising she felt something, Maura couldn't help the ridiculous thoughts filling her mind. She knew they made little sense, even to herself, yet she couldn't stop herself from voicing them in the moment. "We need to commit to our child."

"That's what I'm doing," Jane said.

"Really? Because you're fifteen hours late after spending all night drinking with your ex-girlfriend."

Jane climbed off the bed and stood up. She stared down at Maura, her eyebrows still creased together. Maura looked up at her and for the briefest second, felt incredibly small. She hated the way she was behaving. Jane had hurt her, yes, but that was no excuse to grill her.

"Are you jealous?" Jane asked, finally filling the silence.

" _No_." Maura shook her head. She felt heat gathering around her neck. It had been a long time since she'd had an attack of hives. "Why would I be jealous?"

"I don't know. Why would you be jealous?"

Distracting herself, Maura returned to the original issue. She stood up on the other side of the bed. "I'm angry that you failed to tell me you wouldn't be coming over last night, and didn't return any of my messages. I was worried and you didn't pick up."

"You're not my mother." Jane rolled her eyes. "I'm a full grown adult. I'm sorry I didn't come over, I had a lot on my mind."

"Like kissing your ex-girlfriend," Maura said, scratching at her collarbone.

"I didn't plan to kiss her." Jane's voice grew louder. "It wasn't even a proper kiss. She's married."

Maura stepped backward. The truth of Gabriele's relationship status hit her hard. She swallowed a lump threatening to settle in her throat. The itching subsided, and she was silently gleeful that she'd hopefully skipped past a full blown attack. "You'd rather kiss a married woman than…someone who isn't married?"

"What are you talking about Maura?"

"Why would you do that to her partner?"

"Do what?"

"Kiss her, damage their relationship."

She said the words and yet Maura knew that what she really wanted to ask was why she would kiss someone who was in a relationship when she could be kissing the one person who actually wanted to, and could be, with her. Then she remembered her own fears, and the reasons why she had yet to tell Jane that was how she felt.

"It wasn't like that. It was a goodbye. We didn't really get to say a proper goodbye when we were younger. It didn't mean anything."

"Really?"

"You're sounding jealous again," Jane said.

Maura gritted her teeth. "I'm not jealous."

Jane stared at her, an intensity in her expression. "Why not?"

"Why not?" Maura frowned. "Do you _want_ me to be jealous?"

"I…" Jane's expression softened, emotion spread across her face. Maura felt her heart ache. "Maybe."

"Why?"

"Why?" Jane ran her tongue across her bottom lip. "Why would I want you to be jealous?"

"Yes."

"Because."

"Because what?"

"I don't know, Maura."

"Jane." Maura's heart thumped in her chest, the very act of standing in front of her, asking the question, made her feel nauseous. "Do you have feelings for me?"

"I…" Jane stared at her, her eyes wide like a rabbit stood in front of a car waiting for the collision to happen. Her voice shrunk, barely audible. "Maybe."

Maura heaved a sigh, frustrated by Jane's inability to commit. "You either do or you don't, there is no spectrum involved."

"Yes." Jane said, confidence coating her voice for the first time. "I have feelings for you."

"Oh."

"Satisfied?"

"I don't…" Maura searched her mind for the right response but she couldn't find anything to say. Her own feelings, still fragile, still confused, spurred her on. Yet she couldn't push them out.

Silence followed, a long, uncomfortable moment that neither of them wanted. Maura busied herself remaking the bed.

"Why did you do that, Maura?"

"Do what?" she asked, glancing up from plumping a pillow.

"Push me." Jane's eyes glistened. "I was working through it, I was trying to move past it. Now you've made me tell you. What did you want to achieve by getting me to admit that?"

"I don't know," she said, clutching the pillow in her arms and sitting down.

"You don't know?" Jane shook her head.

"Honesty, I suppose."

"You suppose. Not gonna change anything, is it?" Jane asked, kicking the floor with the toe of her bare foot. "You asked me, but why? You don't feel the same way, so why bother asking?"

"I just," Maura paused, her opportunity to share her own feelings laid out for her. Yet she didn't feel able to say it, to share what she felt. The doubt that she only felt that way because she'd suspected Jane felt that way too filled her with dread. "I needed to know."

Jane threw her arms up at her sides, and rolled her eyes. "Now I've fucked up our friendship. I'm going home."

"No, don't." Maura stood up. Her cell phone rang on the bedside table. She reached for her phone. Jane slipped her feet into her shoes and picked up her jacket. "Wait, Jane, don't go. Let me take this, then we can talk. Maura Isles."

"See you later, Maura," Jane said, ignoring her plea as she walked towards the door.

"Wait, Jane…Chad? I'm sorry, I have to," she said, but he'd already started talking and Jane had vanished from the room.

 _"I wanted to invite you out for dinner."_

"I thought you weren't interested," she said, following Jane out of the bedroom.

 _"I've had time to think about what happened, your situation with your friend. I heard about Hope, I was going to contact you sooner. Dinner at the Royal tonight? Or tomorrow, if you'd prefer."_

She reached the top of the stairs as the front door closed. A wave of emotion hit and Maura had to compose herself in order to respond. "I don't know."

 _"I promise to be on my best behaviour. One night, you and me, and if we decide it's not working then we've had a pleasant evening with a friend."_

Distracted, caught up in the confused thoughts and feelings dancing in anything but harmony, Maura succumbed to his request. "I suppose so."

 _"Don't sound so enthusiastic, Maura."_

"I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted." She sighed. It was too late. She'd already accepted his request. "Dinner sounds lovely."

* * *

 **Author Notes : That being the reasons. I don't want to leave you with that as the end for a few days, because that would be cruel...or it may just have to end up the last chapter for a few days. We'll see if I can manage to get another one done asap.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Author Notes : Thank you for the comments and thoughts on the last chapter, lots of response, which was nice to see. I go away this afternoon until Monday so, as I said before, it might take a little longer to get another chapter up. But I think you'll be okay with that...**

* * *

The front door shut, Maura listened to the footsteps on the staircase and waited until Cailin's bedroom door closed. She placed her book down on the bedside table and walked out into the hallway. She hovered by the door, about to knock, when Cailin opened it again.

"Maura." She jumped back. "Sheesh, you scared me."

"I'm sorry." Maura stared at her. "Jane has feelings for me."

"What? I knew it!" Cailin said. "What happened? How did you find out?"

"I asked her."

"Jeez, Maur, I never thought you'd do that."

Cailin stepped backwards and held her arm out to the room. Maura walked inside and perched on the edge of the dressing table stool. Cailin sat down opposite, on the end of the bed.

"Tell me everything."

"It just happened," Maura said. "We were having a disagreement and she kept asking me if I was jealous."

"Jealous of what?"

"Her kissing her ex-girlfriend."

"She kissed her ex-girlfriend? When? Why? Are they back together?"

Maura sighed. "That's a lot of questions. It happened this morning. She's married, so it's doubtful they'll get back together."

"Where does that leave you? Did you tell her how you feel?"

"No."

She felt regret. She'd missed an opportunity to explore her feelings with Jane further. There was little she could do about it now. The moment had passed, and she still felt utterly confused. She felt deeply for Jane, she always had.

"Oh." Cailin frowned. "Why not?"

"I didn't know what to say." Maura pinched the bridge of her nose then glanced back up at Cailin. "What if I only feel this way because Jane does? What if it's not real? She's my best friend, and her coming out as gay has really thrown me off centre."

Cailin rolled her eyes. "That doesn't make your feelings any less real."

"It's strange," Maura said. "To think of Jane that way. I haven't had a relationship in such a long time, I've barely kissed anyone, let alone been intimate. Maybe I'm just projecting some sexual attraction onto Jane because I'm frustrated?"

"You think you're sexually frustrated?"

"It's possible."

"Do you really think that's true, Maura? She's Jane. Why would your feelings not be real?"

"I don't know." Maura sighed. "She kissed me first. She put the idea into my head when neither of us had considered it."

"That doesn't make it untrue."

"It doesn't make it accurate, either." Maura sat upright. She'd thought about it over and over, mulling the possibility in her mind until she got sick of the sound of her own thoughts. She tired herself out doubting herself. "I'm scared. What if this is everything, but what if it's nothing? What if this is what I need? What if it's going to make life better? What if it's the one thing that is going to ruin everything?"

"You've said more what ifs in the last few minutes than I've ever heard from you, Maura. You don't do that, it's not you."

"Maybe it is," she said, crossing her leg over her knee and clasping her hands together. "Maybe I've always just hidden away my true self?"

"Now you're doubting your whole person?" Cailin asked, glaring at her.

"Not my whole person, just certain aspects of my personality." Maura frowned. "I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm doing things, and saying things that don't fit who I am. I'm ruining everything by behaving this way, yet I don't know how to stop it. I've never felt like this before. Not even when I was with Ian. But the way I'm acting is emulate of how I was when I was with him. I found it harder to be honest, especially with Jane."

"Why?"

"I don't know. It was complicated. To explain Ian meant to explain so much more than him. I liked the idea of him being mine, and only mine. I didn't want to have to share that with anyone."

"Are you saying you don't want to share Jane?"

"I'm saying it's…complicated. Jane doesn't come on her own, she comes with a house of baggage and family that take up just as much space. How can I still be me when I feel like I don't know who that is anymore? It's frightening enough thinking about Jane, without the complication of her whole family."

Cailin leaned back against the bed. "You are who you are, you've always seemed so sure of yourself. Why is this getting you so flustered? Why does Jane's family matter so much? This is about you and Jane, nobody else."

Maura pursed her lips and lowered her gaze. She stared down at her feet. "Jane and I have been so close for such a long time. I was always scared of what would happen if one, or both, of us found someone. It's been the two of us for several years and I became used to that. I thought I was okay with Jane being in a relationship, it would mean she'd be happy and I want her to be happy. I'd give up everything I have with her if she could just be happy. She's not had true happiness in all of the time that I've known her. This changes everything. Jane and I, we get along so well. We argue and we laugh and we make each other happy. Being together, in that way, changes what we have now. I don't want it to change. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to lose her family."

"You don't have to lose her, or her family. You live with her mother. Things may not stay the same, but things never stay the same."

"What if Jane is everything I've been waiting for?" Maura asked, tears pricked at the edges of her eyes. "My whole life all I've ever wanted is to feel like I belong, to have a home, to have a family, to have someone to love. Jane has given me most of that, what if she can give me the rest?"

"I don't know what the problem is," Cailin said. "Go and tell her how you feel."

"I don't know if that's how I feel." Maura sighed. "I want it to be. I feel…something. But I keep coming back to what if it's not real?"

"You don't know unless you try."

"Which is how this could be destroyed so easily, Cailin," she said. "I don't want to tell her I have feelings for her unless I'm sure."

"Oh honey." Cailin reached for her hand and grasped it between them. "That might never happen."

"Then what do I do?"

"I don't know. I've been in one serious relationship; I'm not qualified to help."

Maura reclaimed her fingers and turned away. Comfort was futile, she didn't deserve to be comforted, or supported through this. She'd hurt Jane by not being honest, and now she was hurting herself, too. She needed to do something, even if it didn't make sense to anyone else.

"I said I'd go on another date with Chad," she said.

"The man you went on a date with before you came to England?"

"Yes. He invited me out for dinner."

"Why did you say yes?"

"I don't know," she said. "The only reason we didn't work out was because I was unsure if I was pregnant. Maybe I need to see what it feels like to explore things with him further. Maybe it can help me to clarify what I feel for Jane."

x

"Get me a beer," Jane said, lowering herself onto a stool at the bar of the Dirty Robber.

Angela stood in front of her, her eyes fixed on Jane's, a look of judgement spread across her face. "A please would be nice."

"Please," Jane replied.

"That's more like it." She leaned against the bar, still looking at Jane.

"Why are you looking at me like that? Why aren't you getting me a beer?"

"You look like you've had enough." Angela raised an eyebrow. "Smell like it too."

"So?"

"You know the rules here, Jane. I can refuse service."

"I'm your darling daughter who will one day provide you with grandchildren." Jane sighed, remembering that at that very moment she could be carrying said grandchild. In the walk over to the bar, she was too angry and upset by her conversation with Maura that she'd momentarily forgotten the biggest thing to happen to her that day. "I'll have a coke."

"That's more like it." Angela poured her a coke and disappeared behind the bar. She placed a tshirt beside the glass. "Put that on, there's some spray in my bag in the backroom."

"Thanks, Ma," Jane said, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. She picked up the shirt and went into the back to change it. It was only midday but the lack of sleep was beginning to catch up on her. She returned to her seat and sipped on her coke.

After serving a couple of customers, Angela placed a bowl of fries on the bar. "Eat them."

"Free food?"

"Customer didn't want them, says he wants them without salt. I told him we don't do them without salt."

"The salt's the best bit," Jane said, tossing a couple into her mouth. "They taste so good."

"What's going on, Janie?"

"Wha' d' ya mean?"

"You come in here stinking like a fourth of July barbecue at your dad's brothers, it's the middle of the day and by the bags under your eyes, I'd say you haven't slept. You also look like somebody took away your toys."

"I do not."

"Jane," Angela said, leaning closer. "Stop doing the Jane thing, talk to your mother."

"There's nothing to say," she said. "Me and Maura got into a fight and I've ruined everything."

"What did you do?"

"Why do you assume it's something I did?"

"Well, was it?"

"Only because she pushed me. She made me tell her I have feelings for her."

"What?" Angela's face lit up, then quickly faded. "Wait, you're not happy. Why isn't that making you happy?"

"Nothing happened, Ma. I told her, she didn't say anything, now everything's ruined."

"Don't be so melodramatic, sweetie. Maybe she just needs time."

"Everything is a mess," Jane said, folding her arms and burrowing her face against them. "Why did I have to come out?"

Angela rested a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Everything isn't a mess. It's going to be okay."

x

"I'm glad you agreed to come for a nightcap," Chad said, resting his hand on the base of Maura's spine as she walked through the door to his home. He pulled off her jacket and hung it up by the door. Leading the way, Maura followed Chad into the lounge and sat down. "Sherry?"

"Please," she said, clasping her hands over her knee. The evening was pleasant and the attraction that Maura had felt the first time they went out was still there, though she wasn't entirely sure it was anything of significance.

Chad passed her a glass and sat down beside her, his fingers trailed across her knee. She stared down at the physical touch of his skin against her own. All night she'd been trapped between her date and thoughts of Jane, a tangled mess of confusion. They sat in silence, sipping their drinks until Maura's was empty.

"God, I've wanted to do this for weeks," Chad whispered, removing her glass from her hand and thrusting his tongue between her lips. Maura responded slowly, taken aback by the dramatic way in which Chad showed his affection.

She closed her eyes and settled into a slower, more methodical embrace. The lips were coarser than Jane's, Chad's upper lip coated with bristles that itched her skin. Maura felt his body press against her and she lay back against the couch.

"You're beautiful," he muttered, his lips trailing across her chin and over her collarbone. Maura tried to focus but she felt a little claustrophobic, trapped between the couch cushions and the broad shoulders above her. His hand dropped down across her breast, squeezing a little too hard before travelling down to her thigh.

When he pinched her skin, Maura wriggled and groaned. Her detest at his actions didn't seem to compute and he continued his assault of her skin. The alcohol on his breath lingered, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.

"No," she said, pressing her hands harder against his shoulders until he sat upright. Maura took the opportunity to stand up. "I need to go."

He ignored her words, silencing her with another kiss. Maura closed her eyes and all she could see was Jane, all she could feel was Jane pressed against her until she pushed Chad away again.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry."

He stepped back, his chest heaving with shallow breath. He glanced down at the bulge in his pants and glared up at her. "What the hell, Maura? What do you expect me to do about this?"

Maura sighed. "I don't know, but I can't help you. I need to go."

She headed for the exit, her jacket abandoned on the hook as she pulled open the wooden door. A hand dropped down around her upper arm. Maura turned, a fury burning inside at his roughness.

"Please don't go," he said. "We were having an amazing time. I thought you wanted this. I thought we could be together."

"I didn't promise you anything," she replied. "I thought maybe, but now that we're here, it's not going to work out."

"You're letting me down, Maura."

She rolled her eyes. "The only person letting you down is yourself."

"What gives you that idea?"

"Your grip on my arm for starters," she said, unwrapping his fingers. "Maybe if you treated women with a little more respect, they might be more interested. On this occasion, that's second to my feelings for someone else."

"Who?"

"That's none of your business." Maura picked up her jacket and turned around in the doorway. "Goodbye, Chad."

x

Jane woke up on the couch in her apartment sometime after eleven. The moon shone through the window lighting the room in a dull light. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, bending her back to remove the niggle that settled there at some point while she was asleep.

"Stupid ass couch," she muttered, pressing hard against her muscles. She stood up and trailed across the room toward the bedroom.

Halfway across the apartment, a light tapping against the door pulled her attention away. Jane sighed and trailed back to the front door. She glanced through the peep hole. On seeing Maura, her heart tossed and turned. She paused, not sure what best to do. It was late, and they were still in the middle of some sort of argument. She tapped again. Jane stared through the hole, the sadness on Maura's face made her feel sad. She pulled open the door and stared into her downturned eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you," Maura said, hovering on the other side of the door.

"Why? It's late. I need to sleep."

Maura cleared her throat. "I won't be long. I'm sorry that I've been so distant lately, I've been trying to come to terms with everything that's been happening recently. Losing Hope is not something I thought would have such a monumental effect on me, turning forty hit me harder than I ever expected, and you coming out really threw me a soft ball."

"Curve ball?" Jane asked, her brow creased.

"That's the one." Maura's eyes filled with tears, glistening under the light of the moon. Jane thought to turn on the light but she didn't want to move. She didn't want to stop looking at Maura in case she disappeared, in case it was all some elaborate dream. "I didn't realise that you had feelings for me. I didn't know that we had that kind of relationship."

"What kind of relationship?" Jane shrugged. "We're friends, I know that. I didn't mean to fuck everything up."

"You didn't," Maura said, stepping closer, her eyes fixed on Jane's. "You haven't ruined anything."

"Feels pretty fucking messy to me," Jane said, kicking the floor with her bare toes. She averted her gaze, trying to pretend that Maura wasn't staring at her. She hated what had happened over the last few days, how messy everything had become.

"No, Jane," Maura said.

She lifted her head the second Maura's fingers touched her neck, could feel her thumbs against the side of her throat as she swallowed. Skin to skin a tingling sensation travelled down Jane's spine. She stared into her eyes, then down at her lips. The desire to kiss her overwhelmed her, she wanting nothing more than to capture her lips and make them her own.

"It's not ruined, it's not a mess," Maura said. "Tonight I went out with Chad, and I was going to have sex with him."

A desire to throw up the last of her hangover pushed Jane backward. She stopped as her thighs hit the couch and half sat, half stood against it. Maura crossed the threshold.

"I'm sorry. That came out wrong. I don't want to hurt you; I didn't tell you that to hurt you."

She couldn't find any words to respond, everything caught in the back of her throat, leaving her with an ache. Jane returned her gaze to Maura's, desperate to hear what she had to say next, yet fearful of what was to come.

"I needed to know what it felt like to be with a man, to be with someone who wasn't you. I needed to try, to check if what I feel is real or if it's something that's come out of nowhere because you kissed me in Oxford."

"I shouldn't have done that," Jane said, finding her voice. She hated herself for saying that, she didn't mean it. She didn't regret that kiss, even if it did lead to such a confusing few months. "I didn't want this to happen."

"What didn't you want to happen, Jane?" Maura's eyes creased. "Us?"

"No. Yes." Jane sighed. "I want to be with you. I just don't want us to be broken. I don't wanna lose you."

"You're not going to lose me. Whatever happens, I will always be your friend."

"Did you go out with Chad because of Gabriele?"

The crease between Maura's eyebrows deepened. "Maybe. I won't deny that knowing you kissed someone else influenced my decision."

"I promise you, Maura, that it didn't mean anything. It could have done, if I wasn't so caught up in how I feel about you. If she wasn't married. I don't know why I stayed out all night. In hindsight, it was stupid of me. She said it was okay with her wife but if I'd been married to her I'd have hated her being out with me. I needed an escape. I needed to forget about the world for a while, to forget about you."

"You had every right to go out with her, it's your life, Jane and I can't influence it. I have no right."

"I wish you did." Jane let out a loud groan. "God, this is too hard. I can't do this, Maura. I can't be here with you when we both know how this ends. You're into men, I've known it from the start."

Maura frowned. "Do we? I didn't go out with Chad because I wanted to be with him. My relationships may have mostly been with men, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to anything else. I went out with Chad tonight because I've never been so confused in all of my dating years, not even with the three women I had very brief relationships with."

The air disappeared from Jane's lungs. "You've been with women?"

"I have."

"Why didn't I know about that?"

"There's nothing to say," Maura said. "Nothing really happened with them."

"Oh."

"I had a hypothesis about where my recent confusion has come from, Chad was a theory I needed to play out."

"What conclusion did you reach?"

"I definitely don't want to be with Chad," Maura said, closing the gap. She reached out to Jane's hands and lifted them up between them. "You're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. This, everything, scares me right now. I want to answer your questions, I want to be completely honest, but I know that when I do that's it, there's no going back."

Jane swallowed, her throat still painful. Regret and disappointment filled her, a sense of foreboding trapped her in the moment. "Please don't."

"I have feelings for you too."

Choking on a breath, Jane gasped at the air, trying to refocus her breathing and reclaim oxygen. She stared at Maura, her mouth open, her eyes bugged. Of all of the things she expected Maura to say, that sentence was not even in the top ten. She stared down at her mouth, at the lips she'd thought about kissing almost every day since their first kiss in Oxford. She inched forward, cupping Maura's cheeks, clawing at her skin.

"Please tell me you're not just saying that, please let this be real. I am so tired right now."

"I promise you, it's real."

"I don't know what I'd do if you're just saying that, I don't want to wake up and this all be a dream."

"I'm not, Jane. You're not dreaming." She brushed her palm across her cheek, spreading fresh tears across her skin. "I want to be with you. All I've wanted to do since leaving Chad is kiss you."

The moonlight created shadows the second Jane moved forward, her face shrouding Maura's in darkness. Her hands moved up around her cheeks, pulling her closer as she navigated in the darkness. Jane closed her eyes as she turned her face to one side, the brief brush of Maura's nose against her cheek and she adjusted her face until she felt her lips beneath her own. The soft, slightly coated lips, merged with her own mouth, slow and steady. The scent she'd come to know and love as Maura's tickled her senses. Maura's hands came down across the back of Jane's neck and they held each other in place, mouth to mouth, hand to face.


	23. Chapter 23

**Author Notes** **: Thank you everyone for your comments and responses, and thank you (most of you) for your patience. I know it's been a long time coming, but we got there in the end. Jane and Maura were not in that place in the beginning so I didn't want to rush it, I didn't want to just throw them into bed together like happens in some fics. I wanted it to be slow, and realistic. Onwards...I am home from my weekend away, I had a great time surrounded by some of the country's (and world's) greatest storytellers.**

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Her arms outstretched above her head and she turned under the bed sheets, a smile etched across her face. The bed beside her lay empty, her mind filled with fog. She longed to return to her dream, to Maura's mouth covering her own, to her fingers fighting with the edges of her skin under the moonlight. She wished to curl back under the bed sheets and get lost in the thought of what was to come after that kiss.

Then a high pitched and infuriating sound blared out from her alarm. She reached for it, banged it until it quietened and rolled over again. A groan escaped her lips. She just wanted five more minutes to be with the Maura of her dreams. Five more minutes before reality seeped back into her consciousness.

Eventually, after the third snooze, Jane climbed out of bed and stood under the stream of water. The hot water fell down across her body, rolling over tender skin. She closed her eyes and massaged her breasts, allowing her mind to drift off to the soft and sensual feel of Maura by her side, as her fingers travelled between her thighs.

She dressed, grabbed a slice of overly buttered - and slightly mouldy - toast, and set off to work.

AT BPD, the homicide unit was buzzing, everyone busily working on several open cases that were running dry. Jane slipped her jacket around her chair and placed her take-out coffee on her desk. She glanced over at Korsak, his attention focused on the computer in front of him.

"Don't strain your eyes," she said.

He rolled his eyes. "It's this damn email, how anyone knows how to use it, I don't know."

"I'm sure Nina will help you." Jane cleared her throat. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, Korsak. I shouldn't have come in."

"Too right you shouldn't have come in," he said, abandoning the email and looking up. "Do you know how unprofessional it looks when my best detective turns up drunk? If Lieutenant Cavanaugh had come in, it wouldn't just be your neck on the line."

"I know. It won't happen again."

"I know you've got a lot going on at the moment, but it better hadn't. I won't cover for you again."

"Noted," Jane said. "You find anything out yesterday?"

"Nothing new with Ellie Fischer," he said. "Parents didn't say much, either they're really good actors or they're innocent."

Sighing, Jane slouched into her chair and revised the case file. Something was missing, it had to be. They needed a fresh break.

Down in the café a couple of hours later, Jane ordered a large coffee and waited for the barista to finish making it. She folded her arms across her chest and watched Frankie talking animatedly to Nina across the room. She narrowed her eyes as his hand outstretched, cupping Nina's.

"I thought you were going to come and see me when you got in."

Pulled from the display of affection across the room, Jane turned around. Maura stood beside her, her eyes wide with anticipation, her lips curved until the smile reached the edges of her eyes.

"Sorry, I guess I forgot."

"You forgot?" Her smile faded, the glint in her eyes disappeared. "Oh."

"Sorry, Maur," Jane said, taking her coffee from the barista. "I just needed a good nights sleep."

"Are you busy tonight?"

"The sports highlights are on, but I can catch them later."

"Okay."

"Any reason?" Jane asked, running a hand across the side of her face to brush her curls from her cheek. "We going for a beer?"

"You can have non-alcoholic beer," Maura said, a small creased formed between her eyebrows. "I thought we could get some dinner. There's a new burger restaurant opened up in Beacon Hill that I thought you might like to try."

"Burgers?" Frankie appeared beside them. Jane searched the crowd and spotted Nina heading for the elevator. Frankie placed two coffee mugs on the counter. "Who's talking about burgers?"

"Maura says there's a new burger joint in Beacon Hill; suggested we give it a try tonight."

"I'm in!" he said.

"But..." Maura began to say, but her voice drifted away.

"What time shall we meet you?"

"I..." Maura sighed. "Seven."

x

The tray clanged against the basin louder than Maura anticipated. Kent ran into the room, a metal pole in hand.

"Oh, Maura, it's you. I thought you'd gone for lunch and someone had broken in."

Fighting the desire to laugh, Maura pursed her lips. "Thank you for your noble gesture at attempting to confront said person. Though it is a little early for lunch"

"It's not a problem. I didn't realise it was still so early." He placed the metal pole down on the autopsy table. "What's got your knickers in a knot?"

"My knickers," Maura said. "Are not in a knot."

"Knot in a not," he said, raising an eyebrow. "Not knotted."

Maura frowned. "I'm sorry if I startled you."

"Not at all. Why are you banging things around, Maura?"

"I'm angry."

"What about?"

Maura placed the tray back down in the basin, quieter, and more cautious. "The answer to that question goes beyond the bounds of our working relationship."

"Well you know where I am if you did want to discuss it."

"Thank you, Kent, I appreciate the offer."

x

Around three, Jane glanced up to the doorway. Maura stood on the other side, her eyes darting between the other officers and detectives, and Jane. She smiled at her, and Maura smiled back. Jane's heart beat faster, yet sunk.

"Be back soon," she said, desperate to hear Maura's voice, to feel her close by again. Even if she could never return to that moment in her dreams.

Frankie and Korsak barely batted an eyelid as she left the room. Maura walked away and she followed. In the conference room, a crease had formed between Jane's brows, confusion spread across her face. Maura closed the door.

"I don't understand," Maura said, walking across the room and back again.

Jane frowned. "What don't you understand?"

"You. I thought you wanted this."

"I'm not following, Maur," Jane said.

"You said you'd find me when you arrived at work, you didn't. Then when I find you, and ask you out on a date, you invite Frankie."

"A...what?" Jane's eyes bugged. "What do you mean a date?"

The crease between Maura's eyebrows deepened. "After last night, I thought we should start off slowly. We were both tired, and neither of us were ready to jump in head first."

"Last night was," Jane whispered, her voice trailed off into silence. Her heart thrummed against her chest, the air in her lungs vanished.

When Jane's lips pressed against Maura's, and her fingers trailed over her neck and around the back of her head, her whole body responded. Their mouths merged together, working to achieve their goal. The taste of salmon on Maura's lip, the softness of her mouth fuelled Jane's heady reactions. She stepped back, breathless.

"I've wanted you to do that all day," Maura said.

"It wasn't a dream," Jane said.

"What wasn't a dream?" Maura asked, her eyebrows pulled together.

"What happened last night," Jane said, her smile tentative. She tucked her hands around Maura's back and held her in her arms. She stared into her eyes, nervous energy fought against her until she persevered. "Us. I was so tired, I woke up this morning and I thought it wasn't real."

"Oh." Maura's eyes filled with sadness.

Jane lifted her hands back up to the sides of her face, cupping her cheeks. "Don't be sad. It felt like the greatest dream, and now I don't have to wake up. I'm sorry I didn't realise you were asking me out."

"I thought maybe you'd changed your mind."

"Never," Jane said, planting a soft kiss on her lips. She stepped back, lowering her hands as she realised her mistake. "Shit. Frankie."

"I really don't want him to come on our date," Maura said.

"Me neither," Jane said. "I'll sort it."

Stepping forward again, Jane slipped her hands around Maura's back and pulled her in close. She stared into her hazel eyes, couldn't stop looking at her, knowing that in the blink of an eye everything had changed. Finally.

"Did you sleep well?" Maura asked.

"I slept like a baby, one that actually sleeps."

Maura's eyes softened, a glint of excitement and glee, mixed with a hint of caution. Jane trailed the backs of her hands across her skin, retracing the step with her fingertips. She captured her lips again, her fingers gripped her shoulders, pulling her closer.

"I should go back downstairs," Maura said, pulling away again. "I'm really busy today, I just had to see you."

"Okay." Jane nodded. Maura stepped away and opened the door, she felt her whole body long to pull her back towards her, to feel her close again. Maura smiled back at her. An officer walked past the door. "Thank you for that, Doctor Isles."

Maura turned, noticing the man, before she turned back. "You're welcome, Detective Rizzoli."

x

Dress after dress after dress. Maura filed through her closet, each item pushed from one side to the next, searching for the right outfit. The burger restaurant wasn't formal, yet it didn't scream casual either. Maura wanted to look good. She only got to go on her first date with Jane once and she liked the idea of making an effort. She wanted to show Jane that their night together mattered, least not because in many ways it would be similar to every night they spent together. She wanted to do something to set it apart.

"You look like your head's going to explode," Cailin said, standing behind her with her arms folded, and a crease fixed between her eyebrows.

"I need the right dress," Maura said, paying little attention to her sister's curiosity.

"What's the occasion?"

Maura stood upright, her eyes still forward on the closet before her. She paused, took in a gentle, slow breath, and quickly navigated the possibility of telling Cailin where she was going. It was inevitable she would know eventually, but Maura liked the idea of hiding their relationship, at least for a few days. Her head was full of thoughts of Jane, of her hands, and her lips, and the subtle smells of her skin.

"I have a date," she said, in the hope her honesty would create the assistance she desired.

"Who with?"

Maura returned to filing through her clothing, desperate to distract herself. "Just someone I know."

"Are you going out with Chad, again?"

"Yes," Maura said, hoping to send her off in the wrong direction to protect her real answer. "Last night ended really well."

"What about Jane?"

"What about her?" Maura turned around, her eyes narrowed, her cheeks flushed.

"Your feelings for her. Where do they fit in with Chad? I thought she'd told you how she feels, why aren't you doing anything about it?"

Maura sighed. She clung to the edge of a jacket on its hanger and lowered her eyes. Her hand trailed down to the edge of material. Maura stepped backward until her hand fell by her side. She returned to the bedroom and perched on the edge of the bed, her hands clasped in her lap.

"I'm going on a date with Jane."

The squeal that filled the air made Maura jump, even more so when Cailin's arms landed on her shoulders and pulled her closer. "I knew you two would sort it out eventually. Do you want me to go out?"

"Why would you need to go out?"

"You know," Cailin said, raising her eyebrows and lowering them in quick succession. "I don't mind. I'd rather you and Jane feel comfortable."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"So you can have sex, Maura."

"Oh." The possibility had crossed her mind, the thought of being intimate with Jane filled her with warmth and possibility. "Not tonight. I don't want to rush it."

"How does Jane feel?"

"I haven't asked her."

"There's nothing wrong with sex on a first date, especially when you've known the other person as long as you've known Jane."

Maura shook her head. "That makes this more complicated, not less. I don't want to push things."

Cailin raised an eyebrow, then narrowed it again. "Is that all it is?"

"I won't deny I'm not scared. I've never been intimate with a woman before."

"So?"

"Jane's been in two physical relationships with women."

"I honestly don't think Jane cares whether you've been with women or not."

"No," Maura said. "I don't imagine she would. But it's something that worries me."

"Why?"

"I thought I understood the human body. I know what makes me aroused, and I know how to arouse a man. Though the anatomy is the same as self-arousal, the angles are different, and I don't know if I can translate what I already know on to another woman."

Cailin rolled her eyes. "Too much information, Maur."

"Which bit?"

"You really are something special." Cailin laughed. "I was half joking. We've never talked about sex before."

"Have you ever considered being with a woman?"

"That's a very forward question."

"I'm sorry." Maura sighed. Her nerves were bordering on uncontrollable. "I realise sexuality is a tentative subject."

"I've never been with a woman," Cailin said. "Nor do I have any burning desire to do so."

"Thank you for your honesty." She stood up and returned to the edge of her closet. Her mind ticked over, dancing between thoughts of Jane, and the conversation she'd been having. She turned around once more. "Cailin, do you have any significant other?"

"No," she said. "I'm single. Why?"

"I didn't know, I felt like that was information I should know."

Cailin nodded and smiled. "I've been single for about eighteen months."

"Who were you with before that?" Maura pulled out a couple of dresses and hung them on the door. "If you don't mind talking about it, I'd like to know."

x

Jane stood on the doorstep, her heart raced with anticipation and nerves. She'd been out to dinner with Maura more times than she could remember, but not once had she been on an actual date with her. She rang the doorbell and waited, her nerves building until the front door opened. Relief set in when Cailin answered the door. She pushed the small bunch of flowers behind her back.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I came to see Maura," Jane said, unsure of how much they were telling her. "I didn't know you'd be in."

"She's not ready. She thought you were meeting at the restaurant."

"I…I guess I forgot that bit," Jane said, trying to disguise the fact that she was there because she wanted to show Maura she was making an effort. She still couldn't believe how stupid she was for mistaking their first kiss for a dream. Lingering tiredness threatened to cloud her mind until she'd loaded up on caffeine. She knew Maura would disapprove, but she wasn't going to forget her first date with Maura for anything, not even any possible child growing inside of her.

Cailin stepped aside and Jane entered the house. She walked backwards through to the kitchen and perched on a stood. The bunch of flowers sat on her lap under the table. She drummed her fingers absentmindedly.

Cailin stood opposite, watching her, smirking. "It's okay, I know. You don't need to keep hiding whatever it is you're hiding."

"Know what?"

"I know you're going on a date."

"How?"

"What do you mean how?" Cailin asked. "Maura told me."

"Oh." Jane lifted the flowers up and placed them on the counter.

"Is that okay? I don't want you thinking Maura's suddenly started telling me everything." Cailin smiled. "I think Maura will like them."

Jane forged a smile. "It's fine."

"You look nervous."

Jane shrugged. "I'm okay."

"Bullshit."

"Thanks," Jane said, rolling her eyes.

"What do you have planned?"

"For dinner? Well, dinner."

"Nothing special?"

"Why would I have anything special planned?"

Cailin stared at her. "It's your first date. Don't you want to make an effort?"

"Why is it up to me? Maura could just as easily make an effort."

Cailin raised her eyebrows. "What do you think is taking her so long to get ready?"

Jane rolled her eyes again. "Now I'm expected to be the man."

"Nobody expects you to be the man. I just know how much you care about Maura."

"I don't want to rush things. I think dinner's enough for tonight."

"If you're sure."

When Maura appeared in the doorway, Jane's lungs emptied. Her mouth dropped open, her eyes bugged, and she couldn't get enough oxygen back into her body. Her lips curved at the edges. Maura stood in front of her, in a simple black and blue dress, hugging her curves perfectly. For the briefest moment, Jane imagined her walking over and kissing her, slowly stripping off what she expected was an expensive piece of couture.

"Hi," Maura said, standing by the doorway, her face a mix of excitement and fear. "I didn't know you were coming to pick me up."

Jane stood up. She pulling the flowers off the counter and stepped forward. "It's a date, isn't it?"

"Yes." Maura smiled. "I'm glad you did."

Cailin watched them, Jane could feel her beside them, but as she stepped forward, the whole world melted away. If it wasn't for her nerves, she would have pulled her into her arms. Her simple button down shirt and smart jeans made her feel underdressed.

"I should have dressed better," she said, the words falling out before she could stop them.

Maura's eyes trailed down her body and back up to her face. She tilted her head slightly. "You look great."

"Not as great as you."

"Thank you."

"These are for you," Jane said, holding out the bouquet. Maura smiled, her eyelids fluttered open and closed.

She accepted the flowers and breathed in their scents. "They're beautiful. Thank you."

"Are you ready?"

A brief nod of the head in confirmation, and Jane held out an arm. Maura wrapped her own around it. She handed the flowers to Cailin. "Could you put them in some water, please?"

"No problem," she said, smiling. "Enjoy your night."

On the walk out of the door, Jane had to remind herself to breath. One long, deep breath in, and slowly out. She moved her hand across Maura's back, down to the base of her spine. At the car, she opened the door and Maura climbed in.

The walk around to the driver's side felt like it took longer than usual. She sat down and turned to face Maura, her lungs barely filled, her heart fluttering inside her chest. She'd waited for this moment for such a long time that she couldn't quite believe it was finally here.

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 **Author Notes** **: Lots of moving forwards, I hope you enjoyed this one.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Author Notes** **: Thank you to all of you who are still here reading and enjoying my fic. It's taken me a little longer to get this one out because I really don't like writing dates. I don't know what it is about them? Having to write action and small talk, etc. maybe?**

 **Requests - I've decided to start taking requests for one-shots. Mostly Rizzles ones but I will consider other pairings, and other fandoms. I can't guarantee that if you request something I will definitely write it, mostly because my brain doesn't always work with some ideas. More info in my profile/PM me and we can chat.**

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The restaurant was a hive of activity; a handful of couples sat around chatting, a large party of young women laughed loudly. Jane sat opposite Maura, her eyes on her burger, her hands coated in sweat. She struggled to pick up a couple of fries on her fork, then gave up and opted for using her hands. She chewed, silently glancing up at Maura momentarily, before returning her attention to her plate of food. She was consciously aware of Maura sat opposite her.

"So, I told Kent that it wasn't appropriate, in light of the situation, and he needed to apologise," she said, sipping her glass of wine.

"Did he?" Jane asked.

"Of course he did." Maura smiled. "I wouldn't let him back in the office until he did."

"Was he naked?"

Maura's eyebrows creased together, she stared until Jane glanced back up. "What do you mean was he naked? Of course not. He was wearing his work attire."

"It was a joke," Jane said, smiling weakly.

"Did you hear everything I said?" Maura asked. "It's not funny. If he hadn't been so careless one family wouldn't have mistakenly thought their child was dead, while another family thought theirs was alive. His joking about it in front of the family was wrong, and so is your joking now."

Jane shrugged. "No, it's not funny."

"What's wrong?"

"Why would something be wrong?"

"Jane." Maura reached a hand out and clasped her fingers. "We're supposed to be on our first date, you've barely looked at me since we sat down."

"I'm fine."

Maura squeezed her hand. "I know that when you say that it means you're not."

"I am."

"If we're going to be in a relationship, we need to start as we mean to go on." Maura sighed. "I need you to be honest with me."

"Fine," Jane said, reclaiming her hand and tucking them both under the table. "This is weird."

"Bad weird?"

"No." Jane's shoulders dropped when she saw the disappointment spread across Maura's face. "It's not bad. It's just weird. We're sat here eating burgers and talking about work. It's like any other night out. It's not special, it's not important, it's just you and me doing what we always do."

Maura smiled. "One of the best things about going on a date with someone you already know, is we don't have any of the awkward first date protocol."

"It doesn't feel different," Jane said.

"Why would it feel different?"

"We're supposed to be on a date. It's supposed to be exciting and fun and different to a normal evening at the Robber."

"I was trying to make this easy for you." Maura's eyebrows pulled together again, she folded her napkin up and placed it on the table beside her plate.

"It's not easy, Maura." Jane placed her napkin mirroring Maura's. "Doing what we usually do doesn't make it special."

"You're a burger and beer kind of woman," Maura said. Sadness washed over her. "I just wanted you to have a nice time. Aren't you enjoying it?"

"I…" Jane lowered her gaze.

Maura stood up and reached for her purse. "I suppose we should end it here then."

Jane stood up beside her, her mouth opened and closed, words drifted off into the silence. Beside them, the large group of women laughed louder than before. Jane glanced across, her eyes narrowed at the noisiest member of the group. When she turned back again, Maura had placed some notes on the table and was halfway across the restaurant.

"Wait, Maura."

She chased after her, following her out into the night. They marched down the street, Jane yards from Maura, calling after her as she continued back toward the parking lot.

"Maura, would you stop, damnit. I can't walk that fast."

She turned, her eyes laced with tears, her shoulders shook. "I don't want to stop, Jane. I don't want to have to face you when our first date has been such a failure. We only got one shot at this, and I ruined it."

"You didn't." Jane caught up. She stepped toward her and pulled her into her arms. "You didn't ruin it. I ruined it."

"You didn't do anything."

"I did," she said, resting her cheek against the side of Maura's head. "I made a big deal out of it. Cailin asked me what we were doing and she asked why it wasn't something special. It got inside my head."

"I don't care what we do," Maura said, resting her chin on Jane's shoulder. "The only thing that matters to me is that we do it together."

"I shouldn't have let it bother me." Jane stepped back, her hands still resting on Maura's elbows. "This is new for me, for both of us, and it's gonna take some time to get past the weirdness."

"I agree."

"Can we go back to the restaurant?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"The burgers weren't very appetising and you didn't want to be there," Maura said. "I'd rather we find something else to do."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

"The burgers were terrible," Jane said. "The fries were dry. If you can't do it well, you shouldn't do it at all."

"We can cross it off our list of places to visit again."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

The moonlight shone down on them, lighting up Maura's face. Jane stepped forward again, cupping her cheeks as she captured her lips.

"I've wanted to do that all night," Jane said, pulling away.

"That feels right," Maura said, smiling.

"It's the only thing that feels right," Jane said.

She trailed her fingers down to Maura's hand and tugged. "What are you doing?"

"Come with me," she said. "I know what we can do."

"What is that?" Maura asked, allowing her to pull her along.

Jane didn't stop walking, the comfort of Maura's hand resting in hers, as they returned to the parking lot. Despite Maura's repeated questions, Jane drove them across town in silence.

"We're at the batting cage," Maura said, raising an eyebrow. "You know I don't really follow baseball."

"It's not about baseball," Jane said. She shut off the engine and walked around to Maura's side, opening the door and helping her out of the car. "This is about us spending some time together, doing something we don't usually do."

"You're going to make me play baseball?" Maura asked.

"Not exactly."

Jane led them into the batting cages. A couple of teenagers looked serious as they practiced their shot. A young girl and her dad took it in turns to practice. Jane took them round to the batting cage labelled '1'.

"This was the cage where I got a concussion when I was nine," Jane said. "It was Frankie's fault."

"What did he do?" Maura asked.

"He was goading me. I was in the cage next door and he was shouting abuse. So I ran in there to pummel him right when the ball came out and hit me on my head. I wasn't wearing a helmet."

"Oh gosh. Were you okay?"

"Did I live?" Jane asked, laughing. "Yeah. I lived. Not sure Frankie got over the pummelling I gave him when I recovered. I still have a small dint in my skull, if you feel it."

Maura stepped forward and Jane guided her hand to the spot. "Why didn't I know you had a dint in your skull?"

"It's not exactly the first topic of conversation. I'm Jane Rizzoli, and I have a dint in my skull." She walked away from the cage and down to cage three. "This is the cage where I hit my first ball. My dad brought me here when I was four. I don't really remember which one it was in, but Ma says it was cage three. We'd played in the yard loads but it was my first time at the cages. The ball was so fast but I hit it."

"That's quite an achievement for a four year old."

"I consider it one of my greatest successes," Jane said, smirking. She carried on along the cages, until she reached the seventh cage. "This is where I lost my two front teeth."

"You got hit by the ball again?"

"No," Jane laughed. "Frankie was batting and I went to help him, but he swung the bat and it hit me in the jaw. I've never known such pain."

Maura raised an eyebrow. "You shot yourself in the stomach, yet you've never known such pain?"

"After I shot myself the loss of consciousness made me forget everything quickly. I was fully conscious when I lost my teeth. That time it wasn't his fault. He was only a kid, it was his first time at the cage. I was seven. Pop shouted to me to stop, but by then it was too late. Ma had a field day when she saw me. I had blood all over the new Red Sox jersey I got for my birthday."

"Sounds like you've got a lot of great memories here," Maura said.

"Most of my memories from being a kid are attached to baseball. You know I love the game, but I don't know if you know th..."

Maura cut her off. Her lips landed on Jane's. Jane reacted, her hands tucked around the back of Maura's neck, as she deepened the kiss.

"Thank you for showing me this piece of your past."

"No problem." Jane smirked. "Do that again."

"What would you like me to do again?"

"Shut me up," Jane said, nibbling on her bottom lip. "Make me sto…"

Maura captured her mouth again, her hands tangled up in Jane's hair as she pulled her closer. Jane wrapped her arms around her back, her fingers danced across her back.

"Get a room!" someone shouted from across the batting cages.

They separated, Jane glanced up at the teenagers, now staring at them. She lifted up three fingers. "Read between the lines."

"Jane!" Maura said, hitting her playfully on the arm.

Tucking her hand into Maura's, Jane grinned. "Wanna go make out someplace else?"

x

Standing on the doorstep, Maura interlinked her fingers with Janes, lifting their arms up between them as they stood opposite each other. She smiled, watched her staring back, and breathed in slowly. The evening had reached its conclusion and Maura was disappointed. Despite its less than successful commencement, she didn't want it to end.

"You can come in, if you'd like," Maura said, giving Jane's hands a squeeze.

Jane smiled and shook her head. "It's better this way."

"Is it?" Maura asked, sighing. She leaned closer, her lips inches from Jane's.

She closed the gap, trailing her mouth across Jane's, her fingers rested on her chin. When she pulled away again, she gasped for breath.

"It's more exciting if we take our time."

Maura stared at her lips, the desire to kiss them again took over and Maura felt the heady fog overwhelm her. She lifted her hands up to Jane's waist and clutched her body, glancing between her mouth and her eyes. She fluttered her eyelashes. Jane smiled, her lips curved in that way they did on an average day, when she was happier than usual. A smile Maura had seen more often than most.

"It is."

"I had the best night, in the end."

"Me too."

"I don't know how we're ever gonna top this." Jane stepped back and slipped her hands into the pockets of her pants. "Better than the last time the Sox won the World Series."

Maura raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Anything with you beats them," Jane said, inching closer.

Breathing in slowly, Maura felt her breath hitch in her throat. She tried to reclaim the oxygen but her lungs wouldn't expand quickly enough. Jane's breasts brushed against her body, her fingers slipped around the edges of her belt, holding her steady. She tried again to breathe, but the lips directly opposite her were too distracting. She opened her mouth and seized them with her own. When she pulled out of the embrace Maura could hear Jane's gentle panting.

"You need to go," Maura whispered, kissing her again, quickly. She closed her eyes and ran her fingers across Jane's cheeks. "I'll see you tomorrow."

On the other side of the door, Maura turned around and leaned against the wood. Her heart raced against her rib cage, demanding her attention, fighting with her desire to breathe. She'd never left a first date such a mess before. Her whole body screamed at her to act, to open the door and pull Jane into the house. Deep down she knew she was right, that it'd be better if they waited, but everything in her instincts told her she was wrong.

x

"Good night?"

Maura's face lit up. She planned to head straight up to bed but relished the distraction from all thoughts of Jane. Cailin sat at the kitchen counter.

"I had an amazing time, thank you."

Standing up, Cailin carried her coffee mug toward the machine and refilled it. "Coffee?"

"I'll have a tea," she said, walking across the room and preparing the water for boiling. "My brain is too wired to sleep, I think coffee will only make it worse."

"Gotcha." Cailin turned to face her, her eyebrows raised in Maura's direction.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you know what happened tonight. You don't."

"So, you didn't?" Cailin asked, placing a teabag into an empty mug.

"That's really none of your business," Maura said.

She wasn't used to having a sister, least not one who questioned her on her love life. Maura knew she should just be honest, but she found the situation rather unusual to say the least. It's not like they hadn't covered the subject before. Maura filled her mug with boiled water.

"But no, we didn't."

"Did you want to?"

Maura pursed her lips. Her desire to distract herself from all thoughts of Jane was failing. "I asked her to come in, but she said no."

Cailin's eyes bugged. "Why?"

"It's more exciting if we wait."

"Tell that to someone who might actually believe you," Cailin said, staring at her. "I didn't know a person could talk about excitement and sound so disappointed."

She glanced away. "I'll be fine. She makes a suitable point."

"But you wanted to fuck her brains out."

"Cailin!" Maura carried her mug across to the counter and sat down.

"Too vulgar?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry." She joined her at the counter. "Sometimes I forget you're you."

"What do you mean by that?"

Cailin smiled. "You're complex. You talk about sex as though it's this thing that two people who barely know each other can do, yet you seem to hate the word fuck."

"I don't hate it."

"Yeah, you do."

"I find it distasteful." Maura smiled. "Okay, I hate it."

"You're a sexual person, it doesn't take long to learn that about you. It's like it matters so much more to you, yet you're so relaxed about casual relationships."

Maura laughed, her hands wrapped around the mug. She sipped on her tea. "I contradict myself. I've known that about myself for a long time. I love sex, I think the scientific benefits are important, but so is the deep connection it creates between two people. I refuse to guess when it comes to work, but in my personal life, when it really matters, my mind won't stop. I'm a contradiction."

"I think the scientific term is multi-faceted."

"I like that," Maura said. She swung her legs off the edge of the stool and stood up. "Thank you, Cailin. I think I'll go to bed now. I have work in the morning."

"Don't stay up too late," Cailin said, raising an eyebrow and waving her fingers in the air.

Maura's eyes narrowed, her lips curved at the edges. "Are you heading up?"

"I'll hang out down here for a while," she said. "So don't worry about making too much noise."

She took the stairs one at a time, her cheeks reddened. She didn't know why because it's not like they hadn't discussed sex before. She slowly trailed up to her bedroom, fighting the desires burning beneath the skin. She placed her tea on the bedside cabinet and abandoned it. She stripped off her dress, and lay down under the bed sheets. She stared up at the ceiling, and closed her eyes, picturing Jane's body over her as her hands wandered through the night.

x

When Maura arrived at BPD the next morning, she was surprised to find Jane standing by the elevator with two take-out coffees. She accepted one and stepped inside. The close proximity to Jane took her right back to the night before. As the doors closed, someone else stepped in, leaving her disappointed. She sighed and stood beside Jane, conscious of Jane's little finger tucked around her own.

"I'll see you later, Doctor Isles," she said, smiling as she turned around and backed out of the elevator.

Maura reached a hand out, she opened her mouth, but no words came. The doors closed again and the elevator continued its journey. The officer got out on another floor, before it finally stopped on the floor for the medical examiner's office. She walked out into the corridor, and toward her office, taken aback when a hand grasped her arm and pulled her from the corridor and into a closet.

"What is going on?" she asked, spinning around. Her eyes landed on Jane's. She tilted her head to one side, a smile fixed on her lips. "What are you doing?"

"This," Jane said, pulling her into an embrace, her lips and fingers danced across her mouth, her cheeks, her chin.

All breathe disappeared once more as Maura deepened the kiss. She moved the coffee cup from one hand to the other, then trailed her fingers down Jane's back.

Maura pulled out of the kiss, her mind too busy with questions. "Where did you come from? You got out on another floor?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "I came down the stairs."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" Her fingers tangled through Maura's hair. Her lips trailed across Maura's. "I needed to say good morning."

"Good morning," Maura whispered, the corners of her mouth reached her eyes. She nuzzled her face against Jane's cheek. "I should go."

"Already?"

"A body came in in the night; car wreck. I have an autopsy to carry out, and a grieving family expecting some answers."

"Okay." Jane kissed her again, quick, brief. "I'm gonna give you one last kiss now, before you get body goo on your hands."

"Body goo?" Maura frowned.

"You know what I mean," Jane said, pulling her in for another long, deep, passionate embrace. When she stepped away, Maura felt the cold of her absence. "See you later."

"Bye," Maura whispered as the door opened and Jane slipped out. Maura stood in the dark, her fingers trailed across her bottom lip.

After composing herself, she walked out of the closet and into her office. She had work to do, and thinking about Jane would only make it harder.


	25. Chapter 25

**Author Notes** **: Apparently today is update all my stories and write the start of another new story (which is yet to be posted, I can't decide on whether to write it all before I post it - it's not the other one I plan to do that with) day. So between this, Rookie (which is really exciting me right now, it feels really different from anything I've written before in this fandom) and Caecus (which I've finally written the second chapter of), I'm a bit written out. Well, not really. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, because I enjoyed writing it, even if my mind allows these characters to have some strange conversations sometimes.**

* * *

"Definitely no baby," Jane said, standing behind Maura. She stared over her shoulder at the body in front of them.

"We haven't done a test," Maura said.

"No need." The heady scent of Maura's body followed her, toying with her senses. She reached a hand around her side. "You smell fucking amazing."

Maura leaned backwards. "Why is there no need?"

Jane lowered her hand to her side and backed away slightly. "The painters arrived."

"What have decorators got to do with it?" Maura asked, kneeling down. "I didn't realise you were getting the apartment repainted."

Jane moved to her side, frowning. She folded her arms, then smirked. "No, Maura. Not the painters, _the_ painters."

"Repeating 'the painters' doesn't change its meaning."

Rolling her eyes, Jane crouched beside her. "Okay. Then there's no circus tonight, the monkey's got a nose bleed."

Maura turned to face her, her eyes narrowed. "Circus routines involving animals are barbaric."

"Come on!" Jane said, throwing her hands out at her sides. She turned to the crime scene tech taking photos. "Hey, Allie, there's no circus tonight, the monkeys got a nose bleed."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Maura smiled. Jane rolled her eyes. "How about the painters have arrived?"

"Ah. Bad luck," she said. "But, hey, at least it's not your anniversary with your ungrateful husband."

"Happy anniversary."

"Thanks. I've not heard the circus one before, I like it."

Maura stared at Jane. "Still nothing?"

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"I have a visitor." Maura leaned over and pushed a strand of hair away from the face. "The bitch is back. My uterus ninjas are here. What the hell, Maur?"

"What exactly are you referring to with those ridiculous phrases?"

Jane sighed. "We're surrounded by men, do I really have to spell it out? It's that time of the fucking month."

"Oh. Oh." Maura stood up and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "You got your period?"

Jane narrowed her eyes. "Those are the words I was literally avoiding saying in front of everybody, so thank you very much for announcing it to the whole wide world."

"What's wrong with talking about it in front of other people?"

"Seriously?" Jane stared at her, her eyes wide open. "Does nothing bother you?"

"I work in medical science," she said. "Why would it bother me?"

"So," Jane said, leaning close, she lowered her voice. "My whole point, Doctor Isles, is that I'm a grumpy ass, my stomach is cramping all the damn time, and my nipples feel like they're chafing whenever I move. Add that to the lining of my uterus ruining my favourite underwear, I think it's safe to say I'm not having a baby anytime soon."

"It's unfortunate," Maura said, stoically. "But I suppose we didn't expect it to happen this time."

"So, you're okay?"

Maura sighed. "Jane, we're at a crime scene. We have to piece together what happened to this poor man. I don't have the time to consider how I feel about this."

"Gotcha." She walked around the body. "His hair is very long, either he's in a rock band, or he's homeless."

"I'm sure there are other reasons why he might opt to allow his hair to grow to such length," Maura said.

x

Maura carefully made the Y incision, then pulled back the skin to reveal the rib cage. She picked up the bone saw and cut through the ribs until she had clear access to the chest cavity. The door opening pulled her from her focused work. She paused, listening intently for the sounds that followed.

"If you're here to watch, that's fine. But if you're looking for somebody to discuss something with, I'm a little busy."

"How did you know it was me?" Jane asked.

"You know I recognise the sound of your walk."

"But I got new shoes."

"Different shoes, same walk." Maura pursed her lips. "Can I return to what I was doing now?"

"You're snippy today."

Maura sighed and stood up. She placed the scalpel back into the tray beside the body and peeled off her gloves. "I told you that if you wished to have a conversation now isn't the time."

"I came to update you on the case," Jane said.

"Then update me on the case, don't waste valuable minutes telling me how I'm behaving."

"Now you've taken your gloves off, can I comment on your snippiness?"

Maura pulled a protective sheet around the body and walked across the room toward her office. Jane followed. She ignored her presence and returned to her desk. She opened her laptop; if she couldn't do the autopsy, she would have to find something else to do whilst Jane made whatever point she was so adamant on making.

"Okay, now I know something's wrong," she said, holding open the office door and slipping inside. She walked around to the other side of Maura's desk and rested both hands against the wood. "What's going on?"

"I'm busy, I'm getting a headache, and your disruption does not mesh well with my productivity."

"This morning when I told you how amazing you smelled, I could feel you press your body against me." Jane stared into her eyes. "Ten minutes later and you're as distant as Hitler and Barney the dinosaur."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "Barney and Hitler never met, they're from completely different decades and Barney is fictional. And anatomically incorrect."

"Really?" Jane shook her head. "What's wrong?"

"I wish you hadn't told me you weren't pregnant at a crime scene. Whilst neither of us expected it to be a success, I'm still disappointed and I would have rather been in a position where I could work through my feelings in my own time. Instead I had work to do."

"I'm sorry." Jane stood up. She walked around the desk and perched on the corner, she picked Maura's hand up and cupped it between her own. "I should have realised it was a stupid place to talk about it."

"It's done now," Maura said. "We can't change the past."

"You're disappointed."

She lowered her gaze. "Despite how many reasons why you wouldn't have gotten pregnant, I still hoped you would be."

"Me too." Jane trailed her hand across her shoulder and down her arm. She smiled. "Wanna go make out in the closet?"

Maura pursed lips in an attempt to hide the smirk forcing its way across her mouth. "I really do have a lot of work to do. I can't leave Mr Handley on the table all day."

"How about," Jane said, standing up and walking across to the windows. One by one she closed the blinds and returned to Maura. "Stand up."

"Jane," Maura said, obeying her order.

Leaning in close, Jane pressed her lips to her neck, slowly trailing her mouth across her skin. "A few minutes won't hurt."

Maura leaned her head back, closing her eyes. She placed a hand on Jane's shoulder and succumbed to the playful teasing of her skin. Interlinking their fingers, Jane pulled their arms out at their sides, squeezing her hands and bending them inward.

"You should probably wash your hands," Maura said, as Jane captured her mouth.

"Do you mind? I'm doing my best work here," she said, staring into her eyes and reclaiming her lips again.

"My fingers have been inside Mr Handley's chest cavity."

"You had gloves on."

"Then you have the inside of mildly sweaty latex gloves."

"It's your sweat," she said, circling kisses across her collarbone.

"I would still recommend washing your hands." Before Jane could complain, Maura untangled herself from her. She lay one gentle kiss at the corner of her mouth and stepped away. "I really have work to do."

x

Jane entered the Dirty Robber with purpose, the knowledge that she wasn't pregnant, mixed with a niggling cramp gave her more reason to have her first beer in a couple of weeks. She approached the bar.

"Beer?" Angela asked. "Or are you still doing whatever health kick got you drinking so much of that non-alcohol crap."

"Tasted pretty good for fake beer," Jane said, sliding onto a stool. "Definitely a proper beer, thanks, Ma."

She cracked open a bottle and placed it in front of her. Jane gripped it in her hand, feeling the ice cold bottle against her skin. She turned it around, desperate to taste it, but keen to savour the moment.

"You gonna drink it?"

"Shh," Jane said. "This is a sacred moment."

She closed her eyes and lifted the bottle to her lips, gulping down the liquid until the usually enjoyable taste hit her tastebuds and she almost spat it out across the bar. She swallowed, gagging a little.

"What did you do to the beer?" she asked, grabbing a napkin and wiping at the edges of her mouth.

"Nothin'," Angela said. "What's up?"

Jane pushed the bottle toward her. "Tastes disgusting."

She frowned and swallowed a mouthful. "Tastes alright to me."

"Not possible," Jane said, she picked up the bottle and took another small sip, before spitting it back into the bottle. "That's fucking revolting."

"Do you have to swear?"

"But it tastes terrible, how can you say it tastes okay? Get me something else."

"Maybe your tastebuds adapted to the non-alcoholic beer," Angela said, reaching for a bottle.

Jane glared but accepted the drink. The moment the liquid travelled down her throat, she sighed. "Why does this still taste like fake beer but real beer tastes like crap?"

"You getting sick?" Angela rested the back of her hand across her forehead. "Maybe your tastebuds are off."

She batted her hand away. "I'm fine, Ma, leave me alone."

"That stuff's better for you, anyway. Maybe it's your body's way of telling you to drink less."

"Unlikely." Jane rolled her eyes. "You have met me, right? I survive off of beer, pizza and burgers."

"There's gotta be a reason why."

"Maybe your beer is broken."

"Beer doesn't break."

"A bad batch."

"Batch is fine."

"I don't believe you."

"Not believing it doesn't make is untrue."

She groaned and focused on her non-alcoholic beer. "Not the same."

x

"What are you doing here?" Maura asked, zipping up the body bag and sliding the trolley across to the refrigerator door.

Cailin followed her. "I had to come and do some paperwork."

"I thought we'd sorted that," Maura said, pushing the door open.

"Something to do with clearance, and identification." Cailin held the door open as Maura wheeled the body through. "They took my photo, and my fingerprints, and they now know I'm definitely not a criminal."

"Will you be home later?"

"We having dinner?" she asked raising her eyebrows. She smirked. "Or are you and Jane having dinner?"

"I wanted to spend the evening with Jane," Maura said.

"I see." Cailin grinned. "I can be out."

"Don't look at me like that?" Maura pursed her lips. "Spending time with Jane doesn't automatically mean sex."

"Doesn't it?"

"No." Maura slid the trolley across the room. "We're not there yet. We're taking our time."

"Whose decision is that?"

"Both of ours." She opened one of the doors and motioned for Cailin to help her, together they lifted the body bag onto the tray and slid it back into the compartment. "Besides, it's not the right time of the month."

"Right. Because that has to stop you."

Maura stared at her, her eyes wide. "Cailin!"

She shrugged. "Well it doesn't."

"I didn't know you were all that experienced."

"Just 'cause I've only been in a couple serious relationships doesn't mean I don't know my way around my monthly visitor."

Maura rolled her eyes, and ignored her. "So, you'll be out?"

"I will." She smirked, and wiggling her eyebrows. "I hope you have a great time."

"Cailin!"

She forged her biggest smile. "Do you wanna get lunch?"

"I've got three bodies backed up," Maura said.

"Maybe tomorrow then."

"Give me a call about eleven, I should know by then."

"I'll catch you later."

x

"The pizza's here," Maura said, carrying it over to the coffee table and sitting down beside it. She waited until Jane joined her, a glass of water in hand.

"This smells so…" Jane stood beside the table and covered her mouth. She lowered the glass to the table.

Maura frowned. "Are you okay?"

Jane shook her head and backed away. At a safe distance, she removed her hand. "Either it's me, or there's something wrong with the pizza."

"Beer and pizza?" Maura raised an eyebrow. She picked up a slice and bit off the end. "It tastes like it usually does."

"It can't." Jane walked towards it and picked a slice up, before dropping it back and retreating again. She covered her face. "I think there's something wrong with me."

Maura's eyes grew wide, goose pimples travelled across her arms and a chill across her neck. "Jane, sit down."

"Can't," she muttered through her fingers. "It's making me feel sick."

Picking up the box, Maura put it in the kitchen and closed the lid. She rested a hand on Jane's upper back and rubbed it up and down. "Sit down."

"Thanks," Jane said, taking sips of her water.

"How heavy is your period?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "That, again? I'm not talking about it with you."

"I need to know."

"Not very."

"Do I recall you saying it arrived early?"

"Yeah." Jane frowned. "What's with all the questions?"

Maura gripped her hand. "Your period, the tenderness in your breasts, being off certain foods. They're all symptoms."

"Yeah, of being a fucking woman." Jane rubbed her eyes and took another sip. "God, I feel worse."

"It's possible that you could be pregnant."

"But my period," Jane said.

"Spotting is common in early pregnancy, it's probably why some people don't realise until they have more obvious symptoms."

"I…what?" Jane's mouth dropped open. "I can't be. I was still drunk when we did the insemination."

Maura raised her eyebrows. "I guess we could have got lucky."

"It's too soon." Jane leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. She breathed heavily, gasping for air.

"Jane," Maura rubbed her back. "It's okay. You had to know this was possible."

"I need to do a test."

"I have some in the bathroom closet."

"We weren't ready for it to happen now."

"I know."

"How can I be? Is this why so many people get pregnant after one night stands? Does alcohol actually help?"

Maura sighed. "No, Jane. Alcohol doesn't help. People are more likely to get pregnant whilst intoxicated because intoxications means you're more likely to forget about protective intercourse."

"Do you have to make it sound like some science book?" Jane rubbed her eyes again. "I might be pregnant here."

x

"I can't believe it," Jane said, handing the test over to Maura.

"Me neither," Maura whispered, perching on the edge of the bathtub.

Jane rested her elbows onto her knees and leaned forward, her whole body shook, her lips tingled with the need to vomit. She breathed slowly, methodically, but the tingling sensation only increased. She stood up, span round and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl.

"Oh Jane." Maura kneeled down beside her, rubbing her back as she continued to throw up.

"I was fine, is this like that thing where your mind thinks you're supposed to be doing something so you do it?"

"I'm sure your body was always going to do this," Maura said, circling her palm across her back.

Jane leaned over the bowl, gathered up the excess saliva in the front of her mouth and spat it out. She sighed and sat back against her ankles. "I hope this doesn't mean no pizza for nine months."

"The increased senses will return to normal eventually, but there's no guarantee you will want the same foods. The body does amazing things during pregnancy."

"Let me guess," Jane said. "You've read all about it."

"I read a chapter on it a few months ago." Maura stood up and dampened a face cloth. She filled a glass of water and handed it to Jane, then ran the cloth across her forehead.

"Thank you." She rested her hands on the sides of the toilet and pulled herself up. "I should go home."

"Not like this."

"I need to sleep." She moved her foot to one side and gripped Maura's shoulder. She lowered herself back down. "I need to sit down."

"You're staying here." Maura reached an arm around Jane's waist and held her upright. "This is because of me, the least I can do is look after you."

"You're right," Jane said, resting her head against her shoulder. She smirked. "You got me pregnant. My girlfriend got me pregnant."

"Girlfriend?" Maura asked, as they moved across the bathroom towards Maura's bedroom.

"Yeah." Jane slouched onto the bed. "Right?"

"We haven't spoken about it." Maura pulled the bedsheets aside and helped her under the covers. "It's only been a week."

"So?" Jane hugged the bed sheets, pulling them tightly around her front.

Maura crawled onto the bed beside her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, she kissed her cheek. "It's just weird, to hear it."

"You're okay with it though?"

"Of course." Maura kissed her cheek again, and stroked her face. Jane turned over and nestled her face against the crook of her neck. Maura stroked her hair back from her face and kissed her head. "Try to get some sleep."

"I want pizza."

"No pizza for you until you're feeling better," she said, running her hand across her hair. She rested her head against Jane's and stroked her cheek, like a person might absentmindedly stroke their puppy.

"This baby thing sucks," Jane said, sighing against her side. Maura pulled her in tighter, enveloping her.

"It'll get easier," she said.

"I know." She breathed in slowly, then exhaled. "The end, that won't suck."

"No," Maura said, kissing her head again. "The end won't suck at all."


	26. Chapter 26

**Author Notes** **: So, I finally managed to get another chapter done. I'm at a funny place with this story in that I had planned a few things for the run up to them having the baby, and because things changed, the timeline changed, so I didn't actually plan the pregnancy happening in this way. But I will have to get through it, to write the rest of the story. Hopefully I'll make it enjoyable. Thanks to everyone who is with me on this one! I will hopefully update Rookie and/or Caecus tomorrow.**

* * *

"Hey, Maura," said Korsak. He stepped into her office with a case file in hand.

She placed a set of X-rays down and glanced up. "Good Morning, Vince, what can I do for you?"

"We've hit a stumbling block with the latest case." He edged into the room. "I really don't want to disturb Jane while she's off work, especially with her being sick. But I wanted her opinion."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "I'm sure Jane would appreciate your visit."

"I know, but I don't want her to think I'm pushing for her to come back sooner than she needs to. She's never normally off work for longer than a day, and we both know if I try to ask her any questions she'll push herself too hard."

She stood up and walked across the room. She took a seat in a chair by the door and motioned for Korsak to join her. "What would you like me to do?"

He shook his head then perched on the arm of the couch. "I'm not staying. Angela let slip that Jane's been staying at your house. I know you'll keep her from doing too much, she listens to you."

"Is that the case file?" she asked, nodding at the file in his hands.

"Yes," he said, leaning forward and handing it to her. "I don't expect any miracles, and if she's feeling too ill it doesn't matter."

"I'll see what I can do."

"I appreciate that." He stood up, turned and walked out the door, before turning back. "And thank you."

She smiled. "You're welcome, Vince."

x

Maura climbed onto her bed, clutching a paper bag. Jane turned over, bags drooped below her eyes and her hair matted. She smiled though the lack of energy made it fade quickly, and rested her fingers around Maura's wrist.

"I think you should see a doctor," Maura said, kissing her head. "It's too early in the pregnancy for this to be morning sickness."

"Are you kidding me?" Jane asked, leaning onto her back and groaning. "So I might have to go through all this again?"

"I'm sorry." Maura leaned over and kissed her again, running her lips across the side of her face. "I've brought you some things."

Sitting up a little, Jane leaned her head against Maura's shoulder and watched as she emptied the contents of the bag onto the bed, one at a time.

"I got some sorbet, it'll help with your hydration and hopefully be refreshing."

"What flavour?"

"Blueberry."

"Yum!"

She placed it on the bed sheets. "I'll put some in a bowl and freeze the rest."

"No need, I'll eat it out the tub," Jane said, retrieving a spoon from a bowl on the cabinet and licking it clean.

"What did you just do?"

"Reuse my spoon from lunch," Jane said, opening up the tub and proceeding to eat the sorbet.

"That's not very hygienic," she said.

"I wanted sorbet, I'm saving on water not needed to clean it before I use it again." She spooned some blueberry sorbet into her mouth and moaned quietly.

Maura narrowed her eyes then proceeded to retrieve the final items from the bag. "I got some baby wipes."

Jane glared. "Is that some kind of stupid joke? I know you don't think it's morning sickness but this baby's already trying to kill me."

Maura smiled and rolled her eyes. "You can use them to wipe your face, they're refreshing."

"I guess."

"Some hard candy."

"Gimme!" Jane took the bag off her and opened it up. She placed the sorbet onto the cabinet beside her lunch bowl, and tossed a piece of candy into her mouth. She leaned her head back against Maura's shoulder.

"I also got you a baseball sticker collection magazine and a couple dozen of the stickers."

Jane sat upright, her mouth dropped, she stared down at the magazine and packets of stickers, then wrapped her arms around Maura. "You are the best."

"I was under the impression that the collections are aimed at children," Maura said. "But since you're stuck in bed, vomiting, I thought it might be an enjoyable relief."

"These things were so much fun as a kid," Jane said, ripping open one of the packets. She flicked through the packet of stickers. "Bet he's popular, there's gonna be heaps of him. I'm gonna end up with a out three of most of these guys."

"Three?" Maura frowned. "You get the same stickers?"

"Yeah," Jane said. "Haven't you ever collected baseball stickers? Or horse dressing up, or whatever it was you liked as a kid."

She wrapped an arm around Jane's shoulder and ran her hand up and down her arm. "I don't believe I've ever purchased a baseball sticker collection set, or any other kind."

"Some people are really popular," Jane said, sitting up and spreading the stickers across the bed. "Like the well known guys, there's like three in every pack so you end up with loads of certain players. What kids do is swap the players they have for the players they don't have."

"But if everyone gets three of that guy," Maura said, pointing at one of the stickers. "Then nobody would want to swap."

"There's dozens of popular players, so I might end up with ten of him, while someone else gets ten of another player. So we'd swap and hopefully get a full set. But some players are nearly impossible to find."

"So it's not easy to complete the collection?"

Jane shook her head and opened up the magazine. "No. When I was ten I got all but one, I could never find the Washington Nationals mascot, and it wasn't even that rare."

"I have something else for you," Maura said, as Jane ripped open another sticker packet. Maura reached into her purse and pulled out the case file. "Since you're feeling a little brighter this afternoon, Korsak wanted your help on a case."

Narrowing her eyes at the stickers in front of her, Jane returned her attention to Maura. "Why couldn't he come over himself?"

"He knew you were staying here," Maura said, placing the case file down on the bed. "I don't want you to do too much work, and delay your recovery. Particularly given the pregnancy."

"Lemme see," Jane said, reaching for the case file. She opened it, the stickers abandoned underneath. She scanned a couple of pages. "I'll see if I can figure something out."

Maura watched her for a few minutes, her lips curved at the edges. She reached for the case file and closed it, dropping it back onto the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Not right now, Jane," she said, edging closer.

"But Korsak," she began, only for Maura to cut her off.

"It can wait. I wanted to talk to you." Maura wrapped an arm around her shoulder and they settled back against the bed head. "With you being sick, we didn't really get to celebrate."

"Celebrate?"

"The baby."

"Oh, yeah."

She nuzzled her face against the side of Jane's neck and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. "I didn't get to tell you how happy I am that you're pregnant."

"Me too," Jane said, cupping her cheeks, she turned in her embrace and captured her mouth. Running her fingers across Maura's cheek, she deepened the kiss. Then pulled back, her hand covered her mouth. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Maura said, leaning over the bed and retrieving the nearly empty bowl. She placed it on Jane's lap and rubbed her back as the contents of her stomach made their way back up. "This is why I don't want you doing the work now. You've had enough excitement for this evening. Maybe before bed."

"I think the baby's trying to kill me," Jane said, dropping the bowl back onto the floor and shuffling beneath the bed covers. "They're a fast growing ninja baby who's attacking me from the inside."

Maura laughed and lay down beside her, her hand rested against Jane's shoulder. "This is why we need to take you to the doctor."

"But I'll be fine," Jane said. "I'm always fine eventually."

"No," Maura said, stroking her hair back from her face. "We're not doing this the way you usually do things. Not when there's a baby involved. You need to stay hydrated."

"Fine," Jane said, her energy level dropped. She reached for Maura's hand and clutched it to her chest. She closed her eyes. "But only because you're so pretty."

x

"I'm fine, Ma," Jane said, hooking her badge onto her belt.

Angela reached a hand out to her head, which Jane backed away from. "You still look pale. Are you sure you should be going into work?"

"I told you already, it was just a bug, I've not thrown up in twenty four hours."

"Doesn't mean you should be going to work."

"The doctor said it's fine, Maura said its fine, you do not get to say it's not fine."

She stood upright and narrowed her eyes. "I'm your mother and I worry, I'll always get to say it's not fine."

"I'm forty." Jane picked up a coffee mug and poured fresh coffee from the machine into it. "Doesn't mean I have to listen to you. I'm a big girl."

"No, I don't suppose you do," Angela said, staring wistfully at her. Jane walked across to the counter and placed her drink between them. Angela reached out and rested a hand against Jane's cheek. Jane tried to move back. "Can't a mother show her daughter affection for a few minutes?"

Rolling her eyes, Jane stood still and allowed her to stroke her face. "It's weird when you do that."

"It is not." She sighed. "I still can't quite believe my little girl is forty, makes me feel so old."

"You're not old, Ma," Jane said.

"I feel it. I feel it every time one of you has a birthday."

"I promise to stop having birthdays from now on."

"You shouldn't," she said. "You're never too old to celebrate your birth."

"Even if it makes you all gooey eyed?"

"Even then." She dropped her hand to her side. Jane lifted her coffee mug to her lips. "I just wish you'd been settled before now, is all. I thought you'd give me grandchildren, but I guess I've gotta hope Frankie hurries up before it's too late for him, too."

Jane narrowed her eyes, her hand went instinctively to her stomach. She returned her mug to the counter and leaned over, resting her hands on Angela's shoulders. "Don't write me off just yet, Ma."

"Your chances of having children decrease when you hit forty, did you know that?"

"No, I didn't," she said rolling her eyes. "Of course I know, Ma. I'm well aware of it. I don't need you pointing out how unlikely it is for me to get pregnant."

"I wished you and Silver had worked out, you two were great together."

She stalked across the room and sat down on the ottoman. She slipped one foot into her boot and laced it up. "You know how I feel about Maura, it was never gonna happen with Silver."

Angela turned to face her. "Then hurry up and tell Maura how you feel before you lose her."

"None of your business, Ma."

"I love you, of course it's my business."

"I'm not having this conversation with you," she said, lacing up her other boot. Before either of them could say anything more, Jane's cellphone buzzed on the counter.

"Jane Rizzoli's phone," Angela said, picking it up. Jane glared and stalked back across the room, her hand outstretched. Angela's face lit up. "She's right here Officer."

"Don't ever answer my phone again," Jane said, covering the mouthpiece, before she rested the phone against her ear. "Rizzoli. Yeah, I'll be right there."

x

Maura stood at the hood of the car, analysing the angle at which the body had been thrown through the windshield. She leaned over with her gloved hand and wiped a greasy residue from the victim's cheek.

"We need a sample of this," she said, turning to Cailin.

"Gotcha," Cailin said, swiping a sample bud across the residue and securing it in a tube. "Anything else?"

"There's some marking on her forehead," Maura said, brushing the hair to one side. "But I can't see any blood or stain. It's probably an old injury."

Cailin walked around to Maura's other side, and glanced down at the marking. "Looks like a tattoo."

"Really?" Maura leaned closer, and ran her finger across the lines on her forehead.

"I'd say it's the Harry Potter lightening bolt."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "Why would anyone get that tattooed on their head?"

Staring at Maura, Cailin rolled her eyes. "Why would anyone be dressed in a black robe with a Gryffindor scarf round their neck?"

She walked around to the side of the hood and lifted up the side of the robe, until she'd found the label. "Official Harry Potter merchandise."

"Is there some sort of Harry Potter con going on?"

"I'm sure Jane and Korsak can look into that line of enquiry."

"Did somebody say my name?" Jane asked, approaching the scene. She stood beside Maura and leaned in. "Why do those gloves make you look so hot?"

"Really?" Maura leaned back. Jane nodded. She tugged at the bottom of her glove and pulled it down. "I don't know, Detective."

"Not helping," Jane said. She turned her attention to Cailin. "What was that about me?"

"We think the victim might have been on her way to some sort of Harry Potter convention."

"It's a line of supposition," Maura said, focusing on Cailin. "We don't guess, we make hypotheses."

"Right," Cailin said. "So it might be worth looking into because she's got the lightening bolt tattooed on her forehead."

Jane frowned. "Why do people do these things?"

"Hard core fans," Cailin said.

"It's equally likely that she's on her way to a fancy dress party and isn't much of a fan at all," Maura said.

Jane walked over to the car door and leaned in, pulling out a small bag. "Most non-fans don't have the lightening bolt tattooed on their foreheads."

Cailin walked over to Jane's side. "Most fans don't, either. What's in the bag?"

"Kevin Jones," Jane said, holding up their driver's licence. "Looks like the same person, but this says our victim is male."

Maura reached out a hand and analysed the photograph. "I won't be able to check until we've got them on the table, but I'm certain Kevin Jones was born female."

"So it could be a hate crime?" Jane asked, taking the driver's licence and putting it back into the bag.

"That's for you to investigate, Detective," Maura said, fluttering her eyelashes as she walked past Jane. She continued her walk back toward the morgue truck, conscious of the movement of her hips, and turned back to Jane, whose eyes followed her. "I'll see you later. Come on Cailin."

"You two are so cute," Cailin said, rushing off after Maura.

x

Cupping Maura's face, Jane pushed her against the wall of her office, her lips trailed across her mouth, her fingers slid through her hair. She ran her hands across the back of her head, her tongue slipped into Maura's mouth, dancing with her own. She pulled back briefly, to take in a breath, before repeating the action.

"The blinds," Maura said, pulling backward. Jane pressed her body against Maura's, and ignored her words. Eventually, Maura pushed her away. "I'm going to close the blinds now before someone catches us."

"Fuck it," Jane said, grasping at her hand. Maura stopped midway across the room, her fingers tangled up in Jane's hand. "Please."

She continued across the room and closed the blinds, one by one, until they had as much privacy as possible in a working environment. Jane scooped her back up into her arms, her fingers ran across her back and down her dress, cupping her butt. She captured her mouth again, pulling her as close as possible until she stepped backward, gasping for breath.

"Why haven't we had sex yet?" she asked, putting a bit of distance between them.

"I don't know," Maura said. "I suppose with you being ill."

"Do you want to have sex?"

"Yes," Maura said, stepping forward. Jane stayed still as Maura reached for her hands. She stepped closer, until her mouth was so close to Jane's ear she could feel her breath against her skin. "It's all I've been able to think about with you in my bed."

"If I hadn't been sick," Jane said, swallowing. Maura pushed her hand down between Jane's legs, putting pressure against the front of her slacks. "God."

Maura stepped back, a smirk spread across her face. "Tonight?"

"Now?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Detective."

"Ugh. You did the thing with your hand, and your breath on my ear, and calling me Detective, and I feel like a teenager again."

Leaning back down, Maura ran her fingers across Jane's back, pushing the fabric aside, trailing across her bare skin. She shuddered. Their mouths pressed together, moving slowly. Jane pulled back, and let out a soft moan.

"I should go back upstairs."

"Yes, Detective," she said. "You should."

Leaning in again, Jane pulling back before she could kiss her. "You're making this too hard. You're making everything too hard."

"What else is hard?"

"Knowing I have to go back to my apartment," she said, turning around and walking across the room. "Being anywhere near you without wanting to rip your clothes off."

"You're going back to your apartment?" Maura asked, her eyes narrowed.

"Well, yeah," Jane said. "I only stayed at your house because I was sick. Ma would get suspicious if I started sleeping in your bed. The only reason she's not introducing you to people as her daughter-in-law is because I told her you were in with Cailin. Now Cailin's staying, where else would I go?"

Maura walked toward her and took her hands. "I wish you weren't right. But there is another solution."

"Which is?"

"Tell Angela."

"No." Jane shook her head, letting go of Maura's hands. "Not yet. Not until we're sure the baby's okay."

"We don't have to tell her about the baby," Maura said. "But if we told her we were together, you could move in and we could carry on with our original plan."

"You still want me to move in?"

"Don't you want to?"

"Yeah," Jane said. "Eventually. But we've only been dating a few weeks. Isn't it a bit soon?"

Maura raised an eyebrow and stared at Jane. "Most people don't get pregnant before starting their relationship."

"Oh, yeah."

"So, we're a little unconventional," Maura said, wrapping her arms back around Jane's waist and pulling her in close. "We don't have to tell your mother, if you don't want to. Maybe I could stay at your apartment tonight."

"On my lumpy mattress?" Jane brushed her hair back from her cheeks. "I wouldn't subject you to that. I guess I can wait."

"We could always send her on another spa weekend, maybe her and Cailin would like to go together," Maura said, leaning in close. She nibbled at Jane's bottom lip. "Then we can be alone."

"Fucking body," Jane muttered, stepping backward, her eyes trailed down Maura's body. "Let's book it now."

"I'll come over to your apartment about seven?"

Jane rolled her eyes, and clenched her fists. "There's a stupid Harry Potter party tonight that's part of a week of events. We think that's where Kevin Jones was going, and I said I'd go along with Korsak."

"That's a shame," Maura said. "I know just what I'd like to wear."

"I hate work," Jane said, marching toward the door. She turned around and captured Maura's lips one last time, before opening the door and leaving her office.


	27. Chapter 27

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for the reviews, and for anyone who has favourited or followed me or my stories since the last updates. Sometimes I get reviews for older stories, it's nice to see people enjoying stories I've almost forgotten about.**

 **I finished my main job today. I'm working Sunday/Monday at my other job, so writing may be a little more troublesome for a couple of days (I finish 9pm Sunday night and start again 9am Monday morning). But I'm hoping Saturday will be a big day for writing (when I'm not having to get out of the house for an hour when someone comes to look at maybe buying it).**

* * *

Maura leaned back against her bed, Jane's thigh pressed between her legs, her body weighted down on her chest. She wrapped her legs around her back, tugging her closer, fighting for breath as she claimed Jane's lips. She moaned, running her hands down Jane's back. When her hands hit Jane's belt, she tugged at the fabric, releasing it from its prison. She slipped her hands beneath the material, pushing it back up, revealing bare skin to the room.

The front door opened downstairs, Jane sprang back, her knees on either side of Maura. She stared down, her eyes darted about.

"Who's that?"

"I would hazard a guess at either Cailin, or your mother," Maura said. "Cailin's supposed to be out with friends. I was under the impression that Angela was working."

The familiar sound of Angela pottering about the kitchen travelled upstairs, her need to mutter loudly to herself made it all the more obvious. Jane groaned and rolled onto her back, away from Maura.

"What is she doing here?"

"We don't need to stop," Maura said, trailing her hand across her stomach and resting her head against Jane's shoulder.

She pushed it away. "I can't do this with her down there. She makes too much noise, she's distracting."

"Just block it out," Maura said, closing her lips around her earlobe, her teeth nipping her skin. She closed her eyes, scooping Maura into her arms, pulling her over her.

She opened her eyes again, letting out a loud, frustrated groan. "I can't."

"We'll have to reschedule," Maura said, lying down beside her, their little fingers linked between them. "Unless you'd like to get a hotel room."

"It's too late." Jane gritted her teeth, pots and pans clanged downstairs. "The moment we go downstairs she'll feed us pasta and we won't have a good enough excuse to leave."

Maura smiled and kissed her. "It wouldn't be the first time. I came home one night from a date and she was there. I really wanted to go upstairs and have some alone time."

"Alone-alone time?" Jane asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes, Jane," she said, smirking. "Alone-alone time."

"What happened?"

"I spent three hours trying different sauces, she was practicing some new dishes so she could make some for the man she was seeing. I think she wanted some alone-alone time with him."

"Ew. Maura." Jane rolled off the bed and stood up. "Now I'm really not in the mood."

"Are you at least hungry?"

"I could eat a horse," she said, heading for the door, her arms slouched by her sides. "Might as well eat something tonight."

x

The bedroom door opened in the night. Maura, pulled from sleep, sat up, her eyes landed on the silhouette walking toward her. Her heart thumped against her rib cage, until her eyes adjusted to the lack of light, and Jane's dark curls came into focus.

"Jane?"

"Yeah, it's me," she said, her footsteps silent across the floor.

"What are you doing here?" Maura glanced at the clock on her nightstand. "It's the middle of the night."

"Couldn't sleep."

"So you thought you'd scare me half to death?"

The bed lowered on one side, Jane's silhouette shifted across the bedsheets. Maura opened her mouth to speak, stopped only by her lips. She tangled her fingers up in the back of Jane's hair, holding her steady, their tongues danced between them.

"Didn't mean to scare you," Jane whispered, between kisses. "Thought now might be a good time."

"For what exactly?"

She was cut off again, Jane's body pressed against her, pushing her back down against the bedsheets. Her tongue trailed across Maura's lips. She lifted her shirt and tossed it across the bedroom.

"Okay," she said. Maura pushed the sheets off her body, removing the barrier between herself and Jane's skin.

"I love that you sleep naked," Jane said.

Maura wrapped her legs around her back, pulling her closer. She dreamed of that moment for weeks, she'd let her mind drift in the night, pushing her own body to its limits to ward off the need for more. Feeling Jane's pert breasts crushed against her own sent sensations coursing through her whole body.

She dragged her fingernails up Jane's back, then back down, teasing her skin. She cupped Jane's rounded behind, moulding the skin to her hands and peppered kisses along her collarbone, fighting the urge to speed things up. Jane's lips nibbled and sucked her skin, working her soft lips across tender nipples, and down to her thighs. Maura lifted her hips off the bed, her fingers tangled back up around dark tendrils, then down to the bedsheets.

She moaned with every touch, fought her desire to let go, her fingers clenched around the sheets, gripping so tightly she expected her hands to ache in the morning. She writhed under supple skin, capturing Jane's lips when they returned to her mouth, tasting the salty taste of her own body on Jane's tongue.

"I can't believe you came back," Maura whispered, her lips so close to Jane's ear, her heart raced. She gasped for air, her hips moved against Jane's body. She nibbled her earlobe, trailing kisses down her neck.

"All I could think about was this," Jane said, her fingers following her lips up across Maura's swollen nipples. "I couldn't sleep without doing something."

Maura cupped her cheeks, tugging her mouth closer, tangling their tongues together as she pushed her thigh between Jane's legs, and turned them over. She gripped her skin, digging her nails into her shoulder blades, returning the favour as she trailed her tongue across Jane's body. She moaned beneath her, wrapping her legs around Maura's back, luring her closer and closer as they worked together into the night.

x

Opening her eyes, Maura stared our across her bedroom. The morning sun streamed through the curtains, illuminating the room. The alarm buzzed noisily on her nightstand, cutting through the exhaustion it pulled her from. She reached out and shut it off, and felt the tug of happiness as she remembered her night. She could still hear Jane scream out, hushed quickly by Maura's hand, as she tipped over the edge. Maura turned over. Her eyes landed on Jane's hair, and her heart leaped about. She reached out to touch it, then changed her mind. Instead, she slipped a thigh against Jane's, and wrapped an arm around her naked torso.

"It's too early," Jane muttered, her voice croaked. She twisted around and shifted herself closer to Maura. Chewing on her bottom lip, she opened her eyes. "Hi."

"Hi yourself," Maura said, leaning in and brushing her lips against Jane's. She pulled back, until Jane returned the favour and she deepened the kiss, digging her fingernails across Jane's thigh.

"Round two?" Jane asked, barely breaking the kiss.

Maura sighed and lowered her head. "I can't. I have an early meeting."

Jane ran a hand across Maura's forehead. "What's that? You have a fever? Sorry, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts can't come in today, she's sick."

Laughing, Maura removed Jane's hand and pressed her lips to her palm. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Jane said. "Abandon me, leave me to suffer in silence."

"I think you're capable of looking after yourself," Maura said, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth and nibbling her skin. "From the way you were last night."

"You mean this morning," Jane said. "How long did we actually sleep? Three hours?"

"Closer to two," Maura said. "After you decided you wanted me one last time."

"I want you one last time now."

"I hope it wouldn't be the last time."

"Not if I have anything to do with it." She sat up and lifted a leg across Maura's body, straddling her. She leaned down and sucked Maura's nipple, trailing her fingers across her thighs. "The first. Of many."

Maura sat up, resting her chin on Jane's shoulder. She succumbed to the reactions of her body, the desires making Jane's physical demands harder to resist. She closed her eyes, moaning against her ear with every touch. She could hear a soft tapping sound coming from the door.

"Busy," she shouted.

"What was that?" Jane asked.

"Nothing," Maura said, her eyes rolling back in her head. She needed to get ready for work, and Cailin no doubt needed to borrow something, but Jane's fingers had rendered her helpless and she didn't really want to leave her.

x

"Finally, I thought you were never gonna surface," Cailin said, handing Maura a to-go mug of coffee and a bagel, and picking up her purse. "You're gonna be late for your meeting."

"I know," Maura said, slipping the bagel into her own purse. "Thank you."

She followed Cailin out to the car. They sat in silence for the majority of the drive. Maura tried to find things to say, but her heart and mind were distracted. Her body still tingled from the feel of Jane's hands on her skin. She pressed her lips together to disguise the ridiculous smile that seemed insistent on forcing its way across her mouth.

At a stop light, Maura took a sip of coffee. She gripped the wheel with one hand, and swallowed a mouthful. She took another sip, the junction was particularly slow. The caffeine went straight to her head, pulling her out of the exhaustion she'd found herself in moments after waking.

"Sounded like Jane enjoyed your sleepover," Cailin said.

She attempted to swallow, the coffee got caught up in her throat and she coughed quickly. She returned the coffee mug to the drinks holder and coughed louder. Resting a hand against her neck, she cleared her throat.

"How did you know about that?" Maura asked, feeling the warmth spread to her face. A car honked behind them, and Maura put the car into drive.

"I got woken up," Cailin said. "You weren't very quiet."

"I," Maura sighed. "I don't know what to say."

Cailin shrugged. "You don't need to say anything. I'm pleased you finally got laid."

"Do you have to say it like that?"

"Too vulgar?"

Maura pursed her lips, fighting a smirk. She allowed her lips to curve and turned briefly to Cailin. "It's never been like that before. With anyone."

"So, you liked it?"

"I like Jane," Maura said, slowing at another stop light. She twisted slightly in her seat. "You know those songs that talk about love as this amazing, wonderful thing and it feels completely untouchable?"

"Yeah."

"It's not so untouchable anymore. It's the complete opposite. Nothing has ever come close and I don't anticipate it will again."

They set off, turned left and pulled into the BPD parking lot. Cailin stayed silent for the rest of the journey, on the walk from the car to the office. Maura hung her jacket on the hook by the door and folded her arms.

"You've not said much," she said.

"There's nothing much to say."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "You were quite verbose earlier. What's wrong?"

"I'm worried that this is too big."

"My relationship with Jane?" Cailin nodded. "How can something be too big? We haven't said it, but I expect you were right when you said Jane loves me. I love her. I didn't realise how close I could feel to someone, and that's not because I haven't tried, it's because they were the wrong people."

"I know." Cailin walked toward her and reached for her hand. "I'm happy for you, so happy. You know that. I just don't want you to get hurt. When it's big, you fall faster, and it hurts more."

"There's no reason for it to hurt," Maura said, rubbing her other hand across Cailin's and walking across the room. She pulled a book off the shelf and placed it on her desk, before firing up the laptop. "I have my eyes wide open. I know how important this is, to both of us."

"Okay, if you're sure."

"I am."

"Great." Cailin placed her hands on the edge of the desk. "What should I do, Boss?"

x

Jane closed the case file on her desk and pushed it to one side. She ran a hand across her stomach, resting it there for a moment as she stared down at her fingers. She imagined it swelled, the baby nearing full size. The last time she was pregnant she didn't get to reach that stage. She still remembered the day she found out her baby hadn't made it, and the tug of her heart when she realised what that meant.

"You might not want to do that," Maura said, standing beside her desk.

Jane jumped upright, her hand dropped to her side. She glared at Maura. "Don't do that."

"Sorry," she said, rested a hand on the back of Jane's chair. "I wanted to see how you were feeling."

"After my bout of nausea this morning?" Maura nodded. "It comes and goes. Hasn't amounted to anything, thankfully."

"You know where I am if it gets too much."

"I know." She searched the vicinity, then lifted her hand up to Maura's, tapping a couple of her fingertips across the side of her hand. "I think I'm good. Better for seeing you."

"Can we get a drink tonight?" Maura leaned against the desk and rested her hand down against Jane's stomach. She diverted her attention across to the case board. "I thought we could talk."

"We talk all the time."

"Lately there's not been much talking," Maura said, leaning closer, she lowered her voice. Her eyes fixed on Jane. "Not since you discovered that thing that makes it impossible for me to speak."

"The thing we did this morning or last night?"

"Last night."

"I'll see you at the Robber after work."

Maura nodded, sliding her hand across Jane's stomach. "I'll see you later."

x

"A glass of Pinot Noir and a non-alcoholic beer," Angela said, emptying her tray. "I'm worried about you, Janie. This health kick isn't doing you any good, you're already skinnier than I've ever been."

"It's fine, Ma," she said, averting her gaze. She hated lying to her.

"Thank you," Maura said. "Would you like to join us for a drink? I feel like we haven't spent much time together lately."

"Nah, it's busy," Angela said. Jane followed Angela's gaze around the room; the bar was nearly empty.

"We've all been a little busy lately." Maura lifted up her glass and stared at Jane. She stared back, her eyebrows creased together. She pursed her lips. "It's the first time I've been out with Jane outside of work in days."

"Sure," Angela said.

Jane watched her, searching her face for some suggestion that she was on to them. They'd been sneaking around all week, and Jane was growing tiresome of it. She wished to leave the house with Maura, instead of hiding out in her bedroom until everyone else had gone. Or going back to her apartment at an ungodly hour.

"Will you be home tonight?" Maura asked. Jane groaned, then covered it up with a cough.

"I'm here til close."

Jane sipped her beer, her eyes trained on Maura, her smile hidden by the lip of her bottle.

"Wond..." Maura began, cutting herself off quickly. "That's good to know."

With a crease of her brow, Angela picked up her tray and carried it back across the bar. Jane watched her for a moment as she turned her attention to an older police officer and his younger partner. She cracked a smile, playfully resting a hand against the younger man's shoulder. Jane rolled her eyes and turned back to Maura.

"I wish she wouldn't do that in public," Jane said, sipping her beer.

"I'm sure it's all just part of the job."

Jane cleared her throat and placed her beer down beside her. "Why are we lying to her?"

"I thought you didn't want her to know yet."

"I know, but lying to her is different than sneaking around."

"So, you'd rather be honest but not too honest?" Maura asked.

"Yeah."

"I don't know how we can do that." Maura ran her fingertip around the top of her glass.

"Nicely done with the thing about not seeing each other outside work," Jane said. "She bought that one hook, line and sinker. But you nearly spoiled it with your happiness that she wouldn't be home."

"I tried," Maura said.

"We should make this a quick one."

"Hopefully not too quick," Maura muttered. Jane froze, Maura's foot slipped out of her shoes and pushed her slacks up. She fluttered her eyelashes and chewed on her bottom lip. Jane leaned forward and stared into her eyes. "Do you know what last week was?"

Jane's eyebrows knitted together, search her brain. She sipped her drink in the hope it would help her think. She glanced around the bar, but there were no clues. She had absolutely no idea what last week was. There was every possibility that she'd forgotten completely, which unsettled her. "Your birthday?"

Maura pursed her lips and lifted her glass to her mouth. "My birthday was a few months ago."

"Oh yeah," Jane said, frowning. "Mother's Day?"

"Mother's Day is in May."

"The day of our scan?"

Maura rolled her eyes. "I think you'd know if you missed our scan. It's not for another few weeks."

"Gay Lover's Day?"

"Now you're just being facetious."

"Give me something, what am I missing?"

"We've been together for a month," Maura said, taking an envelope out of her purse and handing it to Jane. "Here."

"What's this?" Jane raised an eyebrow. "Did you buy me something? I didn't buy you anything. I didn't realise we were doing the one month thing."

"It's okay," Maura said, resting her hand against the back of Jane's hand. "You don't need to. This is something I wanted to do."

"Okay," Jane said, staring down at the envelope in her hand. She glanced up, practically bouncing. "Can I open it?"

"Go ahead," Maura said. "It took me a lot of work to track it down. You said it was the Washington Nationals mascot but the man I spoke to said it can't have been because they didn't exist. He said I wanted the Montreal Expos."

"Yeah, it's a long story but they're the same team." Jane opened the envelope and stared at the rectangular sticker inside, her chin dropped. "You found my missing sticker?"

"It wasn't easy."

"I can't believe you found this." Jane leaned forward. A wave of emotions flooded her, forcing her to swipe at her cheek to remove a tear. "You do know Ma probably binned my sticker books years ago."

"I know," Maura said, cupping her hand across the table.

"This is...I dunno what to say." She stood up and leaned over the table, wrapping her arms around Maura's shoulders. She pulled her in close, about to kiss her when she remembered the public arena. She diverted her lips to Maura's cheek. "Finish your drink, so I can kiss you properly. You're amazing."


	28. Chapter 28

**Author Note** **: Well this week has been a washout for writing. My poor car had to go and break, which has really caused too much drama with trying to sort it out. Thankfully I get her back on Monday (all being well) and I don't have work for just over a week! I've also finished a rewatch of a TV programme, so I don't have that to distract myself. I do, however, have The Sims, which I stupidly started playing. Fingers crossed I can get many more updates up now that I'm a bit more free. If there's a specific story you'd like me to update above any of the others, please let me know - my plan is to update Rookie next, but I don't mind doing a different one.**

 **Sometimes stories write themselves, in that something comes to me as the story is being written which changes things (occasionally it's something I had never planned to write), and apparently it happened here...**

* * *

"All I'm saying is that you've been lucky up to now," Maura said, standing beside the examination bed at the clinic. "It's entirely possible you will still go through a significant bout of morning sickness."

"If I do, then we can tell Ma, but until it happens, I'm not gonna worry about it," Jane said, sitting down in the bed and leaning against it. She clasped her hands across her stomach and closed her tired eyes. "I want to make sure everything's okay first."

Squeezing her shoulder, Maura rested her hand across Jane's, their fingers covering the space where the baby was. "I understand that. After what you went through the last time. I just think that Angela knowing means that she can support us if something was to happen."

Jane shook her head and yawned. "I want to wait. A couple more weeks won't hurt. She's already trying to set me up with women, so we can't leave it too long or I'll have to go on a date."

"You look tired."

"I am."

Brushing back her hair, Maura ran a hand across her face. "Angela's still looking for someone for you?

"I think she thinks I'm incapable of dating."

"You are," Maura said. Jane frowned. "I don't mean you can't, but you're not one to date. I would put you more in the category of passive serial monogamist."

"Meaning?"

"You jump from partner to partner."

Jane rolled her eyes. "What a way to make me sound like some two bit whore. What about the passive bit?"

"I don't mean in a sexual way." Maura dropped her hands to her sides. "You went out with Dean, who pursued you, then after Dean you let me force you to go out with the man from yoga and you hated it. Then it was Casey, who again sought you out, then Silver who did the same. Now me, I think I'm the first person I've known you to chase, and even that took you nearly a decade. You don't date, you have relationships."

"Isn't it weird that we're having a baby?" Jane asked, staring straight ahead, the sound of the Doctor approaching travelled through the door. It opened.

"Good morning," she said, her voice upbeat and peppy. Jane slouched a little in her seat. The doctor glanced at her file. "Jane Rizzoli. I see you're here for an early scan on account of the miscarriage you had a few years ago."

"Yeah." She sat upright and gripped Maura's hand. Maura stepped closer and returned her hand to her shoulder. "I told them I probably didn't need it because it wasn't one that happened for no reason. I'm a cop, it happened because I got injured."

"That may be so," she said, picking up a sheet of paper from the desk across the room and approaching the examination bed. "But it's better to get a full picture as early as we can. I'm Doctor Ko."

She perched on a stool, and with pen in hand, went through a list of questions. Maura listened to both questions and answers, piecing together the information they had. Once the questions had been completed, Doctor Ko placed the file to one side and stood up. She picked up a bottle of ultrasound transmission gel.

"It's great that your friend could come," Doctor Ko said. "Are you happy for her to stay while we do the scan?"

Jane narrowed her eyes and reached up to Maura's hand, she pulled it from her shoulder and clasped it against her stomach. "She's my girlfriend, Doctor Maura Isles. It's her baby too."

"I'm sorry," Doctor Ko said. "Please accept my apologies. With the LGBT clinic round the corner most of our patients don't fit into that category."

Jane gripped Maura's hand tighter. She ran her fingers across the back of Jane's hand. "It's fine. We chose here because it's the very best. You come highly recommended by several of my peers, I did a lot of research and everyone I spoke to said to make an appointment with you."

"Thank you, that's very nice of you to say." Doctor Ko pushed Jane's shirt further up away from her stomach. "Shall we get started?"

Jane nodded. The cool gel spread across her stomach. Maura held onto her hand, watching the soothing action of the Doctor spreading it over her skin. The monitor sprang to life.

"You won't get to see a lot today," she said, adjusting the device. "But we're gonna make sure you hear your baby's heartbeat. How does that sound?"

"That sounds good," Jane said, looking at Maura.

Maura squeezed her hand again, hoping to alleviate the panic stricken look in Jane's eyes. She edged closer, holding her hand against her chest. She lowered her head to Jane's ear. "You're doing great. It's going to be fine."

"We don't know that," Jane whispered, her hand shook a little. Maura squeezed it tighter.

A second later, Doctor Ko flicked a switch and a loud thumping emanated across the room. Jane's eyes lit up, catching Maura's gaze. She squeezed her hand back.

"That's your baby's heartbeat. It's strong, well within the realm of normal."

"What number?"

"One sixty one to one sixty six."

"What does that mean?" Jane asked, turning her head toward Maura. "That sounds fast."

"It's supposed to be," she said. "It's within the normal range. Anything between one twenty and one eighty is okay."

"You sure?" Jane stared back at the doctor.

She smiled. "Listen to your girlfriend, Maura is right. It's perfectly normal. From what I can see your baby is...oh."

"Oh?" Jane sat upright, the doctor's hand slipped away from Jane's stomach. She gripped tighter to Maura's hand.

Maura squeezed it back, resting her other hand down on Jane's thigh. Her heart leapt. "It's okay. Is it, Doctor Ko?"

Doctor Ko smiled, her lips curved wide across her face. "Just give me a moment to double check, but I can assure you, it's not a problem with the baby."

"Then what is it?" Jane asked. "You said oh. People don't say oh unless there's something wrong."

She pushed the device back across Jane's abdomen. The sound of the heartbeat filled the room again. She moved the device a little to one side and it changed slightly. She slid it back and it increased in speed. As she shifted it back and forth a couple of times, the heart rate fluctuated.

Maura lifted her hand to her mouth, dropping Jane's hand suddenly. Jane turned to her. "What's wrong? What is it?"

Grabbing her hand again, she tried to hide the smile forcing its way across her mouth. "How would you like two babies?"

"What?" Jane turned to the doctor, her eyes wide. She turned back to Maura, who grinned at her. Somewhere in the midst of exhaustion, she felt herself more awake. "Like twins?"

"Exactly like twins," Doctor Ko said. "There's two heartbeats. The second one is a little slower around the one forty-five mark. Two healthy babies."

x

"What can I get you?" Angela asked as Jane and Maura sat down at the bar. "Beer?"

"No, I'm pregnant," Jane said, the words tumbling out with ease. Despite her earlier reservations, she felt a sense of calm. She rested her elbows on the bar and supported her tired head. Her cheeks ached from the suppression of the biggest smile.

"What did you say?" Angela asked, her mouth dropped open. She turned her attention briefly to Maura, who only stared at Jane, then back to Jane again.

"I wasn't gonna tell you for a few more weeks but we went for a scan this morning."

"We?" Angela narrowed her eyes and turned to Maura.

Reaching for Maura's hand, Jane stared into her eyes, trying to share a conversation. She held their hands up on top of the bar. "We're together, Ma."

"Of course you are," Angela said, rolling her eyes. "You think I was born yesterday?"

Maura frowned. "You knew?"

"I suspected, you just confirmed it," she said. "I don't buy Jane not turning up to your house in the mornings for weeks, not when you do it all the time. A couple times I saw you leave after Maura."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I figured you'd tell me in your own time." Angela sighed. "The only thing I don't understand is when you two had time to get pregnant when you've not been together for long."

"It's a long story, Ma," Jane said. "I'll have a coke, Maura'll have some wine."

She filled a glass with coke and placed it in front of Jane before opening a bottle of wine. Jane watched her, trying to read her reaction. The shock was understandable, but the reaction was not quite what she had envisaged after years of her mother expecting grandchildren.

Accepting her glass of wine, Maura handed Angela a twenty-dollar bill. "We both wanted a family, neither of us was in a position to have one with someone else. So we decided to have a child together."

"As friends?" Angela asked, her eyebrows knitted together.

"Yeah," Jane said.

"Now you're not just friends."

"No," Maura said, sipping her wine.

Angela shrugged and filled another glass with wine. "That's a weird way round to do that."

"We know," Jane said, squeezing Maura's hand. "We've got more news."

"More? What more is there?" Angela gripped the edge of the bar, her face lit up, then fell. "Are you getting married? Oh God, please tell me you're not moving."

Maura reached across the bar and covered Angela's hand. "We're not moving anywhere, Angela. We're not getting married, either. We're expecting twins."

"Twins?"

"Two babies," Jane said.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Angela asked, resting a hand over her heart. "Why didn't you say that in the beginning?"

Jane shrugged. "We weren't gonna tell you anything until our next scan."

"Two grandchildren," Angela said, putting the empty wine bottle in the recycling and carrying the glass around to the other side of the bar. Jane stumbled back a step as Angela wrapped her arms around her and kissed her cheek. "Congratulations. You've made my year."

"I knew you'd be happy," Maura said, staring at Jane.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. You were right."

"Thank you, both," Angela said, pulling Maura in with the other arm. She held them both together for a moment, then raised her glass between them. "To my baby girl and my surrogate daughter. May you always be as happy as you are right now."

"Ma," Jane said, wiping fresh tears from her cheek. "Stop it."

"Hormones?"

"No." Jane rolled her eyes. "I cry every time you speak."

"How did you get pregnant?" she asked, cupping Jane's cheek and brushing away a few tears. "It's not like Maura has male genitals hiding out inside her panties."

"Ma!"

"It's a valid question for a mother to ask."

"No, it's not."

"We used a sperm donor," Maura said.

"Did you do IVF?"

"I think it's none of your business," Jane said, glaring.

"I'm your mother, I'm trying to understand how my grandchildren will come into the world."

"About the same way as kids usually do, Ma," Jane said. "Though I'm kinda hoping for a c-section since there's two of them."

"You do realise you'll be laid up for a couple of months if you get a c-section," Maura said.

"That long?"

"It is surgery."

"It's not like I'm getting my appendix out!"

"It can be worse, too, because unlike other routine procedures, you have a child to look after post c-section. In our situation, we will have two."

"So, no c-section?"

"I didn't say that," Maura said. "I would suggest we only consider it if it's medically necessary."

"I can't believe you're having twins," Angela said, excitement obvious in her voice. "Two babies."

"Neither can I," Jane said. The more she thought about it, the more frightening it was. She wasn't even sure she could take care of herself most of the time, two babies was something else entirely. "I guess the twin thing came from the donor."

"It's highly unlikely," Maura said. "Your family history is more significant than that of the donor when it comes to multiple births."

"But we don't have any twins in the family."

"Sure we do," Angela said.

"We do?"

"Yeah. My cousin had twins; Maureen and Molly."

"Which cousin?"

"Alice."

"I don't remember Alice."

"She was my mom's aunt's daughter."

"Nonna's cousin then."

"She is your second cousin, Angela," Maura said. "Making her Jane's third cousin."

Jane narrowed her eyes. "That is not the point. I've never met these people."

"Sure you did. They live in Canada, they came over for Frankie's baptism."

"So, not really, then." Jane finished her glass of cola and stared longingly at Maura's glass of wine. "The only thing we share is some genetic thing that's made me carry twins."

"Yes, and no," Maura said. "It's also more likely for a woman who eats meat and has a higher fat diet to have a multiple birth, as well as women who have babies later in life."

"Not genetics then?"

"Your third cousin's twins may have had some influence, but there's a lot more to it."

Jane sighed. "This is why these babies needed you to be their mother, the Rizzoli family leave a lot to be desired in the intelligence stakes."

"That is not true," Maura said, slipping an arm around Jane's waist and pulling her in close. "You have a very different kind of intelligence that I could only dream of."

"I should get back to work," Angela said, picking up a glass as she returned to her place behind the bar.

"I should too," Jane said, stifling a yawn. "Would help if I didn't want to go to bed already. Why does pregnancy make you so tired?"

Maura ran her fingers through the side of Jane's hair, brushing it back from her face. "You're growing a human inside of you, of course you're going to be tired."

"This is all your fault," Jane said, rolling her eyes.

Maura laughed. "It's not my fault you wanted to do this."

"It's your fault for putting the idea into my head."

"You're doing this because we both want to be parents," Maura said, giving her hand a tight squeeze. "I couldn't be happier with, or prouder of, you than I am right now."

"Are you trying to butter me up?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Bite me."

"You know how thankful I am."

"Thankful doesn't give me energy."

"I know." Maura swallowed the last bit of wine and placed her glass back on the bar. "I promise to give you a massage tonight."

"A naked one?"

"I would expect you to be naked, or at least partially."

"No, I mean you."

Maura raised an eyebrow. "I can be naked if you'd like me to be."

"I forgive you," she said. "Now take me back to work before I collapse in a heap."

x

Cailin sat in the office when Maura arrived back at Boston Police Department. She laid her jacket down on the arm of the couch and sat opposite her.

"How has your day been so far?"

"Boring," Cailin said. "Kent won't let me do anything without your supervision, so I've been sat here reading about how to write autopsy reports."

"That sounds like a worthwhile use of your time," Maura said, placing her purse down on the floor. "If a little tedious. I find the best way to learn something of that nature is by doing."

Waving a hand across the room, Cailin refocused her attention on the laptop. "A package came for you a couple hours ago."

Maura turned and walked across the room, she opened the box carefully and lifted out one of the carefully packages glasses. She watched Cailin from across the room, her eyes rolled back, her shoulders slouched. She took a couple of steps toward her and placed the glass down on the desk.

"I wasn't going to give this to you today but I think it will make up for the hours I've not been here to teach you." She lifted her head and glanced down at the glass. "It's for you."

She read the words carefully engraved into the side of the crystal glass, then squealed. Maura jumped as Cailin ran around the desk and scooped her into her arms.

"You're pregnant?"

"No."

"I'm confused. It says I'm gonna be an aunt." She stepped back, and frowned. "Wait, is Jane?"

"Yes, she is."

"This is the best news," Cailin said, squeezing her tightly in her arms. "Oh my gosh, why didn't you tell me sooner? I can't believe you kept this from me. How long have you known?"

"We went for a scan this morning, we're eight weeks in."

"This is the cutest," Cailin said, letting go of her and picking up the glass. She turned it over in her hands. "What a great idea."

"I need you to promise you won't tell Frankie," Maura said. "There's a whisky glass for him, and one for Jane's other brother Tommy. We also have one for Korsak, and similar gifts for other family and friends. I'd rather they find out when we're ready to tell them."

"My lips are sealed." Cailin stared down at the glass again, her lips curved at the edges. She looked up at Maura. "Does anyone else know?"

"Angela. We told her after the scan. Nobody else." Maura walked around her desk and pulled up a file on the computer. "How would you like to help out with an autopsy?"

She stared at her, her hands outstretched at her sides. "Seriously? You're not gonna give me any more time to take this in? I'm gonna have a niece or nephew soon. You've had eight weeks to get used to this, give me an hour."

"I really need to get back to work," Maura said.

"Then I guess I'll carry on reading about autopsy reports," Cailin said, rolling her eyes.

"One other thing," Maura said. "It's nieces or nephews."

"That's what I said?"

"No, I mean, plural. We're having twins."

Cailin's mouth dropped. She stepped forward and gripped Maura's wrists. "Seriously?"

"I see no reason to joke about the number of children Jane and I are expecting," Maura said, smiling. "It'll either be two nieces, two nephews, or one of each. I don't mind as long as they're both happy and healthy."

"How are you so calm about this?" Cailin asked, her face lit up.

"I have a lot of work to do that I was unable to do this morning," Maura said. She sighed. "And if I think about it too much I doubt my ability to handle more than one baby, so I'd much rather focus on finding out how Mr Bertram died."

Tilting her head, Cailin clung to Maura's hands. "You're gonna be an amazing mother. You both are. Let's go and open up Mr Bertram."

"Are you sure?"

"I'd rather help keep you sane than read about autopsy report writing. Besides, the sooner you're done the sooner we can go home and celebrate!"


	29. Chapter 29

**Author Notes** **: I am so out of the motivated loop and it's frustrating me. Today my beautiful baby nephew came to visit and he's so sad, because he's got really bad reflux so he cries all the time and doesn't settle. It made me feel really sad. Watching a 7 week old baby cry, all the time, and look so in pain. I didn't have much time for writing, but I managed to finish this one - which I'd written most of yesterday.**

* * *

The house was filled with their favourite people, the three course meal and bottles of wine and alcohol were very quickly consumed. Maura caught Jane's eye from across the table, further away than either of them had anticipated but their group had grown with the arrival of Cailin, and Tommy, who'd come back to Boston for a visit. She lifted her glass and Jane followed before Maura clanged a spoon against hers and the whole table glanced in her direction.

"Who would like some more wine?" Maura asked, noticing a few empty glasses. The table erupted with laughter, like she'd made some sort of joke.

"I'll have some wine," Jane said, her eyes fixed on Maura. She could feel her understanding at the confusion, and felt grateful for her existence.

Maura pursed her lips, careful not to let them curl into a smile. "Maybe we won't have wine."

"No fair," Jane said, pouting.

She stood up and walked across to the wine fridge. She pulled a bottle out of the bottom and carried it back to the table, holding it up for everyone to see.

"Let's have champagne, instead."

"What's the occasion?" Korsak asked.

"Well," Maura said, handing the bottle the Frankie. "Can you open this?"

"Sure," he said.

"I'll do it," Tommy said, snatching the bottle out of his brother's hands. "Last time you opened champagne you gave Pop a bloody nose."

"That was an accident, and it was not the last time."

"Shut it," Jane said, glaring at them. "Maura's trying to say something."

"Thank you, Jane," she said, smiling from her girlfriend to their family and friends. "As you all know Jane and I have been together for several weeks."

"You're not engaged, are you?" Nina asked, her face lit up.

Angela nearly leapt from her seat. "Are you?"

"We've been together for five minutes," Jane said, rolling her eyes.

"That didn't stop you," Angela said, her voice growing quieter as she drifted off. She spotted Jane's dagger eyes and ran her pinched thumb and finger across the front of her mouth and sat firmly down.

"As I was saying," Maura said. "Jane and I have been in a relationship for nearly three months. But I'm sure you know that our friendship started long before then."

"Duh!" Tommy said.

"Frankie," Jane said. "Hit him for me."

He smacked Tommy across the arm provoking an almighty cry and Tommy hit him back. "That hurt."

"Ow!" Frankie cried, rubbing his arm.

"That can't have hurt," Tommy said. "I barely touched you."

" _I_ barely touched _you_."

"Don't make me come over there and smack you both across the head," Jane said, glaring.

"If you make another sound," Angela said. "I'll spank you both myself."

"Go on, Maura," Cailin said, stroking her hand across her wrist.

"What you don't know is that a few months ago Jane and I discussed our futures, and how much we'd both like to have a family of our own."

"Did you get Maura pregnant?" Frankie asked, glancing down the table at Jane.

Angela stood up and marched around the table, grabbing hold of Frankie's eat. He half stood. "Ow, ow, ow."

Tommy's laugh filled the silence and Angela grabbed his ear too. "Ow! Ma!"

"Quit it before you ruin the whole party."

"Like we don't already know Jane's pregnant," Tommy said, rolling his eyes. He stopped talking and clasped both hands across his mouth.

Angela smacked him across the head. "You numbskull."

Maura sat back down, her shoulders sunk. She stared across the table at Jane and felt the excitement she felt moments before disappear into the silence.

"Jane's what?" Nina asked, gripping Jane's arm beside her and squealing.

At the same time, Kent stared at her, open mouthed. "You _are_ pregnant?"

She nodded her head to Maura, and Maura's face lit up again. "She is."

"Congratulations," Korsak said, his voice a level of excitement Maura hadn't heard before. Angela walked around the table and sat back down beside Jane.

"You knew too, didn't you?" Maura asked.

Nina frowned. "Am I the only one who didn't know?"

"Pretty much," Frankie said, popping the cork on the bottle of champagne. Maura jumped at the unexpected uncorking, then slouched back into her seat, a little dejected.

"I didn't know either," Kent said. "Not really…I guessed."

"I'm really pleased for you both," Tommy said.

"Me too," said Frankie.

"If you'll excuse me," Maura said, standing up and placing her napkin on the table. She walked into the kitchen and started clearing up the dinner plates, anything to distract her from the disappointed revelation.

"Thanks, Ma," Jane said, her voice boomed across the silence table.

"I'm sorry, I was excited."

"You couldn't have left it for us to tell everyone, could you?"

"I said I was sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it this time, Ma." Jane stood up and picked up the remaining plates from the table. "I'll go get the gifts we got you all."

"There's gifts?" Frankie asked, sitting up right. "Is it whiskey, cause I'm running low."

Jane rolled her eyes and retrieved the box from the side. "No, it's not whiskey. Maura, do you wanna help?"

She turned and watched her open the box. Jane lifted out each glass that they'd carefully selected and had engraved with personalised messages. Placing each glass onto the table, Jane glanced again at Maura.

"Come on, Maur," she said, moving closer. She wrapped an arm around Maura's back and pulled her in close. She could feel her breath against her cheek. "I know you're upset. Please, do this for me."

Nodding her head, she reached for one of the glasses. "Korsak, this one is for you."

Once the glasses had been handed out, Maura returned to the table. She watched the conversation continue to flow, the disappointment near enough forgotten by everyone else. She sighed, the noise disguised by the conversation.

"Well, I didn't know," Nina said, smiling. "I'm so happy for you both. These glasses are lovely, a really nice gesture. When are you due, Jane?"

She grinned. "Babies should be here in about twenty-five weeks."

"Wait," Frankie said, his eyebrows tugged together. He scratched his head. "Did I drink too much? Did you say babies?"

"Cut the act, Frankie," Jane said.

Angela shrugged. "I didn't tell them."

"We're having twins," Maura said, her voice level and toneless. It almost felt like an afterthought, and she hated it. She wanted to feel the same level of excitement that she'd felt earlier in the evening, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't muster it up.

"What?" Tommy and Korsak said at the same time.

"Two babies," Jane said.

"I'm sorry," Maura said, standing up. "I don't want to leave a full table, but I have a headache."

She left the uncomfortable silence behind and trailed up the staircase. Tears pricked at the edges of her eyes on the way to her bedroom. By the time she reached the bed, her face was stained with tears. She lay down and wrapped her arms around the pillow, pushing her face into the material as her shoulders shook.

x

"Knock, knock," Jane said, tapping on the door at the same time she entered the room. She found Maura curled up on the bed and joined her. "It's okay."

"No," Maura said. "It's not."

Jane sighed and scooped her into her arms, pulling her close. She lay back with Maura's head on her shoulder. "I know it's not. I think Ma knows how angry we are at her."

"I should have known," Maura said. "It's not like she has been very good at keeping secrets."

"This was different."

"It was."

"They've all gone home now." Jane kissed the top of her head. "Tommy was about to open another bottle of wine but I asked them to go."

"Where's Cailin?"

"She's clearing up."

"She doesn't need to do that," Maura said. "I'll do it tomorrow."

"No, you won't."

"Cailin can't do it all."

"You watch her," Jane said. "I told her you wouldn't want her doing it but she insisted. She's a good kid."

"Yeah, she is."

"Kent wanted me to tell you that he's sorry he guessed."

Maura pressed her lips together but a laugh still forced its way out. "He's allowed to guess. That's not the same."

"I told him that. I said thank you, though, because I think he still felt guilty for knowing."

"When big things happened to me," Maura said, stroking her hand up and down Jane's arm. "I didn't bother telling my parents because they were usually too busy. When I passed the exam to get into the boarding school I'd selected, I put the letter in the middle of the newspaper because I thought they might see it."

"Did they?"

"Yes." Maura sighed. "I watched my father read it, then skip ahead to the next article. He didn't say anything."

"Oh, Maura," Jane said, running a hand across her cheek. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"We shouldn't have told Ma; we should have waited."

"I'm the one who suggested we tell her sooner, it's my fault."

Jane scoffed. "No. You are never to blame for something my mother has done."

"I just really wanted to be the one to tell everyone, to see their reaction." Maura scooted down and wrapped an arm around Jane's waist. "I wanted to see their faces, to hear their voices."

"Did you hear Nina?" Jane asked. "She made enough noise for the whole table. It's a good job you weren't sat next to her, I think I have nail marks in her arm."

Maura smiled. "That was the only thing that made it a little easier to continue sitting at the table tonight."

"Let's not tell anyone if we find out what we're having."

"I'd rather we didn't, anyway," Maura said. "That way they won't think it acceptable to buy us pink or blue items."

"What's wrong with pink or blue?"

"Nothing is wrong with pink or blue, except their assignment to gender."

Jane leaned down and pressed her lips to Maura's nose. "This is what I love about you, you know things and you think about the world in a way I'd never even consider."

"I've done a lot of reading."

"I figured," Jane said, reaching across and tugging at the top drawer of the bedside cabinet. Several sheets of paper sprang out, reforming their full shape. "A lot of bedtime reading."

"I sometimes wake up in the night and would rather not use my tablet."

"I'm not judging." She picked up one of the documents. "Paced bottle feeding, for when your baby struggles to latch on. I bet this one's riveting."

"It is, actually," Maura said, taking it out of Jane's hand. "There's a whole section on the benefits of using this approach."

"What else have we got in here?"

She lifted several sheets out, reading the article headings. Once the pile had formed on the bed, Jane kissed her head again. Maura shifted about in her arms and straddled her.

"Before, when you said, this is what I love about you…did you mean to say it was something you love about me?"

Jane shrugged. "Why wouldn't I mean to?"

"Is that your way of saying you love me?"

"It's my way of saying what I love about you," Jane said, staring into Maura's eyes. The crease between her brows deepened and Jane could sense the mood drop again. "But I do love you."

"Good," Maura said, her face lit up once more. She leaned down and kissed her, tugging at her bottom lip with each movement of her mouth. Pulling back again, Jane licked her lip. "I love you too."

x

"Well, that wasn't a good idea," Jane said, placing the breakfast tray onto the end of the bed and lowering herself onto the floor beside it.

Climbing out of bed, Maura rushed around it and knelt down beside her. "Jane? Are you okay?"

"Mostly." She grasped at the carpet and tried to get to her feet, then went straight back down on all fours. "Nope."

"You don't have a fever," Maura said, resting her palm across Jane's forehead. "What's wrong? What does it feel like?"

"Dizzy." Jane sat up, leaning back against the bed. "Just dizzy."

She slid her hand across Jane's abdomen. Leaning close, she circled her hand across Jane's pyjama shirt. "Hey babies, I think Mommy would like you to help her out here."

"I just walked up the stairs too quickly," Jane said, covering Maura's hand as she continued to moved it across her stomach. "Or something…and it's Ma, I want to be Ma."

Cupping her cheek, Maura kissed her briefly, pulling away again. "You can be anything you want to be. It's common in the second trimester to feel dizzy spells."

"I missed the worst of the morning sickness, this is my punishment."

"Take a moment, breath slowly."

"How can I breathe slowly when my head is spinning?"

"Try to breathe evenly."

Maura's hand moved out as Jane breathed in, then in as she breathed out, moving with every breath she took until eventually her breathing slowed right down. She trailed her hand further around Jane's side and leaned against her.

"How are you feeling now?"

"A little better."

"You ready to try and stand up?" Maura asked. Jane nodded. Maura rested her other hand on Jane's waist and together they stood upright again. Not letting go, she guided Jane back onto the bed, only settling once Jane was sat back down. "Next time you get up, do it slowly. Do you need some water?"

"I'll be fine."

Maura narrowed her eyes. She picked up the tray and carried it around to her side of the bed. She sat down and rested it over her lap. "At least have some orange juice."

Jane sipped the juice then placed her glass on the cabinet. She leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes. "I feel sick."

"Nausea can carry on right through pregnancy; it doesn't just go away when you hit twelve weeks."

"Even though I didn't really have it in the first place?"

"Even then," Maura said. She put the tray on the floor beside the bed and picked up a slice of toast. "Try eating this."

"That's for you," Jane said, her eyebrows pulled together. "I made it for you."

Maura stared at her, shaking her head. "What's mine is yours…it's my fault you're feeling this way."

"Thanks," Jane said, wrapping her hand around the toast and biting off a small piece. "Is there a part of pregnancy that doesn't suck?"

"I thought you liked having cravings," Maura said.

"That was until I wanted mushrooms with corn flakes."

"When did you want that?"

"Yesterday."

"Did you eat it?" Maura raised an eyebrow. "How did it taste?"

"Pretty good," Jane said, shrugging. "But it's gross."

Smiling, Maura interlinked her fingers with Jane's and ran their hands back over the barely formed bump. She pushed the fabric of Jane's shirt aside until they were skin to skin.

"This," Maura said. "This doesn't suck. When the babies are kicking you like soccer players, when we can feel our children, that won't suck."

"I hope so," Jane said, wrapping her arms around Maura's back and tugging her closer. She captured Maura's mouth and scooted down, pulling Maura on top of her. "I feel better when I'm lay down."

"Really?" Maura asked, her eyebrows creased. "I would have thought that wouldn't help."

"No, Maur," Jane said, rolling her eyes. "I just feel better because you're here."

She leaned back in and kissed her, trailing her hands down across her shoulders. Jane deepened the kiss, her fingers danced across her back. Maura leaned down, her body pressed against Jane's, her stomach against the barely formed bump of their babies.

"Ow." Jane pushed against her shoulders, until Maura sat back.

Maura rolled onto her back beside her. "What's wrong?"

"My nipples hurt. This is worse than getting my period. I was okay yesterday, today I feel like everything's broken. Remind me never to get pregnant again."

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"It should have been me."

Shrugging, Jane rolled onto her side to face her. "I don't mind, really."

"Do you want some eggs for breakfast?"

"But I made toast."

"It's gone cold, and you've made a mess of the piece you left on the bedside cabinet a few moments ago."

"Sorry."

"You made it for me, you have nothing to apologise for."

"I can apologise for my mother, again."

"Don't."

"Why not?"

Maura sat up and cleared her throat. "It's going to take some time for me to feel okay about what happened. But it is not your fault. You are not responsible for Angela's actions."

"She's my mother, I feel responsible." Reaching out, Maura leaned back over and absently moved her fingers across Jane's arm. "I never did ask you how it went with your parents. I could have come with you."

"I needed to tell them alone," Maura said. "So much has changed since I was a child. Constance isn't as distant, my father…he's still difficult, but they're over the moon. They were a little less over the moon to discover I'm in a relationship with a woman, but they've never been particularly homophobic. It was quite big news, given that I'm forty and they've never known about my inclination towards women."

"Maura?"

"Yes?"

"I don't…I don't want to hurt you."

The skin of her arms pricked up, a chill travelled across the back of Maura's neck. "What do you mean?"

"How do you feel about the babies…about Hope."

Maura sighed and interlinked her fingers once more with Jane's. "I feel really sad that they will never get to meet. However, I'm grateful that Hope not being here means that our children will be able to know their Aunt Cailin."

"She's good for you, Maur."

"She is?"

"The way you come alive when the two of you are talking about science, and the way she hugs you in the morning even though you're gonna spend the day together. She loves being here, being with you, and I love seeing how much that changes you."

"How does it change me?"

"I know there's other things to be happy about, but I think she makes you happier."

Cupping Jane's cheek, Maura leaned closer, their noses almost touching. "She makes me happier, having her here makes me happy. I think the happiness doesn't just come from Cailin, though."

"No?"

"It comes from you, too; you and our family." Maura returned her hand to Jane's stomach, and pressed her lips to Jane's. "A few months ago I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Now look at it? I have my sister, I have you, and I have our children. Things changed when I least expected it to, when I'd already started to give up hope. I lost someone very important to me, but I've gained so much more."

"Maura?"

"Yes?"

"I'm gonna be sick," she said, climbing out of the bed so fast that she lowered herself back down again. Before either of them could react, Jane's stomach contents spilled out across the carpet. Maura knelt up on the bed, resting her hand against Jane's back as she continued to vomit. "Oh God. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Maura said, rubbing her back. "If you're sick you're sick."

"But the carpet."

"We can get it cleaned." Maura sat down beside her, her legs down the side of the bed and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Get back into bed and I'll get you some food."

"I don't want food," Jane said, placing her head down on the pillow.

"You need to eat something," Maura said. "Or it'll hurt more when you throw up again."

"I don't wanna throw up again."

"I know, but you don't get to make that decision."

"Will you come back when you've made the food?"

"Of course."

"Will you bring a banana and some popcorn?"

"Together?"

"Yeah. Mashed together."

"Okay," Maura said, brushing her hair back from her face. "That sounds disgusting, but okay."


	30. Chapter 30

**Author Note** **: Thank you so much to everyone who has been patiently waiting the next chapter - finally it's here. I seemed to hit a little block, and it didn't help that I've been so caught up in my other stories. It seems Jane and Maura are doing their own thing, once again. Hopefully you enjoy. Now I really must sleep as it's 1.30am and I'm tired. Goodnight.**

* * *

"There's wheat germ blueberry pancakes," Angela said, dropping one onto a plate and pouring some more of the mixture into the pan.

Maura poured herself a mug of coffee and sat down at the counter. She pursed her lips together. "No, thank you."

Sighing, Angela pushed the plate toward her and grabbed a bottle of maple syrup. "Please. Take it. It'll only go to waste otherwise."

"Okay." Maura picked up the maple syrup and poured a little across the pancake. Angela handed her a fork and she cut it up, eating each piece until the plate was empty. Holding up the pan, Maura nodded her head and Angela tipped another one onto the plate. "Thank you."

"I've not seen Janie this morning," Angela said, leaning on the counter opposite her. "Did she stay over?"

Maura swallowed a mouthful of pancake. "No."

"You two didn't have a fight or anything, did you?"

"No."

"Would like some more?"

She shook her head.

"Can you say something more than no, please," Angela said, pressing her lips together. Her eyes glossed over. Maura lowered her eyes and focused on the pancake on her plate. "Please, Maura. It's been two weeks. I can't have you be mad at me for much longer. It's too hard."

Opening her eyes, Maura dropped her fork on the plate. She pushed it forward and stared into Angela's eyes. "Stop. This isn't the way to fix this. You need to leave me alone."

"But I'm sorry." Angela reached out to her hand.

Maura pulled it away and stood up. "I don't want to discuss this with you now, Angela. Jane and I have chosen to have some time away from you, please respect that."

"What can I do? Tell me what I can do."

"I have to go to work."

She turned around and headed for the door, picking up her purse on the way. She heard the clatter of fork against plate, and plate against sink, as she closed the door behind her. A small part of her felt guilty. Angela had been for days. She could see how much effort she was putting in. The food, the attempt at conversation. Usually Jane had been there, a buffer between them, but she'd gone into the office early. Still, Maura wasn't ready and there was little she could do to change that.

x

A hand slipped around her waist. Maura twisted around. Lips landed on hers, pushing her against the metal examination table. Jane's tongue trailed across her bottom lip, fighting for access to her mouth. She wrapped a hand around Jane's neck and held her steady. Jane leaned forward, then sprang back.

"Ugh!"

Maura narrowed her eyes. Jane held a hand out in front of her, staring down at the red and white blotches that covered her fingers. She pressed her lips together to disguise a smirk.

"That's your punishment for disturbing me while I work," she said, smiling. "I need to finish this autopsy."

"What exactly do I have on my hand?"

Maura leaned forward and analysed the fluids. "I would say a mixture between blood and body fat."

"Ew, ew, ew." She walked across the room and ran the tap, soaking her hand. "Who needs to do an autopsy?"

Maura rolled her eyes and picked up a couple of paper towels. "This is your case I'm working on."

"So?" She dried off her fingers then held Maura's hips, tugging her closer. "I'd rather show you how much you mean to me."

"Here?" Maura raised an eyebrow. "With a body open on the table?"

Scrunching up her nose, Jane stepped away. "You're right. That's gross. What do you have for me?"

"More blood and body fat," she said, holding up her stained gloves. "I'm sorry, there's some on your neck."

"Ew, Maura!"

"I'm sorry," she said, peeling off her gloves. "You took me by surprise. Mr Henderson died due to a blow to L1 and 2."

"What does that mean?"

"His spinal cord was severed when two of his discs were dislocated. Further blows made the bones push against the spinal cord. I would estimate his time of death to be somewhere between four to six hours ago."

"Thank you," Jane said, kissing her cheek and rushing for the door.

"That's all?"

Jane stopped by the door. "What do you mean that's all?"

"You come in here, you kiss me, you get bodily fluids on your hand. You find out what I know, and you leave."

"Is that not what always happens?"

"Usually," Maura said, walking toward her. She slid her hands around Jane's back and pulled her closer. "I thought we could spend a few minutes discussing something other than work."

"I thought you had an autopsy to get back to."

Maura trailed her palm across the swell of Jane's abdomen. "That was before we got pregnant."

"Err," Jane frowned. "You didn't want me anywhere near you last week."

"I didn't want you anywhere near me because the body was found in a toxic waste plant. I had to make sure the toxicity level was low enough that it wouldn't harm you or our babies."

Jane rolled her eyes. "But it's okay for me to chase criminals around South Boston."

"When did you do that?" Maura asked, her mouth dropped open.

"I haven't," Jane said. "But I could."

"Please be careful." She pressed both hands against Jane's stomach and leaned in for another kiss. "Don't do anything that might purposefully put you or the children in harm's way."

"'Course not," Jane said, kissing the end of her nose. "I really should be going. Korsak's waiting for me."

"I love you."

"Love you too," Jane said, pushing open the door.

x

Korsak slurped on a cup of coke. The longer he sucked up the final droplets of coke, the more Jane glared at him. He shrugged and placed the cup in the trash bag he'd put in before they left. She chewed on a sandwich she'd picked up and regretted it instantly. She dropped it into the bag.

"What you doing?"

"I don't want it."

"So?"

"So?" Jane frowned. "Did you want it?"

"Maybe." She reached into the bag and pulled it back out, handing it to Korsak. "I don't want it now."

"Make your mind up, Korsak."

"All I'm saying is it would have been nice if you'd just asked first."

"Yeah, yeah," she said, dropping it back into the bag and refocusing her attention on the building across the street. "How much longer you think we gonna be?"

"He's been leaving here every day around now, should be any minute."

"What do you reckon we get the one day he doesn't leave at all?" Jane asked, rolling her eyes.

A moment later, the door to the office building opened and a tall man with a goatee and shoulder length curls exited the building. He walked down the street, completely oblivious to their presence. Korsak opened his door. Jane followed.

"You should stay here," he said.

Jane shook her head. "No chance."

"You're not just you anymore."

"I know full well," Jane said. "I'm coming."

They walked along the side road and onto the main street. Jane lifted her gun from her holster and reached for her badge. Her wrist brushed her bump. She breathed in deeply. She'd been a cop for a lot longer than she'd been pregnant. She'd also been pregnant before. She was perfectly capable of doing her job. Even if the last pregnancy had ended suddenly, thanks to her job.

"Kieran Thomas," Korsak said. The man turned, his eyes landed on Jane's gun. "Boston Homicide."

He turned back around and fled, running at speed down the street. Jane holstered her gun and set off after him, her pregnancy barely slowing her down. She felt her heart race inside her chest. Korsak's footsteps pounded the ground behind her. Kieran Thomas turned a corner and she followed him. The alleyway ended abruptly, a fence split it off from any escape.

"No!" Kieran Thomas shouted.

"Jane, be careful," Korsak shouted after her.

Jane reached out a hand to grasp Kieran Thomas's shirt. She pushed him back, forcing him against the fence where he stumbled backwards. He gritted his teeth and barged forward again, his shoulder collided with Jane's. She didn't realise what had happened until she felt herself land on the floor. Pain seared through her shoulder blade.

"Jane!"

Korsak's voice drifted across the alleyway. She sighed, winded by the fall. She rolled onto her side to get up. The world span too quickly. She rested her hand on the floor and breathed slowly. Looking up, she watched Korsak cuff the man.

"Good job," she said, lying down on the floor. "I'm just gonna stay here until you're done."

x

"Is she okay?"

"I'm fine," Jane said, opening her eyes at the sound of Maura's voice. The hospital room was painted a standard cream. She groaned, her shoulder ached. She tried to sit up straighter but the nurse beside her held her steady with her good shoulder. "I'll be fine when they let me go."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Maura asked, her eyes filled with tears. "When Korsak called I thought you were seriously hurt."

"My shoulder hurts like a pervert with his dick in a peep hole and a dog on the other side," she said, laughing. Maura's frown made her smile quickly fade. "Well, it's true."

"You've dislocated your shoulder."

"Oh."

"You're lucky you're not more seriously hurt," Maura said, cupping her cheek. "I was so worried. Korsak said you lost consciousness."

"I, I don't remember."

"You need to look after yourself, and the babies."

Pushing herself up a little with her fist, Jane stared at Maura. The consequence of her actions finally hitting home. "Are the babies okay?"

"They checked for the heartbeats and they're strong. They're going to do a full scan soon."

"I'm sorry," Jane said. "But he was getting away. The idiot thought he could climb over a fence, and instead sent me flying. Could have happened to any of us."

"But it didn't," Maura said, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. The nurse who had been fussing around her disappeared. Jane gripped Maura's hand tightly. "It happened to you. It happened to you while you're three and a half months pregnant."

"I'm okay."

"Tell that to the doctor who is trying it find the best course of action for the dislocation in your shoulder."

"Just pop it back in there and I'll be fine," Jane said, shrugging. She winced.

"Some dislocations are worse than others. It's possible that you may need surgery."

"No!" Jane shook her head. "It was just a bump. I'll be fine."

"You're too stubborn for your own good."

The pain in her shoulder increased. Jane closed her eyes and leaned her head back against her pillow. Maura tightened her grip around her hand. Jane felt tears gather on the edges of her eyelids.

"It hurts, Maura."

"It will do," she said, running a hand across her shoulder. "I'll speak to the doctor about upping your pain medication. But we need to be careful because of the pregnancy."

"I promise I won't try to pull a perp down from a fence again," Jane said, squeezing Maura's fingers. "I'll never do it again if you can get me something stronger."

"Maybe you shouldn't be doing it at all," Maura said. "Not in your condition."

"What condition?" Jane narrowed her eyes. "I'm pregnant, Maura. I'm not an invalid. I can still do my job."

"Not with a dislocated shoulder, you can't." Maura leaned in and brushed her lips against Jane's cheek. "At least this means you'll have to rest up for a few weeks."

"I can still work," Jane said, leaning forward. She winced again. "Just as soon as they pop it back in and give me some pain relief."

Cupping her cheeks, Maura kissed her again. "You need to stop wanting to be fixed straight away. It doesn't work like that. The doctor is checking over your scans. They'll be able to assess the best course of action. Then we can discuss whether you'll be able to work."

"Whether I'm able to?" Jane rolled her eyes. "I don't think you understand, Maura. I'm going back to work just as soon as this is fixed."

"I don't want you to."

"Why not?"

"You're carrying our children," Maura said. "Perhaps you should ask to be reassigned to desk duty for the remainder of the pregnancy."

"Are you serious?"

"Why wouldn't I be serious?"

"I'm not a desk cop." She gritted her teeth. "I am homicide detective. I don't sit on my butt waiting for things to do."

"For the next few weeks you won't be doing anything," Maura said. "You will rest, you will listen to the doctor, and you will do as I say."

x

Two hearts beat simultaneously, filling the room with a sound so joyous that Jane's heart skipped a beat. Her shoulder still ached, the latest batch of pain relief barely catching the severity of the damage. But even the pain was shrouded by the sound of their children. Jane smiled at Maura and she squeezed her fingers tightly.

"That's our kids," Jane said.

Maura kissed the top of her head. "It is. How are they doing, Doctor?"

"A-ok," Doctor Ramirez said, removing the device and wiping the gel from Jane's abdomen. "Two health babies who seem to be inside some sort of superhero."

"I ain't no superhero," Jane said, smiling. "I'm just a regular hero."

"And modest too," Maura said.

"Hey," Jane replied, smacking her gently on the arm. "You're worse than me when it comes to self-praise."

"How?"

"You call yourself a genius all the time."

Maura raised her eyebrows. "Genius is a fact corroborated by my high IQ. Hero is a subjective term in this scenario."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Can I take her home?"

The doctor scanned the notes and closed the file. "I see you haven't had an amniocentesis done yet, would you like me to run one now?"

"Yes, please."

"What's that?" Jane asked.

"You remember, we talked about it," Maura said. "It's the test to check for any genetic abnormalities."

"I don't want it."

"Jane."

"No, Maura." She struggled to adjust her position on the bed. Maura slipped an arm around her back. "You said it can detect things we don't want to know about."

Maura helped her to sit a little higher, then cupped her cheek. "Jane, we talked about this. There's things we might not want to know, but the earlier we know, the more forewarned we'll be."

"But if we find out one or both of the babies has something, then what?"

"Then we make an informed decision based on the options presented to us."

"Like termination."

Maura sighed. "I know you don't want to think about these things, but the fact is you're over thirty-five, which increases the chances of conceiving a baby that has some sort of genetic abnormalities."

"Downs Syndrome isn't an abnormality," Jane said. "It's a difference."

"I know." Maura grasped her hand. "I want to believe that our children will have perfect health, and that they won't have any differences that make life more challenging for them. But if, for any reason, they do, I'd like to know."

"But what happens if they do?" Jane asked. "You have never answered me honestly on this."

"Perhaps I should come back," the doctor said.

"No, stay," Jane said. "The conversation is over."

"No, it's not." Maura squeezed her hand tighter. "I'm not asking you to decide if our children should live or die. I'm asking you to take a test that will help us to pre-empt any serious conditions."

"I won't have a termination," Jane said. "In any circumstance."

"I know. I heard you the first time, when we discussed it last week. I'd rather be prepared for challenges, than unprepared. I'm not asking you to do anything but take the test."

"If it helps," the doctor said. "We'll be able to tell you the sex of the babies if you do."

"Already?" Jane asked. "I thought we wouldn't find out until our scan next month."

"Since we're looking at doing the tests, we can hopefully let you know when you get the results. It won't be much before your next scan, but it will be a little sooner."

"Okay." Jane squeezed Maura's hand back. "If we can find out what we're having, then okay."

"Can I take her home after?"

The doctor nodded. "We need to make an adjustment to the pain relief, but yes, you should be able to take Jane home as soon as we're done."

"Thank you."

x

"What the hell?" Jane said, standing in the lounge.

Maura dropped her purse on the couch and stared at the two bassinets in the centre of the room. "Did you buy those?"

"No." Jane sighed. "That woman is going to have no money left if she keeps trying to buy our forgiveness."

"You think they're from Angela?"

"Who else would buy two bassinets and leave them in the middle of the living room?"

Maura rubbed her temple. Her head thumped from the stress of the day. "How easy would it be to ask her to back off, again?"

"Probably not easy at all when she finds out I hurt my shoulder."

Jane slouched onto the couch as the back door opened. Maura pressed her lips together.

"Oh you're home," Angela said. "It's about time. Vince called me hours ago. How could you be so stupid, Janie?"

"Not now, Ma."

"Don't not now me," she said, walking across the room. "You're hurt. How could you do that when you're carrying my grandchildren?"

"Not helping," Jane said.

Angela sat down and wrapped her arms tightly around Jane's shoulders, stopping only when she cried out in pain.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I did dislocate my shoulder," Jane said, rolling her eyes. "What the hell are you doing buying things again?"

"I'm trying to say sorry."

"Well, don't," Jane said. "You can take them back to the same shop you tried to buy the changing table from."

Tears welled in her eyes. Maura tried to push her own tears aside, but to no avail. She felt the same depth of feeling about Jane's injury that she anticipated Angela to be feeling in that moment. That wasn't to say that she was willing to forgive her just yet, however.

"Angela," Maura said, standing up and facing her. "This won't fix what you did."

"I know, but I had to do something."

"We appreciate the effort you're making, really we do."

"You do," Jane said, scoffing.

Maura glared at her and folded her arms across her chest. "You need to leave us be for a while. The more you push, the more we want to push back."

"I can't do nothing," she said. "Especially not now my baby is hurt."

"I'm fine, Ma," Jane shouted.

"Really," Maura said. "We'll be okay."

"What can I do to fix this? Please, Maura, tell me how I can make it up to you."

"You can't."

"Oh." Her voice grew small, tears filled her eyes again.

Maura sighed, regretting her choice of words instantly. "Please, just give us some space, and some time, and we'll come back to you on our own."

"Oh. Okay." She backed away slowly. "I'll leave you to it then, I guess."

"Thanks, Ma," Jane said, waving her good arm. Angela nodded her head and turned around, leaving them alone.

* * *

 **Author Note** **: I swear, if Jane was related to me, I would want to push her shoulder myself with her pig headedness. I can't believe she wanted to chase after that man, even though Maura had already showed how worried she was. But Jane is Jane.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Author Note : Thanks everyone - it's great that you're all still here. I know this one is proving a long one, I don't usually write fics that go on this long. I'm enjoying it again, now I've thrown a bit more angst in there with Jane's injury, haha. I probably won't be updating Slide today, as I haven't finished the next chapter, and I am busy for most of the day tomorrow. But maybe tomorrow evening, UK time. I can't believe I'm down to two fics. I'm feeling a little lost, like I need to be writing more, haha.**

* * *

"You're going to stay here until it's time for bed, okay?" Maura said, tucking a blanket around Jane's stomach. She hesitated, resting her hand across her bump for a moment longer than was usually necessary.

"But I'm bored," Jane said, leaning her head back. She winced, then groaned. "I can't do anything without it hurting."

"You're lucky your dislocation didn't include a break, and there's no signs of concussion. If you'd broken your humerus or scaphoid, I dread to think how long it would have taken for you to get back in physical form. You really need to stop thinking you're Wonder Woman and start realising that you're pregnant."

"Wonder Woman can be pregnant."

"Yes, she can." Maura sighed, sitting down at the end of the couch. She stroked her hand along Jane's leg. "But even Wonder Woman would know she has limits. The babies need to come first."

"I _know_. You don't need to tell me."

"There's leftover ragu in the fridge, would you like me to heat it up?"

"Yes, please," she said, sitting up taller. She winced again, sitting back against the pillow once more. "Can I have a beer as well?"

Maura stood up and patted her leg. "Not when you're taking pain relief."

"It's not even that strong."

"It's the strongest dose you can have. Besides, it's better for the babies that you don't drink alcohol, and better for the pain medication, too."

"Not alcohol-alcohol," Jane said. "The non-alcoholic stuff. There's barely anything in it, Maura, it'd take about fifty bottles to match one regular one."

"I'm not willing to risk a decrease in effectiveness of your medication, especially not when you're already in so much pain. That being so, given that you're now in need of rest and recovery, it's better that you stick to water."

"Water?"

"I don't think caffeine is a good idea, either, and since you don't drink tea."

"I'll drink some tea."

"You'll actually drink it?" Maura asked. "Not just sniff at it, sip it, then tell me it smells disgusting, and you want coffee, again?"

She rolled her eyes. "Water's fine."

x

Maura peered out the window as she refilled Jane's glass and carried it over to the couch. She sat on a chair opposite and watched her, as Jane ate her spaghetti. It hurt to see her in so much pain. Being medically trained, she felt helpless. She should have been able to do something, but the injury would just have to play out.

"Your mother appears to be pacing outside the door," Maura said.

"What's she doing out there?" Jane turned quickly, screamed, then groaned. She tossed her fork onto her plate. "I am fucking stupid."

"No," Maura said, kneeling on the floor in front of her. She gripped her hands. "You're not stupid. A little careless with your own safety maybe, but your reasoning makes sense to me."

"I wish it made sense to me." She pressed her palm against her eyes. "I should have realised I could end up like this."

"Why would you? You chase criminals frequently. You're rarely hurt, least not seriously."

"You were right, Maura."

Trailing her palm across her cheek and cupping it in her hand, Maura smiled. "I don't care to be right. All that matters is your health, and the health of our children."

Jane sighed. She covered the back of Maura's hand, then pulled them both away. Turning her head toward the back door, slowly, she raised her voice. "Ma, get in here."

The door opened a fraction. Angela pushed her head through the gap and glanced into the room. With a wave of her arm, Angela followed Jane's instruction and walked over.

"What the hell did you do?" she asked, shaking her head. Angela stepped backward, her lips pressed together. "I mean, are you okay?"

"I was stupid," Jane said. "I know."

"Damn right you were stupid."

"Angela!" Maura shook her head.

"I'm sorry, but I'm right. You can't deny it." She perched on the edge of the couch. "Janie, you could have been killed, or the babies could have been killed. You have to look after yourself."

"I know." She breathed in slowly, fighting the desire to cry out for a hug from her mother. "I'm sorry we've been so mad at you."

"Me?" Angela shrugged. "I deserved it."

"That may be so," Jane said, reaching out a hand. Angela took it, and squeezed Jane's fingers. "But it doesn't mean we shouldn't have forgiven you sooner. I know you love us, and that's why you do the things you do."

"I should never have told anyone else about your pregnancy." She turned to Maura, who had moved to the chair beside the couch. "I shouldn't have shared your secret. It wasn't my news, and I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Angela," Maura said. "It's not okay that you did it, but it's okay now. As Jane said, we know how much you care."

"What can I do?" She picked up Jane's mostly empty plate. "You done?"

She nodded. "Thanks, Ma."

x

Screaming woke her with a start. Jane stared around the bed, frantic, her shoulder searing with pain. Maura flicked on a lamp, her eyes as wide as Jane's. It was only when she reached her arms around Jane's good shoulder that she realised the sound had from her own mouth. Her breathing became a struggle, each laboured breath fought to function.

"It's okay," Maura said, cupping her cheeks.

"It hurts." Tears streamed down her face coating Maura's hands. She leaned forward against her, her heart sped along with the increase in breaths. "Are the babies okay?"

"Shh, you need to lower your heart rate," Maura said. "Try to breath normally."

"It's too hard," she gasped. "The babies."

"The babies are fine, Jane."

"No, no they're not." Pushing through the pain in her shoulder, she gripped Maura's camisole, tugging the fabric as she stared into her eyes. Begging her for help. "I think there's something wrong."

"Okay." Maura wrapped her fingers around Jane's wrists and removed her hands away from her clothing. She slid her legs over the edge of the bed.

Jane grappled with her, desperate for something to hold onto. "Don't go, where are you going?"

"I'm going to change, then I'm going to take you to the hospital."

She rolled onto her back. The darkness surrounded her, suffocating her. Her shoulder still hurt. Her whole body tingled with feelings she couldn't quite put into words. Maura slipped a hand around her good arm. She sat up.

"Are you ready?"

Nodding, Jane slipped off the edge of the bed and stood up. She hooked her arm around Maura's back and walked slowly toward the bedroom door. In the hallway, the moon shone through the window, shrouding them in a bright white light.

"What's going on?" Cailin asked, standing in her doorway.

"Jane's not feeling very well," Maura said. "I'm going to take her to the hospital."

She rubbed at her eyes. "I'll drive."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely, you should look after Jane." She disappeared back into her bedroom, returning with a trench coat in hand.

In the back of the car, Jane leaned against Maura, her hands wrapped around whichever bit of skin she could reach. She sunk into her embrace. She felt a little sick, like her stomach was going to churn up at any second and force the spaghetti and ragu sauce out of her. Old tears dried on her skin. She whimpered, still fighting the need for a decent breath.

"You're going to be okay," Maura whispered, placing kisses across the side of her head. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

"We should have brought snacks," Cailin said. "Why did you let Jane come out in sandals? Should I call Angela when we get there to bring her some shoes?"

"Cailin," Maura said, her voice soft against Jane's ear.

"I should probably call Korsak, let him know Jane won't be in work…she wasn't gonna be anyway, was she? Then I should call Kent to let him know that we won't be in."

"Cailin, it's okay."

"No, it's not," she said, gripping the steering wheel. "There's things that we need to do."

"Not right now there isn't." Maura untangled herself from Jane long enough to reach her hand out and give Cailin's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Thank you for your concerns, but let's not jump the gun."

"Why do I feel sick?" Jane asked.

Maura leaned against the seat. Jane settled back against her side, relishing in the warmth of her embrace. "There could be any number of reasons."

"Is it the babies?"

"Hopefully it's normal pregnancy nausea, or your medication."

"But what if it's not?"

"It's two thirty in the morning, you're in pain because of your shoulder, and your hormones are all over the place. There are many possible reasons."

"I hope so," she said, nuzzling her face against Maura's jacket. "Thank you for taking me to the hospital."

x

"Everything is A-OK," Doctor Baldwin said.

"Really okay?" Jane asked, turning to Maura. "'Cause I still feel weird."

She smiled and brushed her blonde hair back behind her ear. "Your bloods came back clear; your heart rate has dropped back to a comfortable level. I'm a little concerned about the amount of pain you're in."

Jane shook her head. "I didn't take anything before I went to sleep."

"You didn't?" Maura asked.

"No," Jane sighed. "I was gonna but then I got into a comfortable position. I think I fell asleep."

"I'll get you something now," Doctor Baldwin said. "If I'd known this earlier I could have given you something sooner."

"I forgot."

"Stacey," she said, turning to the nurse beside her. "Can you get Miss Rizzoli six hundred and fifty milligrams of acetaminophen IV, please."

Maura squeezed Jane's hand. "Doctor, do you know what caused Jane to feel the way she felt?"

"It's difficult to say," she said. "Jane, what actually happened when you started feeling unwell?"

"I was asleep, I don't know."

"She woke up screaming," Maura said.

"My shoulder hurt, a lot. I felt like my chest was getting really tight, and all I could think about was the babies and if they were okay."

Doctor Baldwin smiled and placed her tablet computer on the table at the foot of the bed. "Did you feel any actual pain in your abdomen?"

"I don't know," Jane said, looking at Maura, her eyes downturned. "I didn't make this up."

"Nobody thinks you did," Maura said, resting a hand on her good shoulder.

"It is possible," Doctor Baldwin said. "That you were dreaming."

"This wasn't a dream. It felt so real."

Maura rubbed her neck. "Dreams become more vivid during pregnancy."

"This wasn't a dream!"

"During pregnancy the body goes through a lot of changes." Doctor Baldwin returned her file to the end of her bed. "It's normal to have vivid dreams and even nightmares during this time. It can be frightening, especially if you're not used to having such strong dreams."

"I've had strong dreams," Jane said. "This was not a strong dream."

"It's not always easy to remember." Maura gripped her hand. "Sometimes we don't remember details about what we dream, more the emotions that manifest themselves."

"But I felt it," Jane said. "I felt sick, and in pain, and it was everywhere."

"I appreciate that this was a frightening experience for you." Doctor Baldwin smiled. "We can't find anything medically wrong with you or the babies, aside from your previous injury. It's possible that with the shoulder, and your pregnancy, that your body went into a panic when you woke up in such pain. When Stacey comes back she'll put in the IV pain medication and hopefully you'll be able to go home in a few hours. If you need anything, the nurses will be around."

She picked up her tablet and carried it out of the room. Maura squeezed her hand tightly, but it didn't settle Jane's concerns. "I didn't dream it."

"I know you think you didn't," Maura said, stroking her cheek. "You're in pain, and you're upset. The only thing that matters is that the babies, and you, are okay."

"Yeah." She slouched down in the bed, wincing with every movement of her arm. "Where's Cailin?"

"She's in the waiting room. I'll go and update her when they're putting in the IV."

Jane sighed. "Great, more needles."

x

Resting the tray on one arm, Jane walked through the bedroom door. She moved slowly, careful not to spill the small pot of coffee or the glasses of juice, whilst being careful to keep her injured shoulder immobile.

"What are you doing, Jane?" Maura asked, climbing out of bed. She rushed across the room and took the tray off her arm, her mouth agape.

"Thanks," Jane said, perching on the end of the bed. "Don't look so worried. I'd have managed."

"I'm sure you would." Maura raised her eyebrows. "You're stubborn like that. How did you get it all the way upstairs?"

"I would say difficultly," Jane said, massaging her lower arm. "But Cailin brought it up, I only carried it through the door."

Placing the tray on the bed, Maura sat down beside her and pushed Jane's hand aside. She pushed Jane's skin with her thumb, massaging her arm slowly. "Are you getting cramps again?"

"Just a twitch, I guess."

"This looks wonderful," Maura said, letting go of her arm and pouring herself some coffee. Jane stared at her longingly. "I hope you're not expecting some too."

She picked up the other mug and held it up. "Please, Maura."

"No."

"You really need to start giving me answers, it's been three days and my shoulder is feeling a little better. Why can't I have coffee?"

"It doesn't matter how much better your shoulder is feeling, the pain relief you're on has caffeine in it. Besides, it's better for the babies that you stay off caffeine."

"Should probably give some to Cailin then," Jane said. "Do I at least get to drink your orange juice?"

"I think that's a fair compromise." Maura picked up her mug and sipped it on her way toward the door. "Cailin, would you like some coffee?"

A moment later, Cailin appeared in the doorway, with a smile across her face. "Did you say coffee?"

"We have a spare mug; would you like to join us?"

She nodded and walked around the bed, climbing onto one side. Maura scooched up beside her, with Jane sitting on her other side. She reached for the tray and laid it down on her lap.

"This is weird," Jane said.

Maura frowned. "How so?"

"The plan was breakfast in bed with my girlfriend, and now it's breakfast in bed with my girlfriend and her sister."

Cailin rolled her eyes and snatched a piece of toast from the plate. "I can leave you to it, if you'd prefer."

"Nah, it's fine." She pulled a pancake off a small stack and ate it like a cookie. "You make great pancakes."

"Thank you."

"Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss with Cailin what we were discussing last night, Jane?"

She chewed and swallowed. "Sure. You can do it."

"Do what?" Cailin asked, her eyebrows creased together

"Cailin," Maura said. "Having you here for the past few weeks has been, well, it's been wonderful. I never realised how much I would value having you in my life again. I know the reason is still difficult, but I think, no, I know, that Hope would be very proud and happy that you're here."

"I think so too," Cailin said, running her fingertip across the bottom of her eyelid.

"We'd be really honoured if you would consider being the twins Godmother."

"Yes!" She wrapped her arms tightly around Maura and kissed her cheek. "Of course I would. I'm the one who's honoured, that you'd want me to be influential in your children's lives."

"You already are," Maura said, cupping her cheek. "When you go back to Oxford, I really want them to continue to get to know you. It's really important to me that their Aunt Cailin will always be part of their lives."

She slipped off the bed and wiped at her face. Maura returned her hand to her lap. Cailin lowered her gaze.

Jane sat upright, her eyes tightened. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Maura asked, glancing at Jane.

"Cailin?"

She shook her head. "I didn't want to ask, especially given everything that's happening. You're expecting the twins, you're really busy with work."

Maura gasped. "Do you want to go home? To Oxford?"

"No." She smiled. "Quite the opposite. I just don't wanna be an imposition."

"You would never be an imposition, Cailin."

Scrunching up her nose, she smiled again. "Maybe, I wondered if, you might consider having a house guest on a more permanent basis."

"You'd like to stay."

"If you'll have me."

"You're welcome for as long as you wish to be here," Maura said, climbing off the bed and scooping her up into her arms. She rested her head on her shoulder. A couple of tears slipped down her face and fell from her chin. "All I've ever wanted is a family, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to have you in my life."

"Me too!" Jane shouted, from her spot on the bed. "I'd come over there and hug you myself but I don't think I can do the hugging thing right now."

Cailin cupped Maura's cheeks and stepped back, just enough to see Jane. "I love you guys."

"We love you too, don't we Jane?"

She rolled her eyes briefly. "We do."

"Who wants more pancakes?"

"There's plenty," Maura said, turning around.

Jane pressed her lips together and stared across the room toward the en-suite, a half-eaten pancake in hand. Her eyes trailed back to Maura, who stood with her hands on her hips. She shrugged. "The babies made me eat them."

"All of them?"

"There were only four."

"You're going to end up with gestational diabetes if you're not careful."

"Never," Jane said. "I could live off sugar."

"I'd really rather you didn't."

"I'll make some more," Cailin said, picking up the empty plate and heading toward the door.


	32. Chapter 32

**Author Note : Thanks everyone, as always, you're amazing. With all of my stories! It's been a busier than usual week, lots of evening things going on.**

 **I've been thinking for a while now about Maura's house and wish there was a floor plan for it. I can never quite figure out how many rooms there are. It looks like there's something on the other side of the front door, presuming that isn't just the staircase and a downstairs bathroom/toilet, part of me thinks the yoga room. But she probably converted a bedroom into the yoga room as there's a closet inside of it. She mentions a study, a yoga room, her own bedroom, and the spare room Jane stays in, and obviously she has the guest house. So complicated getting your head around it! If anyone has any useful information, it'd be great. I have a general idea in my head but would love a clearer one.**

* * *

Jane crawled up the bed, her knees on either side of Maura's waist. She lowered herself down over her thighs and brushed her fingertips across her cheek. Maura moaned softly in her sleep, wriggling a little, before she opened her eyes. She stared up at Jane, her eyes wide for the briefest moment.

"What are you doing there?" Maura asked, reaching her hands out to Jane's growing bump. "You're glowing again."

"And you're fucking sexy," Jane said, her voice gruff with the lack of use. She leaned forward, capturing her lips and biting her skin. She trailed kisses along her neck, nibbling away. "Every. Single. Day."

"Just because you have had your sling removed, doesn't mean your shoulder is fully healed."

She scooped Maura's earlobe into her mouth and gnawed the skin. "It works enough."

"Somebody's excited," Maura said, raising an eyebrow. She laughed lightly, scratching her skin as Jane's teeth moved along it. "That tickles."

Jane sat backward against her thighs. She wrapped her arms around the bump and pulled her t-shirt up and over her head. She pressed down on her breasts, massaging her nipples through the fabric of her bra. Reaching around her back, she unclipped it and let it fall away.

"I take it you've been having more dreams."

"Yes." Jane pushed herself against Maura, trailing her tongue along her shoulder. She tugged the fabric of her nightgown to one side. "You'd look better without that on."

Maura rested a hand on her hips and slipped down on the bed. She snaked her fingertips along Jane's back, until she could tangle them up in her hair.

"Every night for a week," Maura said, stealing a kiss, holding her head in place. Jane tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let go. "I just want to kiss you right now."

Complying, Jane rolled onto her side, pulling her toward her. She slid a leg along Maura's shin, her toes tickling the course hair ends growing back. She groaned into another kiss, her heart pounded with every movement of Maura's fingers across her nipple.

"Where'd you go?" Jane asked, her eyes closed. Maura's mouth found her breast and she let out another moan. Maura laughed, her lips moved across her chest. Pushing her hips up closer to Maura's thigh, Jane tucked a finger into the waistband of her pyjamas and slipped the pants down.

"Stop," Jane said, pushing Maura away. "The babies moved."

Maura reached a hand out to her stomach and wrapped her hands across it, Jane covered her fingers with her hand and moved them across to the location.

"Sorry, they stopped."

"Maybe next time." Maura pressed her lips to Jane's neck, nibbling her skin, her hand still wrapped around the bump.

Leaning back, Jane breathed out deeply, she groaned. Maura's hands wrapped around her thighs. Jane sat up, pushing Maura away. "Again."

"The babies?" Maura reached out.

"They've stopped."

"Good," Maura said, grinning. She lifted her nightgown off and dropped it onto the floor. She leaned close to Jane and trailed her fingertips across her bare shoulder. "I really need your help."

She gripped Jane's hand and pulled it down to her thigh. The babies moved again. Jane retrieved her hand and reached for her t-shirt. "I can't."

"What's wrong?"

"The babies."

"They're okay."

"I know." Jane sighed. "But they keep moving when you touch me and it's weird."

Maura exhaled loudly. "They don't know what's going on."

"How do you know?"

"I suppose I don't."

"Besides, we've got that appointment soon." Jane slipped her shirt over her head and pulled it down across her stomach. She moved off the edge of the bed and grabbed some clothes from a drawer.

Maura nodded, rolling onto her back, her eyes closed. She breathed in and out deeply, focusing on her breathing. She stood up and walked toward the en-suite. "I need a cold shower."

Smirking, Jane followed her, wrapping her arms around her waist. She nibbled her earlobe again. "Think of me while you're in there."

x

A coating of sweat covered Maura's hand as she clutched Jane's fingers. The plastic waiting room chair dug into her back. Genetic testing was one piece of modern medicine Maura applauded, but being at the receiving end of said tests was nerve wracking. She shifted her position for the sixth time and tried to focus on Jane's inane chatter beside her.

"Even if dogs had opposable thumbs, they wouldn't necessarily use them the way we do. Their toes aren't as flexible as our fingers are"

"But they'd have evolved differently," said Jane. "Their toes could have changed, too."

"It's entirely possible," Maura said. "But they'd perhaps be very different animals."

"What if they started walking on two legs? Could they become human?"

"No." Maura sighed. The topic of conversation was not one she favoured at that particular moment, though it distracted her, and for that she was grateful. "Human evolution is linked to the evolution of other primates. Whereas dogs descend from Canis lupus, thus their origins are canid not primate."

"So, Jo Friday would never be able to talk, or throw her own sticks?"

Maura smirked. "No, Jane. That's certainly not how evolution works. Even if Canis familiaris evolved as bipeds, Jo Friday wouldn't change. It would take millions of years for evolution to develop that level of change."

A woman exited a door on their right, a chart in hand. She glanced around at the small number of waiting patients. Maura followed her eyes until they landed on them.

"Jane Rizzoli, Doctor Spruce is ready for you."

Jane stood, tugging Maura up beside her. She let go. Maura's nerves grew exponentially. She breathed in slowly. On the exhale, Jane stared at her, expectation spread across her face.

"That's us," Maura said, despite its lack of necessity.

Sitting down beside Jane, Maura reached for her hand, again. She knew the statistics, she knew the odds of becoming parents to children with additional needs were higher given Jane's age, despite still remaining very low. She knew the blessing, and challenge, of a child with Downs Syndrome; she understood the chance of survival of a child with Edwards' or Patau' Syndrome was low. Despite knowing the facts, she couldn't fully settle.

"I might as well jump straight in," Doctor Spruce said. "I can see no evidence to suggest you're carrying a child with chromosomal abnormalities, in fact, _all_ tests have come back clear."

Maura sat upright, her fingers tightened around Jane's. "Both of them?"

"Yes. Both of them."

She smiled, then breathed out a sigh of relief. Jane's eyes glistened. Maura cupped her other hand around Jane's. She leaned against her shoulder.

"They're okay," she said, rubbing the back of her hand.

"I see you also wanted to find out the sex of the babies."

"Yeah," Jane said.

"They're both girls."

Jane's eyes curved downwards, her mouth upward. Maura bit down on her bottom lip. Brown on hazel, hazel on brown, they stared at each other for a while.

"We're having girls," Jane said, after a moments silence. "Two little girls."

"We are," Maura said, cupping her cheeks. She leaned toward her and kissed her lips, her cheeks ached from grinning. "Two little girls."

"I don't know anything about girls." Jane frowned, her eyes darted back and forth. "How am I gonna bring up girls when _I'm_ not very good at being a girl?"

Maura lifted her hand up to her chest. "It's okay. Girls don't have to fit a box, you didn't. It's not all makeup and dresses."

"No, I guess not."

x

"There's too much choice," Jane said, running a hand along the edge of a row of clothing. "Or there would be if it wasn't all pink."

Maura held her hand out. "Give me the basket."

"I'm perfectly capable of carrying it," said Jane, lowering it at her shoulder.

"Your shoulder is still in recovery, you're not."

Groaning, she handed it over. "Yeah, okay."

"This one isn't pink," Maura said, taking a body suit off the rack. "It's yellow and has a daisy on the front."

Jane stuck her tongue out and made a gagging sound. "They're all so…girly."

Maura tilted her head. "Unfortunately clothes manufacturers haven't caught up with modern ideas about the world."

She wandered across to the other side of the aisle and picked up a pair of dungarees with a tractor on the front. "These are cute! Why are all the cute clothes for boys?"

"You do know," Maura said, taking the dungarees off of her. "Clothes aren't really assigned to a gender, don't you?"

"Sure." Jane pouted. "But everyone would look at our girls dressed in tractor dungarees and think they're boys."

"That's their issue," Maura said, placing the dungarees into their basket. "Up until they really hit puberty, children are practically the same, boy or girl."

"Boys clothes it is." Jane picked up another one. "We need two."

"No, we don't."

"But they're twins."

"Who are going to be able to wear the same clothes," Maura said. "Why buy two of everything when we can dress one in the dungarees today and the other in them tomorrow?"

"Good point, and what we save on money we can spend on a Red Sox season pass for Mama Rizzoli."

"Since when did Angela like going to baseball?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "Me. I'm gonna need some time off every now and again."

"As long as you don't expect to go to every game."

"Nah," she said. "Only home games, and even then I won't go to every one."

"Can I still go to my Medical Examiners conference?"

"The death party?" Jane frowned. "Sure, if you want."

"Thank you."

"You can go to six of them if you wanted."

"There's only one that I like to attend annually." Maura paused. "Though there is one coming up in Oxford that I'd be interested in attending."

"Oxford…Massachusetts?"

"England."

"You want to go all the way to England without us?"

"You can come too."

"Nah, I'll pass." Jane sighed. "It's a long way to go. When is it?"

"It's not until next year."

"Okay."

She picked up a couple of plain baby grows and tossed them into the basket. She searched the racks. A moment later, she squealed and picked up two baby grows. "This we need two of."

Stepping forward, Maura took one of the outfits. "I agree, though I'm surprised you do. I thought you'd prefer Tiny Footballer, or Tiny Baseballer to Tiny Scientist."

"Are you kidding?" Jane placed the outfit on top of the others in the basket. "Football is not a sport I want our girls to play, even if they ever did take women's football more seriously. I'd rather they be geeks."

"You would?"

"Yeah." Jane shrugged. "They're getting my genes, poor kids, they might as well get your brains."

Wrapping her arms around Jane, Maura leaned in close. Jane sighed, trailing her finger down the side of Maura's face. "They could always be Tiny Scientists who love the Red Sox."

Jane twitched her nose. "I dunno."

"You don't?" Maura raised an eyebrow and stepped back, her arms still resting on Jane's hips.

"I want them to love baseball as much as I do, but I don't wanna force it on them. Unless they become Yankees fans, then they're grounded."

She untangled herself from Maura's arms and returned to the 'girls' clothes. She picked up a couple of dresses. "I suppose these aren't terrible."

"Even though they're dresses?"

"What?" Jane asked. "I can buy my girls dresses. What if you broke your leg and couldn't leave the house for a month? Who's gonna make sure they get to wear different kinds of clothes?"

"I could still leave the house," Maura said. "A broken leg doesn't have to housebound someone."

"You know what I mean." She held them up. "What do you think?"

"They're the least pink pink dresses I've ever seen."

She tossed them into the basket with the other clothes. "Thank you."

x

"Everything okay?" Maura asked, as Jane placed her cellphone on the kitchen counter beside the shopping bags.

"The alarm went off at my apartment again."

Maura frowned. "That's the third time this week. Did the Super say why?"

"He doesn't know."

Placing two mugs of coffee down beside Jane, Maura perched on one of the stools. She poured milk into one of the mugs and passed the other across to Jane. "Your apartment has been empty a lot lately."

Jane shrugged, then winced. "With my shoulder it made sense staying here."

"I knew you were doing too much." She reached across her back, slipped her hand under her shirt and spread her fingers over her skin, massaging it lightly. "You're not invincible, especially not after your injury."

"I feel fine, mostly."

"Clearly you don't," Maura said. "The injury will take several more weeks to fully heal, and even then shoulder dislocations can be repeated. This isn't something you can brush aside now your sling is gone."

She rolled her shoulder back, her palm pressed against the front. She groaned with every painful movement. "I know. I guess I forgot."

Maura stood up and walked around to her other side. She molded her fingers into her skin, pushing it and pulling it about methodically. "It's time we looked after you. Perhaps we revisit the idea of you moving in here."

Sipping her coffee, Jane leaned forward. She sighed, her lips curved at the edges. "How I've missed you."

"Savour it, because I won't be making you one several times a day." Maura rolled her eyes. "What do you think?"

"I think I already live here," Jane said.

"Except that you still have to deal with maintenance issues, and you're still paying for, your apartment."

"I know." Jane leaned against the counter, her forehead cool against the marble top. "But that involves packing, and trying to find someone to buy it, then moving everything out."

"You certainly won't be moving any furniture."

"But that's the best part," Jane said, whining. Maura raised an eyebrow. "That's literally the only good thing about hurting my shoulder."

"There is another option." Maura sat back down and sipped her coffee. "It would mean leaving your furniture where it is, though we may want to purchase a new mattress."

"What's wrong with my old one?"

"I'm not sure Cailin would want to sleep on a five-year-old mattress that's molded to the shape of your body. Besides, it's recommended that mattresses are replaced at least every eight years."

"Still got three good years left."

"That may be so, but I'd rather Cailin have a new one."

"You've said Cailin twice now, is she moving into the apartment?"

"Yes," she said. "I don't know why I didn't consider it sooner. We could turn the study or yoga room into the nursery, or move Cailin into my yoga room, but it would require some significant adjustments to our current living arrangements. Besides, it's hard enough getting enough sleep with one infant in the house, let alone two."

"She doesn't know about it then?"

"Not yet. I thought it'd be best to run it by you first, would it be okay?" Maura placed her mug down and covered Jane's hand. "I know how much you loved your home."

"I guess." She circled her hand across her abdomen, smiling. "It was important for a while. Now there's more important things."

"Even if it means getting rid of your old couch?"

"It was a perfectly good couch."

"I know." She gripped the back of Jane's stool and placed her palm across her stomach. "I know it's a lot to ask."

"It's not a lot," she said, shrugging. "I guess I'll just have to get used to it. I'd rather be here with you and our daughters."

She finished drinking her coffee. Silence fell between them. Maura contemplated, quietly, her home. _Their_ home. Aside from Angela using the guest house, she'd not shared with somebody in a long time. She'd had house guests, but they were usually temporary, and always tread around on egg shells. It was the first time she felt like she was surrounded by family, and that they didn't feel uncomfortable being there.

"There is one other alternative," Jane said.

Maura's eyebrows knitted together. "Which is?"

"We offer my mother the apartment, and Cailin move into the guest house."

"That's an option." Maura raised her eyebrows. "It would allow Cailin and I to continue bonding, without having to travel across town."

"But Ma would probably be pissed because she'll want to be here to help out."

Maura pushed her stool back and turned to Jane. "How about we suggest Angela remain in the guest house until the twins are two months old, so that we have her assistance during the adjustment period? They'll be sleeping in our room, so Cailin could stay in her current room, or she could temporarily move into the apartment. Then when the twins are a little older, Angela could move out and Cailin live in the guest house."

"You think Ma would buy that?"

"Why wouldn't she?"

"She's gonna be like one of those new drone thingys, just hovering around."

"It's entirely possible that Angela will recognise our need for space, and will be happy with this idea."

"What if Cailin would rather just move into the apartment?"

"Then Angela can remain in the guesthouse indefinitely."

"Right."

"Would that be okay with you?"

"I dunno."

"I suppose the most important thing we can do now is let them know how we both feel, and try to resolve this between the four of us, amicably."

"Okay." Jane's bottom lip protruded. "Is it wrong of me to want Ma to go?"

"I don't think so," Maura said. "She knows you love her and she may wish to be around for the children, but you're an adult and we're building a family. I think it's important we have our space to do so."

"I don't want her here long term. I know that sounds harsh but it's how I feel."

"Then we'll make arrangements for Angela to leave," Maura said, cupping her hand. "Even if I have to purchase another apartment so that her and Cailin have somewhere to go."


	33. Chapter 33

**Author Note : Well this wasn't what I planned on doing with my evening, but it is what happened...a new chapter of a story I struggled to reach again. I finally found a way back. I just hope I have enough in me to reach the end of it.**

 **Got any story prompts/ideas? I'm finding myself struggling to write and I think part of it is because right now I don't feel very challenged. So if anyone has any prompts/ideas/challenges to help me - please feel free to PM me! I'm willing to have a go at anything, though I can't always guarantee my brain will cooperate.**

* * *

"Good morning my sweet, baby girl," Angela said, running her hands across Jane's bump and kissing her on the cheek. "I can't wait til the twins arrive; I can feed them and bathe them and kiss their teeny tiny little toesies."

"Don't ever say toesies again."

"Why not? They are toesies. I can't wait to see their little faces and watch them grow."

"They're our babies, Ma," Jane said, raising an eyebrow.

Maura poured a second mug of coffee and handed it to Angela, sipping her own. She watched Jane, her envy evident by the glare in her eyes. Maura smirked. She'd read the research about coffee during pregnancy; six times. It was difficult not to when Jane handed it to her frequently. Unfortunately for Jane, Maura was not willing to negotiate, despite the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommendation that some coffee was acceptable. It didn't help that she knew full well Jane already received her recommended two hundred milligrams at work, under Frankie's watchful eye.

"That doesn't mean I can't help out." Angela perched on a stool and drank her coffee. "It's hard enough having one baby. Actually no, one baby isn't so bad if they sleep. It's hard enough having Jane Rizzoli as a toddler and a newborn baby. But to have two newborns, at once. You're gonna need a lot of extra help around here."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Gee, thanks Ma."

"With all due respect, Angela," Maura said, placing her empty mug in the sink and running the faucet. "Jane isn't going to be looking after them alone."

"Of course not, but there's only so long you'll be able to take off work."

" _Ma_." Jane groaned and pushed her plate of eggs aside. She was tired of boring food. Nothing tasted nice without salt and sugar, and Maura had put her on a strictly sugar and salt free diet. She grimaced when Angela picked up her fork and proceeded to eat her breakfast. She felt unnecessarily territorial.

"You have no reason for concern." Maura turned the mug upside down on the rack. "I plan to take a leave of absence for six months to begin with, with the possibility of extending it to twelve depending on our situation."

"I see." She dropped the fork on the plate, picked up her mug and carried it toward the back door, her voice considerably lower than when she came in the kitchen a few minutes before. "I have to get ready for work."

"That doesn't mean we won't need your support," Maura said, loudly enough to turn her back around.

"I'll be here, day and night. Whatever you need, I'm your girl," she said, grinning, as she danced her way out of the house.

"You haven't told her?" Maura asked, the second the door had closed behind her. She folded her arms across her chest and stalked across the room towards Jane.

Jane stared back, a slice of toast hung out of her mouth as she shrugged. Despite having soft toast between her teeth, she spoke. "She's not the easiest person to speak to about these things."

"That is no reason not to tell her. You told her about Silver, was that not a difficult conversation?"

"That was hell." Jane swallowed and took the half eaten toast from her mouth. She tossed it on top of the eggs and looked at Maura. "But that wasn't new news, this is new news. This is the mother of all meltdown news."

"Maybe she'll surprise you."

"Have you met Angela Rizzoli?"

Maura sighed and slouched into the chair beside Jane. "You're nearly five months pregnant, Jane. The final trimester is only weeks away. We have to complete the work on the nursery; Cailin can't sleep in a bedroom full of fresh paint, though I suppose we could set up a temporary bed in the yoga room while we decorate. Before you know it we'll be carrying our daughters' home and you'll have run out of time to have this conversation with her."

"Works for me," Jane said.

"Really?" Maura raised an eyebrow and stared at Jane, until she lowered her shoulders and rolled her eyes. "You are the one, am I not mistaken, who decided she did not want her mother to be living with us once the babies have been born?"

"Yes."

"And are you not the one who groans at the mere discussion of what role your mother can play in the birthing process?"

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call it the birthing process? I'm shoving two watermelons out of the head of a needle, call it what it is; torture."

"Now you're being melodramatic."

"That's my prerogative, Maur, I'm the one who has to do all the hard work."

Narrowing her eyes, Maura stood up and carried Jane's breakfast plate across the room. She emptied the uneaten eggs and toast into the trash and slipped the plate into the dishwasher between her own breakfast bowl and a serving dish from the night before. She chewed on the inside of her lip, conscious of the threat of impending tears. "It's not like I didn't try to become pregnant."

"That wasn't a dig, Maura."

"No?"

"Hey," Jane said, standing up. She walked across the room. Her walk had changed, not entirely noticeably to the outside world, but Jane could feel it. Her stomach felt like a heavy load taped to her stomach, something akin to the boot camp weight training she'd done before joining to Force. Some days she stared at her naked belly, and wondered how humans could birth children, then lose their enlarged abdomen quickly. It seemed like an alien concept. She squeezed Maura's shoulders, despite her attempt to squirm away from her touch. "Don't be like that. I didn't mean it like you heard it."

"That's how I heard it," Maura said. "I can't help if I hear something one way when you meant it another way."

"I know. I'm sorry." She dragged her hand across her back and pulled her in as close as possible with the bump in the way. "I love you. I love that you wanted to be the one who carried our children."

Maura smiled faintly, a slight hint of happiness crept back across her face. Jane bit her bottom lip and stared into her eyes. She trailed her hands across her back, reaching her fingertips under the edge of her pyjama shirt.

Jane kissed across her neck. She groaned, stepped back and rolled her eyes. "Some days I wish you were the one carrying them."

"Do you need to pee again?"

"I gotta God. Damn. Pee. Again," she said, groaning as she fled the kitchen.

x

Cailin sliced into the lung with practiced precision, something which left Maura feeling exceptionally proud about. She stood to one side, watching her every move, analysing her actions, until she snapped off her gloves and joined her.

"You're getting rather good at this," Maura said.

"I'm enjoying it," Cailin said. "The best thing about working at the Medical Examiner's officer is the patients don't talk crap back to you when you accidentally slice into their ear."

Maura gasped. "Did that really happen?"

"Might have done." She shrugged. "It wasn't a real patient, though he was alive and well. I wasn't supposed to be using the scalpel but a few of us were fooling around and…he lost a tiny sliver of skin. No biggy."

"No biggy?" Maura stepped back, gobsmacked. "How did the young man who lost skin feel about it?"

"He laughed, mostly."

"He laughed?"

"Come on, Maura," Cailin said, rolling her eyes. "You can't tell me you didn't have any mishaps in medical school."

"Me? No. Never."

"Never ever?"

"I suppose I have always been the exception to every rule," Maura said, slipping off her gloves and disposing of them. "Have you booked your flight back to Oxford?"

Cailin followed her out of the examination room and into her office. "I leave a week Tuesday."

"To return when?"

"The following Tuesday."

"Is a week long enough to say goodbye to your friends?"

Sitting down behind the desk, Maura motioned for Cailin to take the seat opposite. She clasped her hands together and placed them on the desk, her brow furrowing slightly.

"I know you're going to be starting medical school here next term."

"We've already discussed this."

"In part, yes." Maura picked up a packet of chocolates left by a departing colleague and handed it to Cailin. "I want to offer you a part time position, if you're willing to take it."

"Here?"

"Yes."

"When you say part time?"

"It will of course have to fit around your schooling. Whilst I acknowledge it will complement your studies, it's important than you focus on your goals and on achieving all that you need to achieve. I merely want you to have some spare change if you wish to go out with friends."

Cailin scoffed and handed back the packet. "Between my so called father's divorce settlement, Hope's personal wealth and the insurance pay out because of her death, I inherited five million dollars. I don't think I need spare change."

"I know." Maura slipped a chocolate into her mouth and chewed, savouring it for a moment before swallowing. "When I finished college I was given access to a trust fund. Whilst the money was useful, for vacations and for putting a deposit down on a home, I much preferred to earn my own money. I ended up investing most of it."

"You trying to teach me some sort of financial lesson?"

"I'm trying to be the big sister I should be and give your opportunities that can only seek to improve your chances in life, whilst also warning you of the dangers of relying on a finite amount of money."

"You're doing that thing again," Cailin said, standing up.

"What thing would that be?" Maura asked. She stepped around the desk and waved her hands, motioning for Maura to stand up. "What is this?"

Wrapping her arms around Maura's back, Cailin pulled her in close, squeezing her tightly before kissing her on the cheek and holding her at arm's length.

"I'm not sure how I'd have gotten through the last few months if it wasn't for you."

"You'd have managed," Maura said.

"I doubt it."

"You're a strong young woman with a bright future."

"Even brighter with you in my life." She cupped Maura's cheeks and lowered her hands to her sides. "Have I ever told you that I love you?"

She stepped back. "Yes, you have."

"I have?" Cailin shrugged and returned to her seat across the desk. "Yeah, well, I probably mean it more now. You're a pretty cool big sister."

"Well, thank you, Cailin." Maura seated herself as well. She paused a moment, then smiled at Cailin. "I love you too. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had siblings, when I grew up. Having you here will never answer that question, but I can at least know what it's like from now."

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Speaking properly," Cailin said, putting on a posh accent.

"How else am I meant to speak?"

"I dunno, I guess it takes some getting used to." She shrugged again. "It's like Mom, I forget things sometimes and it makes me sad. Then I listen to you talking, and I know you didn't grow up with her as your mother, but you're so alike and it makes me smile."

x

"Thanks for driving me, Ma," Jane said, pushing open the door of the clinic. "I'd have driven myself but last time they drew blood I nearly fainted. Something to do with my blood sugar, or my blood pressure, Maura knows better than I do. The doctor said it'd probably be fine by the third trimester, but you know Maura, she's overcautious."

Angela rubbed her arm and trailed her hand down to her side as they set off down the sidewalk. "You know I'll do anything for you, Janie."

"We appreciate it, all four of us."

She took her keys out of her purse and pressed the button, unlocking the car a few feet away. Jane climbed into the passenger seat, beside Angela, and sat back. She massaged the sides of her bump. She'd never really felt a single baby kicking before, but she expected the dual-kick from both sides was quite something.

Belting up, Angela turned to face her. She grinned, staring at her hands on her bump, before she dived in for the kill. Jane bit her tongue in an attempt to shut herself up. She hated people touching her, excepting Maura, and her mother was particularly bad at doing so without even asking.

"That's enough touching," Jane said, pushing Angela's hands away from her bump. She slid her fingers across it, wrapping them around the shape so unfamiliar that Jane wasn't sure she'd ever get used to it. She certainly would never get used to people wanting access to it.

Angela sat back in her seat at the table and put the keys in the ignition. For a moment, silence drifted between them. Jane searched her mind for the words she wanted to say, for the words she could say, and for the words she needed to say despite the reaction they would no doubt receive. She didn't know why it was time, it seemed an odd moment, given that they were about to head into traffic, but it felt right.

"I love you," she said. "You know I love you, don't you?"

"Wouldn't hurt you to say it more often," Angela said. The car rolled forward. Angela glanced around her, checking her mirrors before she set off across the parking lot. Jane frowned. Sighing, Angela's expression softened. "But I know."

"The thing is, it's getting kind of crowded at home."

"Crowded how?" Angela asked, glancing at Jane briefly then returning her attention to the road ahead.

"With you and Caitlin living there, and it won't be long before the babies arrive."

"Nobody ever said no to an extra pair of hands with an infant in the house," she said, taking a hand off the steering wheel and waving it around. "And you're gonna have two. Pairs of hands, and infants."

"Ma." Jane sighed. Her eyes filled with tears. She couldn't wait til the day she could get her barriers back. Too many emotions left her feeling drained.

Angela placed her hand back on the wheel, her previous excitement dissipated, and she nodded her head. "You want me to leave."

"What?" Jane sat up a little taller. "I didn't..."

"You were going to though, weren't you?"

She slouched back down in her seat, somewhat apologetic at the way she hadn't quite told her mother. "Yeah...I'm sorry."

"I understand."

"You do?" Jane narrowed her eyes, and leaned forward a little. "I thought you'd get upset."

"I don't know why. You know I've raised three babies. Before you came along my Ma wanted to stay and help, and we let her. She drove me crazy. Before you were three months old we wanted to kill each other." She reached for Jane's hand across the hand break, taking a couple of glances as she spoke. "When Frankie arrived we both agreed it was better for her to stay away. Even if it was a nightmare given you were a difficult toddler."

"I wasn't that bad, was I?"

"You wouldn't sleep. You wanted to play at all hours of the day and night. When Frankie slept, you wanted to play. When I tried to sleep, you wanted to cling to me. When I wanted you to sleep, you kicked your feet until I let you stay up. Of course the second I got you in the car on the way to an appointment, you were fast asleep. No sense."

"Not any better now," Jane said, chuckling. She squeezed Angela's hand. "We don't want you to stay away. We don't want you to go right away either."

"I'll go when you need me to, or I can stay, it's up to you."

A silence fell between them. Angela focused on the road ahead as they drove back to the Police Department. The one thing Jane hated more than people touching her stomach was turning up late to work because of an appointment. It was bad enough that her colleagues had started treating her like eggshells now she was showing. She hated sympathy. She hated people staring at her for daring to reproduce, and she hated the snide comments some of the older men made when she tried to ask them to do something with the bowling ball between them.

"I expected you to be more upset," she said.

"I know I smother you." Angela paused. Jane could hear the sadness in her voice, she hated it. "I don't mean to. I just want what's best for you. You're my baby and now you're having your own babies."

"Don't cry."

"I'm not crying," Angela said. She rubbed her fingertips across her eyelids and stared ahead. "Much."

"You can have my apartment."

"No, Janie, I couldn't do that."

"Why not? I don't need it. Once it's packed up I'll officially be living with Maura. I don't wanna keep going back and forth. But I can't sell it, I don't want to sell it. If you don't live there I'll have to find a tenant and I really don't wanna be a landlord."

"Okay." Angela signaled left and turned into a side road. "How soon do you want me out?"

"Maura really wants everything sorted before the babies arrive. Caitlin's going to move into the guesthouse."

"That makes sense."

Frowning, Jane waited a moment to make sure her mother's reaction wasn't about to change dramatically. "You're not upset about that?"

"Why would I be?" She pulled over and shut off the engine. "She's her sister. They're reconnecting."

"What did you do with Ma, and how did you get away with replacing her with some kind of cyborg?"

She tapped Jane gently on the arm. "Don't be so ridiculous, Janie. I think you underestimate me sometimes."

"I guess I do."

"I'll start packing my things up right away."

"Me and Maura are gonna sort out the apartment at the weekend. You can move your stuff in next week, then you can come and stay for a few weeks after we've got settled with the babies."

" _No_."

"No?" Jane rubbed the right side of her bump as the babies kicked it from the inside. "I thought you'd jump at the chance."

"We'll be worse than me and my Ma. It won't work."

"I thought you'd want to help out."

"I do, and I will, but I'm not gonna come back and live with you."

"Okay." Jane leaned forward, enveloping her mother in her arms. She smirked. "If that's what you want."

"Don't think I don't know you're happy about it," Angela said, wrapping her arms tightly around her shoulders.

Jane pulled away. "Do you just have eyes everywhere?"

"You'll see," she said. "When your twins are older, you'll understand me better."


	34. Chapter 34

**Author Note : Thank you to everyone who is still here for the ride. Sorry I didn't get a chapter up sooner, it was my birthday yesterday so I've had a busy weekend! I hope you all enjoy this one.**

* * *

"This is Alana Schmick, twenty-six. She was found a half hour ago by her neighbour," Korsak said. Jane lowered herself down beside the body, resting her fingers on the ground to steady herself. "She came to see if Alana wanted to grab a coffee, they're friends, their daughters play together."

"She's got a kid?" Jane sighed, her other hand moved quite naturally to her stomach. She gripped the fabric of her shirt and stared at the woman's eyes. She forced a large breath of oxygen, then moved to stand up. She groaned. "Maura?"

"I'm here," Maura said, looping an arm quickly around her back and helping her to her feet. She could feel Korsak's eyes on her. Jane clenched her fist, her jaw ached as she gritted her teeth. She walked around the body, ignoring the intense glare from her partner, which she transferred to Maura as she spoke. "The additional weight is proving to be a sore point."

"You try carrying twins around as they press down on your bladder." Jane looked over the injuries around the woman's neck. "Husband?"

Korsak cleared his throat. "Luis Schmick was a fighter pilot. He went missing a few months back, plane went down, they have no reason to believe he's still alive."

Jane's whole body tensed up. She couldn't turn away from the steely eyes of the young mother on the floor, or the ligature marks that likely caused her death. She closed her eyes as she trailed along her body and landed on the enlarged abdomen not unlike her own. Maura sidled up beside her and gripped her hand, giving her the briefest moment of relief.

"He never knew he was going to be a father again," Korsak added, like a final knife to her chest.

Being a detective was something Jane had dreamt about for years. She had worked hard to fight her way up to her position. She was a strong, confident detective who wasn't afraid of the harder cases. She fought people twice her size, and won. She came face to face with serial killers and terrorists.

She did not feel the weight of victim's worlds on her shoulder.

"Wait," Jane said, turning to Korsak. "Where's the daughter now?"

"With the friend."

"Here?" She couldn't breathe. The thought of her daughter's losing her, or Maura, felt like an insurmountable weight on her chest.

"Jane," Maura said, squeezing her hand tightly. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," Jane said, letting go of her fingers and searching the room. She walked out into the hallway and through the house to the lounge. She bit the inside of her cheek when she saw the child, barely four years old and a head full of blonde curls. She crouched down beside her, knowing full well that standing back up would be next to impossible. "Hey there. What's your name?"

"Lucy," the little girl said.

"Hi Lucy, I'm Detective Rizzoli, but you can call me Jane." She pulled herself onto the couch beside her. She looked to the woman whose hand she clutched. "Who's this?"

"Maryann."

"Is Maryann your friend?" Lucy nodded, and the woman forged a smile. Jane choked back the threat of tears. "It's nice to meet you both. Do you know what happened, Lucy?"

"To Mommy?"

"Yeah." Jane nodded. "Did you see what happened to your mommy?"

"I don't think," Maryann said, but Jane interrupted her.

"Lucy is the closest thing we have to a witness."

"I understand that, but she's scared."

Jane smiled. "We'll only go as far as Lucy is able to. I promise."

"Go ahead, Lucy," Maryann said. "Answer her question."

"Did you see what happened to Mommy?"

"No." She shrugged.

"What were you doing?"

"Playing teddy bear's picnic."

"That's a fun game."

"It's my favourite."

"I hope my daughters like to play that game one day," she said, running her hands across the sides of her bump.

"You got a baby in your belly too?" she asked, pointing to Jane's bump. "A big belly like Mommy."

"I sure do." She forged a smile. "Lucy, did you hear anything while you were playing? Any noises? Or maybe your mommy was on the phone?"

"The man shouting."

"The man?" She leaned forward, a little closer. "Do you know who the man was?"

"I dunno." Lucy's eyes grew wide and sad. "When can I see Mommy?"

Jane lowered her gaze and pinched the bridge of her nose. A hand landed on her shoulder and she looked up. Korsak crouched beside them. "Hi Lucy, I'm Vince, I work with Jane. We'll have a talk about your mommy real soon, okay? Right now I need you to tell us if you know what happened after the man was shouting."

"Mommy was crying," she said. "She cries a lot after daddy went to heaven."

"I'll bet," Korsak said. Jane stood up. Korsak took her seat and continued questioning the child.

She walked back through the hallway to where Alana's body was. Her heart ached, and all she wanted was a hug from Maura. She stood in the doorway to the bedroom. Maura knelt down, pulling a few samples from the body and making notes. She sighed and watched her for a moment.

"Jane." Maura stood up, snapped off her gloves and joined her in the doorway. "Any luck with the child?"

"This isn't a nice case," Jane said, pressing her fingers to her eyelids and brushing away a couple of tears.

"No."

"She's so little." Jane's chest heaved. "She's too young to lose her dad and her mom in such a short space of time. How will she cope?"

"Children can be amazingly resilient."

Jane rolled her eyes. "That's all you've got?"

"It's true."

"I don't want our daughters to have to go through that," she said, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, as though it was enough to keep the babies safe. "What happens if we die? What happens to them?"

"Jane," Maura said, rubbing her back. "You don't need to worry about that right now."

"But I do."

"Then we'll create a will outlining what we want to happen," Maura said, cupping her cheek. She brushed away fresh tears, then replaced them with a kiss. "Everything's going to be okay."

"Who gets them?"

"Who gets what?"

"The babies. Who gets the babies if we die?"

"Jane." Maura turned back to the body. "This isn't the time for this conversation."

"Then when is?"

"Tonight, when we get home from work, we'll discuss it properly."

"But I need to know now."

She cupped her cheeks tightly and stared into Jane's eyes. "You're upset, and that's okay. Your body is working really hard on producing hormones so that you're putting all of your energy into helping the babies grow. I know it might feel like you need answers, but a few hours won't hurt."

"What if...?" Jane began, but Maura cut her off.

"Hypothesising will not do you any good. This is a difficult case, and the little girl isn't going to make it any easier. But this isn't our life, it's theirs."

Jane shook her head, pushing Maura's hands away from her. "How can you be so calm?"

"I don't have the same range of hormones as you do." Maura gripped her hand. "Please try not to worry about this."

"Do you have a _hypothesis_ about how she died?" Jane sighed.

Maura pursed her lips, disguising a slight smile. "The marks on her neck suggest strangulation, she has some bruises on her arms which are signs of a struggle."

"So, she was strangled," Jane said.

"I can't be one hundred per cent sure."

Jane smirked. "But she was."

x

"I spy with my little eye, something that starts with the letter P," Jane said, glancing at the pen on the table.

Lucy looked around the room, carefully taking in everything around her. Jane moved her hand across the wooden top, inching closer to the pen beside her.

"Pen!" Lucy shouted, her grin wide as her face lit up.

"Yes!" Jane said, holding it up. She dropped it back on the table. "You're such a clever kid."

"Mommy said I'm above a fridge for my age grouping."

Jane smiled, sadness laced her words. "Your Mommy was right."

The conversation ground to a halt faster than a T train coming in to a stop. She sat back and waited, hoping the silence would give Lucy the time she needed to think of something else to say. The little girl had been especially verbose and she didn't want to stop her, in case she remembered something important.

"Mommy's not coming, is she?" she asked, a moment later, her eyes sad but her voice matter of fact. "Like Daddy."

Jane sighed. "I'm sorry, Lucy. No, she not coming, like Daddy."

Lucy nodded and turned to the pen and paper on the desk. She picked up the pen and started a drawing. Silently getting on with something productive, while Jane felt like she was about to break apart.

A knock at the door pulled her from her sadness. She opened it, her eyes bugged. " _Silver_."

"Jane," she said, her smiled reached her eyes. "It's lovely to see you."

"It's," Jane checked that Lucy was still occupied and slipped out into the hallway. "It's unexpected."

"As is that," Silver said, glancing down at her enlarged stomach. Her smile tightened.

Her hand went to her bump as it always did any time she was thinking, or talking about it. Jane felt her cheeks redden and looked away. "When I called, I didn't think they'd send you."

"Everyone else was busy." Silver's tone had changed. It was colder, harsher. "There's a little girl who needs looking after?"

"Lucy, she's four," Jane said. She sighed. "We can talk about it."

"Maybe I don't want to."

"Silver."

"What?" she asked, her arms out at her sides. "You can't say my name and it all be okay. Do you know how difficult it was to get over you?"

"Please. Can't we just do our jobs and then move on?"

"You're the one who wanted us to talk about it."

"I didn't mean right now."

"Then when?" Silver asked, folding her arms. "I'm here to take a child who just lost her mother to foster care because she has nobody. When exactly do you wish to discuss the fact you got pregnant shortly after we broke up?"

"It's complicated." Jane sighed. "Maybe we could get a drink after I finish work."

Silver laughed. "Really? You want us to get a drink? Why?"

"Why not?"

"If I hadn't shown up here it wouldn't matter, you wouldn't be asking me to go for a drink. You'd get on with your life like I didn't even matter."

"Now you're over exaggerating." Jane stepped from one foot to the other. She glanced through the glass in the door. Lucy had barely moved. "You mattered. You _matter_."

" _I still matter_." Silver laughed again. "I still matter even though you're pregnant with someone else's child. Look at you, you're huge."

"I'm not _that_ big yet."

"You know what I mean."

"It's not as simple as it sounds."

Silver sighed, dropping her arms to her sides. "Where's the child? I have a job to do."

Jane stepped aside and motioning to the door. Silver pressed down on the handle and pushed it open. She left it half open, allowing Jane to follow her into the conference room.

"Hi Lucy, I'm Silver," she said, sitting down in Jane's chair. Lucy looked up, her eyes wide and confused. She glanced at Jane, who nodded. She looked back at Silver. "Jane tells me you had some really sad news today, about your Mommy."

"She went to heaven like Daddy," she said, shaking Jane more than she expected. She hadn't explicitly told her that her mother had died, and yet, somehow she'd understood. She felt her emotions get the better of her and stepped out of the room. She'd done her bit, now it was up to the system to do the rest.

x

Maura had left work earlier after finishing the autopsy. Once the case file had been set up, statements from neighbours had been collated, and Lucy had been looked after, there wasn't much left to do. At least, there wasn't much left for Jane to do. Korsak and Frankie had insisted on taking on the bulk of the case, and for once, Jane wasn't about to argue. She headed to the parking lot. On the correct floor, Jane froze. Stood against her car was the one person she least expected.

" _Silver_."

"I changed my mind," she said, standing upright. "Let's get a drink."

"Okay."

They walked across to the Dirty Robber and settled into Jane's usual booth. She nursed a glass of club soda, wishing she could get away with a beer. But the day had made her even more adamant that looking after her daughters was more important than anything else, her vices included.

"I was surprised," Silver said, after a moment's silence. "I didn't realise you'd move on so quickly, and I was…upset that you have."

"I'm sorry." Jane rested her elbows on the table. "It's not as simple as it looks."

"You went back in the closet."

"No."

"Then what?"

"The friend I told you about, who I…who I'm in love with."

"Maura."

"How did you know?" Jane asked, a crease between her brows.

"She was your best friend and while we were together you never talked about her. You went to Oxford to be with her at her mother's funeral, but you would barely say her name when we were together."

" _Oh_." Jane circled her finger around the top of her glass. "She and I were going to have a baby together, as friends."

Silver narrowed her eyes. "I don't understand."

"Before we broke up," Jane sighed. "I'm sorry. I never told you. Before I even met you, properly, we were going to have a child together. Neither of us were in a relationship, we both wanted a child."

"So, you decided to have one together."

"Yes." Jane shrugged. "Maura was going to carry the baby, but it didn't happen for us. Her mom died, we went to Oxford, we kissed. We…"

"You kissed in Oxford?" Silver's face paled.

Jane reached across the table and gripped her hand. Silver pulled it back and stuffed it under the table. "I'm sorry. It wasn't as simple as I just made it out to be. She was grieving and she just…she kissed me. I didn't know how to tell you."

"So, you broke up with me instead."

"No. I, I thought Maura was just upset and needed comfort. I was in love with her, I didn't know what else to do. If I told you about the kiss, I was scared that you were going to leave me, and I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't."

Lifting her beer up to her lips, Silver took a swig and held onto it as she placed it back on the table. "You didn't end things right away."

"No." Jane sipped her own drink. "I wanted to be with you. But I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't be in love with her, and make you think we had a future."

"When did you get pregnant?"

"After." Jane sat forward. "We conceived after we broke up. It wasn't long, but it was long enough."

"I guess I should be grateful," Silver said. Jane frowned. "If you hadn't ended things, and you and Maura had decided to have a baby together. I don't know how I would have felt about that."

"That's one of the reasons I did it. Maura could see how complicated it was getting. I didn't want to hurt you, and I thought I could do both. Then I realised how much I loved Maura."

"So, you're co-parenting."

"We're parenting." Jane cleared her throat. "Maura loves me too. It took a while, but we finally realised."

"Oh. I see." Silver nodded. "Well, congratulations, I suppose."

"I really didn't want to hurt you," Jane said. "That's why I never told you the whole story. I didn't want you to feel like the way you're looking at me right now."

"I'm sorry I ruined your happy little idea about our breakup."

"It's not like that." Jane rested her head on her hands, as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Do I regret not telling you everything? Of course, I do. Do I regret hurting you? One hundred per cent. Do I wish things could be different? Another time, another place. We could have been something."

"It's too late now," Silver said, raising her eyebrows. She trailed her hand across the table and covered Jane's. Jane stared at their fingers, as she intertwined hers with Silvers. "I didn't think it would be this hard to get over you."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Silver said. "You tried to spare me pain, and then I had to come back into your life and fuck it all up again."

"I'm glad we did this." Jane let go of her fingers and gripped the edge of the table. "I feel like we can maybe move on, now."

Silver scoffed. "I think you've already done enough moving on for the both of us."

"Yeah."

"It's good to see you so happy," she said, smiling right up to her eyes.

Jane covered her hand again, and smiled back. "I hope you find happiness."

"Me too."

x

The front door opened just as Maura pulled the casserole dish from the oven. She rested it on a board and turned to greet Jane. She slouched onto a stool and kicked off her shoes.

"You look tired," Maura said. "I can put this on a tray and you can have it in bed, if you'd prefer."

"Nah, I'll be fine," Jane said. "Thanks for cooking."

"I was home early, it made sense," Maura said, despite the fact they both knew Jane's idea of cooking was calling up and ordering take-out, or having Angela prepare a spread. She served up the casserole, putting the rest back into the oven to stay warm for Cailin.

"This is good," Jane said, scooping another forkful into her mouth and chewing quickly. "I'm so hungry."

"Did you have lunch?"

"No." She looked away, guiltily, but Maura knew. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's been a stressful day."

"Too stressful," Jane said.

They sat silently for a while, eating the casserole and sharing little more than small talk. Maura swallowed a final mouthful and pushed her empty plate to one side.

"I made a list of potential guardians for the babies," Maura said, pushing a sheet of paper across the counter.

Jane glanced at the list, her eyebrows moved as she read down it. Maura waited, almost impatiently, for her response. "Tommy's got his hands full with TJ, Frankie's not ready. My mother is not having our children."

"And the others?"

"Do you really want Constance and Arthur to bring them up?"

"No."

"So, Cailin," Jane said.

Narrowing her eyes, Maura sat back. Thinking about it, she didn't think any of their candidates were especially suitable. "She's about to start back at medical school, she's not in a suitable position to be looking after infants."

"That leaves us with nobody," Jane said.

Maura sighed. "Not necessarily. It would depend on the circumstances under which guardianship would be awarded."

"Isn't that the point of Godparents, though?" Jane asked.

"Some people believe Godparents should be given guardianship, but I see them more as a spiritual and moral guide. Whether religious or otherwise."

"What did you mean about circumstances?"

"We're assuming the children would need a guardian as they are now. What if it's in five or even ten years' time?"

"I don't even want to think about having ten year olds," Jane said, groaning.

"In ten years TJ will be a teenager, making Tommy's situation different to his current one. Frankie may be settled in a long-term relationship by then, and would be ready to take on two children. As for your mother, the more time passes, the older she will become, making her less of a suitable candidate. Cailin may be more settled, though depending on the field of medicine she chooses, I would be concerned that she might be overworked."

"In other words," Jane said. "We're no closer to having a person than we had this morning."

"I think we should put clauses on suitability depending on different scenarios." Jane frowned. Maura raised her eyebrows and stared at her. "We write it into our will that if something was to happen in ten to thirteen years' time, and Tommy doesn't have any more children, then he would be a suitable candidate. If it happens any later than ten years from now, then I would discount your mother."

"And if Cailin is in a stressful field of medicine, then it would depend on whether she's got a stable relationship with someone who can give our kids what they need."

"Exactly."

"How do we write all that?"

"It's easy enough," Maura said. "We should discuss it further. But not tonight, you look like you're about to fall asleep. How about I run you a bath and we can have an early night?"

"You are the best." Jane stood up, rested a hand on Maura's shoulder and kissed her cheek. She ambled across to the couch and flicked on the television. "Shout me when it's ready."

x

"Lucy's settled at a foster family," Jane said, running a towel across her damp hair and curling up in her spot on the bed.

Maura grabbed another towel and tucked it under her, covering up her pillow. "I know how much you hate a wet pillow."

"Thanks," Jane said, rolling onto her side as Maura settled onto the bed beside her. "What would I do without you?"

"Eat pizza and have permanently wet pillows?" Maura asked. Jane snorted. Maura reached out and drew circles on her cheeks, moving her hands slowly across Jane's neck and down to the edge of her shoulder. She moaned softly, closing her eyes. Maura leaned forward and replaced her hands with her lips, trailing kisses across her skin.

"No," Jane said, pushed against her shoulder. Maura sat back. "I feel gross."

"You look radiant."

"I don't feel it." Jane groaned. "Look at me, I'm the size of an elephant."

"Elephants weigh between 2700 kilograms and 6000 kilograms, depending on the species. You probably weight around sixty-five kilograms"

"Sixty –seven, but I feel like six thousand and seven kilograms," Jane said, lifting up the bottom of her pyjama shirt and circling her hands across her bump. "Look at me."

"You're as beautiful now as you've ever been," Maura said, covering Jane's hand with her own and resting her face against Jane's neck. "More beautiful, because you're carrying our daughters."

Jane untangled her fingers from Maura's and turned onto her other side. An ache spread across Maura's chest. "Not tonight."

"We don't have to have sex," she said, dejected.

"I know." Jane sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I'm fat and my hair looks like straw. Maybe I should just cut it all off. There's too much of it. I hate it."

"I love your hair."

"You don't have to have it." Jane tugged the shirt back over the bump. Maura rested a hand on her arm, but she shrugged it off. "My stretchmarks have stretchmarks, my tits are like balloons that are way too big, and there's so many lines. I look like a wrinkly old elephant. I just hope these babies don't stay in as long as elephant babies."

"That's doubtful, considering gestation is twenty-two months."

"Jeez," Jane said, rolling onto her back again. "That's like two years."

"Let's just sleep," Maura said, tucking a hand around Jane's stomach.

"Not so close." Jane pushed her hand away. "I know it's stupid but I haven't had a proper shower in days and that's the first time I've had a bath since the last time you ran me one a few weeks ago. I didn't realise how much bigger and fatter I got since then."

"This is just pregnancy."

"No, it's not, it's fat."

"To store a growing baby."

"It doesn't matter, I feel gross. Maybe I should sleep in the spare room now Cailin's in the guest house."

The strain in Jane's voice made Maura feel even worse. She didn't understand where all of her insecurity was coming from. That morning she'd kissed her goodbye before they went to work, now she was acting like touching her was the worst thing possible.

"Don't do that," Maura said, her voice strained.

" _Sorry_." Jane sighed, and Maura felt worse. "The thought of sleeping next to another person right now is too much, I need space."

" _Jane_."

She sat up. Maura didn't move from her spot on the bed, despite every feeling telling her to do just that. Then Jane turned to look at her, her eyes so sure and so sad all at the same time.

"It's fine. You'll sleep better without me getting up to pee every five minutes anyway."

"But…" Maura thought her heart was going to break in two.

"Night, Maura."

" _Okay_." She gave in. Maura felt the sting of tears in her eyes. She just had to remind herself it was a natural part of pregnancy, and everything would go back to normal eventually. She swiped her hand across her face. "Goodnight."


	35. Chapter 35

**Author Note : Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and such, it's so nice to see you still enjoying my story. I'm edging closer to the end, it's just taking longer than I'd like and I'm flagging a bit. I feel like the next few chapters are not really going to be necessary, but I've lost the climax of the story, it happened a while back, now I'm just writing to get to the end of the pregnancy. But I hope you enjoy it anyway.**

* * *

 _"You're doing such a great job," Silver said, running her hand across Jane's damp hair with a wet cloth and holding her hand. "Just another big push and we'll get to meet our daughters."_

 _Jane clutched her hand tightly, as another contraction took hold of her body. She pushed down hard, closed her eyes and screamed out as the baby slipped from her body and into the arms of the doctor._

 _"Congratulations," the doctor said, appearing from between Jane's legs with a small baby wrapped in a white blanket. She pulled a face mask down from her nose and mouth._

 _"Maura?" Jane's mouth dropped open, her eyes travelled from Maura, to Silver, to their daughter; her thick hair red and her eyes bright blue shone under the dull lights. "Why does she have red hair?"_

 _Silver cradled the baby in her arms. "I had red hair as a child, she must take after her Mommy."_

 _"She certainly can't take after me," Maura said, and she laughed loudly. Jane looked at Silver, who joined in, her mouth open wide and her head tossed back as she chuckled along._

 _"I don't understand," Jane said, shifting her position. A moment later another contraction took hold and she clutched Silver's hand, the baby nestled in the crook of her arm._

 _"Congratulations, you have two daughters," Maura said, handing the other one over to Jane._

 _"But," she started to say, only to drift off._

 _The child in her arms squirmed about, her little fingers and toes moved back and forth; her hair equally red. Tears filled Jane's eyes and she leaned down to kiss her daughter's cheek. She sat back up. Silver had vanished, replaced by Maura, her eyes stern._

 _"You cheated, didn't you?" Maura asked._

 _"What?" Jane frowned. "_ No _."_

 _"Then why do our daughters have red hair?"_

 _"I…I don't know. Isn't it a mutant gene? I thought anyone could have red haired kids."_

 _"But you cheated on me with Silver, didn't you?"_

 _She screamed loudly, so loud that her throat ached. "No!"_

She opened her eyes. The bedroom was dark. Jane breathed heavily, it felt like a weight sat on her chest. She rolled onto her side, but Maura wasn't there. Slipping out from under the bedsheets, Jane shuffled along the hallway to their bedroom. She crawled back into bed beside Maura, her warmth comforted her in an instant.

"Hey," she whispered, in an attempt to wake her. Slow and methodical breaths escaped her open mouth. Jane pushed her shoulder. "Wake up, Maur."

"What's," Maura said. "What's wrong? Is it the babies?"

"No." Jane nuzzled her face against the side of Maura's neck. "I missed you."

Sighing, Maura wrapped an arm around her, not quite waking up. "Missed you too."

x

Tupperware box in hand, Maura travelled up to the homicide unit. If Jane wasn't going to find food, then she would bring food to her. Anything to ensure their children, and her girlfriend, stayed healthy.

"I brought lunch," she said, stepping up beside Jane's desk. "A quinoa salad with balsamic vinegar dressing. Quinoa has all the essential amino acids that make it a fantastic, meat substitute."

Jane narrowed her eyes. "Isn't balsamic vinegar on the no-no list?"

"You read the list," Maura said, placing the container on the desk and pulling up a chair.

"I read some of the list."

"It does contain a small amount of lead, but you're more likely to consume lead from drinking tap water than from the vinegar."

"So, it's safe?"

"Yes, it's safe." Maura peeled off the lid. "Do you really think I would prepare something unsafe?"

"Sorry," Jane said. "Sometimes I forget you know everything. Thank you."

She handed Jane a fork and proceeded to load up a fork of her own. "Since you failed to eat lunch yesterday, and you're busy with the case today, I didn't want you to skip lunch again."

"What would I do without you?"

Maura sat back as Jane scooped some of the salad into her mouth and chewed. Sometimes she had to watch her, just to remind herself how lucky she'd become. It had only been a few months ago that she was having some sort of mid-life crisis, and now, now all of her dreams were coming true.

"Are you making any progress?" she asked, taking another mouthful.

Jane shrugged, mid-chew. "The only fingerprints in the house were from the kid, her mom and dad. The friend's fingerprints were in the kitchen but not in the room where Alana died."

"Gloves?"

"I dunno," Jane said, she swallowed her mouthful and leaned forward. "There's something weird, did Kent tell you?"

"I'm not sure."

"There were three sets of fingerprints in the room where Alana was found, as I said. But Luis Schmick's prints were laid over the top of Alana's."

"But he's dead."

" _Suspected_."

Dropping her fork into the Tupperware container, Maura glanced off into the distance, the cogs turning in her mind. "If Luis Schmick is missing, presumed dead, then there's a chance he's still alive and could have returned to the Schmick residence."

"But how?"

"When you say how, what do you mean?"

Jane sighed. "How did he survive when he's been missing for months in a foreign country?"

"I don't know. Have you spoken to the Air Force?"

"That's my plan as soon as we've eaten." Jane paused, closed her eyes and rested her hand across her stomach. "Kicking."

"Now?" Maura leaned forward and pressed her hand against Jane's bump. Something hit the underside of her stomach, colliding abruptly with Maura's hand. "Isn't it marvellous?"

"That there's a baby sat on my bladder all the time?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No," she said, sliding her hand across the front of Jane's shirt. "That we can feel them moving, just like that. Another one."

"They know you," Jane said, covering Maura's hand. "They move more when you're talking."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Sitting upright, Maura ran the back of her knuckles across the underside of her eyes and sniffed.

"You getting emotional on me, Isles?"

Maura rolled her eyes and reached for Jane's hand. "Thank you."

"What for?"

"Giving me everything I could ever have wanted."

"Don't thank me yet," Jane said, smirking. "I've still gotta push them out. Maybe I'll give up by then, and they'll have to cut them out."

"It doesn't matter which way it happens," she said, squeezing Jane's hand. "You're still giving me something money can't buy."

"Stop," Jane whispered, rubbing the palms of her hands against her eyes. "They already think I'm a major wuss 'round here without more tears."

"Sorry." Maura dropped her hand and returned to the quinoa salad, she scooped a forkful into her mouth, chewed and swallowed. "I just…"

"Hey, Jane!" Silver's greeting broken through Maura's weakened voice. She turned to face her. "Maura, it's good to see you again."

"Silver," Maura said, standing up. She moved her hands forward, then thought better of it, clutching the fork in her hand as she dropped it to her side.

"What you doing here?" Jane asked, steadying herself with the desk as she stood. "Everything alright with Lucy?"

"Lucy?" Maura looked at Jane, then across to Silver. Then it hit her. It made perfect sense. "You picked up the child from the case, yesterday."

"Yeah," Silver said, narrowing her eyes in Jane's direction. "Didn't Jane tell you?"

"No." Jane looked from Maura to Silver, her eyes darted about, sheepishly. "I forgot. Blame my baby brain."

"I suppose that means you also forgot to tell her we caught up," Silver said, smiling softly.

There was no malice in her voice, or words, but it felt like a stab to the heart. Maura placed her fork on the desk and re-covered the salad. "We've been focused more on the babies, than anything else."

"Of course." Silver smiled again. "Wait, did you say bab _ies_? Plural?"

"Yes, twins," Jane said, she turned to Maura. "I only didn't mention it because I was tired, and you were being so lovely, I didn't wanna ruin things."

Maura cleared her throat. "Why would it ruin things?"

"Maybe I should leave," Silver said, backing away.

"It's fine." Maura pushed the Tupperware container forward. "Eat it. I'll see you at home."

"Wait, Maur," Jane shouted, but she was already halfway to the elevator.

The exchange shouldn't have bothered her, they were happy, for the first time in such a long time, they were blissful. She had a part in stopping it being difficult, or awkward, and she'd failed miserably. But she couldn't stop thinking about it. Jane had omitted a valuable piece of information about her previous day, about her ex-girlfriend. She had no doubt that Jane loved her, but something about it cut deep.

x

"Where were you?" Jane asked, sitting in a dining chair turned toward the entrance. "Your car was still at BPD but you weren't."

"I had a headache," Maura said, placing her purse on the floor and her keys into a bowl by the window. "I went for a walk."

Jane sat upright, her back ached from her uncomfortable slouch. "Headache, my ass."

"I'm not lying to you, Jane," Maura said, marching across the room and filling a glass with water. She drank it slowly, her eyes fixed on Jane's until she swallowed a mouthful and continued. "I wouldn't lie to you…"

"Unlike me."

"I didn't say that." She placed the empty glass in the sink and leaned against the edge of the counter top.

"You didn't need to," Jane said, standing up.

Maura pursed her lips and sighed. "I needed some space, so I walked 'round The Fens. The fresh air helped clear my mind."

"Why did your mind need clearing?"

She turned, her fingers white as she gripped hold of the back of one of the counter stools. The decision to finally go home was more out of a necessity than desire, the evening was drawing in and Maura couldn't ignore her failure to take a jacket. "I'm upset that you kept something from me."

" _See_!" Jane shouted, jumping to her feet. She stood up tall, pushing her arms above her head to stretch the muscles in her back.

"I still didn't claim you were lying to me," Maura said, twisting around. A crease formed between her eyebrows. Jane's glee at her admission did nothing to soothe her fragile façade. "I'm concerned that you failed to mention that you 'caught up' with your ex-girlfriend then came home and refused to sleep in the same bed as me."

"I told you," Jane said. "I feel gross."

Knowing the stages, and the pitfalls, of pregnancy was both a blessing and a curse. Maura knew that Jane would eventually reach this point, she just didn't expect it to affect their relationship.

Several thoughts crossed her mind, and before she could think logically about which one mattered more, Maura let the words tumble from her lips. "Did you feel gross when you were with Silver?"

"No, I wasn't pregnant when I was with Silver."

"I meant _last night_."

Jane stepped toward her, closing the gap only slightly. "I didn't think about it until I had a bath and saw how many stretch marks I have all over my body. I could have been elbow deep in mud at a crime scene and I still wouldn't have felt as gross as I do now."

"You still feel that way now?" Maura asked, lowering her gaze.

"Yes."

She picked at a hair on her thigh. "While you're next to me."

The look on Maura's face, as much as Jane could see it, anyway, made her guilt at not telling her about Silver feel exponentially worse. She didn't plan to do it. She didn't mean to. She just…didn't. Words escaped her. Maura felt this deeper than she'd anticipated and Jane didn't quite know how to make this better.

"While you're next to me," Maura repeated.

"This isn't about you, Maura," Jane said, sighing. "It's about _me_. I'm fat and my skin is greasy and I have marks all over my body. I don't feel attractive and that's not because of you, or Silver, or crime scenes. It's because my body's doing something supposedly natural, but sometimes it doesn't feel natural. It feels disgusting right now. The only good thing is our daughters will come from this mess."

"You're not a mess," Maura whispered, lifting her gaze.

Jane stared into her eyes, holding her there for a moment. "You don't think so but I do and I can't change it."

"I know."

She stepped closer, ignoring the hint of anger still housed on Maura's face. Reaching out, she rested her hand against her lower arm. "I love you. I _chose you_. Silver wasn't even gonna come yesterday, she wasn't supposed to pick up Lucy. I asked if she wanted to go for a drink. I never told her I was pregnant. She deserved to know that I didn't just go back in the closet after we broke up."

"Just one drink?"

"Two, but it doesn't matter."

"No." Maura covered Jane's hand and curled her fingers around it. "I suppose it doesn't."

"I love you," she said, untangling her hand and wrapping her around Maura's neck. She chewed on her bottom lip. When Maura met her gaze, every last bit of resolve crumbled and tears pricked at her eyes. "I want to be with you, I just hate my body right now."

"You don't need to," Maura said, brushing a tear from Jane's cheek and resting her hand over Jane's.

"I know. You keep telling me that, but I do." Jane stepped back. She pushed the fabric of her shirt up and over her stomach, replacing it with her hands. "I've never hated my body before. I know it's the babies. I know it's not their fault. Sure, in high school I didn't really like my body and I hated things about it, but I didn't feel like this then. I didn't feel as fat as I do now."

"Even when they called you names?"

Jane laughed. "That was when I was younger. I got into baseball and I ran track and I lost the puppy fat. This is the heaviest I've ever been, and even when I put on weight, it doesn't usually come with all the added extras."

"It's only temporary."

"I know."

"I don't want you to push me away," Maura said, leaning down and kissing the back of Jane's hand. "I don't care how much you hate your body."

"Gee, thanks, Maur."

"I didn't mean it like that," she said, glancing up. She trailed her fingers across every inch of skin, still staring into Jane's eyes. "I don't care about stretch marks, or extra skin. I care about you. What you're doing for us, you've giving me the family I've always wanted. If it means a few extra marks on your body, then I see them as war wounds, not as something to be shameful about."

"I still hate them."

"I know." She diverted her attention. Leaning in, Maura pressed kisses along Jane's stomach. She slipped her fingers into the edge of Jane's maternity pants and pulled them off the top of her hips. The space between the bottom of her bump and her pubic bone was rippled. She pressed her mouth to her skin, interspersed with words. "But I. Love. them. Every. Single. Mark."

Choking back a tear, Jane reached down to Maura's arms and tugged her back up. Brown eyes on hazel. Jane leaned forward, her forehead rested against Maura's as she leaned in and captured her lips.

"I'm sorry," she said. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"Maybe we did something right to deserve each other," Maura replied, kissing her again. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Can we eat first?" Jane asked, dropping her hands to her stomach. "The babies are starving!"

"How does takeout pizza sound?"

"That depends," Jane said, narrowing her eyes. "Can I have a beer?" 

"Non-alcoholic." Jane nodded. "Of course."


	36. Chapter 36

**Author Notes : Thanks everyone for all of the comments, etc. on the last chapter and my fics yesterday! Since I finished those ones I couldn't thank you, but I do appreciate it. I think there's only going to be a couple of chapters of this one left. I've really struggled with this one, in terms of story arc, it probably should have ended a long time ago. But here we are, and I've found a way through the struggle to get to the end.**

* * *

"Whoa, looking big, Rizzoli!" Nina said, leaning forward to touch her bump.

Jane grunted and batted her hands away. "Touch me and you're dead!"

"Sorry," Nina said. "I just can't believe how quickly time is passing, how far along are you now?"

"Thirty-two weeks. Everything hurts."

Another day closer to giving birth was another day closer to having to think about the one thing Jane was most frightened of. Not that she'd admit it out loud. She rubbed the sides of her stomach and leaned back in her seat.

"Don't anger the beast," Frankie said, smirking at his desk.

"It's a good job I'm carrying a bowling ball on my stomach," Jane said. "Or I'd come over there and pummel you myself."

"You could always throw a shoe at him," Nina said, folding her arms. She raised her eyebrows at Frankie.

"I would if I would reach my damn feet," Jane said, sighing. "It would have taken me twenty minutes to get my left shoe on this morning if Maura hadn't found me first."

Sitting upright, Frankie opened a case file, and grinned. "Guess I survive another day."

A glove flew across the room, hitting him on the head. Frankie rubbed his cheek. "Hey!"

Jane and Nina turned to Korsak, who barely looked up from his paperwork, and shrugged. "Get back to work."

Frankie's cell phone buzzed on his desk, he answered it, then stood up. A moment later, Korsak's rang out. Picking up her phone, Jane waited, and waited, until Frankie and Korsak were almost out of the door.

"Wait, I wanna come!" she shouted.

"Like that?" Korsak shook his head. "Not until those babies are safely out."

"I don't wanna chase after criminals," Jane said. "It's just a murder!"

Frankie squeezed her shoulder and kissed the side of her face. "It's never just a murder with you. Look after my nieces."

They left the office, leaving Jane feeling even more sorry for herself. She hated desk duty, hated it even more when she could barely stand up without someone fussing over her. All week everyone wanted to touch her stomach, or talk to her like she was a small child. Every cop she came across looked at her with a tilt to the head.

"Take me!" Jane said.

Nina backed out of the room, her hands in surrender. "No can do. But call me if you need anything."

"I'm not an invalid!"

x

"Cailin, I need you to take samples from the body," Maura said, walking around the body. "By the time you've finished Kent will be available to perform the autopsy. I've got a prior arrangement in ten minutes, I'll be in my office but wish not to be disturbed."

"No problem," Cailin said, placing the last of the tools back on the equipment shelf. "Do you want me to do a full workup?"

"Yes. Fingerprints, skin, clothes, photographs. Document everything. Then put him through an x-ray. There appears to be some bruises around the groin area, check for signs of sexual penetration."

"Will do."

She clipped a document to a clip board and left it on the counter beside the body. "If you need anything, Kent should be your first point of call."

Back in the seclusion of her office, Maura closed the blinds and turned on a relaxation recording on her laptop and lay down on the couch. She closed her eyes. As much as she loved Jane, and sharing a bed with her, the increased movement in the night made it harder to sleep. She was on high alert, conscious of every little shift and turn, as though it meant something.

She got lost in the sound of water flowing along a ravine, birds twittered high in the sky. She focused on her breathing, in and out, in and out, with the gentle movements of the recording.

A knock at the door pulled her from her meditation. She sat up, sighing. Had it been the door to the examination room, she'd have ignored it. But she had no control over how many people knocked on the main office door.

"Morning," Jane said, pushing past her the second she'd opened the door. She took a few steps forward then turned, narrowing her eyes. "Did I disturb something?"

"I was meditating."

"Oh, sorry," Jane said, walking back toward the door.

"No," Maura said, closing it. "Stay."

"You sure? You look tired." Stepping closer, Jane tucked the end of her hair back over her shoulder. "I can be quiet. Go back to meditation."

"I need no disruptions," Maura said, walking over to her desk and turning off the music. "It's fine."

"No, it's not." Edging closer, Jane rested her hands-on Maura's hips and leaned in close. "Your bags would have bags if it wasn't for your moisturiser. How can I help?"

"I might sleep in the nursery tonight," Maura said, stifling a yawn. "I've been trying to rest but I can't help noticing how restless you are."

"I'm sorry, my back has been playing up," Jane said, pressing her lips to the side of Maura's mouth and trailing her mouth across her chin. "Maybe I can help some other way."

"What are you doing, Jane?"

Without responding, she reached down and tugged up the edges of Maura's skirt around her thighs. Maura covered Jane's hands, to stop her, but it had been longer than she wanted to think since they'd been physical.

"This okay?" Jane asked, wrapping her hands around the backs of Maura's thighs, she attempted to lift her up.

"No," Maura said, unwrapping her hands. She placed a finger over Jane's mouth and turned to her desk. Rearranging a couple of things, she made space and jumped up onto it. "Now it's okay."

Stepping in between her legs, Jane moved her mouth back down to Maura's neck, nibbling her skin and sending kisses across her skin. Maura ground her hips forward as Jane's hand slipped between her thighs.

A loud knock on the internal door cut through the passion like a knife tearing a parachutist from their parachute. Jane leaned against her forehead, her eyes fixed on Maura's. "Don't answer it."

She toyed with the idea for a moment, but they knocked again, three times in successive order. "I'm sorry."

Jane stepped away, giving Maura just enough space to pulled her underwear back up and her dress back down. She ran a hand across Jane's cheek and kissed her softly.

"There's an active shooter in the building," Cailin said, before she'd even opened the door.

Maura turned back to Jane, who joined her by the door. "How do you know?"

"Kent got a call on the internal phone, I guess they couldn't reach you."

"Are there any casualties?" Maura asked, her hands shaking at her sides. She grasped at Jane's hand, stealing the briefest of glances.

"I should go," Jane said, pulling her gun out of its holster and heading for the door.

Grabbing her by the arm, Maura shouted. "No!"

"I can't do nothing!"

"You're seven and a half months pregnant." Closing the gap between them, Maura cupped her cheeks. "Please, Jane, don't go. There are any number of armed police officers in the building. Stay here."

"Kent says there's been some injuries on the first floor."

"Okay." Maura pulled the gun from Jane's grasp and placed it back in its holster. "Keep it close, but stay here. Cailin, take Jane, go get Kent and barricade yourself in the safest place you can find."

"You're not staying?" Jane asked, staring at her. "No. Maura."

"Trust me, Jane," she said, squeezing her hand. "I won't be long. I'll go upstairs and see if I can help. Don't leave unless you need to. Your safety, and the safety of our daughters is the only thing that matters. No heroics."

"Then why are you trying to be heroic?" Cailin asked.

"I'm not." Maura sighed. "The only doctors in the building are in this room. If there's injuries, it can be the difference between that and fatalities."

"Then I'll come," Cailin said.

"No." She opened the cupboard beside her desk and pulled out her medical bag. She ran for the door. "Cailin, I need you to stay here and take care of Jane. If something happens, I need you and Kent to make sure they make it out of here alive."

"Maura, don't," Jane said, tears filled her eyes.

She stopped, her fingers on the handle, and shook her head. Her heart told her to stay, to batten down the hatches with Jane, Cailin and Kent, but her head told her there were people that needed her and she couldn't ignore that.

Spinning around, Maura rushed back into the room and pulled Jane into her arms. She longed to be able to hold her, unhindered, but sought comfort in the knowledge that their children were there with them. She kissed her on the lips. Brushing the tears from her face, she kissed her again.

"Be safe," she said, and left the room without another word.

x

Pacing back and forth across the room, Jane's heart raced. It felt like it had followed Maura out of the room long ago and she hadn't heard from her since.

"Sit down," Kent said. "You need to stay out of sight.

"How can I do that knowing Maura's out there with a potential shooter?"

Cailin wrapped an arm around her back and guided her into a corner between a couple of overturned tables. "Kent's right, you need to stay down. I know this is scary, I'm scared too."

"It's not scary," Jane said. "Shooting yourself in the stomach to stop someone from killing everyone is scary. This is _terrifying_. What if she's hurt?"

Kent shuffled across the floor. "She's smart, Jane."

"Don't touch me," she snapped, as he reached out to her. He pulled his hand away. "I need you both to stop fussing over me like I'm incapable of anything."

"You're pregnant, sweetie," Kent said, staring her down.

"We just have to wait it out," Cailin said, looping her arm around Jane's. "We don't know how serious it is, we don't know where the shooter is. It's better that we stay here, surrounded by metal, keeping quiet."

"I can't lose her," Jane whispered, sinking her face into her hands. Tears overflowed down her cheeks, forcing her shoulders to shake as all of her emotions flooded her. "I can't raise our babies alone."

Cailin slid her arm around Jane's shoulder. "You won't have to."

"Right," Kent said, gripping hold of her other hand. "We'll all be here, no matter what."

x

On the first floor, the first thing Maura saw was blood. It had to be more than two pints, spread across the tiles like soap trailing behind a cleaner's mop. She froze. Her heart racing. The entrance hall was empty, void of people for the first time in her entire career at Boston Police Department. As she stepped across the tiles, she was painfully aware of the sound of her shoes hitting the floor. She slipped them off, abandoning them by the doorway. Reaching the front door, Maura looked again at the trail of blood, heading off towards a doorway on the other side of the room.

"Hands up!" a man shouted, a draft from the front door whirled around making the room colder.

Maura froze, dropping her bag. She lifted her hands up at her sides. "My name is Doctor Maura Isles."

"Pathologist?" he asked. She nodded. "Come with me."

She followed him out of the building and onto the stone steps where a group of uniformed gathered. She surveyed the street, cordoned off a few metres away. An ambulance sat at one end, several EMTs milled around a group of injured people.

"You got supplies?" She nodded again. "We got lucky, only one gunshot victim. The rest are accidental. A woman twisted her ankle trying to get out, a kid who was in the café fell down the steps."

"What happened?" Maura asked, following him down the street towards the injured.

"Man came in, didn't even try to get through security, just started shooting up the place. He got Officer Hanley on the front desk."

Maura gasped. "Is he alright?"

"Gunshot wound to the upper arm, he's on the way to the hospital. They don't think it's serious."

"He was the only one?"

"Officer Franklin just happened to enter the building, he pulled his gun and got the shooter in the side. He dropped his gun, managed to pick it up again as he headed through security and ran off."

"So, he's inside, but nobody knows where?"

"That's right."

Maura crouched down in front of the small child, bruises to his arm and a cut to his head. "Hey there, I'm Doctor Isles. Can I have a look at you?"

x

"We've been here for hours," Jane said, breathing heavily. The more time passed, the harder it was to not know anything. She didn't even know if Frankie and Korsak were still out at the crime scene. "Why is it taking so long? I need to lie down, my back hurts."

"You know how these things word," Kent said, opening a bottle of water and handing it to her. "Maybe I could get the pillows from Maura's couch."

"You shouldn't leave here," Cailin said.

Jane sipped the water, grateful, but too irritable to thank him. "Why aren't they done?"

"If the shooter is moving through the building, they have to secure it."

Banging her fist down on the tiled floor, water flew out of the end of the bottle and onto her lap. She groaned, her pants were soaked. "She could be dead for all we know."

"She's not dead," Cailin said, gripping her hand. "I don't believe that. We haven't heard any gun shots, as far as we know nobody's hurt. It's a police station full of people with guns, how far can someone get?"

"You'd be surprised," Jane said, rolling her eyes. "The last time they damn near killed Frankie."

"The last time it was an inside job," Kent said. "Maura told me everything. She also told me about your attempt at stopping him. I wouldn't recommend shooting yourself in the stomach this time."

"Do you really think I'd do that?"

"No. Of course not."

x

The building was near enough empty. Officers, Detectives and everyone in between gathered around the nearby streets. Maura stood in the middle of the road waiting.

"Where's Janie?" Frankie asked, rushing to her side. "What the hell happened? Someone said there's a shooter."

"Inside," Maura said, grabbing Frankie's hand on one side and Korsak's on the other. "I left Jane in the lab with Cailin and Kent."

"You left her there?" Frankie let go of her hand and stood in front of her. "How could you do that?" 

"I had to go and help, I needed to see if anyone was injured."

"You could have been killed! Jane needs you."

"And I need Jane, but that doesn't mean we don't still have jobs to do."

"It's okay," Korsak said, wrapping a hand around Frankie's arm. He retreated. "Jane's smart."

"Yeah, real smart," Frankie muttered. "Last time she was in the building with a shooter she shot herself in the stomach."

Korsak, his voice slow and methodical, stared at him. "She's not gonna do that this time."

"She wouldn't hurt the babies," Maura said, folding her arms across her chest. "What's taking them so long? They should have cleared the lab by now."

"We got the shooter!" Detective Crowe shouted, rushing out of the building, closely followed by two officers carrying a man, blood spilling from his stomach.

Without even thinking, Maura ran forward to assist. "You need to put pressure on the wound."

"Why?" Crowe asked, his face stoic.

"He is still a human being," she said, rushing along beside them, her fingers pressed into the wound. "Besides, if he dies there's no justice."

AN EMT ran forward, pulling along a gurney. The officers placed him on the bed. Maura ran along beside it as they transferred it back to the ambulance.

"Call me when Jane's out," Maura shouted after her.

x

"Would you get your hands off me," Jane shouted, batting the nurse away.

She stood beside her in purple scrubs, her head tilted to one side, glaring at Jane in much the same way she glared back. "Are you really gonna fight me on this?"

"I'm fine! Where's Cailin? I need to know that Maura's okay."

"We can find Cailin for you once I've examined you. You're heavily pregnant and you were in a very stressful situation," the nurse said. "Let me do my damn job so you can get the hell out of here."

"Somebody's crabby," Jane muttered, leaning back and giving in to her examination.

She leaned forward, pain travelled through her abdomen. "God."

"Everything alright?"

"No." Jane groaned, the pain barely subsided.

"What does it feel like?"

"I've had a back ache for days," she said, falling back against the bed. She breathed slowly. "Why does it hurt more now?"

The nurse, her hand on her hip, stared at Jane. "Did you injure yourself?"

"No."

She pressed her fingertips to Jane's abdomen. "Is it Braxton Hicks?"

"I dunno, how would I know? I've never been pregnant before."

"Like your stomach is rock solid."

"Oh, that? No. Not like that."

"How often have you been feeling the pain?" 

"A couple hours."

"How often?"

"The backache? All the time. But it gets worse every few minutes."

"Jane," the nurse said, gripping hold of her hand. "How far along are you?"

"Thirty-two weeks, nearly thirty-three."

"Have you had any bleeding or discharge?"

"What kind?" Jane asked.

"Vaginal."

Sighing, Jane nodded. "Maura said it's okay. It happens."

"It can do. You said you've had the backache for a few days, does moving around help?"

"No."

"Okay."

She turned to walk away, but Jane grabbed her arm. "What is it?"

"I should get a doctor to examine you."

"Why? You know what's wrong."

"Okay." She turned back to Jane. "We'll need to do a few more tests, but from what I can see you could be in the early stages of labour."


	37. Chapter 37

**Author Note : Hello strangers! It feels like it's been a while, which I am sorry about but I've had lots of busy-time. I moved house, my parents split up, I'm living with family because our new place isn't sorted out yet. I got a new job, my cats have had to go and stay with a friend. It's all been rather up and down. I just didn't have time or energy to sort out this chapter - though it was half written. I've finally completed it, though writing on a bed instead of at a desk is a challenge. Alas, we have actually reached the end of the story. This is the second to last chapter. Just one more and then I'll be putting this one to bed - excuse the kind of pun.**

* * *

"Not long to go now," Angela said, running her hand across Jane's forehead. "Then you'll have your two beautiful baby girls in your arms."

"I feel like I've been in labour for days," Jane said, groaning. "I'm tired of lying on my back."

"You _have_ been in labour for days, the terbutaline will only slow the contractions long enough for the corticosteroids to assist the babies' lung development," Maura said, clutching her hand on the other side of the bed. "They did warn you that it would only be a temporary measure."

"I don't remember. Why did we even get into this?" Jane asked, gripping Maura's fingers so hard she thought she was going to break them. "Sorry."

"Don't apologise." Maura untangled her hand. "But perhaps you could hold onto my wrist instead."

"I'll take anything."

"I remember when I was in Labour with Tommy," Angela said, moving around the edge of the bed and slinging her purse over her shoulder. "He just popped right out on the kitchen floor before I could even yell "Frank"."

"Don't." Jane leaned back and closed her eyes. "Don't tell me how much easier you had it."

"That was with Tommy, you took ages. You were as stubborn then as you've always been, didn't want to come out; they practically had to force you out."

Chuckling, Jane leaned forward, before pain seared through her body and she gripped the bedsheets beside her. Maura wrapped her hand around the other side of Jane's. "I guess the girls take after their Ma."

"Can I get you two anything?" Angela asked, squeezing Jane's shoulder. She breathed deeply, into the contraction, as her abdomen tightened. "Drinks, food, fresh clothing."

"I think we have a way to go," Maura said. "But I spoke with Cailin and she said she's going to bring some clothes. But please, Angela, you've been here all day, you don't need to stay. Why don't you go home and rest? By the morning we'll likely still be here."

"The morning?" Leaning back, Jane grunted. She rested her head against the pillow and closed her eyes. The pain subsided. "I take it back; don't take after your Ma. I want them out."

"They'll be here before you know it." Angela hugged Maura and kissed Jane on the cheek. She headed for the exit. "Try and get some rest, Janie, Lord knows you won't get much when they're here."

"Thank you, Angela," Maura said, closing the door behind her.

"Finally," Jane muttered, breathing in slowly and methodically. "Is it supposed to hurt this much?"

"You probably should have asked your mother," Maura said. "She's the one who birthed three children."

"She's got a vagina full of steel." Jane reached across to Maura's arm and gripped her wrist. "You heard her, Tommy just popped out like a fourth of July firework."

Sitting down, Maura cupped Jane's hand. "What you're doing amazes me, Jane. I want you to know how proud I am of you. I know it's been a difficult few days since the shooting but in a few days it'll be over and we'll be able to hold our children."

"But they won't be able to come home," Jane whispered, brushing tears from her cheeks. "I was supposed to look after them so that they could come straight home."

"It's not your fault."

"Whose fault is it?"

"Nobody's."

"You don't believe that."

"Why would you say that?"

Snatching her hand away from Maura's, Jane rubbed at her eyes, sniffing back the tears. "You're a scientist, science has an answer for everything."

"Not everything."

"That's not good enough," she shouted, banging her fist down on the bed. "If the babies are coming too early then we should know why."

"I'm sorry." Maura stood and cupped Jane's cheek, brushing fresh tears from her face. She leaned down, peppering kisses across her chin. "I wish the mechanism for labour was more thoroughly understood in humans, but I can't change that now."

"I know."

"You're tired, try to get some sleep between the contractions."

"It's too hard," Jane said, sighing. "They're too frequent."

"It'll get harder the further along you are. You need to conserve your energy now."

"Will you stay?"

"I'll be here all night," Maura said, kissing her again. "I'm not going anywhere."

x

"Maura," Jane whispered, her breath warm against her nose. She groaned softly. Her neck ached.

A tapping of fingers against her cheek made her open her eyes. Reaching a fuller level of consciousness, Maura sat upright. "What's wrong? Did I miss it?"

Jane scoffed. "I don't think they're planning on coming," she said, dangling her legs over the side of the bed and stepping onto the tiled floor.

"Of course, they're coming," Maura said, rubbing her tired eyes. She glanced at the clock. They'd been there for long enough, she really hoped by four in the morning something would have finally started to happen. "I suppose the medication still hasn't completely worn off."

Jane paced back and forth, rubbing the sides of her enlarged stomach as she moved around the room.

"You're doing amazing," Maura said, standing up. She stalked across the room and wrapped an arm around Jane's back, rubbing it across her spine as she paced beside her. "It won't be much longer."

"I think it'll be the rest of their lives at this rate."

"Jane!"

"What? They're taking forever."

"Earlier you were worrying that they're coming early."

"That was before."

"Before what? Your gestation hasn't changed. You're still only thirty-three weeks."

"Before I realised that if it takes much longer I won't want to go home and sleep, I'll want to go out there and beat the living crap out of some low life piece of murdering scum."

Maura stepped back, her eyebrows tugged together, her chin dropped. "Not until the babies are home, Jane, please. If you're going to put yourself in danger, at least recover from the pregnancy first."

Rolling her eyes, Jane leaned over against the table beside the bed. She breathed into the contraction, and panted her way out of it. "I'm not really gonna do it."

"Oh." Maura returned to her side, pressing her fingers hard against the base of Jane's spine.

"Oh God," Jane groaned.

"B28. Acupressure. It can alleviate lower and sacral back pain. I thought it might help."

"It's not," Jane screeched, gripping Maura's sleeve as she placed her hand on Jane's arm.

"It isn't?"

"It's not that," she said, breathing slowly and methodically. "Either my water's broke or I'm incontinent."

Stepping back, Maura glanced down at the puddle. "Your membrane's ruptured, I'll get the obstetrician."

"What the hell is sacral?" Jane asked, stepping away from the puddle of fluid on the floor, lifting each leg up slowly and awkwardly as drops of fluid ran down her legs.

Stopping in the doorway, Maura frowned. "The sacrum."

"What the hell is a sacrum?"

"The triangular bone in the lower back." Maura stepped out of the door.

"Wait," Jane shouted.

She walked back in. "What is it?"

"What's a triangle bone in the lower back all about?"

"It's fused vertebrae, situated between the two hip bones. Why are you asking me questions about the sacrum?"

"I'm interested." Maura stared at her, her head lowered, her eyes narrowed. "I don't want that woman putting her fingers up my vagina again."

"Jane," Maura said, returning to her side. She looped an arm through Jane's and guided her back towards the bed. "She's only trying to help. It's important to assess the stage of your labour."

Shrugging Maura's hand away, Jane groaned. Another contraction worked its way through her abdomen, she gripped the material of the bedsheet. "I don't like strangers touching my lady…paaarts."

"Shh," Maura whispered, rubbing her back. "Remember to breath."

"I remember to breath," Jane said, gritting her teeth, then proceeded to pant. "I just choose not to."

"I'm going to get the obstetrician."

"But…"

"If it's that much of an issue, you don't have to have an internal exam."

"You'd better tell her that," Jane said. "I don't want here to come back here with any funny ideas about what she's going to do to me."

"I promise to speak to her before we get back," Maura said, smirking as she left the room.

x

The desire to give up overwhelmed Jane. Exhaustion set in long before the obstetrician had even asked her to push and now she couldn't think of anything else but sleep, and the unbearable pain. While she couldn't find the energy to push, she also couldn't find any way out of it. The desire to have it over almost overshadowed the pain and exhaustion itself leaving her confused, tired and in need of some privacy. She closed her legs.

"Jane," the obstetrician muttered, her head trapped between her knees. "Stay with me a little longer."

"I _can't_ ," she said, gripping hold of Maura's hand tighter. She stared into her eyes, allowing her legs to fall apart again. "It hurts."

"I know," Maura said, brushing her damp hair back with a cloth.

"No, you don't!"

"No," she said, her eyes downturned and her face solemn. "I don't. But I do know it hurts you right now. If I could trade places, I would."

"No you wouldn't."

"Of course I would."

"I don't want you to," she said, tears coating the edges of her cheeks as they trailed down her face.

"This isn't a competition, Jane."

"I don't think I could watch you do this. It'd hurt more."

"That's very noble of you. We're nearly there," Maura said, cupping her cheeks and staring into her eyes. "You've just got to try longer, it'll be over soon and you'll never have to do this again."

"Except I've got two babies up there," she said, rolling her eyes, the slightest chuckle escaped her lips. "Two babies, two placentas, two lots of pushing."

"I know."

She gripped Maura's fingers harder, promising to do something to repay the pain she was causing, yet too exhausted to think of how. "Is it time?"

"It's time," the obstetrician said, resting a hand on her knee. "I need you to push down really hard."

x

The baby cried seconds after she made her way out of Jane's body. Maura's heart swelled up until she thought there couldn't possibly be enough space in her chest to contain it. Then her knowledge of anatomy pushed its way back through the emotion and reminded her of the improbability. The obstetrician swathed baby number one in a blanket and handed her to Jane.

"I, I can't," Jane whispered, tears flooded her eyes. Maura wrapped her arms around her and stared down at their daughter.

 _Their daughter._

It still didn't feel real, like a dream she wouldn't wake from, nor did she want to. Maura reached up and cupped Jane's cheeks, capturing her lips, desperate to show her gratitude in the only way she thought possible.

Then the baby cried again and Maura pulled away.

"Thank you," she said, wiping fresh tears from her eyes and staring into the now open eyes of their child. Lifting a finger tentatively up to her cheek, she ran it along the baby's face, her squishy skin moved, so soft, under her touch. She gripped Jane's hand on her other side and nuzzled her face against her neck. "I love you so much."

x

Stopping their loving moment in its tracks, Jane thrust the baby across to Maura and scrunched up her face, groaning as her body pushed through another contraction.

"It won't be long," the obstetrician said, pressing down on Jane's stomach. "We're gonna do an ultrasound, and if it's okay, I'd like to do an internal exam."

"Whatever," Jane said, her eyes fluttered opened and closed. "I just want it over."

Maura cradled the baby, too in awe of their little girl that she almost forgot to focus some of her attention on Jane. She perched on the edge of the chair behind her. She always knew becoming a mother would be complex for her, given her own entrance into the world, but she didn't ever expect to feel so…okay. The lack of blood relation with the child dissipated into the abyss the second her eyes landed on her daughter.

"Nearly there," Maura said, resting the baby in the crook of her arm and gripping Jane's hand on the other side.

"Is she okay?" Jane asked, shaking her head back and forward

Maura slid her hand up Jane's arm and stroked her shoulder. "She's perfect."

"Is it supposed to feel so surreal?"

Standing up again, Maura returned the baby into Jane's arms and wrapped her own around her. She kissed her cheek and ran a fingertip across the baby's chin. "You're exhausted, but the babies will need to go to the NICU so you'll be able to get some rest."

"We didn't choose names."

"Don't worry about that," Maura said. "There's plenty of time."

"But she needs a name," Jane whispered, cupping the back of her head with her hand. "Baby number one is a terrible name."

"One and two will do for now."

"That rhymes," Jane said, laughing a little too loudly. The baby wriggled, her tiny lips opened and a squawk escaped. Jane rocked her gently. "Shh, I'm sorry baby."

"We're ready for her," a nurse said, rolling a plastic crib across the room towards them.

"No!" Jane held her tighter against her chest. "I'm not ready."

"I know," Maura said, kissing her forehead. "But baby two needs you now, and baby one needs to be looked after."

"I should be with her."

"You can't be in two places at once."

"Go with her," Jane said, handing the baby to her.

"I need to be here with you."

"But the baby."

"I'll go be with her when her sister arrives," Maura said, placing their child into the crib. She leaned down and pressed her lips to her cheek. "We love you."

x

The second baby squawked as she entered the world, wriggling and screeching. The obstetrician placed her into Jane's arms and everything felt like it had grown more abstract. She closed her eyes, so far beyond exhaustion that she wasn't sure she could keep herself awake long enough to enjoy the moment.

"Baby number two," Maura whispered, her breath hot against her already warm cheek. Jane turned her face and leaned forward, kissing her roughly, fighting for something that felt real.

"No more," she said, turning her face away and closing her eyes. The weight of the baby disappeared from her arms. She looked back to Maura who cuddled her against her chest. Tears skirted down her face.

"They're going to take her to the NICU with her sister," a nurse said, rolling in another crib. Maura settled her down on the bed and returned to Jane's side. "Go."

"Not yet."

"Why?"

"The placentas."

"But the babies."

"They're being looked after, right now you come first. I'll be with them soon." Maura stood over her, running a hand across her cheek.

The obstetrician leaned forward. "We're going to help you along with the last bit, Jane, and then you can rest. Be ready for a couple of last pushes."

Five minutes later and Jane leaned back, her eyelids fluttered closed. She could still feel Maura's hand wrapped around hers as the world around them ebbed and flowed away.

x

Baby one and two slept side by side in neighbouring cribs, their vitals on display for the whole ward to see. Jane sat in a chair, despite a few hours' sleep, she anticipated the tiredness would last for weeks, if not forever. No matter how many late nights or early mornings as a cop, nothing could have prepared her for the exhaustion.

"I can't believe they're here," Jane whispered, resting a hand over Maura's on her shoulder.

Maura turned her hand around and gave Jane's a gentle squeeze. "I've never been so happy as I am right now."

"Me neither."

"Baby One Isles-Rizzoli, and Baby Two Isles-Rizzoli still doesn't sound right," Jane said, leaning forward. She trailed a finger delicately across the babies' cheeks, one at a time.

"Rizzoli," Maura said, sitting back down in the chair beside her.

Jane turned around, her frown deepened. "What about Isles? They need your name too."

"I don't need to share a name with them. The Isles name may have prestige in the charitable community, but it doesn't have the family standing it deserves. They should be Rizzolis. You come from a family, not people who grew up in the same building half the time and didn't speak the other half."

It didn't sit well with Jane, but she nodded anyway. "Then one of them can be called Maura."

"I'm not naming one of my daughters after myself," Maura said, smiling.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

"Men do it all the time. Besides, if it works for Lorelai Gilmore, it works for Maura Isles."

" _No_ , Jane." She pursed her lips. The mere idea of naming one of their children Maura felt bizarre to say the least.

"One of them should be named after you," Jane repeated.

"I said _no_."

"Dorthea?"

She shook her head. "Definitely not."

"Isles."

"Jane," Maura said, rolling her eyes. "Be serious."

"I _am_."

" _No_. They need a proper name, not one made up of mine."

"Isla."

"Isla?"

"Why not? It's a proper name. It's close to Isles."

"I…" She hesitated. The name felt unfamiliar on her tongue. "I don't hate it."

"But you don't love it, either?" Jane asked.

"I _like_ it…I…let me think on that one."

Shrugging, Jane reached for one of Maura's hands and held it over her knee. "What names do you like?"

"Cynthia."

" _No, no and no_ ," Jane said, groaning. She didn't go through days of labour to come out of it with a child named Cynthia. It might work for some people, but Cynthia Rizzoli was never going to happen.

"What's wrong with Cynthia?" Maura asked.

"Do you want our kid to get bullied?"

"Cynthia Kenyon is an important female scientist of our time." Maura stared at her, an earnest look on her face. For the briefest moment, Jane felt guilty for vetoing the name, after all, they were going with Rizzoli. "The work she's doing on helping us to live longer and healthier lives, is significant."

"What about Kenyon?"

"If one of them was a boy, then maybe, but I don't think it suits a girl." Maura stood up and leaned over the nearest crib. She grinned, staring down at one of their daughters. She glanced back at Jane. "What about Angela?"

Scoffing, Jane shook her head so fast that it ached. "I'm not naming one of them after my mother. But we could name one after yours."

"Constance?"

"Hope."

"I do not wish to give our children the burden of someone else's name."

"You just suggested Angela."

"You're right. Middle name?"

"Angela?"

"And Hope."

"Deal."

Maura perched back down on her chair and drew an arm across Jane's back. She leaned against her. "Francesca?"

"And give Frankie a bigger head? No thanks." Jane sloped her arm around Maura's back, her head rested on her shoulder. "Ivy?"

"Ivy's nice. Where is that from?"

"Ivy Andrews."

"Who is she?"

"He. A baseball player."

Maura shook her head. "If we're not naming one of our daughters after a scientist, we're not naming one after a baseball player."

"Fine. Adriana?"

"From?"

"From my brain," Jane said, nuzzling her face against Maura's neck. She sighed, another wave of tiredness took over.

"What is it you like about it?" Maura asked.

She yawned. "Why all the questions?"

"Please answer."

"I dunno. It's an Italian name, Ma was gonna call Tommy Adriana before she found out she was having a boy. I guess I always liked it."

" _I_ like it."

"You do?"

" _Addy_."

"Doctor Maura Isles, is that a nickname?"

"I'm not against nicknames, Jane. You just don't happen to have a name long enough to require one."

"That's not true!"

"Refusing to call you The Rocket in bed is not the same as having a nickname."

"Spoilsport," Jane muttered. "Adriana Angela?"

She sat upright again, fixing her gaze on Maura as she spoke. "Adriana _Hope_."

"Yeah, _okay_ , I can live with that."

"I don't want you to live with it." Maura frowned. "I want you to like it."

"I _love_ it."

"Me too," she said, leaning in and pressing her lips to Jane's.

Jane moved her hand over Maura's shoulder and deepened the kiss. She pulled away. "Now for two."

"Two?"

"Baby two."

"That's definitely not a good name," Maura said.

"I know."

"Adriana and _Isla_."

"We're going back to Isla?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Isla Angela Rizzoli…"

Jane paused, waiting for Maura to continue.

"I'm trying it out," she said.

"How does it sound?"

" _Perfect_."

Grinning, Jane settled back down against Maura. " _Isla and Addy_."

Pulling her arms tighter around Jane's shoulders, Maura felt tears fill her eyes. "Isla and Addy."


	38. Chapter 38

**Author Note : Here we are. The final chapter. It's been a long and at times difficult journey, but we're here and I have to say farewell. Thank you to everyone who has commented, favourited, followed and enjoyed this story. I appreciate you all for being here, for joining in despite the times when we haven't agreed, and for letting me write what I wanted to write. Until next time...and there will be a next time, because I have at least two other stories planned. I just need to get worked on them. One is half written, I want it complete, and edited, before I post it. Unlike most others. Thanks again, you all make this so much more fun.**

* * *

A baby seat in each arm, Jane stepped into the house for the first time since their birth. Everything felt completely different, right down to the colour of the couch and the design of the kitchen counters. She could see obstacles where before she just saw wooden flooring and tiles. She could see dangers that previously made her lunch. She could see the light shining in through the blinds at a height that she feared could blind her tiny daughters' eyes. Placing each baby seat down on the floor, she rushed across the room, ignoring the small gathering of family and friends, the nauseatingly pink balloons and banners, to get to the window.

"What are you doing?" Maura asked, following her, wrapping an arm around her own and forcing her to step back from the light.

"But the light is too bright," she said, reaching forward.

"It's fine," Maura said, pushing her towards her mother who stared at her, with the most ridiculous grin and arms outstretched.

She stepped into her arms. "Did it feel like this for you?" she asked.

"Like what?" Angela asked, holding her at arm's length.

"Like everything's going to hurt them."

The lightest chuckle filled her ear. Angela scooped her back up and kissed the side of her face. "It'll get easier. I promise."

One of the babies squawked from her seat, then a second later her sister joined in until they screeched out in unison. Jane sprang into action, rushing across the room. She scooped Isla up, as Maura pulled Addy from the other seat.

"Shh," Jane cooed, rocking her back and forth until she quietened down and there was relative silence again.

She carried her daughter across the room, following Maura's lead. What she really wanted to do was go to bed, curl up with her girlfriend, and listen to their babies breathing. She didn't want to entertain, or expose them to germs, or let anyone else touch them. It had been different in the hospital. Every doctor or nurse who visited was there to make them grow, to help them reach that day so they could go home. Now their bubble had burst and everyone looked at them with hungry eyes.

"Here you go, grandma," Maura said, handing Addy over to Angela like it didn't matter that she was so small that one false move and she could break.

"Nonna," Angela said.

"Be good for your Nonna, Adriana," Maura said, kissing her forehead and stepping back.

Jane stared at Cailin, knowing full well she'd have to relinquish her daughter soon enough, but not quite brave enough to make the first move.

"Can I?" Cailin asked, stepping towards them.

Jane resisted the urge to rush upstairs and hide her; pushing aside guilt that she'd be holding her back if she did that. She lowered into her waiting arms, ready to tell her how best to hold her, but not needing to say a word.

She stepped back, Maura's shoulder brushed against hers as she sidled up beside her. She stared from Isla to Addy and back again. Fingers wrapped around her wrist and she turned to Maura.

"They're okay," she said, slipping an arm around her back and resting her head against Jane's shoulder. "Don't worry."

"They're too young," Jane said, her eyes filling with tears. "They don't know who they are."

"They're fine."

"What if..." Jane began, only to be cut off by Maura's lips against hers. She stared into her eyes, directly in front of her, her hands on each hip, holding her in place.

"You're going to be okay." She cupped her cheeks, their eyes locked. "Enjoy the moment alone. They're ours for the rest of our lives."

x

Maura curled up on the bed, wrapping her arms around Jane. She nuzzled her face against her neck and closed her eyes. It was only seven but it felt much later. She made a mental note to ring Kent the next morning to get progress on their latest case. The much sooner delivery of the babies made it harder to leave work and yet she didn't want to be away from her family.

"Don't go to sleep," Jane said, leaning away, creating a space for cool air to tickle her face.

"You were sleeping," Maura whispered, her eyes still closed as she inched closer to Jane.

"My eyes were closed, I was waiting for you."

She opened her eyes. Jane stared at her, her lips curved in a way that only made her love her more. The last couple of weeks had been so busy, fitting in hours at work with trips to the hospital until the babies were finally cleared to go home.

"Hi," Jane said, smirking.

"Hi," Maura replied.

"Don't we have a house to tidy?" Jane asked, groaning.

"Cailin and Angela are clearing up." Maura pulled herself up and leant against the headboard. "They're going to leave us tonight, let us all settle in."

A screech filled the air followed by a whiff that forced Maura's senses to react. She dropped her face to Jane's shoulder.

"Regretting that now, aren't you?" Jane laughed.

Maura joined in. She slipped off the edge of the bed, a groan far from her lips. She didn't mind it, really. She just wished for more sleep, as she expected most new parents did. Scooping up Isla, she carried her across to the changing table.

"There she goes," Jane groaned, as Addy screamed in tune with her sister. She rushed across the room and cradled her.

Once changed, Maura perched on the edge of the bed and scooted back against the headboard. She rocked Isla back and forth, listening to her soft breaths.

"They're gonna drive us crazy, aren't they?" Jane asked, sitting beside her with Addy.

Maura leaned back against Jane's shoulder and yawned. The night was still young, their daughters would be up and down for feeds and though they planned to express milk to make the job easier, it just hadn't happened yet.

"Give me Isla," Jane said. Addy suckled away on her right breast.

"She'll be okay here for until Addy's finished," Maura said.

"Two in one," Jane said. "They'll be done faster."

She lowered her into her arm and pulled her unbuttoned shirt to one side, angling the baby's head until she latched on beside her sister.

"I wish I could help."

Jane leaned over and kissed the side of her head. "You are helping."

"I wish I could do more."

"You do enough."

"Stop that."

"I promise you, you're doing enough."

"I just don't feel like I am."

"We're not in a routine, when we are, you'll do your fair share. It's not a competition."

Wrapping her arms around Jane's back and resting her other hand against Isla's arm, Maura settled down beside her.

"I thought for so long that I'd be okay."

"What do you mean?" Jane asked.

"Not being a mother." Maura sniffed back a couple of tears. "Never being able to sing lullabies for my children, righting the wrongs my parents did to me."

"Maybe it's time you forgot about those things."

"I feel like I can now. You've given me everything I could possibly want and more."

"Which lullabies?"

"Hush little baby, the usual ones."

"You can sing all the lullabies you want."

"Now?"

"Or tomorrow."

Yawning again, Maura's eyelids fluttered closed. She forced them open again. "Are they done? I need to sleep."

"Addy's still feeding, but you sleep."

Her eyes half closed, Maura shook her head. "That's not fair on you."

"Go to sleep, Maur, we're good here."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Goodnight, Jane," she whispered, her eyes pressed tightly together. She tried to open them again but they were too heavy. "Goodnight babies."

"Goodnight Mama," Jane replied.

 ** _The End_**


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